Announcing the New Wellness Compass Column & Podcast

Announcing a New Column and A New Podcast

You can find both the new column and new podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org

I am excited to announce that this column will have a new name, "The Wellness Compass," beginning tomorrow. I am also pleased to announce that I will be launching a new podcast by the same name that will offer a deeper exploration of topics presented in the weekly written column. You will be able to access the podcast through a link in each week's column, as well as in any podcast application you may already be using (Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, etc.) You can search within those podcast apps for "Wellness Compass" and listen and subscribe there. If you don't know what any of that means—don't worry—you can also listen to the podcast each week with the link that will appear in the column. And, of course, you can ignore the podcast altogether and keep reading the weekly column!

I have been writing the Weekly Words of Wellness column since May 2008 and have been honored to see its readership grow over the years. The column now reaches over 10,000 people each week. Thank you so much for being so supportive through these last thirteen years, which has included over 600 columns.

Based on the growth of the column, I will be hosting the new column and podcast on a new website, WellnessCompass.org. This will allow the column and podcast to have their own home, rather than trying to fit them into our Living Compass website (the home of our spirituality and wellness resources) or the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation website (the home of our secular wellness resources).

Because you currently subscribe to the Weekly Words of Wellness column, you will begin to receive the new column, The Wellness Compass, automatically tomorrow. If you decide you don't want to receive the new column each Friday, you are free to unsubscribe at any time by following the instructions found on the bottom of every column.

The people I have shared this idea with have asked me how the new column will be different. The main difference is that it will be written more from my work as a licensed marriage and family therapist and my experience of having conducted over 50,000 hours of individual, couple, and family therapy over the last four decades. Mental health concerns are more pressing than ever these days, and I am honored to be able to share what I have learned (often from the people I have been honored to work with, both personally and professionally, to help us all navigate this journey of life-long wholeness and wellness. In fact, the column's name is based on how often clients would share with me that they felt like their weekly counseling and coaching sessions served as a compass for them, helping them check to their bearings and navigate their personal and family life with more intention.

The new column will also give me a chance to focus more specifically on the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being, the foundational model that we created that grounds all of our resources. This whole-person model for well-being focuses on eight interconnected areas of wellness: Handling Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Spirituality, Rest & Play, Organization, Vocation (Work/School/Service), Stress Resilience, and Care for the Body. The column and podcast will provide an opportunity for all of us to engage in deeper conversation and awareness of each of these eight areas of wellness and how they interact and interconnect with each other.

I am also excited to share that my wife, Holly Hughes Stoner, will co-write many of the new Wellness Compass columns with me and appear as a regular guest on the podcast. Holly is also a licensed marriage and family therapist with four decades of helping teens, parents, and families, both as a teacher and family therapist. Together we are the Co-Directors of the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation, the foundation that underwrites all of our work. We are also the co-creators of a variety of Wellness Compass resources, including the Adult Wellness Compass, Teen Wellness Compass, and Parent Wellness Compass materials. Links to all these resources can be found at WellnessCompass.org.

Thank you for being a reader of this column. I hope you will enjoy the new column and podcast and that we can continue to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness together. I appreciate your feedback and welcome your ideas for topics you would like to see addressed in future columns. You can reach me at Scott@wellnesscompass.org.

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Planting Trees for Others

Planting Trees for Others

 My wife and I recently returned from a week spent in Voyageur’s National Park, located on the border of northern Minnesota and Canada. It is a breathtakingly beautiful place with the unique claim that it is the only National Park that must be accessed via the water. Motors are allowed in this 225,000-acre park, and everyone must enter in a boat. Many people enter in fishing or pontoon boats, while some prefer to enter by canoe or kayak. People who want to stay awhile can camp in sites scattered over 55 miles of park shoreline. 

 We had the good fortune to rent a houseboat for the week we spent in Voyageurs. Each day we would move to a different sand beach and tie up for the night. Campfires on the beach and unparalleled views of the night skies were balms for our tired souls. We lost count of how many bald eagles we saw, including the awe of numerous occasions where we saw them swoop down and take fish right out of the water. One night we moored right next to a tall grove of trees where a large group of eagles slept. We discovered this when at 4:30 the following morning, we were awakened by their loud screeching as they greeted the coming dawn. While I wouldn’t want to experience this every morning, I am beyond grateful that I got to experience it this one time.  

 I love the history of places, and so between a visit to one of the park’s visitor’s stations (accessible by water, of course) and some further reading, I learned that a large group of people worked for decades to fight to create this park. After almost fifty years of work, they finally succeeded in 1975 to officially establish the park.

  While enjoying some quiet time in the park, I wrote in my journal an expression of gratitude to those who had worked so hard to protect the sacred space that we were currently enjoying. Their work was a true gift to us, and even though we will never be able to thank them directly we gave thanks for their efforts.  

 During my quiet time, the quote above came to mind: “The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” While the people who worked to establish Voyageurs may not have planted the trees we were sitting under, they fought to preserve the space, thus creating the possibility for us to be there. 

 As I get older, I think more about metaphorically planting trees under whose shade I do not expect to sit. How can I show up and give back to my friends, family, and community in ways that will, in some small manner, create a space for others to experience well-being they may not have experienced otherwise? I’m now thinking about how I can do this with my words, my actions, giving of time or money, and getting involved in supporting causes, communities, and institutions that will live on long after I am gone.  

 We have learned this past year a half how interdependent we all are and how the choices we make can affect people we may never know. 

 I’ll close by simply asking you to join me in reflecting upon the question, how are you and I planting trees under whose shade we do not expect to sit?

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Of Permanence and Change

Of Permanence and Change

  The autumnal equinox, one of the days we experience equal amounts of darkness and light, occurred this week, ushering in one of my favorite seasons. I love the season of fall and not just because I enjoy football, apple picking, the stunning colors of the changing leaves, the World Series, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I also love fall because it is a time when I find myself turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general, and my life in particular. The poet Bonaro Overstreet says that autumn is "a symphony of permanence and change." Turning inward to reflect on what has changed, or what is changing, also provides the opportunity for me to focus on that which is changeless, that which is permanent.

  Fall is a time of transition. It's not just the trees that are transitioning here in the northern hemisphere; the geese and other wildlife are also preparing for the coming winter months. The geese as well as other animals, move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and other animals that don't migrate, create an internal transition as they shift their energy from external growth and creation to various internal protecting and stewarding expressions.

  I find that I too benefit from doing a similar kind of internal transitioning in the fall, as I both let go of what has been, and hold fast to what remains, learning to be appreciative of both. As the quote in the box above conveys so well, "The trees are about to show us how beautiful letting go can be.”

  Our lives indeed are comprised of equal parts light and shadow, a balance of day and night, an ongoing "symphony of permanence and change." As we begin the transition of this season, may we embrace the wisdom of knowing that even in letting go we can find beauty. 

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Listening

Listening

People have reached out to talk more the last weeks than usual. Many of the conversations I have had have concluded with some version of, “I didn’t expect you to solve anything; I just needed someone to listen. Thank you for being there.” I am always honored when someone trusts me enough to be vulnerable and share the challenges they are facing.

People are reaching out more because they are exhausted. The emotional, relational, and economic stressors are not like anything else we have ever faced. Part of what makes what we are all experiencing so difficult is the feeling of powerlessness we have to make things better. This is when listening becomes even more critical.

There are times when the goal of listening to someone talk about a challenge is to offer a possible solution. For example, if someone is struggling with using Zoom and asks if we can help, we listen until we have enough information to offer a helpful response. A different, deeper kind of listening is needed when we listen to problems that cannot be solved. In this case, the gift, the intention of our listening is for the other person to feel genuinely cared for and heard.

The word compassion means “with suffering.” To listen with compassion is to stand with a person in the midst of their struggle. It is to be present with them in a way that helps them to feel loved, honored, and respected. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

It has been pointed out that it is perhaps not a coincidence that the words listen and silent contain the same letters. To truly listen, we have to be comfortable with silence. We also have to be comfortable with silence or not speaking or responding too quickly so as to hijack the other person’s story.

You don’t need to merely take my word on the power of truly listening to another; you can experience it. Over the next day or two, I invite us all to make an effort to listen intently to the people with whom we interact. Practice the discipline and intention it takes to listen deeply to another person. As you listen to them, listen to truly understand what they are saying, experiencing, feeling, and thinking, and not merely to respond. Ask clarifying questions that let the person know you really care about what they are experiencing. Be still within yourself and be fully present to what they are saying to you. Try this several times and note what happens.

And because reading is a form of listening, I would like to thank you for listening to what I have shared here. I hope it inspires you to listen more carefully and to be more fully present to the people in your life, especially those who are feeling frightened, overwhelmed, and alone right now.
 

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Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

  This week is the twentieth anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget. I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning. The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us. Those who lost loved ones that day or those close to the trauma are, of course, most affected, but to some degree, all of us are still affected, which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected. Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return. This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it is an essential key to healing.

 As a psychotherapist, I have had the opportunity to work with many trauma victims through the years. They have taught me that the three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss are feeling, talking, and trusting. If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first. They can come like waves that feel as though they threaten to drown the person who has experienced the trauma. The key to working through these intense feelings and beginning the healing process is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow. If the feelings are blocked, the healing is blocked. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are, and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced. There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out, or we can act them out. If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing, or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs. It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust. We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting. Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

 When I work with people recovering from trauma, my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to. You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

 Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss. What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk? For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

 The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001, are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed. There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself, this saying is incomplete, though. Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds. What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again and again.
 

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