A Human Chain of Support

The above quote from psychiatrist Erik Erikson seems obvious. Life doesn’t make any sense—in fact is not even possible—without acknowledging our interdependence. It is too easy to forget this truth,  though, and so this week, when I came across a news story that so beautifully exemplified both our need for each other and our innate capacity to work together for the greater good, I couldn’t wait to share it with all of you. Roberta Ursrey, along with her two boys, ages 8 and 11, her mother, and other members of her family were enjoying a nice summer day at the beach in Panama City, Florida earlier this week. The two boys were in the water swimming when suddenly they found themselves swept away from shore by a strong riptide. The boys were suddenly unable to swim back to shore and began yelling for help. Their mother quickly swam out to try to help, but was soon overwhelmed by the current as well, and also found herself unable to get back to shore. Her mother, the boys’ grandmother, followed them into the water in an attempt to reach them, along with other family members, and eventually others who wanted to help. Soon there were nine people unable to get back to shore, all in need of rescuing and in danger of drowning. As each minute passed, the situation became more frightening.

Eventually a police officer arrived and called for a boat rescue, but there was grave concern that the boat would not arrive in time. It was at that moment that Jessica and Derek Simmons, both strong swimmers who had just arrived at the scene, came up with a rescue plan.  They knew that even though they were strong swimmers, there was no way they could save nine people by themselves, and so they gathered the crowd on the beach into a rescue team.  In a matter of minutes, eighty people worked together to form a human chain, one that reached out through the water far enough to reach the nine people at risk of drowning.

One by one the nine people were carefully passed along the human chain until all of them were brought safely to shore. The chain had been formed just in time. Roberta, the boys’ mother, had just started to black out when she was reached. She later reported that she was sure she was about to die moments before help arrived. Roberta’s sixty-seven year old mother experienced a heart attack as she was being brought to shore, and was rushed to the hospital. She is now recovering well. Surely without the quick thinking and cooperative efforts of the people on shore, lives would have been lost.

Metaphorically speaking, riptides and strong currents come in many forms, and at any moment, any of us can find ourselves in need of a human chain of support, or can find ourselves with the opportunity to be a part of such a chain. At such times. may we be inspired by what happened in Panama City this week, remembering our interdependence and true need for each other. Because, as Erik Erikson said, “the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”

     You can find many reports of this rescue story on line, along with captivating photos. I can’t share the photos in this column because they are copyrighted, but I encourage you to view them to get the full impact of this inspiring story.  Here is a link to one of the stories.

PDF: A Redefinition

In 1993 the PDF format for sharing documents was launched, complete with an eight page ad in the Wall Street Journal. PDF, as most probably know, stands for Portable Document Format and has become universally recognized as the most efficient way to share files across different devices and operating systems. I recently came across an article that creates a fun, but meaningful twist on the definition of PDF.  The article was written by Denise Pope, who is also the co-author (along with Maureen Brown) of the book Overloaded and Underprepared: Strategies for Stronger Schools and Healthy, Successful Kids. One of the recommends that Pope offers to help support the overall well-being of kids is summed up in the idea that kids need more PDF time in their lives. In this case, PDF stands for Playtime, Downtime, and Family/Friend time.

As our American culture places a high value on achievement, productivity, and success, it is easy to think of playtime, downtime, and family/friend time as things that are nice, but not necessary. What if, though, we were to think of this kind of PDF not in an "either/or," but in a "both/and mindset? Productivity and achievement are important AND so are playtime, downtime and family time. As with so many things in life, balance is the key.

Knowing how much my wellness suffers (along with the wellness of those around me) when I neglect my need for playtime, downtime, and friends and family time in my life, I realize that kids are not the only ones in need of adequate PDF. Like the lumberjack who never takes time to stop and sharpen their saw, I too, became dull and less productive when I get out balance. All work and no play will make Jack, or indeed any of us, dull indeed.

Summer is the perfect time to enhance our PDF, for kids and adults alike. And for those of you with kids in your lives, prioritizing PDF with your children now is a way to create memories and that benefit both you and your children.

PDF is more than just a universal way to share files. It turns out it is also a universal format both for wellness and a fun summer.

The Importance of Remembering Our Beginnings

In last week’s column I wrote about a book entitled Yes to the Mess: Surprising Leadership Lessons from Jazz by Frank Barrett. Many of you responded by talking about the current “messes” you are in the midst of in your lives, and how it was helpful to be reminded that saying, “Yes” to those messes is the first step to navigating your way through them. As we as a nation prepare to celebrate Independence Day this coming week, there is something else to remember that can help us navigate our way through the challenging “messes” we may be facing. There is no doubt that we as a nation are finding ourselves in the midst of some difficult challenges right now and, as when any group of people are facing a real challenge, we are often apt to find ourselves divided.  This Fourth of July provides us then with a wonderful chance for us to focus on what unites us a country, and to remember the ideals and vision that were the foundation of our origin as a nation.

I think the reason we love to remember and celebrate beginnings, such as the birth of our nation, is because when something is brand new it is full of ideals, and possibilities. This dream of what can be applies to the birth of a nation, as well as to the possibilities of a new job, a new relationship, the life of a new born child, the start of an organization, or any new chapter in our lives. When something is new there has not yet been enough time for any serious messiness or conflict to occur and anything seems possible

Whenever I work with a family or an organization that is struggling or in conflict, be it as a pastor or as a family therapist, I always start by asking them to go back to the ideals and vision that they held in common when they first started out. I ask them to remember and hold on to those. I remind them that it is easy for any of us to lose sight of our founding spirit and vision when we are in the midst of challenging times.

And so as a nation we pause each year to remember the founding ideals of our nation: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, along with the belief that all people are created equal and have the right to live free. Have we, along with our foremothers and forefathers, always lived up these ideals? Of course not. Through the years there has always been much that has divided us and there was then, and is now, much for which to repent. At the same time, there is also much that unites us and much to celebrate.

In both our national life and our personal lives, it is important to pause from time to time and remember and reclaim our core ideals and the vision for our lives, individually and collectively. Those founding ideals serve as a compass to guide us through the sometimes challenging and “messy middles” of our lives.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!

Yes to the Mess

In 1959 Miles Davis and a group of musicians recorded the album Kind of Blue, which turned out to be the best selling and one of the most influential jazz albums of all time.  The remarkable thing about this album is that the musicians had very little preparation time, not knowing what they would be playing until they walked into the studio to record. The original liner notes for the album said that the musicians were only given a few scales and melody lines on which they were to improvise. There were no rehearsals before hand. All of this was by design in order to create a truly spontaneous, improvised experience that would be co-created in the moment.  And the results of what happened in that studio in 1959 are captured in the words of musician Carlos Santana, “They went into the studio with minimal stuff, and came out with eternity.” While you have quite likely heard of Miles Davis, you probably don’t know the name Frank Barrett. Barrett is a very skilled jazz musician who also happens to be a professor of management and global public policy at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California.  A few years ago he wrote Yes to the Mess: Surprising Leadership Lessons from Jazz, a book that combines his passion for jazz, and teaching others about leadership. It just so happens that this week I am currently co-teaching a class on leadership at Bexley Seabury Seminary in Chicago and today we spent several hours discussing the implications of Yes to the Mess for leadership in today’s world. What we discussed applies not just to leading a business or a non-profit organization, but to all aspects of leading our lives, so please allow me to riff on a few of the key concepts from this book.

Creativity as Joint Performance: Leadership is relational and often the best ideas are co-created with input from multiple people. A leader’s job is to create an environment where people can take risks and improvise new ideas. As with jazz, soloing is important, but supporting others in their solos is equally important.

Embrace Errors as a Source of Learning: Errors come with taking risks. Every new endeavor is by definition outside of one’s current comfort zone and so errors are bound to occur. None of us would have learned how to drive, or acquired any other complex skill, if we were not allowed to make errors.

Unlearning is Sometimes as Important as Learning: If a jazz musician gets stuck in a certain way of playing every time they improvise, then it is no longer improvisation, but begins to sound rote. When a relationship between spouses, or parents and children, or friends becomes stuck in the same pattern over and over again, it may be necessary to unlearn that pattern in order to make room for a new pattern to emerge.  An attitude of, “But we have always done it this way,” will stunt creativity and growth every time.

Create Unstructured Time to Just “Hang Out.”  Musicians come up with some of their best ideas by just sitting around, hanging out, and trying out new riffs. This is why it is important for us not to schedule every minute of our lives or the lives of our children. Some of the best moments emerge and happen spontaneously, without any planning. An example of this is what we often remember most when we have gone on a vacation. Often the moments we remember most from a trip are not part of the carefully scheduled itinerary we followed, but from a spontaneous, unplanned experience or encounter that arose in the moment.

Say, “Yes to the Mess.” All of the other principles outlined above are dependent on first saying, “Yes” to whatever challenges we are facing in our personal and/or work live. An open and appreciative attitude to accepting “what it” is the first step in improvising new ways of dealing with it

In case you hadn’t noticed, life itself is messy! Most likely each of us has a little, or maybe a lot, of messiness in our lives right now. It’s our choice as to how we respond to this reality. We can complain about the messiness of life and pretend that if we just work hard enough we can eliminate it, or…. we can say, “Yes to the mess” and in the process invite others to join in with us as we discover new ways to make something beautiful out of it.

Is there a mess in your life right now that you are spending lots of energy complaining about? What would it look like to shift your attitude and starting saying, “Yes” to this mess?

Baseball Dadisms for Father's Day

It is time for my annual column where I share Dadisms, those wise, pithy bits of wisdom the dads, and other men in our lives, shared with us as we were growing up. Father’s Day is a time to remember and give thanks not just for our fathers, but for all the men who have made a positive difference in our lives, including grandfathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, clergy, friends, mentors, and brothers. This year I am focusing on Dadisms through the lens of baseball. Even if you are not a baseball fan, or did not play baseball or softball as a child, you will still find universal wisdom in these  sayings. So here, in no particular order, are the words of wisdom I regularly heard from my father and the other dads who volunteered to coach my Little League teams through the years.

   “Keep your eye on the ball.”  This piece of wisdom was shared in an attempt to make a player a better hitter. The wisdom here is all about the importance of being focused. In our work and personal lives, as with baseball, staying focused on what is most important is key.

   “Look the ball into your glove.”  This is a similar piece of wisdom, but related to being a good fielder. The lesson here is, again, the importance of focus and concentration. Errors are easily made if a fielder is looking to where they are going to throw the ball, rather than focusing on watching the ball land into the glove. The parallel to this in terms of family wellness is the gift we offer another person when we are truly present to them--when our conversation with them is all that matters to us at that moment. We follow their words carefully, just like we follow the ball into the glove, never taking our eyes off of them.  We need to avoid making the error of losing track of the ball in the important relationships of our lives, as well as on the field.

   “Shake it off.”  This is often said either after a tough loss, after making an error, or getting hit by a pitch. This is not only good advice, but it sends a positive, hopeful message. Things don't always go as planned. We all experience defeat and loss on and off the field.  These things don't have to define us though. When we are hurting--in life or in baseball-maintaining emotional and spiritual resiliency is the key to recovering and moving on.

   “Know what you are going to do with the ball before it's hit to you.”  This is great advice in baseball and in life.  Applied to baseball, it means know the situation--how many outs there are, what the score is, and how may runners are on base--before the ball is hit to you, so that there will be no hesitation as to what to do if the ball does come to you.   Applied to life, it means we need to know our responses to both positive opportunities and potential negative situations before they arise.  Parents can teach their children, particularly teens, to practice their responses and be prepared ahead of time for potential negative influences and temptations. This is obviously great advice for adults as well.

   “Wait for your pitch.” Patience is the key to making good decisions in all aspects of life, including being a good hitter. Knowing when not to swing at a pitch is as important as knowing when to swing. Take your time and weigh your options when you are going to make any big decision in life.

   “Know when and how to sacrifice.” In baseball, executing a good sacrifice involves advancing or scoring another player who is on base at the expense of giving yourself up for an out. This can be done by bunting or by hitting a deep fly ball to the outfield (or even hitting to the right side of the infield, if there is a runner on second). It may look easy, but being able to make  good sacrifices on a consistent basis takes years of practice, as many dads know and have done for us.

As you think of your father, or perhaps a grandfather, uncle, coach, teacher, or other important man in your life, you may come up with your own list of helpful words of wisdom. If you have any that are particularly meaningful to you, please share them here on our Living Compass Facebook page. I may very well  share them in next year’s Father’s Day column.

As Father's Day approaches, it's an ideal time to pause and  remember the men in our lives who knew the importance of watching the ball, planning ahead, bouncing back, being patient, and when and how to sacrifice.

     I would be remiss if I did not also acknowledge that I realize Father’s Day can be a difficult day for many people, especially for people who have lost their father recently, and for those who have had a painful relationship with their father. My heart goes out to those of you who are experiencing grief for any reason this Father’s Day.