Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Alcoholics Anonymous has many sayings.  My friends who are active in AA tell me that the one that has meant the most to them through the years is “nothing changes if nothing changes.”  Like many wise sayings, on the surface it seems so obvious, even trite, but after you let it sink in for a while its wisdom begins to work on you. The wisdom of this saying is the fact that it addresses the disconnect between one’s desire for change and one’s actions.  How many times have each of us desired some change (lose weight, spend more time with family, develop a spiritual practice, save more, get more organized) only to find months, even years go by, without any progress on making the change a reality.

Why the disconnect between intentions and actions?  Let’s turn to Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion to shed some light on this topic:  “Because of inertia, a body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion continues moving in a straight line and at a constant speed, unless a force is applied to it.”  A simpler way to say that is “a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to say in motion, unless some external force is applied.”  So that explains it!  Individuals, families and organizations that are “stuck” will stay “stuck” until some external force is applied.  Individuals, families and organizations that are growing and thriving will continue to thrive until some external force disrupts their momentum.

Combining the wisdom of AA and Sir Isaac Newton, here’s my recommendation for any person, family or organization that wants to change.  You must seek out and invite an outside force to help you change.  Along with AA, I recommend two outside forces:  God and other people.  First, ask for help from a Higher Power to fuel the change you seek.  Second, let others know about the change you seek.  Build a team of people to inspire you, cheer you on and help keep you accountable.   Recruit your friends and your family to help you.  Recruit a mentor, pastor, coach, consultant, support group or therapist to guide you.

Don’t go it alone.  Just like our president-elect is doing right now, build your own transition team to help you succeed in making the changes you desire.

Can We? Yes. Will We? Perhaps.

Personal Wellness At a dinner party I attended the other night a man was sharing a memory from 1960 when he was a young boy growing up in a small midwestern town.  He told us how the Protestant and Catholic boys in his neighborhood, influenced by the behavior of the adults around them, would openly mock each other.  Some days, they would even go as far as throwing rocks at each other, yelling insults like “Nixon lover” or “Kennedy lover.”  Such was the emotional climate over the election of a Roman Catholic to the presidency.

Fast forward forty-eight years and now we have a similar dynamic between the left and the right, liberals and conservatives in our culture.  During this election season that has just concluded, it’s not just boys this time, but adult men and women turning up the emotional volume as they hurl self-righteous insults at each other.  In the spirit of our new president-elect’s campaign theme, I ask the question, “Can we put down our verbal rocks and come together for the higher good of our country, our communities, our schools, our armed forces and our families?”  The answer of course is “Yes, we can.”  Will we?  Perhaps, but I sure hope so.

So what does all of this have to do with personal wellness?  I believe that one of the essential qualities of emotional and spiritual wellness is the capacity to see and to celebrate the good in each and every person.  Every person contains a “spark of divinity” as the Quakers say.   No matter how I strongly I disagree with the position a person may take on the economy, the war, abortion or social justice issues, that person is much more important than their position.  Mature, spirited discourse around differences of opinion will enhance our  growth and our personal wellness.   Immature rock throwing or name calling are signs of a lack of personal wellness.  Like you, I am capable of both.  I deeply regret some of the political emails I forwarded to friends in the last month because their sole intent was to make fun of a candidate and not to further meaningful dialogue on important issues.  May we each of us seek to act out of our best selves as we work together to serve the higher Good that unites us all.

Couple, Family and Organizational Wellness

The quality of emotional and spiritual wellness in a couple, family, church or organization is highly correlated to its capacity to manage differences, especially differences that have a high degree of emotional energy.  In families these could be issues like money, religion, parenting styles, politics and sexuality.  In churches these could be issues like money, worship style (including music), stances on “hot-button” social issues and feelings about change in general.

Note that I said that wellness is correlated with the ability to “manage” differences.  Signifiant differences within families or congregations are rarely resolved once and for all.   If we were to leave to join a new family or congregations we would simply have a different set of differences to learn how to manage.

Taking responsibility for our own actions as described above, and focusing on the higher Good that truly unites us couples, families or congregations, will go a long way to improving the emotional and spiritual wellness of each and every one of us.  I have found also that it even improves the physical wellness of my right arm, which always gets sore and stiff after too much rock throwing.

TRICK or TREAT Just for Halloween

Personal Wellness The words “trick or treat” will be uttered by millions of children all over the world this week and so it got be to thinking about what how these words might apply to the topic of wellness.  When it comes to personal wellness it seems to me that “trick or treat” can represent two very different ways that we see life, two different world views.  The reality of course is that life presents us with both tricks and treats, hard times and wonderful times.  But I think deep down we each make a decision about which view of life will become our primary orientation, the primary lens through which we see life.  And that choice makes a world of difference in our personal wellness.

Couple Wellness

When a child knocks on your door and says the words “trick or treat” they of course open up their bag or pillow case anticipating that they will be receiving a delightful treat.  In our relationships with our partners we do something similar:  we open up our hearts and souls to each other, anticipating that we will be treated with love and compassion.  Despite our best intentions though, we sometimes hurt each other, causing our partner to feel more tricked than well treated.  Healthy relationships recover quickly from such exchanges with the exchange of genuine apologies and genuine forgiveness.  If we don’t repair the hurt in a relationship, then over time we will stop opening our hearts and souls to each other.  If this describes you and your partner, I hope you will begin making amends today, and if necessary seek help to find how you can return to treating each other well.

Family Wellness

In any given extended family at any given time, people are going through different stages of life and are experiencing a variety of ups and downs.  Some are hurting and may be feeling tricked by life.  Some may feel like life is passing them by.  Others may be feeling that life could not be treating them better. If you are in the latter category, be sure that you are taking time to reach out to others in your family that may be hurting.  After all, that’s what families are for, and you never know when the roles might be reversed!   Happy Halloween, everyone.

Pay Attention to What You Pay Attention To

Personal Wellness Do you have a strong inner critic that loves to constantly remind you of what ways you just aren’t quite good enough?  If you do, know that you weren’t born with it.  You internalized it from someone(s) in your life, but you now have a choice:  You don’t have to pay attention to it!  You can’t turn it off like a light switch, but you can learn to not give it power.  When it arises, simply say,  “Oh, there you are again.  Who invited you in?  I think it’s time for you to go.”  And then let it pass.  Instead,  pay attention to this voice:  “You are a child of God, loved beyond measure, called to let your unique light shine wherever you go and wherever you are.  Usually it is rude to not pay attention to someone when they are speaking to you.  The one exception is when that someone is your inner critic.  Ignore that voice and over time it will go away.

Couple Wellness 

If you have been together any length of time as a couple, you have by now discovered your partner’s shortcomings and those things that particularly annoy you about them.  Now that you have discovered those things you have a very important choice.  You can pay a lot of attention to them (either in your internal thoughts or out loud) and create a great deal of negative energy within and between you.  Or you can pay attention to all that you love about your partner, all that first attracted you to him or her.  And of course, because we all will attract the kind of energy that we create, the choice we make about what to pay attention to in our partner will have a great effect on what they choose to pay attention to in us.

Family Wellness 

Adults who struggle with a strong inner critic, most likely internalized that voice in their childhood.  Such is the power of families to influence a child’s self image.  In order for anyone to see how they look, they need to look into a mirror.  A child or a teenager does the same thing when it comes to their self image, looking to their parents to see what their words, actions and gestures reflect back to them about their worth.  And it’s important to know that children never outgrow the need to be loved and to be cherished.  Pay attention to what kind of messages you are reflecting to your children (including adult children) and if they are too often negative, then make a conscious decision to change that by paying attention to what you pay attention to.