The Shelter of Each Other

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, here are a few of my favorite Irish sayings: May the wind be always at your back.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It’s easy to halve the potato where there’s love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

And here’s my favorite one of all:

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

There are many ways we can provide for one another the kind of shelter this favorite saying of mine describes. We can provide shelter by genuinely listening to one another, or by just being present to a person, not trying to change or fix them.  We can also provide shelter to each other by simply offering any or all of the following: compassion, love, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude. It’s as easy as that, and as hard as that.

In addition to their witty sayings and proverbs, the Irish are also well known for their collection of blessings.  Type “Irish Blessing” in a Google search, and you will find hundreds of examples.  Even if you are not Irish yourself, you likely are already familiar with several of these blessings. Offering someone your blessing is another way we can provide emotional and spiritual shelter for them to live within.

One way I know about a blessing’s power to provide shelter is because of how many times I have heard stories about the opposite, when a blessing is withheld.  In my counseling work, I have heard stories of great sadness when a person shared how a significant person in their life—a parent, grandparent, boss, close friend—did not bless the person they were or an important decision they had made.  “It has always been painful for me that I did hot have my _______’s blessing,”  is almost always said with tears in their eyes.

On the other hand, something very different happens when a person tells a story of how much it means to them to have received the blessing of a significant person in their life.  Their eyes sparkle with joy, and their face lights up as they share their story of being blessed.  To be blessed by someone is to experience the shelter of their unconditional love and positive regard.  It means they have our back and want the best for us.

There are indeed many ways to recognize St. Patrick’s Day.  This year, I invite you to join me in celebrating it by remembering to be a blessing, and to offer freely and regularly our blessings to friends, families, and neighbors.

I also invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with me by replying to this email.

Now I close with one beautiful Irish blessing, one that speaks to the many kinds of shelter we  can, in fact, offer to one another when we are generous and loving

May you always have

Walls for the winds

A roof for the rain

Tea beside the fire

Laughter to cheer you

Those you love near you

And all your heart might desire.

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Loving Well

This week I am sharing some material I wrote for the Living Compass booklet of daily readings entitled Living Well Through Lent 2018. The theme of this booklets is “Loving With All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.”  

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It seems that frequently when the topic of love is discussed, the discussion often turns to the idea of falling in love, the great wonder that exists when love is new.  As a culture, we primarily focus on and celebrate the “falling in love” stage of a relationship, be it the love of a new couple, the birth of a new child, or the formation of a new friendship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love must be what is most important. Anyone who has been in love, of course, knows differently.

The head over heals rush of falling in love, as powerful and wonderful as it is, is transitory. So given the fact that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, it seems wise to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love, and that is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not only a feeling, but is also a decision.  Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling, we can decide to stand in love in any relationship and to work with that person long after the feelings of falling love have diminished.

When a friend or family member cares for a chronically ill loved one, they are standing in love. When a person faces down their fear and stands up to racism, that person is standing in love. When a person refuses to give up on someone they love who is struggling with an addiction or other adversity, they are standing in love.

Few things reflect the state of our own spiritual and emotional wellness than our capacity to love well, and so it is wise to think about this as it applies to your own life from time to time. I know that when I am in an internal state of worry and negativity, my capacity to love others is greatly diminished. When I am in a place of internal peace and calm, I  have a much greater capacity to both feel and express love.

I recently facilitated a Parent Wellness Circle, a six-week gathering of parents who are meeting to become more intentional about their parenting. In one discussion the parents agreed that almost every time they had been harsh with their child, it was more of a reflection of what was going on inside of them, rather than what their child had been doing or not doing, that triggered their reaction. When they were not in a good place themselves, it was hard to be a patient and loving parent. Lonni Collins Pratt says it best in her book Benedict’s Way: Making Room for Love, “The biggest obstacle to hospitality is not the state of the world. It is the state of our minds and hearts.”

Do you see a connection between your own emotional and spiritual wellness and your capacity to love others? Do you see any “obstacles to hospitality” in your own mind or heart? If so, what might you do to remove them?

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Changing Direction

Several years ago I was paddling my canoe around the bend of a fast moving Canadian river. I felt prepared because I had studied my map closely, which showed that a series of rapids was just around the corner. Fortunately, the map also showed a place to pull ashore just before the rapids, so that one could get out and portage their canoe safely around the rough waters. This was my plan, but you know what they say about the best-made plans. I missed the pull off for the portage, and the current was too strong for me to do anything except allow it to pull me into and through the rapids. With a combination of high water and luck, I was fortunate to negotiate around the rocks without capsizing, white knuckles and all.  I remembered this heart-pounding experience recently when I came across the Chinese proverb found in the box at the top of this column, “If you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” On that day in Canada I missed my chance to change directions when I passed the pull-off for the portage, and so I did, indeed, end up exactly where I was heading.

We are in the Christian season of Lent, a time when many Christians make time to reflect on the direction their lives are heading. Most religions offer similar times during the year that serve as an invitation for self-examination.  During such times, it is common to ask oneself, “Are the choices I am making in my life right now aligned with my faith—with my core values and beliefs?” and,  “If so, how might I continue and strengthen those choices? If not, what can I do differently, what change can I make to more fully align my life with my beliefs and values?”

The season of Lent has traditionally been a time to reflect on one’s spiritual life. In our Living Compass programs, we invite people to expand this process of self-reflection to all aspects of our lives, not just our spiritual lives. How are we caring for our bodies? How are we managing our finances? How are we caring for the meaningful relationships in our lives? How are we caring for our emotional wellness? Where are our lives in or out of balance? How are we managing stress?

Just as with my canoeing experience, sometimes the current of life makes it hard for us to change directions. We can easily miss opportunities that present themselves to pull off the river, to take some time to consider our options or to make a safe portage around difficult waters. The season of Lent provides just such a time, a time to stop and reflect on the direction our lives are heading. I highly recommend taking some of the coming weeks to do so, because after all…. if you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

By Scott Stoner, for Living Compass

Making a Difference

This week's column is written by Holly Hughes Stoner, my wife of 40 years. For the past thirty-five years, she has worked with youth as an elementary school teacher, a middle school teacher and as a high school teacher. Today she is a marriage and family therapist and serves as the Director of Teen and Parent Wellness for Living Compass. I call her the "teen whisperer" because of her love of teens and her ability to get them to talk about what is most on their minds and in their hearts.  Normally she serves as the editor of this weekly column, but I have asked this week, in the light of the school shooting in Florida, if she could write this column to express her admiration and passion for our young people. Over the last forty plus years, as a professional, I have had the distinct honor of spending most of my days with awesome, funny, hard-working, and for the most part, innocent young people, and thus have seen children of all ages do wonderful things for others.

I once arrived at school after the death of my grandmother to find my desk covered with condolence notes from my sweet second graders. They had seen me cry when I got the news over the phone in my classroom and wanted to make a difference.

I have seen teenagers work tirelessly to raise thousands of dollars for an orphanage in Guatemala. These children had been to the orphanage on a trip with their Spanish class, had seen the needs, and wanted to make a difference.

Thirty years ago a student at our local high school was diagnosed with cancer and the other students wanted to do something, to make a difference. So with the support of the teachers and the community, they developed something called the Shorewood Games, modeled after the Olympics, and year after year new students continued the work and have now collectively raised four hundred thousand dollars to fight childhood cancer.

I have seen students work long hours to practice and create fabulous theater productions, hone skills as musicians and athletes, create and run clubs that bring awareness of social issues that matter to them, and speak out against injustices with youthful optimism.  All in all, I come away from my years of being surrounded by young people feeling inspired and grateful for their energy, hopefulness, and presence.

Not all of my students, however, were in a place to give back.  Some were struggling with challenging situations at home or in their neighborhoods. Some had learning struggles or were dealing with depression or anxiety and getting through each day was a challenge.  These children needed our care and attention all the more. They needed us to make a difference in their lives.

With the horrific news coming out of Florida this past week I am reminded of all of my students, and I am again struggling with wondering what we can do to make a difference, to make the world better for our children of all ages.  I know that there are things to be done on the policy level and that is extremely important, and we must also do things right in our very own neighborhoods, with the kids and the families who live nearby and are going to our local schools. We must let them know that they are valued, reaching out especially to those who are vulnerable and lost.

We might befriend a child by showing interest in their activities, maybe even going to their volleyball game or school concert. We might offer to sit for a family that can't afford a sitter, thus getting to know the kids better and helping out the parents. We might volunteer in a classroom, coach a team, or chaperone a field trip. We might offer to care for a child after school or on days when there is no school. The opportunities to do something meaningful to help a child are endless.

We can make a difference, one child, one teen at a time, and we must.

The Power of Stories

Marissa and Hannah Brandt have played hockey together their entire lives. These sisters grew up playing on the same team until they went off to different colleges, playing hockey then for their respective schools. And now they are playing for two different teams in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, with Hannah playing for Team USA and Marissa for the unified Korean team. Marissa was born in South Korea and was just four months old when she was adopted by an American couple, Greg and Robin Brandt from St. Paul, Minnesota. About the time of her adoption, the Brandts realized that they were expecting a baby, something they had previously thought impossible. Their daughter Hannah was born several months later, and so the two girls grew up together as beloved sisters, and both becoming outstanding hockey players.

While Marissa retired from hockey after college, Hannah continued to play and recently tried out and made the US Olympic women’s hockey team. A few weeks later Marissa, believe it or not, received a call inviting her to try out for the united Korea women’s hockey team. She accepted the invitation and made the team!  It was a dream come true for everyone. The Brandts had always wanted to make a family trip to Korea but had never even dreamed of visiting under these circumstances. Now they are all there together amazingly watching the sisters represent the countries of their births.

The broadcast of the Olympics, more than any other sports, share with us many of the backstories of the athletes who are competing. The stories help us to form a bond with the people being featured. Now we are not just watching hockey or luge; we have become part of the story of a person pursuing their dreams.

We work with many different organizations as a result of our Living Compass Wellness Initiative connections, often traveling to see the partners with whom we work. Organizations have stories, too, and so we always ask about how the organization we are visiting was formed and how it has changed through the years.  How has it adapted and been resilient? What are the unique challenges it faces today? How is its story intertwined with the story of the community in which it resides and serves? Stories are how we experience and convey meaning, purpose, and connection. If you want to know the essence of any person or organization, you simply need to know their foundational stories.

The same “getting to know you” process happens when any of us meets someone new. On numerous occasions I have had the experience where my initial judgment of someone has completely changed once I came to know their backstory, their founding story, so to speak.  When we are truly curious and honor another person’s story, especially when that person thinks and believes very differently than we do, we are getting to know them and taking an important step toward honoring their inherent worth. To live into this is one way we can each express one of the ideals of the Olympic charter: “to promote a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity.”

The Olympics is much greater than a sports competition. This was made clear by the fact that twenty-four million Americans watched the Opening Ceremony, an event that did not include an athletic competition of any kind.  People were tuning in for something even greater than the thrill of sport.

We live in a world that is full of many divisions. None of us are naive enough to think that the Olympics will simply turn all those divisions into harmony. Perhaps though, the stories we hear about the athletes from around our world can remind us that coming together and deeply listening to the stories of people whose life experiences are dramatically different from our own, is one small step we can each take towards bridging the divisions that separate us.