What Will You Be Harvesting This Summer?

I talked with a friend today who is an avid vegetable gardener and his excitement was infectious. He shared the names of various seeds and plants he already has in the ground, and it was obvious how excited he was about the harvest of corn, tomatoes, arugula, and other assorted vegetables he would be enjoying later in the summer. My friend’s excitement got me thinking metaphorically about what it is I want to harvest this summer. The answer to that question will guide what it is I need to be planting right now. One thing I know I want to grow this summer is a little more work/life balance. So now I need to plant the seeds of spending more relaxed time with family and friends, taking long walks with my wife, spending more time riding my bike, setting aside time to play the piano, and also setting aside a few days for fishing. If I follow through and truly plant these seeds now, I will be able to enjoy a harvest of a renewed and refreshed spirit by the end of summer.

I also spoke with a group of parents this week and several of them were worried that they had over-scheduled themselves and their children for the summer, and were already anticipating being stressed by the amount of commitments everyone had made. They were beginning to wonder what they could let go of. They realized that based on the seeds that they had planted, they might very well be harvesting stress and exhaustion by the end of the summer, and they were not feeling good about that.

Summer is often a time when we can choose a slightly different rhythm, one that prioritizes down time and recreation. And so the most important question to ask ourselves when it comes to enjoying this summer is, “What activities (or non-activities) are truly re-creative for each of us?”  We, of course, will each have a different answer to that question. If filling up your summer with lots of scheduled activities is truly re-creative, than that is what you will want to do. If setting aside a few days so you can meet friends for coffee, or a walk in the park, or to work in your garden than make sure you schedule time for those things this summer.

Decide what is truly re-creative for you and then plant the seeds now to make sure those activities happen. Later you will be grateful that you took the time now to plant those seeds, as by the end of summer you will have a better chance of reaping a harvest of a renewed and re-created you.

The Meaning of Happiness

The discipline of psychology has experienced a significant development over the last twenty years with the emergence of what is known as the study and practice of positive psychology. Psychology has traditionally focused on the study of the causes and cures for mental illness and much suffering has been relieved by what has been learned over the years.  But about twenty years ago, some psychologists began to wonder about the benefits might come from not just studying what makes people ill, but what makes people well. Thus began the field of positive psychology. The initial focus for this new field was on what makes people happy.  If traditional psychology focused on what makes people sad or anxious, positive psychology chose to study what makes people happy. I recently read, for example, that just a few years ago there were over 10,000 articles published on happiness. It’s probably not a coincidence that about the same time, Pharrell Williams runaway hit song, “Happy” was released.

There has been a recent shift in the field of positive psychology that I find fascinating as a psychotherapist and person of faith. The research is now showing that pursuing happiness in of itself is not always making people happy. As philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote in his autobiography from the mid-nineteenth century, “Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.” It turns out that the research is now showing that the key to people experience a sense of well-being is not to focus on a life of happiness, but rather on a life of meaning. The recent publication of the book The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters by Emily Esfahani Smith, a noted leader in the field of positive psychology makes this very point. (I have not read the book, but have heard good things about it.)

As a person who has long focused on the intersection of spirituality, psychology, and well-being, I love it when research confirms what the great spiritual traditions have taught for thousands of years. It turns out that a life grounded in meaning and in the service of ideals beyond one’s self is not just good for the soul, but good one’s overall happiness and well-being.

So next time you or I find ourselves wanting a little more happiness in our lives, we would be wise to remember that the surest way to find it is not by pursuing it directly, but by reconnecting in a deeper way with what truly gives us meaning and purpose in life.

The Importance of Remembering

As Memorial Day approaches this year, I find myself thinking alot about the importance of remembering. I am especially remembering my dad who passed away six years ago, as he was one of the fortunate few to have survived the invasion of Utah Beach on D-Day. Many of his friends died by his side that day and I know he always painfully remembered both their friendship and their bravery on subsequent Memorial Days. He always said it was very important to remember those friends, and what they gave of themselves. I have also been thinking about both the importance and the power of remembering as I recently reconnected with a friend that I hadn’t seen or spoken with for many years. The conversation was electric as we discussed over coffee stories experiences that we had shared, ones that are unique to our friendship, and therefore could only be shared and remembered by the two of us. The more we talked, the more we remembered, and before we knew it two hours had passed, and yet it felt like we had just sat down.

Such is the power of remembering. Such is the power of having someone else remember something about us and about our shared history. We are all, I’m sure, warmed by the experience of someone saying to us, “I have this wonderful memory of you, of the time when you………” To be remembered is to feel honored and cared for.

Memory is the foundation of culture and identity, and our enhanced capacity for memory is what separates us from all other living creatures. Identity is rooted in knowing and remembering our origin and history, whether it be that of an individual, a family, an institution, a country, or even a religion.  And identity and meaning are strengthened when we gather and share our stories.

This connection between memory, identity, and meaning is the reason we as a nation will once again celebrate Memorial Day this Monday. On Memorial Day we remember and honor those who have given their lives in service to our country, and we honor the fact that our collective identity today is rooted in their sacrifice. As Nobel Laureate and Holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel, said, “Without memory, there is no culture. Without memory, there would be no civilization, no society, no future.”

While I affirm the wisdom of “living in the present moment” and not getting “stuck in the past,” I also know that we can become “stuck in the present’ when we fail to remember how much our present, our identity and our culture are all shaped by our history. Memorial Day weekend provides us with the perfect chance to balance both the present and the past. As we both gather for fun with friends and family, let’s also make time to remember and give thanks for those who have gone before us, shaping our lives today.

Liminal Space

This is the time of year when it is common for me to get phone calls from parents of graduating high school seniors.  While the details are different with each of these calls, there is one common theme to them all. The parents want to know why when graduation should be such a happy occasion, they are seeing such high levels of stress in their high school senior. "One moment my son/daughter is on top of the world, and the next they are in the depths of worry and despair. Are these mood swings normal?" I explain that what their son or daughter is experiencing is indeed normal and to be expected, and that the reason it is so is because their son or daughter is currently in a liminal space. The word liminal comes from the Latin word limens which means "limit or threshold." Author and theologian Richard Rohr defines the liminal space that is experienced when we go through a significant transition this way, "It is when you have left, or are about to leave, the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else.  It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run...anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing." Ancient cultures referred to liminal space as a "crazy time," which seems to be exactly what the parents I spoke to on the phone this week were witnessing.

All cultures have rite of passage ceremonies to mark liminal transitions. For example, in addition to graduations, there are rites of passages throughout our lives for weddings, funerals, quinceañeras, and baby naming or baptism ceremonies. Liminal transitions also occur in many other ways that are not always marked by official ceremonies. Starting or leaving a job, moving, retirement, beginning or ending a relationship, or a significant change in one's health are all examples of liminal transitions.

There are two essential factors all people need when they find themselves in a liminal space: spirituality and community. These two factors will provide direction and support in the midst of this vulnerable, "crazy" time. Spirituality is what defines "true north" for us all the time, but especially in times of transition. It is what defines and grounds our core values and beliefs, and may or may not be connected to a religious faith. Community is our network of friends and family, the people we can turn to when we need support.

This is why all rites of passage ceremonies, including graduations, involve both a time for reflection and inspiration (spirituality) and a way for the community  to jointly celebrate the important life transition that is being marked. The community gathers to both celebrate and support and show commitment to the person who is crossing the important threshold, as they move from some kind of previous "normal" to a  new and yet undefined "normal." So if you receive an invitation to a graduation party this year  know that it is actually a gathering to acknowledge a young person's passage through a liminal space, and you now know the importance of showing up and offering your encouragement and support.

We are all wise to remember the words that are written in the photograph above, no matter what type of transition we, or someone we love, are going through,  "Honor the space between no longer and not yet."

Momisms 2017

Last week I asked readers of this column to share their favorite words of wellness that they received from their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women. Readers responded from all around the world (including responses from as far away as China and England). I thank you for the overwhelming number of responses, as now we can all enjoy them. Several of you said you didn’t have a particular Momism to share, but wrote about how your mother or grandmother dealt with challenges in their lives. You explained how the way they lived taught you so much about character, and how they taught these lessons through their actions, as much as through their words. I was truly moved by your many stories.

Some of you wrote about your grief as you miss your mothers and grandmothers this time of year. Mother’s Day can be a hard day for many people, for different reasons, and so my heart goes out to any of you who are grieving this Mother’s Day.

As we pause to remember and give thanks this weekend for mothers, and all the other wise women we have been blessed to know, here are the Momisms you shared. Enjoy! If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you follow?

You have to be a friend to have a friend.

The answer is maybe, and that's final!

I respect your right to be wrong.

The answer is maybe, and that's final!

Kill ‘em with kindness.

Moms have eyes in the back of our heads.

Be careful who you date because you can fall in love with anybody.

Never leave the house without saying, “I love you.”

You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.

Self praise stinks.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can never fool yourself.

Money doesn’t make you happy, it just allows you to be unhappy in comfort.

Don’t expect more from others than you are willing to give of yourself.

Never look down.

Never look back.

Be an interesting person.

Be thankful you can pay your bills.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I’ve got more time than money.

Remember whose you are.

Upward, ever upward, striving ever for the better things in life.

Dignity, dignity.

Don’t live to eat; eat to live.

It’s that crazy weather (as an explanation when things were going as planned).

Don’t save two trips by carrying everything in one.

Doing it right the first time saves doing it a second time.

Life goes on.

If you don’t do it, someone else will have to.

To each his own.

Go out with anyone who asks you for a date…even nerds have friends.

Always use good judgment, but never be judgmental.

Always cross the room.

To thine own self be true.

If you could just walk in the other person’s moccasins……

Gotta do what you can when you can, cuz we can’t always do what we should when we should.

If you don't feel happy, at least act cheerful and soon you will feel better.

It's not what happens to you that matters, but how you handle it.

Nothing in life comes easy; you have to work hard for everything you get.

Never say never.

Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.

Do your best, and then let it go and leave the results to God.

Encomiéndate a Dios (Put yourself in God’s hands/Commit yourself to God).