Of Permanence and Change

Of Permanence and Change

  The autumnal equinox, one of the days we experience equal amounts of darkness and light, occurred this week, ushering in one of my favorite seasons. I love the season of fall and not just because I enjoy football, apple picking, the stunning colors of the changing leaves, the World Series, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I also love fall because it is a time when I find myself turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general, and my life in particular. The poet Bonaro Overstreet says that autumn is "a symphony of permanence and change." Turning inward to reflect on what has changed, or what is changing, also provides the opportunity for me to focus on that which is changeless, that which is permanent.

  Fall is a time of transition. It's not just the trees that are transitioning here in the northern hemisphere; the geese and other wildlife are also preparing for the coming winter months. The geese as well as other animals, move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and other animals that don't migrate, create an internal transition as they shift their energy from external growth and creation to various internal protecting and stewarding expressions.

  I find that I too benefit from doing a similar kind of internal transitioning in the fall, as I both let go of what has been, and hold fast to what remains, learning to be appreciative of both. As the quote in the box above conveys so well, "The trees are about to show us how beautiful letting go can be.”

  Our lives indeed are comprised of equal parts light and shadow, a balance of day and night, an ongoing "symphony of permanence and change." As we begin the transition of this season, may we embrace the wisdom of knowing that even in letting go we can find beauty. 

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Listening

Listening

People have reached out to talk more the last weeks than usual. Many of the conversations I have had have concluded with some version of, “I didn’t expect you to solve anything; I just needed someone to listen. Thank you for being there.” I am always honored when someone trusts me enough to be vulnerable and share the challenges they are facing.

People are reaching out more because they are exhausted. The emotional, relational, and economic stressors are not like anything else we have ever faced. Part of what makes what we are all experiencing so difficult is the feeling of powerlessness we have to make things better. This is when listening becomes even more critical.

There are times when the goal of listening to someone talk about a challenge is to offer a possible solution. For example, if someone is struggling with using Zoom and asks if we can help, we listen until we have enough information to offer a helpful response. A different, deeper kind of listening is needed when we listen to problems that cannot be solved. In this case, the gift, the intention of our listening is for the other person to feel genuinely cared for and heard.

The word compassion means “with suffering.” To listen with compassion is to stand with a person in the midst of their struggle. It is to be present with them in a way that helps them to feel loved, honored, and respected. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

It has been pointed out that it is perhaps not a coincidence that the words listen and silent contain the same letters. To truly listen, we have to be comfortable with silence. We also have to be comfortable with silence or not speaking or responding too quickly so as to hijack the other person’s story.

You don’t need to merely take my word on the power of truly listening to another; you can experience it. Over the next day or two, I invite us all to make an effort to listen intently to the people with whom we interact. Practice the discipline and intention it takes to listen deeply to another person. As you listen to them, listen to truly understand what they are saying, experiencing, feeling, and thinking, and not merely to respond. Ask clarifying questions that let the person know you really care about what they are experiencing. Be still within yourself and be fully present to what they are saying to you. Try this several times and note what happens.

And because reading is a form of listening, I would like to thank you for listening to what I have shared here. I hope it inspires you to listen more carefully and to be more fully present to the people in your life, especially those who are feeling frightened, overwhelmed, and alone right now.
 

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Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

  This week is the twentieth anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget. I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning. The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us. Those who lost loved ones that day or those close to the trauma are, of course, most affected, but to some degree, all of us are still affected, which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected. Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return. This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it is an essential key to healing.

 As a psychotherapist, I have had the opportunity to work with many trauma victims through the years. They have taught me that the three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss are feeling, talking, and trusting. If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first. They can come like waves that feel as though they threaten to drown the person who has experienced the trauma. The key to working through these intense feelings and beginning the healing process is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow. If the feelings are blocked, the healing is blocked. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are, and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced. There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out, or we can act them out. If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing, or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs. It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust. We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting. Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

 When I work with people recovering from trauma, my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to. You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

 Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss. What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk? For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

 The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001, are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed. There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself, this saying is incomplete, though. Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds. What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again and again.
 

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Living in the Present Moment

Living in the Present Moment

  A core principle of centering practices, including mindfulness, meditation, and centering prayer, is focusing on the present moment. Concentrating on one’s breath or a centering word is often helpful to keep one’s mind from wandering. 

  I have had a mindfulness/centering prayer practice for many years, but it’s a challenge in all honesty. Sometimes I am very disciplined in practicing daily, and sometimes not. And I always struggle with my attention getting hijacked by a myriad of thoughts and concerns. 

  This summer, I have had the good fortune of spending some extended time with two of the most exceptional mindfulness teachers I have ever known. To be in their presence is to experience what it is like to be singularly focused on the present moment, free from all worries about the past or future. These two teachers are my seven and five-year-old grandsons, and when I am with them, I am aware of the Zen saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I am grateful to have two such fun-loving, adorable teachers. 

  Here is an example of what I am learning from them. The other day I played a board game with the seven-year-old for over an hour. All he did for that entire time was play the game. I played the game the same amount of time, but here is a partial list of what I was doing during that same time: playing the game, worrying about a friend who is ill, thinking about five emails I needed to send and several more I needed to answer, rehashing a conversation I had with someone a few days earlier, and making a to-do list of various tasks I needed to complete later that day.

  When young children play a game, they are entirely invested in that present moment. That’s how they approach every activity, actually. Young children are so fully present in what they are doing that it is often hard for them to transition when an activity needs to end. On the other hand, adults seem to have the opposite problem—we are so good at multi-tasking and bouncing from one thing to another that we have difficulty being fully focused on doing just one thing. 

  I am now intentionally working on being less distracted and more fully present with my grandsons. With the help of my young teachers, I am making progress. I have also committed myself to extending my practice of being more fully present in my interactions with adults.

  You might want to give this a try yourself. First, notice how able you are to be fully present and free of distractions when you are with others. Without telling anyone, simply make the intention to be singularly focused with others and see what difference you (and maybe even they) notice.

  And if you think you might benefit from spending time with a wise meditation teacher, I hope there is a young child in your life that you will commit to spending some time with soon. 
 

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Life Long Learning

Life Long Learning

All across the country students have returned to school. Feelings of excitement mixed with a tinge of stress are ubiquitous for both children and their families, as the rhythms of summer are replaced by the rhythms of the school year. One question that is on the mind of every student, no matter their age, is "Who's my teacher going to be this year?"

     For most of the readers of this column, it's probably been a few years since you have started a new school year, but I would still like to invite you to think about this question, "Who are your teachers?" We may not be in school anymore, but we remain learners our whole lives. Life is our classroom, and the potential lessons are limitless. As you reflect on your own life right now, who are you learning from? What teacher or teachers are you seeking to learn from? What lessons do you want to learn from this teacher or teachers? There is an old saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will arise. What in life are you ready to learn right now? Who will you learn it from? 

     In this classroom called life, we are all students, and we are all teachers as we are all lifelong learners. We turn to our friends, family members, mentors, colleagues, pastors, rabbis, coaches, therapists, and others to be our teachers. And along the way, others turn to us to be their teachers as well. 

     We often turn to someone to be our teacher who has more experience in what it is we need to learn. This is frequently someone who has already been where we are going. A parent turns to other parents, especially those with more experience, to learn from their wisdom. A person struggling with a cancer diagnosis turns to other cancer survivors to learn from their life experience. A person wanting to deepen their spiritual life turns to their faith leader and members of their faith community to learn from and be inspired by their faith journeys. A person starting out in their career turns to a respected leader in their field. A singer turns to a voice teacher and joins a choir. A person wanting to start exercising takes a fitness class or joins a fitness club. A reader joins a book group. 

     When we were school children, we did not have a great deal to say about who our teachers were. As adults though, we get to choose who our teachers will be, knowing that there is always more for us to learn. To be a lifelong learner is to relish the fact that our awareness and consciousness are continually expanding. 

     So who are your teachers right now? As you think about who your teachers are right now, also think about whether you are looking for an additional teacher or perhaps an additional learning community at this point in your life. If so, this time of year is a great time to make a change.

     One of my primary teachers continues to be the author Richard Rohr. His writing has nourished and enriched my emotional and spiritual life for many years. His quote above is one small sample of his wisdom and is also a reminder that even life's toughest challenges can teach us valuable lessons. 

     And so to all the students out there, both young learners and lifelong learners, "Happy back to school!"

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