Aging Well

     In 1961 Patsy Cline recorded and released a song called, "Crazy," one of the most iconic country songs of all time. The writer of that song was a twenty-eight year old singer-songwriter who was relatively unknown at the time. His name was Willie Nelson, and the popularity of "Crazy" turned out to be just the beginning of a legendary musical career. Now, fifty-six years later, at the age of eighty-four, Willie is still writing and recording music. This past week he released a new album entitled, “God’s Problem Child,” his first album of all original material in several years. Aging has sharpened his focus, and so on this album he writes about this issues everyone faces as they grow older —mortality, forgiveness, vulnerability, and spirituality.

Let’s not take my word on all of this, let’s take Willie’s instead. In one of the more moving songs on this album,“I Made a Mistake,” he writes about needing forgiveness:

I made a mistake Lord, I thought I was wrong

I made a mistake Lord, And it’s all on me

I wouldn’t admit it, But it’s easy to see

So if anyone’s praying, A request I would make

Is to mention my name, ‘cause I made a mistake

One of the hardest parts of growing older is the inevitable loss of loved ones and close friends. Willie’s dear friend and fellow country outlaw singer Merle Haggard died last year and Willie writes of his grief with words that any of us who have lost a dear friend can relate to:

Got the news this morning, and it would be a tough day

Someone’s so much larger than life, I can't believe he could pass away

When it comes to country music he’s the world

And it wouldn't be all it is without his word

And he won’t ever be gone, his songs live on

There is a beautiful video of Willie singing this song, you can find Here

All of the themes of this album are summed up in the title track, “God's Problem Child,”

I did the best I could do, but the best I could tell

The higher I flew, the farther I fell

Born in the mud, raised in the wild

Washed in the blood, God's problem child

I feel the shine, following me

Nor far behind, that’s where I wanna be

A little out of time, fine by me

Darkness may fall, we still got a light

Keeping us all, safe through the night

Heaven must love, God's problem child

As you can see, this is a serious album. If you know Willie, though, you know he likes to have fun, and so this record contains some wonderful moments of humor, too. For example, in the song, “Still Not Dead” he addresses the numerous internet rumors that have circulated in recent years supposedly reporting his death:

I woke up still not dead today

The news said I was gone to my dismay

Don’t bury me, I’ve got a show to play

And I woke up still not dead today

You and I may not be famous singer-songwriters, but for all of us, aging well will mean at some point being able to address the themes of mortality, forgiveness, vulnerability, and spirituality in our lives. I am grateful for Willie Nelson for giving us an example of how it can be done, albeit with a touch of humor and grace mixed in for good measure.

A Sign for Our Times

Baseball season is just beginning here in the northern part of the country, and this week one of our local Wisconsin Little Leagues found itself receiving national attention.  A few years ago the Glendale Little League had several signs printed and hung on the fences of the ball fields where their teams play.  The sign, pictured above, and featured in a story on the Today Show this past week, offers parents and other fans five simple reminders: 1. These are KIDS.

2. This is a GAME.

3. Coaches are VOLUNTEERS.

4. Umpires are HUMAN.

5. Your child is NOT being scouted by the Brewers today.

The sign is a humorous way of addressing a problem that is anything but humorous. When parents and other fans yell at kids, coaches, and umpires during a Little League game, it can ruin the experience for everyone. Ask any youth sport leader what one of their greatest challenges is, and they will tell you that it is finding enough people—youth or adults—who are willing to serve as umpires, officials, and referees. The turnover rate in these roles is high because of the verbal attacks that come from parents, and sometimes coaches and players.

We have a class on emotional wellness as part of our Living Compass Wellness Initiative and one of the teachings in the curriculum is intended to help people realize the important difference between the following two sequences:

Feel———Speak———Think

Feel———Think———Speak

The Glendale Little League is clearly advocating for the second sequence, as it invites parents to keep things in perspective and think before they speak. They are encouraging them to pause and think about the five reminders listed on the signs they have posted. A quote from John Diedrich, the President of the Glendale Little League, summarizes this well: “Think before you speak or shout at the field, and sit back and enjoy this time because it goes by quickly and it's a real gift.”

This column is titled, “A Sign for our Times” because the problem of unhealthy emotional reactivity is not something just found at Little League baseball fields. It is all around us. It is like a virus and if we are not careful, we can easily become infected. In my work as a family therapist I regularly show people the two sequences above, and they almost always then recognize that they have been following the first sequence much more than the second, and that this is hurting their relationships.

Throwing out a rude comment and going for the “perfect put down” may unfortunately feel good in the moment, but such behavior always comes at the expense of someone else, whether it be an umpire, coach, player, spouse, friend, colleague, or child. Umpires are not the only ones who are human, make occasional mistakes, get hurt when they are treated rudely, and may feel like quitting.  This can happen to any person who is treated disrespectfully.

I am grateful for the Glendale Little League for posting its five reminders about the importance of treating others with basic respect. And I suspect that the reason their sign received national attention is because the spirit of the these five statements applies to how we treat one another not just at Little League games, but in all aspects of our lives.

Talking it Out or Acting it Out

When it comes to expressing our emotions we really have two choices. We can talk them out or we can act them out. This week the world received a powerful reminder of this truth from a very unexpected source--Prince Harry of Wales. In a stunningly honest twenty-five minute interview for a new podcast show in England, Harry talked openly of how impaired he had become due to the unresolved grief that he had been carrying around since his mother's (Princess Diana) death when he was twelve. You can listen to the interview at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/16/prince-harry-sought-counselling-death-mother-led-two-years-total/. I highly recommend listening, but if you are short on time, you will find some quotes from the interview at the end of this column to give you a sample of what he shared. Harry, now 32 years old, acknowledges in the interview that he recently went through a two year period where his life was, in his words, "total chaos." One of the signs of the emotional chaos he was feeling was that he was becoming more and more angry and feeling like he wanted to "punch someone." Anger is a very common way for unresolved grief to manifest itself, especially in men. With the support of his brother William, Harry went to a therapist to talk about his grief and learned that the chaos that he had been feeling was rooted in the internal chaos of the grief he had been trying to avoid talking about for so many years.

talk-it-out-meme

Harry's thinking typifies what many of us believe, that talking about our emotions, be they grief, anxiety, sadness, or anger will only draw more attention to them and make the feelings stonger, which will in turn make us feel worse. There are may ways we can justify to ourselves that being vulnerable and talking about our emotions is not a good thing. The truth is just the opposite. Acknowledging our vulnerabiity and talking it through with others is what brings healing and allows us to eventuallyy resolve the feelings that we have been carrying around, making it possible to move on to a healthier and happier life. What is true for individuals is also ture in relationships. When conflictual feelings arise between two people, if they choose not to talk those feelings out, they will soon find that they are acting them out. This acting things out can manifest itself in distancing, avoiding, or growing irritable with each other. However, when two people who are experiencing conflict in their relationsip risk being vulnerable and talking things out, it is not unusual for them to experience healing and a renewed connection between one another. Choosing to avoid talking about hard things, it turns out, distances us not only from ourselves, but from others, too.

I am so grateful for Prince Harry's willingness to be vulenrable and for sharing his story with the world. I am also grateful for the commitment he and has family have made to a mental health campaign entitled Heads Together. May their willingness to talk openly about mental and emotional wellness remind us of the importance of talking things out no matter what the problem.

Below are some excerpts from Prince Harry's interview, the full version of which can again be found at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/16/prince-harry-sought-counselling-death-mother-led-two-years-total/.

These statements will help us all see that feeling any kind of grief is normal, and that the need to talk it out is universal.

"I just couldn't put my finger on it, I just didn't know what was wrong with me."

"I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on, not only my personal life, but my work as well."

"I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sorts of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle."

"The experience I have had is that once you start talking about it, you realise that actually you're part of quite a big club."

"And then I started to have a few conversations and actually all of a sudden, all of this grief that I have never processed started to come to the forefront and I was like, there is actually a lot of stuff here that I need to deal with."

talk-it-out-meme

"I know there is huge merit in talking about your issues and the only thing about keeping it quiet is that it's only ever going to make it worse."

Practice Resurrection

It is possible to believe strongly in something, and yet at the same time not practice it. Take yoga for example. I believe wholeheartedly in the benefits of yoga, and I applaud my numerous friends who practice it on a regular basis. I myself do not practice yoga, though. The same is true for gardening and quilting. I don't practice either of these wonderful activities myself, but I certainly believe in their importance. And I happen to benefit greatly from having friends and family members who are master gardeners and master quilters. So it really is possible to believe in something and support it is a bystander without ever practicing it oneself. I think Easter is like that, too. So as Christians around the world prepare to celebrate Easter this Sunday, the question I find to be most helpful for myself is not just "Do I believe in resurrection?" but "Am I practicing resurrection?" I can say without a doubt that for as long as I can remember I have never wavered from believing in resurrection, however, being honest, I have to acknowledge that my practicing resurrection has been as consistent as I would like over the years.

What does it mean to practice resurrection? The meaning of Easter, I believe, is that while betrayal, suffering, and death are all too real in the world they are not the final word. Resurrection is the final word. In the midst of human betrayal, suffering, and death God finds a way to bring forth, to resurrect new life. In the end, love wins. Resurrection shares the same root as the word resurgent, both pointing to life surging and remerging where previously there had been no life. So when I think further about what it means to practice resurrection, I think of doing those things that help bring life to where there has been betrayal, suffering, and death, so that healing and vitality can once again resurge. More specifically, I think any of us practice resurrection whenever we do the following: forgive, love, and serve others. There are clearly additional things we can do to practice resurrection, but these three are primary.

When we are estranged or in conflict with someone who has hurt us or whom we have hurt, life has a difficult time flowing between ourselves and the other person. When we find a way to let go of our hurt and forgive or ask for forgiveness, it is amazing how quickly new life can resurge, both in the relationship with the other person and within ourselves.

One of the most central beliefs of Christianity, as well as with most other religions, is the teaching to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves." And the love we are taught and encouraged to practice is not a simplistic love that comes easily, but the more challenging kind of love where we love both our enemies and those with whom we find little common ground. Practicing this kind of fierce love is a second way in which we can bring a resurgence of new life into the world.

A third way we can practice resurrection is through service to others. Regarding service, Mother Teresa said, "The simple path: silence is prayer, prayers is faith, faith is love, love is service, and the fruit of service is peace." When peace is restored it is a sign of resurrection, and so we could say that the fruit of service is also resurrection. We don't have to be Mother Teresa in order to be generous in giving of ourselves to others. We all havre the capacity to give something to serve the greater good, whether it is our time, our money, our attention, or our love.

We do not need more reminders of the reality of betrayal, suffering, and death in our world today. What we do need is more reminders of the reality and continued possibility of resurrection in our world. And so, as we who are Christians pause to affirm our Easter faith again this year, let us also recommit to practicing our faith in new life, by helping to bring forth forgiveness, love, and service in a world that is longing for signs of resurrection.

T.H.I.N.K. Before You Speak

It’s the little things in life that make me happy, and one of those little things, believe it or not, is a memorable acronym. A good acronym contains an inspiring message and does so in a format that is easy to remember. Case in point is the acronym T.H.I.N.K.  Originally created as a communication guideline for online social media behavior, the five questions asked within this acronym are, in my opinion, a helpful guide for all forms of communication, in all aspects of our lives. T is for the question, “Is it True?” The first test for anything we may wish to communicate is whether we know for certain that what we are about to say is true.  If we are not 100% certain that something is accurate or true then we shouldn’t be saying it, and therefore we don’t even need to put our communication through the filter of the next four questions.

H is for the question, “Is it Helpful?” This question asks us to reflect on our intention for what we are communicating. Will it move the conversation along in a way that is productive? Just because saying something sarcastic, for instance, might make us feel superior for a moment, it will most likely not be helpful to the relationship.

I is for the question, “Is it Inspiring?” Since communication involves a relationship, this question asks if what we have to say will enhance and build up our relationship with the person with whom we are communicating. “Speak only if it improves upon the silence,” a quote from Mahatma Gandhi comes to mind in this context

N is for the question, “Is it Necessary?” Is it necessary to point out every small mistake someone makes? Is it necessary to “pile on” criticism toward someone when they are already feeling bad? Is it necessary to be sure you get the credit for a good idea? Will what you are about to say enhance the current conversation? If not, don’t say it.

K is for the question, “Is it Kind?” The world can be a very unkind place, filled with words that are intended to bully and hurt others. We all benefit when we look for opportunities to speak and express kindness to each other.

All of this does not mean that we should avoid difficult conversations. It simply means that before we begin a potentially challenging conversation we pause and think about our true intentions, and then work to communicate in ways that are intended to expand and enrich our relationship with the other.  It is wise to remember that all of our conversations, big or little, impact our relationships, for better or for worse.

I invite you to make an intentional effort to keep the T.H.I.N.K. acronym in mind as you communicate with others over the next few days. See if it makes a difference, not just in what you say, but also in howyou say it. If you find that what you want to say does not pass the filter test of the five questions above, you might want to think twice before you say it, for the sake of your relationships.