A Novel Approach to Setting New Year's Resolutions

A few years ago I received a great deal of positive feedback about a column I wrote regarding a novel approach to setting New Year's resolutions. Based on the feedback, I thought it would be helpful to share some of those ideas in an updated format, in case you are looking for help in setting some resolutions for 2017. If you want to try a different approach to setting a New Year's resolutions this year, try outsourcing them. Outsourcing your resolutions means that instead of making resolutions that you decide on by yourself, you ask someone close to you what resolutions they would like to see you make, and then follow their lead. That someone could be a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, a colleague or anyone who knows you well. One of the interesting parts of this novel approach to resolutions is that in the process we get honest feedback from others. We learn what changes we could make that would both benefit ourselves and, most likely, our relationship with that person.

I see the potential for great reward and great risk in approaching New Year's resolutions in this way. The reward is that people that are close to us can sometimes see better than we can where our lives may need a slight change. When our own emotional, spiritual, or physical wellness is out of balance, the people closest to us will sometimes recognize it before we do. Asking them what resolutions they might suggest for us would be a good way of honoring their honest feedback. Also when we ask others to assist us with creating our resolutions it helps strengthen our relationship with that person.

The risk in doing this is that the conversation could turn into a gripe session, where one or both people merely air their criticisms of each other, missing the opportunity to create positive resolutions which could lead to positive change and growth. So we need to be thoughtful about who we ask, and how we ask them.

Personal resolutions like eating better, spending more time at the gym, or getting our desks cleared off are, of course, great in and of themselves.  If we try this new approach of outsourcing our resolutions though, we will probably find that we get ideas for resolutions that are more relational. We might hear any of the following, "You could resolve to spend more time with the family," or "You could resolve to go on a trip  with me this year," or "You could support me more in my desire to change jobs," or "I find that you are sometimes very critical of yourself and of me, and I would really like for you to work on softening that criticism."

There is one other great benefit to inviting others to help us set our resolutions. By inviting them to be a part of the process we are creating a built-in accountability and support system, one that will maximize our chances for succeeding at our resolutions--and that is always a good thing.

We at Living Compass all wish you all the best for 2017 and wish you great success in keeping your resolutions, no matter how you choose to set them.

The Heart of Christmas 2016

About this time every year I reread How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss. This story, like the story of Christmas, always brings new joy to me, and its message is always just what I need hear. In the language of our Living Compass Wellness Initiative, the Grinch, at the beginning of the story is clearly experiencing a lack of wellness-emotional, spiritual, and relational. While we never learn the reason for this, we do know that his lack of wellness is described as his heart being "two sizes too small."

As is often the case when a person is not well, the Grinch resents the joy and wellness of others around him. In the story the Whos down in Whoville are quite well, and are anticipating the celebration of Christmas with great joy. In distain the Grinch conspires  to rob them of the emotional, spiritual, and relational wellness that they are experiencing. Thinking that their joy is connected to their material presents, he succeeds in stealing all their gifts, assuming this will cause their hearts and souls to also become two sizes too small-just like his.

I'll let Dr. Seuss speak for himself about what happens when the Grinch discovers how the Whos actually react to his attempt steal their Christmas joy.

But this... this sound wasn't sad. Why... this sound sounded glad. Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, was singing, without any presents at all! He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other... it came just the same.

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!

And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!

The message is clear. The true meaning of Christmas is that God's Love has entered our broken world to bring hope and healing.  And so we celebrate that this Love is more powerful than any Grinch-like constriction that any of our's hearts or souls may be experiencing.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it."   John 1:5.

We at Living Compass wish all of you a most Blessed and Merry Christmas. And may all our hearts grow three sizes, too, as they fill with the Love of Christmas this year.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come

Throughout the years I have seen several different productions of "A Christmas Carol," and one of the things I enjoy most is seeing how the three ghosts of Christmas (past, present, and yet to come) are portrayed by the different directors.  There is plenty of room for creative expression when it comes to casting the characters of the three ghosts, and bringing them to life on the stage. You and I are the directors of our own Christmas stories each year. And we too, are allowed plenty of creative expression when it comes to how we will cast the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas yet to come. We are each visited by the ghosts of "Christmas past" this time of year.  Some people have wonderful memories of Christmases past that fill their hearts. And yet, at the same time, these thoughts are often accompanied by sadness, as they realize what has passed  will never be again.  Others may be sad because of a hurt or sadness that happened during a bygone Christmas. Either way, a kind of grief can be a part of this season. Our grief, of course, goes hand and hand with our gratitude for the season and the celebration of the One that came to dwell amongst us.

There is also a version of “Christmas yet to come” that can create an unnecessary burden for us.  With all the images of happy friends and families with perfectly decorated homes, it is easy to be fooled into thinking that everyone else is having the “perfect” Christmas experience, and unless we have the same we are being left out of this experience.  Such thinking can lead us to look ahead to some future time when we, too, will be able to celebrate a “perfect” Christmas, where there will be more than enough money for presents, where everyone will get along perfectly, and all the preparations will be beautiful. Grieving over the past, or dreaming of some idealized future, are places where any of us can get stuck.

The key to not getting stuck in the past or the future, is to fully embrace "Christmas present."  We do this by "loving what is," by fully entering into the delight--and perhaps the challenges--that this Christmas brings us.   The One whose birth we celebrate is present in the best of times and the hardest of times, and isn't that, after all, what the celebration of Christmas is all about?

Simplicity, Love, and Delight

This week I would like to expand on something I wrote for our Advent booklet for this year. It continues with last week's thee of focusing on Practicing Simplicity.I have always loved the song, Simple Gifts. This beautiful song speaks of the importance of turning toward the presence of the Divine in our life, and how when we do that, we will experience a true sense of simplicity and freedom.

Simple Gifts was written by Joseph Brackett who was a member of the Shaker community, a Christian movement that flourished in the 19th century in the United States. There are many wonderful versions of the song available, including a recording by Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss, which I particularly like. You may want to find a copy of the song online to listen to as you reflect on practicing simplicity

The first two lines of Simple Gifts are:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be.

As we reflect on these two lines during this holiday season one of the first things that stands out is the idea that simplicity is a gift. The ability to live simply and freely is both something that we can intentionally choose and it is also a gift that God is offering to us. When we allow ourselves to receive this gift, and then practice living simply and freely, we will find that in those moments, we can truly "come down where we ought to be."

Coming down where we "ought to be" can mean many things. It can refer to our work, where we live, being in right relationship with someone we care about, or being at peace with a major decision.

The next two lines in Simple Gifts are:

And when we find ourselves in the place just right, Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

These lines remind us that one of the ways we will know when we are in the place "just right," is when we will feel a sense of "love and delight." This place "just right" is, of course, not a description of a physical location, but rather a description of the inner state of our souls. When we are in the right place spiritually, we will manifest the spiritual fruits of love and delight.

Take a moment and think about an important relationship in your life. It is only natural that you feel a variety of feelings toward this person. Think of a time when you felt frustration and irritation toward this person. What was happening at that time? Did those feelings come on slowly or quickly?  How long did they last?

Now think of a time when you were experiencing feelings of love and delight toward this same person. How did those feelings emerge? How long did they last? What was the difference between when you experienced frustration and irritation and when you experienced love and delight? Was the difference due to what the other person was doing or saying, or was the difference due to your internal spiritual and emotional state? Or was it a combination of both?

As the excitement and stress builds as we get closer to Christmas, we will be wise to intentionally choose to practice simplicity, as it most likely will not just happen on its own. We also will be wise to intentionally choose to relate to others with love and delight, especially as we gather with friends and loved ones that we may only see during the holidays. To be intentional in this way is to practice simplicity not just for ourselves, but is also a way to offer a simple and much needed gift to others.

Focusing On One Thing At A Time

This time of year many Christians around the world observe the season of Advent. This season provides a counter cultural opportunity for observers to focus on and prepare for the spiritual significance of Christmas. Even if you don't observe this season of Advent, it is still a wonderful opportunity to slow down and focus your attention on what matters most in your life. Living Compass produces a small booklet for Advent each year that includes daily reflections to help readers with their spiritual focusing. The theme for this year's booklet is "Practicing Simplicity with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind."  We have invited guest writers each week to share their wisdom and so in this week's column I am sharing the wise words of our guest writer The Rev. Dr. Carol Petty, Canon for Wellness from the Episcopal Diocese of Texas. Her reflection appears below, followed by a few of my own thoughts that were inspired by her writing.

Recently I made a commitment to simplicity. My goal: focus on one thing at a time. I wish I could say it's my daily practice, but in reality, it's my daily challenge.

To encourage myself, I taped slips of paper with the words one thing at a time to the frames of my computer monitors at work and at home. I need these reminders, as I am constantly tempted by the lure of multi-tasking. Surely I can accomplish more/faster/better if I do several things at once! I tell myself (I lie!) that I can type a coherent e-mail to one person while carrying on a productive phone conversation with someone else.

Ultimately I realize that the quality of both tasks suffers from my divided attention. More importantly, the relationships with the people on the other end of those tasks have also suffered. The reality is that multi-tasking never lives up to its promise. Those who do it end up, as I do, distracted and frustrated, probably accomplishing less-certainly less well-than if they'd just done one thing at a time.

Multi-tasking is a hallmark of our culture. Smart phones invite 24-hour access to interactive news, work-related communications, and social media posts. In a matter of seconds we can learn about-and comment on-earthquakes in Japan, gun violence in America, local sporting events, and our neighbor's recently posted cat video!

It's no wonder that our "monkey minds" resist efforts to focus, instead staying busy zipping from one thing to another, preventing us from being fully present to the task-or the person-at hand. Whether it is a task at work, or a conversation with a family member, the person or task before us should be the most important thing in this moment. It deserves our full attention.

If I scan my newsfeed while talking to my spouse, how does that impact our relationship? If I spend my day off, supposedly my day to rest, working on a mobile device, how am I shortchanging my own well-being?

Each of us has been given the gift of the present moment so that we might bring our full attention to our own lives, to our relationships, and our work and play. We don't know what will come tomorrow, but we do have right now. I made this particular commitment to simplicity because I don't want to squander God's gift of now.

I am choosing to make every effort to bring my full attention to whatever or whoever is in front of me in the moment. I choose to focus on one thing at a time. As we begin this season of Advent today, I invite you to join me in this challenge.     Written by Rev. Carol Petty

Carol's invitation and challenge to focus on one thing at a time reminds me of a story about a student who asked a wise and enlightened Buddhist monk how becoming fully enlightened changes a person. The monk answered by saying, "Before I was enlightened I chopped wood and carried water." The student listened intently and then asked what the monk did after attaining enlightenment. After pausing for a moment, the monk said, "Now that I have achieved enlightenment I chop wood and carry water, but I now give my work my full, undivided attention."

You and I are not Buddhist monks, and our daily routines most likely do not include chopping wood or carrying water, but the point of the story is to focus fully on whatever it is you and I do each day. If we are washing dishes, we can try to give our full attention to washing the dishes. If we are talking with a friend or family member, we can try to give them our full, undivided attention. We may not be able to do this every minute of the day but we can try to reduce distractions and give our full, undivided attention to whatever we are doing throughout the day. Focus on doing one thing at a time, giving it your full attention can change we live in the world.

I don't know if this will help any of us attain enlightenment, but it will certainly be enlightening to discover how often we are distracted and how rare it is for us to give anything or anyone our full, undivided attention.