That’s a Great Question
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.
As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions." The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing."
When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship.
So….what constitutes a great question? Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours.
A great question …
*…is open-ended.
A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no." "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection.
*…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better.
"How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?"
"If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?"
"What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?"
These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities.
*…is comfortable asking about feelings.
"The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know."
"You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?"
To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.
*…is comfortable with silence.
Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another.
*…is neutral and free of bias.
"You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral.
Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?"
*…is asked with one's full, undivided attention.
The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words.
Of course we ask lots of questions in relationships and most of them don’t have to rise to the level of being great. But a just few great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, can make all the difference in our relationships.
As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well.
Making It Personal:
What would you add to this list of what makes for a great question? Which of the bullet points above speak most to you? With whom might you try out some great questions this week, asking them with undivided attention and a commitment to listening patiently?
Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.
We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org
We invite you to listen to this week's podcast episode if you are interested in a few of our thoughts about this piece. It is easy to listen to the ten-minute episode. To find it—click HERE, and you will be taken to our Wellness Compass website, where you simply need to push the "play" button to listen to the audio.
Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT, and Scott Stoner, LMFT
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In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast
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