Eating More Than Our Share of Radishes

Eating More Than Our Share of Radishes

   In 1996, psychologist Roy Bauermeister conducted a fascinating experiment on will power. He invited a large group of people into a room filled with the smell of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. He sat them at tables and then brought to each table two bowls. One bowl contained radishes and the other chocolate chip cookies. Half of the people were told they could eat only the radishes and to use their will power to avoid eating any of the cookies. The other half of the group were told they could skip the radishes and eat as many cookies as they wished.

   Ten minutes later, everyone was led to another room where they were given (unknown to them at the time) an unsolvable geometry problem. The group of people who had just eaten the cookies worked an average of nineteen minutes trying to solve the problem before giving up. The group of radish eaters gave up after just eight minutes.  

   Bauermeister concluded that the radish eaters gave up earlier on the math challenge because they were suffering from “ego depletion,” which is a fancy way of saying they had exhausted their will power muscles as they refrained from eating the cookies. The will power of the cookie eaters, on the other hand, had not been depleted, and so they were able to concentrate more than twice as long on the math problem.  

   I believe that the results of this experiment help explain what I hear many people (including myself) now reporting regarding the challenges they are experiencing as this pandemic continues. People are noting that they and others are more impatient, irritable, distracted, and exhausted. And many report having trouble with focus and concentration, as well as impulse control related to eating and drinking.

  If you are experiencing any of these challenges, perhaps Dr. Bauermeister’s experiment can offer a little comfort and self-compassion. The pandemic has forced all of us to give up many of “the cookies” in our lives, those things that bring us the greatest pleasure. We are all having to “eat a lot more radishes” than usual, and our will-power muscles are tired.

  And speaking of self-compassion—that’s something we all can probably use a little more of these days, as we realize just how much emotional energy we are using to get through each day. 

   So pass the radishes. We can do this, and we will, one radish at a time—until the day comes when we can all once again sit around a table, shoulder to shoulder, faces uncovered, enjoying as many chocolate cookies together as we wish.

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True Mental Strength

Real Mental Strength

  Acting tough is about external appearances. It involves creating a persona that convinces other people you're impervious to pain. True mental strength involves working on your character.  Mentally strong people are willing to be vulnerable, and quite often, people confuse their openness and honesty with frailty.  Amy Morin

  We live in uncertain times that present daily challenges to our emotional well-being. If you are wondering how to cultivate the mental strength to move forward, I recommend an insightful book by psychotherapist Amy Morin. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success might be helpful. If reading a whole book on emotional well-being creates more stress, then you will be pleased to know you can find the “Cliff Notes” version of her book in an article she wrote for Inc.—you can read that article at: https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/10-signs-youre-a-mentally-strong-person-even-though-most-people-think-these-are-weaknesses.html

  Morin’s primary point is that we often mistake acting tough with being strong. Real strength, especially in times of extreme uncertainty, manifests in the ability to be vulnerable, flexible, and willing to change one’s mind in the face of new information and facts as they are revealed.  

  Here are Morin’s top ten signs of mentally strong people

1. Be kind.

2. Changing your mind.

3. Acknowledging your weaknesses. 

4. Being patient.

5. Asking for help.

6. Being comfortable with failing.

7. Expressing emotions.

8. Walking away.

9. Improving yourself.

10. Staying calm.

  This list presents very different ideas of strength than what I was taught to believe growing up. Pretending to be tough and in full control, I now know, is actually a false or pseudo-strength, usually present in direct proportion to the fear that someone is trying to hide. As I have aged, I have learned that real strength is grounded in what Amy Morin writes about in her book and article.

  How about you? How do you think of emotional strength? As you read the list of these ten attributes, is there one that “has your name on it”? What do you need to enhance as you seek to stay emotionally healthy in the midst of all we are facing right now? For me, 4 and 5 are revealing themselves to be essential for me to practice as I deal with all the unknowns regarding how this pandemic will continue to unfold.  

Take comfort in knowing that if you are feeling tired, weak, or vulnerable in some way, and willing to accept and embrace these feelings, you have taken the first step in enhancing your emotional strength and well-being. Then look at the list and consider what might be others you could practice to grow stronger in this challenging time.

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Practice the Pause

Practice the Pause

    “Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly, and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.” Lori Deschene

    I was reminded of the power of pausing while riding my road bike earlier today as I was climbing some very steep hills. (Yes, I am aware that I write a lot about what I experience and learn while on my bike. It is where I spend a lot of time these days and do some of my best thinking.) As I neared the top of an exceptionally long and steep hill, I looked down at my bike computer and saw that my heart rate monitor was reading 156 beats per minute. 

    My elevated heart rate, along with the high temperature and humidity, gave me reason to pause - literally. I found some cool shade, drank some water, and in a few minutes by heart rate was under 90. I resumed my ride and gratefully didn’t encounter any more steep hills.  

   Wouldn’t it be nice if there was such a thing as an irritability or stress monitor? A person could wear it, and it would register when their irritability or stress levels had risen to potentially unsafe levels. Learning to pause before our irritability and stress levels get too high is a foundation of emotional, spiritual, and relational wellness. Knowing when to pause and rest when we are emotionally flooded is just as crucial as pausing when we are physically stressed.

   Lori Deschene, in the quote at the top of the column, provides a helpful list of when it is vital to pause. The list is a good start and helps me to think of a few other additions. 

Pause before sending emotionally charged emails. 

Pause before posting heated comments on social media.

Pause to examine our own biases.

Pause to listen more before being too quick to speak. 

Pause before talking badly or gossiping about someone. 

Pause when feeling impatient. 

Pause when feeling stressed or exhausted. 

Pause before becoming overwhelmed.

Pause before being so quick to defend yourself.

   What else might you add to your personal list of when to pause? How do you monitor when you are becoming overwhelmed? In what specific ways do you “practice the pause?” What are the differences in your life and your relationships when you pause more often, and when you don't?

   We are indeed living through stressful times, filled with what seems like one excessively steep hill to climb after another. Knowing when to take time to pause is perhaps more crucial than ever.   

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America, You Great Unfinished Symphony

America, You Great Unfinished Symphony

   The title for this column is a lyric from the blockbuster musical Hamilton, written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and based on biography Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. The musical won eleven Tony Awards in 2016, as well as the Pulitzer Prize for Drama that same year. And just in time for the Fourth of July this year, Hamilton is being released on Disney Plus. I am a fan in awe of this musical, and I could not be more excited.

  The story of Alexander Hamilton mirrors the story of the founding of our country, a mixture of founding ideals, genius, infighting, and imperfection, all of which are on full display. This same mixture continues today, as America is still an unfinished symphony.

  Hamilton reminds us of the power of ideals, as well as the power of a guiding vision. It is these ideals that we remember every year as a nation on the Fourth of July, and that serve as our compass in the midst of whatever challenges we are currently facing as a country.

  Whenever I have the privilege of consulting with a family or organization in conflict, I often ask them to go back to the ideals and vision they held in common when they first started. I ask them to remember and hold on to those as they seek to resolve their current conflict. I remind them that it is easy for any of us to lose sight of our founding spirit and vision when we are in the midst of challenging times. We, our families and our county, are all unfinished symphonies, a mixture of beautiful harmonies and, at times, glaring imperfections and inconsistencies. And still, we continue to evolve, learning new harmonies to sing and new ways to more fully embody our founding ideals of life, liberty, and happiness for all.

  Happy Fourth of July everyone, and if you get a chance, I highly recommend watching Lin-Manuel Miranda’s magnum opus.  

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Knowing When to Shift Gears

Knowing When to Shift Gears

    Daily bike rides are my primary stress reliever these days. The combination of physical activity, mixed with being outside in the fresh air, is a balm for my COVID-tired spirit. 

   One of the things I especially love about road biking is that it requires complete concentration. My mind cannot wander or worry when I am fully focused on riding, as a momentary lapse can result in my not seeing an upcoming pothole or a car turning in front of me. It is worth noting that the skill of being centered entirely in the present moment is precisely the essence of mindfulness and meditation too.  

   As I have been spending more time on my bike than usual, I have been stretching myself to try some more challenging routes, including some with ten and eleven percent grade hills. I have discovered that the key to riding up long, steep hills involves both pacing myself and learning the art of shifting gears. Shifting too late makes it impossible to get up the hill because I won’t have enough power, while shifting too early causes me not to have the momentum needed to negotiate a hill.

    It strikes me that both learning how to pace ourselves and learning how to shift are things we are all having to do during these challenging times. Some of us are riding up steeper hills than others. All of us are tired and facing some kind of uphill battles, ones we haven’t encountered previously. We may find ourselves losing our momentum and trying to find a different gear that will be sustainable for a much longer and hillier ride than we could have imagined.  

     One of the most important decisions you will make when purchasing a bike is how many gears to have. The answer to that question is related to the kind of riding you anticipate doing. Short rides on flat roads and bike paths require a smaller gear range. If, on the other hand, you anticipate riding longer routes with lots of hills, you will benefit from having a more expansive range of gears.  

   This metaphor speaks to me at this time as I find that caring for my spiritual and emotional wellness  now requires my being more aware of what gear to use. Harder challenges require a higher gear with more effort, but I can’t ride with that effort all the time without burning out. I also need to learn when using an easier gear is appropriate, one that makes it possible for me to maintain a slower, more deliberate pace. And sometimes, I simply need to remember to stop altogether and rest.  

   What’s helping you manage your energy these days? What new gears, patterns, routines, and habits have you discovered to help you pace yourself in these trying times? If you haven’t quite found that yet for yourself, remember the importance of continuing to practice new ways of shifting, knowing that what worked well two days or two weeks or two months ago may not be what works well now.

 Knowing when to shift gears and knowing how to pace ourselves are important skills. Don’t worry if (like me) you haven’t mastered them yet. There will be plenty of time to continue learning and practicing these skills in the months and years ahead.  

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