A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we are celebrating the wisdom of Ireland. The Irish are known for their pithy words of wisdom, which we believe are relevant to this column's wellness focus. In no particular order, here are several of our favorite Irish sayings. Read them carefully and see which ones resonate with you. 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far or too fast.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were.

When you are unsure of the way, walk slowly.

Two people shorten the road.

Count your joys more than your woes, count your friends instead of your foes.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Don't be breaking your shin on a stool that's not in your way.

May the hinges of your friendships never grow rusty.

The best things in life are the people we love, the places we have been, and the memories we have made along the way.

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

We invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with us by replying to this email or posting on our Wellness Compass Facebook page.  

This week's Wellness Compass podcast expands on several of these Irish sayings, applying the wisdom they provide to our well-being. You can listen to the podcast HERE.

Making It Personal:

1. Which of these Irish sayings speaks to you the most?

2. Considering the saying you chose, is there something you can do this week to live into its wisdom?

3. Is there another piece of Irish wisdom, or perhaps wisdom from your own culture, that also speaks to you about well-being?

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on how Irish wisdom can enhance our wellness. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)

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Changing Our Perspective, Changes Our Experience

Changing Our Perspective, Changes Our Experience

Years ago, when I (Holly) was in high school and college, I was lucky enough to take several drawing classes, some with still lifes or inanimate objects and others with live models. I learned a lot in those classes and only some of what I learned had to do with actually capturing what I saw on paper. I learned other lessons then that have helped me in life over the years.

I learned then to look very closely and to seriously study what I was seeing. Was what I was seeing really what was there, or was my vantage point skewed in some way? I learned to look for variations in light and dark, shapes and colors, and how they intersected and faded into one another. We learned that our perspective made a huge difference and that seeing anything from a different point of view made the subject look very different from what we had first seen, yet it was still correct.

We were encouraged to move about the room, getting closer and further away, standing up on a chair or crouching down low, always observing what was before us, but from a different angle. All of this was an attempt to teach us that different perspectives would yield different views and that the ability to view things from multiple perspectives would yield a better and more in-depth understanding of the subject before us.

As marriage and family therapists, we also know about the importance of multiple perspectives. For example, imagine a teen and parent are locked in a conflict where each can only see the critical behavior of the other, both feeling that this conflict can only get better when the other changes their behavior. A breakthrough occurs when, for example, the teen can share that they are hurting because of some significant challenge they are facing, so underneath their angry, argumentative behavior, they are hiding sadness and vulnerability. Once this is shared, the parent softens, and their whole perspective changes. The parent then reveals that underneath their anger and judgment is really a feeling of concern and worry. Healing and reconciliation occur in the relationship when they share their unexpressed feelings, making it possible to gradually shift their perspectives.

One trait that significantly aids us in our ability to expand our perspective on a matter is curiosity. Don’t just take our word on this. The next time you find yourself entertaining a negative judgment about someone’s behavior or position on a matter, try suspending that judgment long enough to be curious. Ask questions to understand more about what the person is thinking or feeling. Try looking at what is occurring from their point of view. Remain open to other ways to understand what is happening. This very openness will often strengthen the relationship, even if, in the end, you still agree to see things differently..

We have all likely had the experience of forming a quick judgment about someone and their behavior. And then, later, once we learned more of their story, we came to see them differently. Our ability to suspend judgment and remain curious expands our perspective, and our experience of them changes.

In this time of polarized perspectives, both in the world and even in relationships, inviting us to consider multiple perspectives is indeed a road less traveled. But it is one that we repeatedly have found to be beneficial, whether in drawing and art, or in our relationships with others.

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of perspectives. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)

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Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

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Cleaning Out Our Junk Drawers

Cleaning Out Our Junk Drawers

We spent an hour this past weekend cleaning out the junk drawer in our kitchen. Here's a partial list of what we found: rubber bands, paper clips, AA batteries, matches, wire, string, ribbon, mouse traps, tape, a screwdriver, pliers, picture hanging hooks, screws, post-it notes, birthday candles, duct tape, furniture foot pads, glitter, wood glue, super glue, pencils, a coaster, receipts, a camera battery, a Swiss army knife, a tape measure, padlocks, markers, miscellaneous keys, a watch band, old chargers, shoe laces, and an old pair of earbuds.

Many recent books and blogs have been written recently about the joy of decluttering and organizing. We experienced a small taste of that joy by cleaning out our junk drawer—not that the actual process of decluttering was all that fun, but the satisfaction we got from finishing our project was well worth it.

Clutter and cleaning come in other forms, too. With the first day of spring less than three weeks from now, many of us may be considering doing a little spring cleaning. Perhaps it's also an excellent time to take a look at any emotional clutter that has accumulated in ourselves and our relationships. Just as we can easily stuff junk into a drawer because we don't have time to deal with it, we also can stuff emotions away, thinking that at "some time" in the future, we will deal with them. Maybe that "some time" is now for us, so taking time to clean out some hurt, anger, resentment, unexpressed feelings, or needs might benefit our well-being and/or help an important relationship in our lives. Who knows what else we might find in both our physical and our "emotional" junk drawers and how good it might feel to clean some things out?

Interestingly, the word "clutter" shares the same root as the word "clot." And with spring arriving soon, it might be a good idea for all of us to take a little time to remove not just the physical, but also emotional clutter that may be blocking or limiting our lives right now.  

Making It Personal:

1. Do you regularly declutter your physical spaces or wait until you absolutely have to?

2. Is there some physical decluttering you would like to do this spring? What exactly is that?

3. How about some emotional clutter? If so, what's one small step you can take regarding decluttering that area of your life?  

(Today’s column focuses on the wellness area of Organization and is the eighth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of physical and emotional clutter.. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this webpage, or find it in your favorite podcast app.

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Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

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Acceptance and Change

Acceptance and Change

The simple and profound words from the opening of the Serenity Prayer (found in the quote box above) resonate as deeply for people today as when they were written in 1943 by Reinhold Niebuhr. While the words are simple and profound, living them is much more challenging. This is especially true when an unplanned change or loss occurs, or when there is something in our lives that we worry about but can do little, if anything, about it. At such times, we may wonder what it means to find serenity.

The prayer points out that there are three crucial steps to finding serenity:

• Acceptance

• Changing what we can change

• Having the wisdom to know the difference.

As marriage and family therapists, we often have the honor of talking with people struggling with some sort of concern. Typically, when a person is worried about someone or something, they put their energy into trying to change the other person or the situation. When we are in a similar situation, it is easy to think that we can't find serenity until or unless something in our life changes. If this is the only way we can frame the situation, then our serenity becomes dependent on factors we can't control. It is helpful to remember that we can both work for change in a relationship or situation and focus on managing our own worry or reactivity.

It is worth remembering that the only person we can change or control in a relationship or situation is ourselves. 

While the Serenity Prayer was not written for Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery groups, it has been widely adopted by them. People in recovery know a thing or two about things they cannot change and the things they can.

May we all be reminded once again of the wisdom of this prayer to help us find serenity and wisdom in the midst of life's challenges. 

Making It Personal:

1. Are you dealing with something painful that is beyond your control right now?

2. If you are, what helps you to find serenity and acceptance?

3. Is there a challenge you are having in a relationship or situation that could benefit from you having the courage to change?

(Today’s column focuses on the wellness area of Stress Resilience and is the seventh in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of acceptance, change, serenity, and resilience.. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this webpage, or find it in your favorite podcast app.

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Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Standing in Love

Standing in Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, the topic of love will, of course, be the center of attention, with a primary focus on the feelings associated with love. Thought will be given to how to create the feeling of love, sustain it, and rekindle the feeling if it begins to fade. 

We are taking a little different approach. We are not going to focus on the feelings of love on Valentine's Day, but instead, we will focus on some thoughts about love. These thoughts apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought about love we'd like to offer is that love is as much a decision as it is a feeling. Feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Emotions, like moods, can take on a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as an accurate measure of the strength of a relationship. For this reason, it's wise to recognize that love is not only a matter of the heart, but is also very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent, for example, who lovingly cares for a sick child, or a person who becomes a caregiver to a loved one is most likely making a decision to be loving, even while their feelings of love may ebb and flow.

Imagine there is an unresolved conflict between two people who care about each other. This conflict, in this example, has created strain in the relationship, even to the point where they hardly speak to each other anymore. Now imagine one person, uncomfortable with this, decides to reach out to the other person and begin a process of healing and reconciliation. They likely are making that decision hoping it will lead to a restored feeling of closeness and connection. They are deciding to act in a loving way, even if the feeling of love is not currently present.

When the topic of love is considered, the focus is often on the feelings associated with falling in love. Popular culture often focuses on and celebrates the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like all the time. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, of course, knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory.

So given that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, we would like to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love, which is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling but also a decision. Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling, we can make daily decisions to stand in love in any relationship.

The quote above from poet Mary Oliver captures this with an economy of words. She reminds us to breathe in all the feelings that come and go in relationships and then to choose to breathe love out into our relationships and the world at large.  

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May we all decide to renew our commitment to standing in love with the people who matter most in our lives.  

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the idea that love is as much a decision as a feeling?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to express love, even if you weren't necessarily feeling it at the time?

3. Is there someone you would like to practice standing in love with right now? What could you do about that this week?

(Today’s column focusing on the wellness area of Healthy Relationships is the fifth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of standing in love. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.