“Is There Anything You Might Be Pretending
Not to Know?”
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.
Imagine the following exchange between two people who are closely connected.
Person 1: "I have found you to be quite argumentative and defensive recently, and I am feeling hurt by how you habitually respond to me in this way."
Person 2: (Said with great intensity and heated emotion) "What are you even talking about??!! I have NOT been argumentative and defensive at all!"
Person 1: (Silence, just looking at the other person with curiosity).
Person 2: (Sheepishly adds) "Um, maybe the way I just responded to you is kind of what you are talking about? I guess I have kind of been acting like a jerk lately."
Person 1: "Yes, and thank you for being willing to notice that. Let's talk more about what's going on."
In our multi-part series on key practices for enhancing our wellbeing, we are focusing on the importance of self-awareness this week.
The fictional exchange above illustrates that change can only begin once self-awareness exists. If Person 2 in the conversation had only stayed defensive and argumentative, never acknowledging any truth to what Person 1 was saying, no change would be possible then.
Susan Scott is an author we both like and in her book Fierce Conversations, she has a great coaching question. "What, if anything, are you pretending not to know right now?" What we like about this question is that it reminds us that sometimes there are things we are struggling with that we, at one level, know we need to face, but are actively trying not to be aware of. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but whatever the reason, we can't begin to change something until we acknowledge it.
Last week, we wrote about the practice of self-compassion. We started with that practice because we wanted it to guide all the other practices. With self-compassiom, and compassion from others, we are more willing and able to recognize signs that something is out of balance in our lives, whether that be in our physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual wellbeing.
Such self-awareness might sound like this…
"I've been unusually tired lately; I wonder what that's about."
"I feel like I have lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to take some time to reflect and work on that."
"I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed with other things lately. I want you to know that I am aware of that and intend to make some changes in our relationship."
"I am aware that I have been pretending not to know that what I am currently doing is not sustainable."
"I am aware that this organization cannot simply keep doing what has always done and expect different results."
Do any of these statements connect with you or bring something related up for you in your life? How might you practice greater self-awareness (combined with self-compassion) right now? And how might doing so enhance some aspect of your wellbeing?
We invite you to listen to this week's podcast episode if you are interested in a few of our thoughts about this piece. It is easy to listen to the ten-minute episode. To find it—click HERE, and you will be taken to our Wellness Compass website, where you simply need to push the "play" button to listen to the audio.
Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT, and Scott Stoner, LMFT
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In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast
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