Loving Speech
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.
We continue to be deeply grateful for the responses from our column readers and podcast listeners. One common wondering, that we have noticed arising in many of the concerns that have been shared, is how to navigate conflict.
While every situation is unique, one timeless principle that applies to both repairing and strengthening relationships, be they in conflict or not, is the practice of loving speech.
The quote from Rumi in the accompanying photo beautifully captures what loving speech looks like, known as the three gates of loving speech: It is true. It is necessary. It is kind.
These three attributes invite us to reflect not just on the words and tone we use, but also on the true intention behind our speech. This self awareness is crucial, especially when we are in conflict with someone. Are we speaking to "win" an argument, or is it to create a space where differences or concerns can be calmly explored, allowing possible compromises or solutions to emerge? Is our intention to "one up" the other, or is it to approach the other with humility, acknowledging our own part in the conflict? Both our words and our intentions will make all the difference in how the conversation unfolds.
Rumi’s advice to consider these attributes before we speak (Is it true? kind? necessary?) is invaluable, though admittedly can be challenging in the heat of the moment. We have found it equally helpful to reflect on these "gates" of loving speech even after a conversation has taken place. The morning after a difficult discussion, for instance, we may realize our words were not as kind, necessary, true, or even helpful as we wish they had been. We may regret our part in the interaction. If so, considering whether we did indeed use loving speech or not gives us the opportunity to reach out and apologize if we fell short, repairing any hurt we may have caused.
These ideals of loving speech are just that—ideals to strive for. Remember, strengthening or rebuilding relationships is always about progress, not perfection.
Making it Personal: As you go about your week, we encourage you to experiment with these principles of loving speech, and observe whether they make a difference in your interactions. Practice asking yourself both before and after a conversation if what you are about to say or have said is kind, true, and necessary. Is it loving speech? If not, take some time to think about how you could rephrase your words so they can fit through the three gates of loving speech. You will not regret it, we are sure. And we’d love to hear how it goes.
Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.
We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org
We invite you to listen to this week's podcast episode if you are interested in a few of our thoughts about this piece. It is easy to listen to the ten-minute episode. To find it—click HERE, and you will be taken to our Wellness Compass website, where you simply need to push the "play" button to listen to the audio.
Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT, and Scott Stoner, LMFT
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In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast
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