Pay Attention To What You Pay Attention To

I have been an Episcopal priest for twenty-nine years and have been involved with churches of all denominations my entire life, and because of that, I have known a lot of fine pastors. I have also been involved with several interfaith projects through the years and so have been fortunate to know many fine leaders of other religions as well. All of these men and women have this in common: they inspire us with their preaching and teaching, they comfort us by visiting the sick and suffering, and they provide meaning for us through rituals that honor and celebrate our important life transitions. I have tremendous admiration for these men and women, not just for what they do, but because most people, even the members of their congregations, have little idea how much they give of themselves and how hard they work. Much of their work is done in private, and they rarely receive much recognition for what they do. These men and women are an inspiration to me, and I hope they are to you as well.

So in light of all of what I have just written, it really saddened me to see a pastor in Florida getting national, and yes, international, attention for threatening to do something completely antithetical to the very faith he was ordained to represent. I don’t even know the pastor’s name, because I intentionally choose to pay as little attention to these media hyped stories as possible, but you no doubt know to whom I am referring.

We live in a culture that loves to shine a light on and lift up the angry and the deviant. Living a moral life, upholding strong values in your work and personal life, will rarely get you noticed in our culture today. But do something outrageous, offensive, unethical or illegal and you are sure to be featured on YouTube and the nightly news. The more offensive the words or action, the more attention the person will receive.

This is a weekly column about wholeness and wellness, so why am I bringing this up? I am bringing this up because it illustrates an essential principle about healthy relationships, healthy families, and healthy organizations. The more healthy a relationship/family/organization is, the more it lifts up and celebrates that which is positive, true and life-giving. Unhealthy relationships/families/organization do the opposite; they organize their emotional energy around that which is negative, divisive and conflictual--in fact they often find themselves “stuck” focussing on these negatives over and over again. It seems that it is easier to continuously complain about our spouse, teen, boss, colleague, or pastor than it is to do the harder work of reaching out and proactively working to heal or improve the relationship or situation. Negativity and complaining allow us to stay safe and protected behind our self-righteousness. Seeking understanding and healing require us to soften our hearts and be vulnerable.

In spite of how much attention they may receive, our world doesn’t need more angry, negative and disruptive leaders. What it does need is people like you and me to lead our own lives in ways that quietly bring peace and healing to our corners of the world. In order to do this, we all need to pay attention to what we pay attention to.

What Drives Your Labors?

Mrs. Montgomery teaches high school English and is one of the most beloved teachers in the school.  The students want to be in her writing class, even though she asks a lot from them.  She's been teaching for twenty-five years, but still finds a way to bring fresh energy and a fresh approach to her curriculum every year.  She comes in early and stays late and is willing to meet with students privately during her free time.  There is a contagious energy that you can feel when you walk into her classroom.  The students in this class don't just do assignments to get the grades and credits, most of them have discovered a real interest in writing.  It is not uncommon to hear them say, "I never knew writing could be so much fun!" Mr. Evans also teaches English at the same high school.  Like Mrs. Montgomery, he's been teaching for more than two decades but that's where the similarity ends.  Mr. Evans lost his passion for teaching long ago and now gives the minimum effort required to keep his job.  He is counting the days until retirement.   Not surprisingly, the students don't enjoy being in Mr. Evan's class and find themselves matching Mr. Evan's minimum efforts, doing only what they have to do to get the grade and credits they need.

Daniel Pink is the author of the recently published Drive, a book about what motivates us at work, school and home.  According to Pink, the difference between these two teachers and their students is that Mrs. Montgomery, along with her students, are driven by intrinsic motivation while Mr. Evans and his students are driven by extrinsic motivation.  Pink describes extrinsic motivation as the traditional "carrot and stick" approach--one works to receive external rewards (a paycheck, a good grade) or to avoid external punishments (getting fired, failing a class).  Intrinsic motivation is defined by Pink as being motivated by our deepest values, beliefs and purpose.  Intrinsic motivation comes from the "inside out," as we live out our passions and our purpose.

As we celebrate Labor Day, it's a good time to pause and reflect on what drives your labors, not just at work but in your home and personal life as well.  Like everything in life, it is never as simple as "Are you driven by either extrinsic or intrinsic motivation?"  We all are driven by some combination of both.  What we know though is that we will experience the highest degree of well-being when our lives are closely aligned with our core values, beliefs and ideals--in other words, when we are living our lives in a way that gives us the greatest sense of meaning and purpose.  Going through the motions day after day to only receive some external reward will gradually lead to the atrophy of our hearts, minds and souls.

I highly recommend Drive.  It's a great read and it is sure to expand your awareness of what drives you in all areas of your life.  The book will also give you tools to help you bring the many ways in which you work and labor into greater alignment with your core values, beliefs and purpose.  And when we can do that, our lives will be more vibrant and our labors will feel less like work.

Why Are Fish So Smart?

“Why Are Fish So Smart?” I’ve been listening over the last few weeks, both amongst my friends and in Living Compass groups that I’ve been leading, to quite an assortment of new things that people are excited about doing. Some of these things will be first-time experiences for people and some will be things they are returning to doing. Here is a sample of what I’ve heard: signing up for beginner’s yoga, picking up the guitar again, joining a book group, starting a practice of journaling, finding a church to join, taking ballroom dance lessons, and a whole variety of classes that people are signing up for, including cooking, photography, computer training, exercise and painting. I’m guessing that as you listen to people in your circles of connection, you hear similar things. All across the country this week, millions of kids of all ages are going back to school, and along with them are hundreds of thousands of teachers, teacher’s aides, principals, secretaries, bus drivers, administrators, custodians, plus lunchroom and playground attendants. As I thought about this, and as I thought about all the learning experiences that people I know are currently signing up for, I realized that “going back to school” is not just something for children. Each of us are “going back to school” every time we decide to intentionally focus on learning something new or intentionally decide to further our knowledge or our expand our experience regarding a particular subject or activity.

The following joke will no doubt be heard in more than a few kindergarden classrooms this week:

“Do you know why fish are so smart?” “No, why?” “Because they live in schools!”

Well, the same can be said about people: the smart people are those who “live in schools.” They are the ones who have discovered the delight of life-long learning, the ones who regularly stretch themselves to learn and experience new things on a regular basis. The opposite is also true. People who haven’t been “in school,” those who are not involved in any kind of life-long learning, soon discover that their world begins to constrict and contract--not just intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Everywhere we turn this week we will hear some kind of story or sales campaign related to going back to school. May it serve as a reminder to all of us that “going back to school” for us as adults is not an obligation, but a gift that we can give ourselves any time we choose. Consider some way in which you may want to go “back to school” right now in your life, and then make it happen. And what the heck, why not go all out and buy yourself a new outfit and backpack, too!

Lessons Learned From Drafting

Yesterday was my birthday and to celebrate I entered by first bike race. It was a 90 mile race around Lake Winnebago, here in Wisconsin. Prior to this I had only ridden in a couple of 50 mile charity rides and so I had no idea what to expect given that this ride was much longer than anything I had done before, and because it was a timed race as well. I knew there would be hundreds of serious bikers there given the fact that a $20,000 prize was being offered to the winning rider if he/she set a new course record (which did in fact happen). I have never considered myself to be a serious biker, but that might change after my experience yesterday. I trained quite a bit for yesterday’s race, but most of my riding was done solo, or with one other person, usually my wife. Before this race, I had never ridden with a pack of riders. Soon after the 1,500 riders started the race yesterday, we formed ourselves in to packs depending on our pace, and I joined a pack of about 30 other riders who rode most of the 90 miles together. As I rode in the midst of this large pack of riders, I very quickly learned about the power of “drafting.” I was soon flying along at a speed that I would have previously thought impossible for me, and surprisingly wasn’t even getting tired. I kept thinking this was too good to be true and that sooner or later I was going to “hit the wall” and slow way down. My fears never materialized and I finished the race two hours earlier than I had expected.

Today I read an article that reports that riding in a “peloton,” the french word for “pack” requires 30%-40% less energy than riding by yourself. I now know how true this is! Members of our little peloton each took turns riding in the front for ten minutes at a time, but then were able to “rest” in the pack for the next 50 minutes. When I finished I was less tired than I have been after many of my solo 50 mile rides.

The message for our personal wholeness and wellness seems rather obvious here. Riding solo requires much more energy than riding with others, where all share a turn breaking the wind. This fact is always true in biking, but becomes absolutely essential when the headwinds are strong. The same is true in our personal lives. Any time we are going through a period of stress or transition, facing a strong headwind, we will find it even more necessary to face that stress or transition in a pack with others. If you are dealing with the stress of sending a child off to school (whether it’s kindergarten, middle school, high school or college), going through a job change/loss, going through a transition to retirement, dealing with a health issue, going through a divorce, or whatever the challenge may be, find a pack of fellow “riders” who are riding the same road as you are and ride together. Take turns “pulling” in front of the pack, and then take your time in the the pack letting them pull you along.

Family, friends, congregations, neighbors and colleagues are all natural “packs” to turn to when we need support for our ride. But as I learned yesterday, people who were previously strangers can also turn up at just the right time to lend support when we need it most. This explains the power of a 12-step group, a cancer support group, or a parents-to-be birthing class.

I’m still on a high from my experience yesterday, and know that it couldn’t have happened without the support of others. It has renewed my commitment to find similar packs of support for other aspects of my life. I hope it will inspire you to do the same. And if you want to get a pack together and go for a long bike ride, I’m ready any time.

Don't Be A Jarhead!

There was a fascinating and ultimately heartwarming story in the news this week about a black bear cub that almost died from having a plastic jar stuck on it head (see the attached picture--do an internet search for “jarhead bear” to read the whole story). The cub, along with its mother and a sibling, were foraging through trash in a local dump near Weirsdale, Florida when it stuck its head in a plastic jar which became stuck on his head, thus earning him the name “jarhead.” Neither the cub, nor the mother, were able to rid the cub of the jar. Local Department of Natural Resource experts knew that if they were not able to catch the cub and remove the jar, he would soon die from starvation or dehydration. Numerous sightings by the public led to an all out effort by the DNR to try and save this cub. Their efforts were resisted though by the mother and the cub itself, who clearly did not trust that those seeking to help had good intentions. Attempts to trap either the mother or the cub, failed. Finally, just when time was about to run out for the cub, there was a chance sighting of the bear family. Quick action allowed a DNR warden to shoot the mother with a tranquilizing dart, which in turn allowed the warden to scoop up the cub and remove the plastic jar from his head. Even in his physically depleted state the cub put up quite a fight, but in the end the jug was removed, and the family was released into a less populated area.  

You and I have the capacity to be jarheads as well. There are several different ways I could go with this story (such as the danger of sticking our noses where they don’t belong,) but the point I’d like to lift up has to do with how stubbornly self-sufficient any of us can be when we, or someone we love, needs help. In the case of the bear, both the cub and the mother strongly resisted anyone who tried to help them. You and I have the capacity to push others away when we are in need of help, even when doing so will certainly prolong and even magnify our suffering.

Here are just a few examples of how any of us can be a jarhead: a person loses their job, but is embarrassed to let others know and so they isolate from friends and family; a new parent is overwhelmed with stress and feels totally inadequate as a parent, but also chooses to hide this from everyone for fear of judgment; a spouse is hurting, but instead of talking to their spouse about what they are going through, they push their spouse away by becoming irritable and critical; a person is worried that they are developing an addiction, but do their best to hide it from friends, coworkers and family--and other family members are doing all they can to deny the condition and block anyone’s efforts to help. In each of these scenarios the person who is being a “jarhead” is clearly struggling and in need of help, but is actively resisting the very support and help they need, even though their resistance both magnifies and prolongs their suffering. So what are we to do? Are we to buy a tranquilizer gun and shoot a dart at people we are close to who need our help, but are actively resisting us?! I don’t think so. The lessons to me from this story are twofold.

First, if I’m in the role of the person who is trying to render help, I need to persevere with patience waiting for the right opportunity to offer help. This can only happen according to the other person’s needs and time frame, and not my own. Secondly, if I’m in the role of the person who is hurting and and in need help, I need to remember not to be a “jarhead” and to allow others to assist me much sooner rather than later. My very life may be dependent on such help!