Mindset Matters

Mindset Matters

Carol Dweck, a research psychologist at Stanford University, is well known for her work on exploring the differences between fixed and growth mindsets. Our column and podcast from last week focused on the power of the word yet, which was a simple way to understand the more complex concepts that this psychologist writes about.

"I can't constructively express my feelings when I am upset," is an example of a fixed mindset.

"I haven't learned how to express my feelings constructively yet" is an example of a growth mindset.

Here are a few other examples. These are some of the ones we often hear as therapists. Each pair of statements are an example of the two mindsets.

"I don't know how to say 'no' to my children." 

"I am learning how to set clearer boundaries with my children."

"We don't talk about conflict in our relationship."

"We have been taking risks to address conflict when it comes up. It's quite awkward at this point, but we are learning."

"I am not an exerciser. Never have been and never will be."

"I have recently committed to walking three times a week, and while I wouldn't say it's a habit yet, I'm curious about what the benefits might be for me."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I would never do something like that."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I'm going to talk to her and learn how it's helpful for her. Maybe I'll even try it myself."

"I think that people that disagree with me politically are usually ignorant and uninformed."

"I have some friends and family members who disagree with me politically, and I want to find a way to talk with them so that we can genuinely be curious and listen to each other. Maybe if we are respectful, we might even learn from or about why we think what we think."

"That's just the way I am. You are not going to change me now." (Usually said in response to some kind of criticism, such as being late, or impulsive, or drinking too much, or being unable to apologize.)

"While I know I _______(fill in the blank), I am working to be more open to changing and learning to be different because I see it hurts you and me."

We are not born with our mindsets. We form them in response to many influences over time. Often our mindsets are unconscious, and we are unaware that they powerfully influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As therapists, though, we often see that behind unhealthy habits and behaviors are unhealthy and fixed mindsets. This is why it is good to be able to examine our perspectives and honestly reflect on whether they are enhancing or limiting our well-being, and our relationships with those we know and love.

Mindsets can be healthy and life-giving too. Core values such as honesty, kindness, love, and generosity ground our thoughts and actions in life-giving ways. It's only when we have a mindset that is hurting us, or others, that we want to be open to working to move that mindset from being fixed, to adopting new ways of thinking that promote growth and change.  

Making It Personal Questions:

Can you think of a time in the past when you, and/or a relationship in your life, benefited from you changing what had previously been a fixed mindset?

Do you feel a nudge to reflect on a mindset right now that might be limiting your well-being?

If you answered yes to number 2, what steps might you take right now to move to more of a growth mindset?

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they talk more about mindsets. You listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app, and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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The Power of Yet

The Power of Yet

Sometimes a small, three-letter word can make all the difference. To understand what we mean, note the difference between these two sentences.

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out.” 

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out yet.” 

The only difference  is the word “yet.” Adding this critical word opens up possibility and hope. The first sentence states a fact, a statement that seems to be the end of the story, rather than the mid-point of a story that is still being written.

The this in the two sentences will be different for each of us. Here are the ones we typically hear in our work as marriage and family therapists and as wellness coaches.  

“I feel a distance in my relationship with my friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/colleague and don’t know what to do to change this.”

“I don’t know how to change my unhealthy drinking patterns.”

“I am burned out in my work, and I can’t figure out a way to make a change.”

“My grief is overwhelming, and I have no idea how to create the next chapter in my life.”

“My child is now in middle school and I have no idea how to connect with them at this stage.”

Reread each of these sentences now and add the word yet to the end. Adding this small, but powerful word helps people move, in the words of author and researcher Carol Dweck, from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.  

Each challenge mentioned above is significant, and is not quickly resolved by simply adding the word yet. And yet (so to speak!), without that vital word, we will lack the mindset needed to keep trying until we figure things out, as well as being open to asking for help from others.

Are you stuck right now in a loop of thinking that a particular concern in your life cannot change? The first step to getting unstuck might be to shift to a “yet mindset,” one that creates an opening for growth and change. And while you are at it, you might consider who you might reach out to help you with this shift.  

Shifting your perspective on a challenge you are facing and reaching out to others for support can be difficult. Perhaps, though, this has been hard for you to do. Or, in the spirit of today’s column, …..it may be simply something you haven’t been able to do ……yet!

**If you have children that you want to talk with about the power of yet, or you are a child at heart, you will love this Sesame Street video about the power of yet featuring Janelle Monae. Click HERE to watch.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. So in this week’s episode, they talk more about the power of yet. You listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app, and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Recently we were made aware of some wise advice from author William Martin shared for parents. Martin reminds us to celebrate the ordinary moments of life, for in so doing, we also realize that it is in those everyday moments that the extraordinary becomes known. His words are helpful not only for parents, but for all of us, so we would like to share them with you in this week's column.

Here is what Martin writes:

"Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself."

These words remind us of a quote from Mother Teresa. When Mother Teresa was doing her work of caring for lepers in India, she often had volunteers from around the world that would come and help. When it was time for the volunteers to return home, they would ask her, "How can we do something when we get home that is as extraordinary as what you are doing here?" Her response was simple and direct, "Not all of us can do great things, but we all can do small things with great love."

The small, ordinary things we do every day as parents, friends, partners, spouses, colleagues, and neighbors, especially when done with attentiveness and love, are what make life extraordinary.

Is there some small thing you can do this week that, when done with great love, just might make an extraordinary difference in someone’s life?

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. So in this week’s episode, they talk more about ways we can celebrate the ordinary wonders of everyday life. You listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app, and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Announcing the New Wellness Compass Column & Podcast

Announcing a New Column and A New Podcast

You can find both the new column and new podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org

I am excited to announce that this column will have a new name, "The Wellness Compass," beginning tomorrow. I am also pleased to announce that I will be launching a new podcast by the same name that will offer a deeper exploration of topics presented in the weekly written column. You will be able to access the podcast through a link in each week's column, as well as in any podcast application you may already be using (Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, etc.) You can search within those podcast apps for "Wellness Compass" and listen and subscribe there. If you don't know what any of that means—don't worry—you can also listen to the podcast each week with the link that will appear in the column. And, of course, you can ignore the podcast altogether and keep reading the weekly column!

I have been writing the Weekly Words of Wellness column since May 2008 and have been honored to see its readership grow over the years. The column now reaches over 10,000 people each week. Thank you so much for being so supportive through these last thirteen years, which has included over 600 columns.

Based on the growth of the column, I will be hosting the new column and podcast on a new website, WellnessCompass.org. This will allow the column and podcast to have their own home, rather than trying to fit them into our Living Compass website (the home of our spirituality and wellness resources) or the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation website (the home of our secular wellness resources).

Because you currently subscribe to the Weekly Words of Wellness column, you will begin to receive the new column, The Wellness Compass, automatically tomorrow. If you decide you don't want to receive the new column each Friday, you are free to unsubscribe at any time by following the instructions found on the bottom of every column.

The people I have shared this idea with have asked me how the new column will be different. The main difference is that it will be written more from my work as a licensed marriage and family therapist and my experience of having conducted over 50,000 hours of individual, couple, and family therapy over the last four decades. Mental health concerns are more pressing than ever these days, and I am honored to be able to share what I have learned (often from the people I have been honored to work with, both personally and professionally, to help us all navigate this journey of life-long wholeness and wellness. In fact, the column's name is based on how often clients would share with me that they felt like their weekly counseling and coaching sessions served as a compass for them, helping them check to their bearings and navigate their personal and family life with more intention.

The new column will also give me a chance to focus more specifically on the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being, the foundational model that we created that grounds all of our resources. This whole-person model for well-being focuses on eight interconnected areas of wellness: Handling Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Spirituality, Rest & Play, Organization, Vocation (Work/School/Service), Stress Resilience, and Care for the Body. The column and podcast will provide an opportunity for all of us to engage in deeper conversation and awareness of each of these eight areas of wellness and how they interact and interconnect with each other.

I am also excited to share that my wife, Holly Hughes Stoner, will co-write many of the new Wellness Compass columns with me and appear as a regular guest on the podcast. Holly is also a licensed marriage and family therapist with four decades of helping teens, parents, and families, both as a teacher and family therapist. Together we are the Co-Directors of the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation, the foundation that underwrites all of our work. We are also the co-creators of a variety of Wellness Compass resources, including the Adult Wellness Compass, Teen Wellness Compass, and Parent Wellness Compass materials. Links to all these resources can be found at WellnessCompass.org.

Thank you for being a reader of this column. I hope you will enjoy the new column and podcast and that we can continue to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness together. I appreciate your feedback and welcome your ideas for topics you would like to see addressed in future columns. You can reach me at Scott@wellnesscompass.org.

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Planting Trees for Others

Planting Trees for Others

 My wife and I recently returned from a week spent in Voyageur’s National Park, located on the border of northern Minnesota and Canada. It is a breathtakingly beautiful place with the unique claim that it is the only National Park that must be accessed via the water. Motors are allowed in this 225,000-acre park, and everyone must enter in a boat. Many people enter in fishing or pontoon boats, while some prefer to enter by canoe or kayak. People who want to stay awhile can camp in sites scattered over 55 miles of park shoreline. 

 We had the good fortune to rent a houseboat for the week we spent in Voyageurs. Each day we would move to a different sand beach and tie up for the night. Campfires on the beach and unparalleled views of the night skies were balms for our tired souls. We lost count of how many bald eagles we saw, including the awe of numerous occasions where we saw them swoop down and take fish right out of the water. One night we moored right next to a tall grove of trees where a large group of eagles slept. We discovered this when at 4:30 the following morning, we were awakened by their loud screeching as they greeted the coming dawn. While I wouldn’t want to experience this every morning, I am beyond grateful that I got to experience it this one time.  

 I love the history of places, and so between a visit to one of the park’s visitor’s stations (accessible by water, of course) and some further reading, I learned that a large group of people worked for decades to fight to create this park. After almost fifty years of work, they finally succeeded in 1975 to officially establish the park.

  While enjoying some quiet time in the park, I wrote in my journal an expression of gratitude to those who had worked so hard to protect the sacred space that we were currently enjoying. Their work was a true gift to us, and even though we will never be able to thank them directly we gave thanks for their efforts.  

 During my quiet time, the quote above came to mind: “The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” While the people who worked to establish Voyageurs may not have planted the trees we were sitting under, they fought to preserve the space, thus creating the possibility for us to be there. 

 As I get older, I think more about metaphorically planting trees under whose shade I do not expect to sit. How can I show up and give back to my friends, family, and community in ways that will, in some small manner, create a space for others to experience well-being they may not have experienced otherwise? I’m now thinking about how I can do this with my words, my actions, giving of time or money, and getting involved in supporting causes, communities, and institutions that will live on long after I am gone.  

 We have learned this past year a half how interdependent we all are and how the choices we make can affect people we may never know. 

 I’ll close by simply asking you to join me in reflecting upon the question, how are you and I planting trees under whose shade we do not expect to sit?

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