Both Sides Now
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week we write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.
Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "
We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.
Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.
Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.
Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."
As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.
If you want to hear more about how this song speaks to us, listen to this week's 11-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find HERE.
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In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast
Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs
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