Love Casts Out Fear

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it seems timely to write about love in this week’s column.  To begin, here is one of my favorite quotes about love, by Aldous Huxley. “Love casts out fear; but conversely fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, casts out goodness, casts out all thought of beauty and truth…. And fear, my good friends, is the very basis and foundation of modern life.”  Ape and Essence, 1948.

The first part of this quote echoes the words from the Biblical verse found in 1 John 4:18:  “Perfect love casts out fear.” The remainder of the quote reminds us that as powerful a force as love is, fear has the power to erode our capacity to love. I recognize the truth of this in myself, because I know when I feel hurt, angry, wronged, or afraid, my capacity to love is greatly diminished. On the other hand, when I feel centered, secure, and content, my capacity to love is far greater than any fear or hurt I may have.

When I am working with a couple or a family in counseling, it is common at some point for one of the people in the room to turn to another and ask with intense emotion, “Why don’t you act more loving to me?” While the specific details of the answer that follows differ, the common theme is that the person who is not acting in a manner that is loving is feeling hurt and angry in some way, and thus is responding from a stance of fear rather than love. Only when their hurt, anger, and fear is addressed is it possible for their capacity to love to be restored.

In light of Valentine's Day coming soon, and to translate all of this into some concrete advice, I would like to share some wisdom from Terrence Real, the author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. This advice, which talks about the difference of approaching relationships from a place of love versus fear, applies not only to marriage but to all relationships. Here is a summary of his thoughts on the five things that build up relationships and the five things that break them down.  He calls these the five “losing or fear-based strategies" and the five “winning or love-based strategies."  While he is writing about marriage, these apply to all important relationships in our lives.

The Five Losing/Fear-Based Strategies

•Needing to be right

•Controlling your partner

•Unbridled self-expression

•Retaliation

•Withdrawal/Isolation

The Five Winning/Love-Based Strategies

•Shifting from complaint to request

•Speaking out with love and savvy

•Responding with generosity

•Empowering each other

•Cherishing

This year the first day of Lent happens to fall on Valentine’s Day. Lent is a season in which many Christians pause to reflect on what it means to live a more spiritual life. For me, the convergence of Valentine’s Day and the beginning of Lent provides the perfect opportunity to reflect on when I am relating others from a place of love and when I am relating to them from a place of fear.

Happy Valentine’s, and for those who observe the season of Lent, may it be a time of spiritual renewal for you.

By Scott Stoner for Living Compass

Lesson Learned

I have had a severe cold for several weeks, but that is not what has me feeling bad right now. Now that my cold is subsiding, what I feel awful about is the fact that I just learned that I infected several other people with my cold. I was careless about being out in public interacting with others, when I clearly should have been home recovering. I greatly minimized how contagious I was because I didn’t want to interrupt my regular routines. I don’t think I am alone in saying it is a good thing when we are all more conscious about how we affect others, and about what we are spreading when we interact with others. And here I am not just talking about physical colds and viruses, as we can easily spread emotional viruses like fear, anger, anxiety, and stress as well, without being conscious of the fact that we are doing so.

When one of my friends told me that they were pretty sure they caught their cold from me, my response was, “I am so sorry. That is the last thing I intended to have happen.” That was an honest response, and I am very sorry, and of course I never intended to infect others with my cold. But the lesson I have learned from this is that it is simply not enough to say I had no intention of infecting others. The truth is that what I needed to have adopted when I was sick was a conscious intention not to spread my cold to others.

If a person chronically dumps their stress (or their cold or flu) on the people around them, it is probably the case that they are not intending to bring the people around them down, but that is still likely what will happen. Only when that person makes the intention to work positively to relieve their stress (or cold) will positive change occur and will others have a better chance of not becoming infected.

The important thing to remember is that our moods, like our illnesses, are contagious. Negative mindsets that include sarcasm, cynicism and bad moods are often contagious. The good news is that on the other hand a positive mindset, one that includes joy, peace, humor, love, optimism, and happiness is also contagious. We can as just as easily "infect" people around us with our positive mindset as we can with our negative mindset.

During this flu and cold season, where everyone seems to be spreading something around, I can think of no better way to sum up what I learned than with the words of author Germany Kent.

How to change the world:

• spread positivity

• bring people up instead of dragging them down

• treat others the way you wish to be treated

The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

I recently co-facilitated a Parent Wellness Circle and after a few meetings one of the parents reported that she was describing our weekly gatherings to others as her "anti-Facebook group." She went on to explain that she was not so much against Facebook, but that she sometimes found herself stressed by what her friends, especially other parents, were always posting on social media. We all agreed that the tendency on Facebook, as with our public lives in general, is to share only the happy and positive moments. Sometimes she found herself wishing her life as a parent could be as seemingly easy as what she was seeing others share online. She was grateful to have the opportunity to gather with other parents in our wellness circle, a safe place where we all were willing to share just how imperfect our lives really were. When I was growing up if my parents ever heard me saying that I envied someone else's life, I was offered the well known refrain, "Remember, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence." I'm guessing you may have heard, too. I'm also sure I responded with the same eye roll that my kids gave me when I shared this advice with them. It wasn't until I was a young adult that I actually understood what that advice meant. Even then it didn't stop me from wishing some part of my life could be like someone else's. Heck, I find myself still doing that on occasion even today.

A few years ago I heard a new version of the "grass is greener" advice that I have found to be additionally helpful, "The grass is greener where we water it." The first time I heard that statement it brought me up short. It is such a masterful way of inviting us to redirect the wasteful energy of envy, to instead figuring out what we can do to water growth in our own lives.

Just the other day, for example, I heard someone share how disciplined they are about not working at home in the evening-not even checking their work email. I immediately found myself envious, wishing my life could be like that. Hmm...perhaps instead a more productive use of my energy would be taking some small steps, watering some small changes in my daily habits, with the intent of creating a better work/life balance.

Of course not all things we envy in others are realistically within reach or possible for us. Life isn't always fair and we all face certain hard realities that can't be changed, some more than others unfortunately. And no simple piece of wisdom applies all the time. I find that the wisdom of the "The grass is greener where you water it," to be quite applicable (but again not always so) in regard to relational and spiritual wellness. If we water our relationships they have a better chance of flourishing. If we dedicate time and energy to our spiritual lives they will also grow. In fact, in most areas of our lives, what we water grows.

Is there a relationship in your life that you wish was stronger or happier? How might you water that relationship?

Do you wish you were more spiritually grounded or centered? Again, what might you do today or this week to water your spiritual life?

Or is there some area of your life that is in need of tending?

Keep It Simple

In the last two days I have received four different emails inviting me to simplify my life. Each invitation addressed a different dimension of simplicity—eating more simply, decluttering my home, organizing my finances, and practicing mindfulness as the key to living simply. The timing of these emails tells me two things. First, it’s a new year and thus many people are reflecting on making changes in habits and daily routines, and some form of simplifying their life is no doubt on many people’s lists.  Second, simplicity programs and accompanying advice are proliferating in direct proportion to the number of people who are feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of their lives. When the student is ready, the teacher will arise.

At the risk of offering just one more piece of advice about keeping life simple, I share the straightforward wisdom contained in the quote box at the top of this column.  I invite you to try a simple exercise. Read the eight questions through slowly and as you do, see if there is one question that really speaks to you today. See if there one that, “has your name on it.”

If there is one that speaks to you, perhaps you could resolve to do the simple action that is connected with the question. With this all on my mind yesterday, I did this little exercise myself, and found that the last question was the one that spoke to me. Today I intentionally expressed my love to someone to whom I had not done so for a while, and it was a simple, beautiful experience for both of us.

    So what question speaks to you?

And how might you respond to that question in the days ahead?

Artisans of the Common Good

My columns for the last two weeks have focused on New Year's resolutions. I hadn't felt a need to write a third one on this topic until I read about a homily that Pope Francis gave on New Year's Eve. A compelling column by David Brooks of the The New York Times brought Pope Francis' homily to my attention and when you have a few minutes I highly recommend you click on this link to read it.

My favorite line from the homily was Francis' call to all of us to be, "artisans of the common good." Imagine what it would mean if in addition to any self-improvement resolutions we set, we each also resolved to be more intentional about our being artisans of the common good, people who give back to our local communities, so community members who live there could benefit in some way.

There is much to be anxious about in the world today. It is sometimes hard to know  what impact, if any, we can have on the larger issues of our day. Pope Francis reminds us that much of the day to day well-being of what does happen in our families, neighborhoods, and communities, is something we can impact. We can, in fact, take more seriously our role as co-creators of the common good in each of these places.

I recently observed a parent support group at a school with more than its share of challenges. I heard first hand from the parents, teachers, and administrators in attendance that their school is exceptional because of the level of involvement by parents and other adult volunteers who are making up for a shortage of staffing due to budget concerns. These parents and other volunteers are clearing acting as artisans of the common good.

I know a high school teacher who regularly recruits teens to commit a full day to collecting litter and clearing trails along in a local river park. I am also inspired by a member of my extended family who lives in the independent living section of a retirement community, and who spends time almost every day making visits to people with dementia and other difficulties in the skilled care section of her community. I know countless people who are active in their faith communities, people who regularly serve those in their surrounding community, as well as taking care of one another in times of need.

I know that I am not alone in worrying about some of the macro-concerns in our world. While I can, and must, do my part to address these larger issues, I also am resolving now to renew my commitment to addressing the micro-concerns I encounter daily, and to becoming more intentional about being an artisan of the common good in my corner of the world.