Let's Talk Things Out

Let’s Talk Things Out

     Two years ago, this month, there was something quite positive happening that also captured global attention. Several hundred million people from around the world tuned in to watch the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Megan Markle. And while they have also been in the news quite a bit since their wedding day, I actually want to focus in this column on a story about Prince Harry that first aired in the spring of 2017, a year before his wedding. 

   In a very candid interview, Prince Harry talked honestly about his mental health struggles as a young man. I wrote a column about this interview at the time that it was aired, and have now decided it would be worth repeating some of that column. The reason is because so many people are currently facing mental health challenges due to the stress and loss that they are feeling in this time of the pandemic. Some of the quotes from Prince Harry's 2017 interview, found below, are almost word for word what people are sharing with me as they talk about what they are experiencing today in this unique time of uncertainty.

   If you know of someone who is struggling with anger, depression, sadness, grief, or loss at this time, please share what Prince Harry shared with the world several years ago,  to help them accept and normalize what they are experiencing. Perhaps it will also encourage them to seek help, as Prince Harry wisely did, if the challenges become too great to work through on one's own.

   Prince Harry's story is a story of hope and resilience, one that inspiring for all of us to hear in the midst of the challenges we are all facing right now.

   Here is the column I wrote in April 2017 that is still relevant to what we are experiencing today.

   In my therapy practice, I have frequently shared a teaching with individuals, couples, and families that when it comes to expressing our emotions, we have two choices. We can talk them out, or we can act them out. 

   I was reminded of the truth of this teaching from a very unexpected source--Prince Harry of Wales. In a stunningly honest twenty-five minute interview for a new podcast show in England, Harry talked openly of how impaired he had become due to the unresolved grief that he had been carrying around since his mother's (Princess Diana) death when he was twelve. You will find some quotes from the interview at the end of this column to give you a sample of what he shared. 

   Harry, now 32 years old, acknowledges in the interview that he recently went through a two year period where his life was, in his words, "total chaos." One of the signs of the emotional chaos he was feeling was that he was becoming more and more angry and feeling like he wanted to "punch someone." Anger is a very common way for unresolved grief to manifest itself, especially in men. With the support of his brother William, Harry went to a therapist to talk about his grief and learned that the chaos that he had been feeling was rooted in the internal chaos of the grief he had been trying to avoid talking about for so many years. 

   Harry's thinking typifies what many of us believe, that talking about our emotions, be they grief, anxiety, sadness, or anger will only draw more attention to them and make the feelings stronger, which will in turn make us feel worse. There are many ways we can justify to ourselves that being vulnerable and talking about our emotions is not a good thing. The truth is just the opposite. 

   Acknowledging our vulnerability and talking it through with others is what brings healing and allows us to eventually resolve the feelings that we have been carrying around, making it possible to move on to a healthier and happier life. What is true for individuals is also true in relationships. When conflictual feelings arise between two people, if they choose not to talk those feelings out, they will soon find that they are acting them out. This acting things out can manifest itself in distancing, avoiding, or growing irritable with each other. However, when two people who are experiencing conflict in their relationship risk being vulnerable and talking things out, it is not unusual for them to experience healing and a renewed connection between one another. Choosing to avoid talking about hard things, it turns out, distances us not only from ourselves, but from others, too.

   I am so grateful for Prince Harry's willingness to be vulnerable and share his story with the world. I am also thankful for the commitment he and his family have made to a mental health campaign entitled Heads Together. May their willingness to talk openly about mental and emotional wellness remind us of the importance of talking things out, no matter what the problem. 

   Below are some direct quotes from Prince Harry's interview. These statements will help us all see that feeling any kind of grief is normal, and that the need to talk it out is universal. This is as true for the grief of losing a loved one as it is for the stress that comes from living in a time of great uncertainty. 

"I just couldn't put my finger on it, I just didn't know what was wrong with me." 

"I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on, not only my personal life, but my work as well." 

"I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sorts of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle." 

"The experience I have had is that once you start talking about it, you realize that actually you're part of quite a big club." 

"And then I started to have a few conversations and actually all of a sudden, all of this grief that I have never processed started to come to the forefront and I was like, there is actually a lot of stuff here that I need to deal with." 

"I know there is huge merit in talking about your issues and the only thing about keeping it quiet is that it's only ever going to make it worse."

   Thank you, Prince Harry, for reminding us of the importance of talking things out. 

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When a Wise Woman Speaks

When a Wise Woman Speaks

  My annual sharing of the favorite “Momisms” that readers have shared with me has a unique focus this year. I have curated what was sent to me and am sharing the words that are especially relevant to navigating one’s way through a pandemic.  

What I enjoy most about collecting these words of wisdom from mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women in our lives are the stories that readers include about the women they are quoting. I hear stories of women who passed years ago and of ones who have died recently. I hear stories of kind mothers and some who were not. And I hear of stories of fun times and hard ones as well. Quite a few of you shared stories this year of adversity that was overcome, which made what was shared especially relevant to what we are experiencing today.

Mother’s Day can be an emotional time. Many of you shared your grief because this is the first Mother’s Day since your mother or grandmother passed away, or because you can’t be with your loved ones this year. For many people, and for many reasons, Mother’s Day can sometimes be a sad time, and so my heart goes out to all who are grieving right now.  

My column for January 31, 2020, began with these words, “Recent concerns about the coronavirus remind us of just how connected we all are to each other, and how quickly a virus can spread.” (Here’s a link to that column.) I went on to write about how what is in each of our hearts and souls is highly contagious, and that we have the power to infect others with love and kindness. The “Momisms” you shared with me are proof of just what I was writing about three and a half months ago.

So, without further ado, here is the special Covid-19 edition of “Momisms”:

You don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.

Never leave the house without saying, “I love you.” (the first part seems especially relevant!)

Life goes on.

A good sense of humor goes a long way.

This too, shall pass.

Just because you are thinking something, doesn’t mean you should speak it.

Pause to watch the sun set, and be assured it will rise again in the morning.

Everything will look better in the morning.

Life is not fair, so you have to live the life you have been given. Live it well.

Nothing is more important than what you are doing right now.

It's not what happens to you that matters, but how you handle it.

Nothing in life comes easy; you have to work hard for everything you get.

Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.

Do your best, and then let it go and leave the results to God.

This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things.

You don't have to like the cards you are dealt, but you do have to play them. 

It may not be ok, but it will all work out.

You will always have some dirt in your house, but you will not always have kids in the house.

“Cuando una puerta se cierra, se abren cien.” (When one door closes, one hundred open.)

Let go and let God.

Never say never.

Always remember to be kind. 

Take care of each other.

And to all the mothers reading this, Happy Mother’s Day!

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The Gift of Listening

The Gift of Listening

  People have reached out to talk more this week than usual. Many of the conversations I have had have concluded with some version of, “I didn’t expect you to solve anything, I just needed someone to listen. Thank you for being there.” I am always honored when someone trusts me enough to be vulnerable and share the challenges they are facing.

  People are reaching out more because this sheltering at home is getting arduous. The novelty has long worn off, and the emotional, relational, and economic stresses are mounting. Part of what makes what we are all experiencing so difficult is there isn’t anything any of us can do to fix it. This is when listening becomes even more critical. 

  There are times when the goal of listening to someone talk about a challenge is so we can offer a possible solution. For example, if someone is struggling with how to use Zoom and asks if we can help, we listen until we have enough information to offer a helpful response. A different, deeper kind of listening is needed, though when we are listening to problems that cannot be solved. In this case, the gift, the intention of our listening is for the other person to feel truly cared for and heard. 

  The word compassion means “with suffering.” To listen with compassion is to stand with a person in the midst of their struggle. It is to be present with them in a way that helps them to feel loved, honored, and respected. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.  

  It has been pointed out that it is perhaps not a coincidence that the words listen and silent contain the same letters. To truly listen, we have to be comfortable with silence. We also have to be comfortable with silence or not speaking or responding too quickly so as to hijack the other person’s story.  

   You don’t need to merely take my word on the power of truly listening to another; you can experience it. Over the next day or two, I invite us all to make an effort to listen intently to the people with whom we interact. Practice the discipline and intention it takes to listen deeply to another person. As you listen to them, listen to truly understand what they are saying, experiencing, feeling, and thinking, and not merely to respond. Ask clarifying questions that let the person know you really care about what they are experiencing. Be still within yourself and be fully present to what they are saying to you. Try this several times and note what happens.

  And because reading is a form of listening, I would like to thank you for listening to what I have shared here. I hope it inspires you to listen more carefully and to be more fully present to the people in your life, especially those who are feeling frightened, overwhelmed, and alone right now.

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Flattening the J Curve

Flattening the J Curve

“We may not ever understand why we suffer or be able to control the forces that cause our suffering, but we can have a lot to say about what the suffering does to us, and what sort of people we become because of it.”

—Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People

     There is wisdom in the J curve, for it helps us to understand what we experience during times of significant change and disruption.

   Note from the diagram that the vertical axis of the J curve is "Stability," while the horizontal access is "Resilience/Growth." When change occurs in our lives, the graphic shows that stability begins to decline. When change is significant—a move, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or as now, experiencing a pandemic, the decline in stability can be steep.  

   One natural reaction to a sudden experience of instability is, "I want to go back. If only I could back to the way things were, everything would be okay." A second common reaction is "I want this uncertainty to be over NOW—I want to be on the other side of the "J" curve as quickly as possible," even if it means trying to minimize or deny the significance of what is currently happening.

   While these two responses are natural, we soon realize that we can't go back, and we also cannot force or rush the resolution of what we are going through. There are, fortunately, choices we can make that will significantly affect how deep our J curve experience will be. 

   We are quite familiar now with the term, "Flatten the curve," and so here are four specific things we can do to flatten any J curve. 

  Befriend Solitude: Turn off all your screens and try to spend at least ten minutes each day being still. You might pray, or meditate, or practice mindfulness. Or you might simply sit still and focus on your breathing. If anxious or distracting thoughts arise, just note them and let them pass, as if you were sitting on a riverbank watching a leaf float by until it eventually floats out of sight.  The mindfulness app Headspace has free meditations available now that are easy to access.  

  Connect With Others: We know that distancing ourselves from others flattens the pandemic curve. Making time each day to connect with others helps to flatten the J curve. Fortunately, there are many options for connecting with others. Use the ones that work for you. Connect with at least one person or more for at least fifteen minutes each day. If you are living with others at this time, make intentional time each day to meaningfully connect with each person in your household. 

  Nurture Your Spirituality: Nurturing your spirituality is crucial for supporting your journey through change and disruption. If you are a praying person, pray. If you are a religious person, deepen your practice of your faith. When possible, spend time in nature. Read poetry. Listen to music. Do whatever feeds your spirit.

  Offer Kindness to Others: Offer one act of kindness to others each day. Call someone who is alone. Call someone who is grieving. Donate to a group that is helping others. Give a larger tip if you do takeout from a restaurant. My daily runs benefit from the kindness of children who use chalk to regularly write words of encouragement for those passing by on the sidewalks in front of their homes

  Every one of us is experiencing some degree of change and instability, some degree of a J curve right now. None of us planned for or chose this particular pandemic J curve. We can, however, make choices that will help to flatten the curve by practicing the things I have outlined here.

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Keep the Problem the Problem

Keep the Problem the Problem

 I have shared the story I am about to share in this column once or twice previously because living through it taught me a  valuable lesson. I'm also sharing it now believe its lesson is especially applicable to the situation many of us find ourselves in today, sheltering in place for what has been more than a month now.

    My wife and I love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature. So several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a very remote park that is only accessible by canoe. I remember well an experience we had one stormy day. We had awoken early and had to decide whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as a storm was predicted later in the day. I thought we should stay put where we were sheltered on shore. She thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake a mile or so away before the storm arrived.  After a brief discussion, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. 

 We loaded up the canoe with all our packs and took off across the vast lake we had been camping on. A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. Fifteen minutes from the closest shore, we glanced behind us and noticed that the storm had come up quicker than we expected. In the next few minutes, we became uncomfortably aware that the sky was becoming black, the wind was whipping around us, and the temperature was dropping. Soon there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. We were scared.

   So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation.  We began to have a fight right there in the middle of the lake.  The argument started when I started to raise my voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't  come out here today!" (Note to self: saying "I told you so" never helps resolve anything). Soon the shouting went back and forth, with her asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder? Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to disagree about which point on the horizon was our desired destination. After a few minutes of futile arguing, we looked at each other and realized how silly we were being. We took a deep breath, double-checked the map, and resumed paddling. 

 When we finally reached shore and could later talk about what happened, we realized that out on the water, we had not really been mad at each other, but instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other. The storm was the "problem," and yet in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily made each other the "problem."

    Whenever people find themselves in the midst of a "storm," they are vulnerable to turning against one another, rather than turning toward one another for support and cooperation. The world is currently in the midst of a "storm" like we have never experienced. If you are sheltering in place with others, you may find that you are getting on each other's nerves, becoming more irritable, and even fighting. You might find yourself lashing out at state and national leaders. You might hear yourself sounding like my wife, and I did that day on the lake, yelling such things as, "I told you so. You are not paddling hard enough. Why do I always have to do all the work around here? Nobody appreciates how hard I'm working." 

    All people are vulnerable to turning against one another when experiencing fear in the midst of uncertainty. Today this includes couples, families, friends, businesses, work teams, politicians, and organizations. Every one of us has experienced some degree of loss and disruption, some much more than others, and some have suffered losses so severe they wonder how they will ever recover.

   Whenever I work with a family or organization that is in conflict, I almost always, at some point, share the mantra, “Keep the problem the problem, and don’t make a person the problem.”  Because when we begin to think that the other person the problem, not only do we injure the relationship with that person, but we also stop focussing on the real problem. When my wife and I were so busy yelling at each other, neither one was paddling; neither one of us was addressing the real problem ahead of us, the storm that was surrounding us, and our need to get off the lake.

   We are all now in the midst of a big storm, and we are going to be paddling together through it for what looks to be a long time. I, for one, will try to remember to keep my focus on the problem and not make others the problem. Even more, I will remember that others are an essential part of the solution, as the African proverb reminds us: "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."

   But just as soon as I commit to not blaming others, I realize how hard it can be to put this into practice. Because seriously, "Why am I the only one around here who EVER unloads the dishwasher?!”

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