Playing Our Whole Lives Long

This past Sunday I had the chance to co-lead a worship service with a 93 year old friend of mine by the name of Jack Prince. Jack, a World War II veteran, is an amazing pianist and organist and a true inspiration in my life. Apparently I am not alone in admiring this man's love of life and music as our local Milwaukee ABC television station aired a piece highlighting Jack this week, which in turn was picked up and broadcast by ABC nationally!  I highly recommend you take a few minutes to watch the video at http://abcnews.go.com/US/93-year-wwii-veteran-prepares-upcoming-birthday-piano/story?id=46465840. In this video you will not only see Jack's love of playing the piano, but also his love of continuing to be being a life-long learner, as he continues to take regular lessons even though he has played piano his entire life. As we prepare to celebrate April Fool's Day, it is a good time for all of us to pay extra attention to the importance of play and how it contributes to our everyday wellness, no matter what our age. My friend, Jack Prince, can help us with this as he is who I think of when I reflect on the quote from George Bernard Shaw that says, "We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing."

Research has long shown the importance of play in a child's overall development and well-being, and now it is showing that the same is true for adults throughout the life cycle. The study of the role of play in adult wellness is given full attention by the American Journal of Play (http://www.journalofplay.org) , a scholarly journal that explores the importance of play in both our work places and in our personal lives. Silicon Valley start-ups are now not the only companies that are equipping their break rooms with ping pong or foosball tables, as today more and more companies recognize the positive connection between play, creativity, and team building and are building those kinds of opportunities into their places of work.

One of the articles I read recently on the American Journal of Play website talked about how our American culture has diminished the restorative value of play, by too often turning play into a competition. I love competition as much as anyone, but I have found that I need a reminder now and then to make time for pure play, play that is simply fun for its own sake.

When we offer our Living Compass trainings in Chicago we always include a night of improv comedy (Chicago is, after all,  the home of improv comedy).  We invite a team of improv players in and they play an assortment of improvisational games for us to see and then invite those who wish to join in to try it for themselves. People almost always join in because they find the laughter infectious and the permission to simply play for an hour to be a true gift.  Our improvisational play together is spontaneous and pure fun, involves no competition or electronic devices, and is totally created out of our own imaginations.  Many people report that this evening of laughter is the best thing they have experienced in a long time.

Rest and Play is one of the eight dimensions of wellness we talk about in our Living Compass materials because we know that play is essential to our overall wellness.  I know for myself that one of the first signs that I am out of balance is that I lose my sense of humor and notice myself  taking everything far too seriously. On the other hand, when I am more in balance, I laugh more and am much more able to be flexible and accepting of myself and others.

As we celebrate April Fool's Day it is a good chance of all of us to pause and reflect on whether we are making enough time for laughter and play in our lives.  And if for a moment you think that you are too old make time for play in your life, or to keep learning, take a few minutes to watch the video of my friend Jack Prince that I mentioned at the top of this column. How can any of us not be inspired by Jack's example!

Happy April Fool's Day, and remember, the jokes on us if we don't make enough time for some time to play in our lives!

Knowing When to Call a Time Out

I received more than my fair share of time outs when I was a kid. I had a hard time sitting still in school and felt bored much of the time. As a result, I was often given a time out and  had to endure the excruciating experience of sitting in the hall with nothing to do. In high school, when I got a time out it meant I had to silent study hall during my lunch hour.   This was clearly a example of cruel and unusual punishment-although I do remember getting a lot of work done in those silent study halls. I’m guessing many of us may have a negative association to time outs as most of us have at some point been asked to sit on a step, or on our bed to think about our being mean to a sibling, being disrespectful, or breaking a rule. We may also remember being grounded as a teenager, which is really just a prolonged time out. It’s too bad that our associations to time outs are negative, as the ability to know when to call a time out in our day, week, or month can be a crucial ingredient to our wellness.

The March Madness of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is in full swing right now and provides the perfect opportunity for us to rethink how we view the role of a time out. In every game there will be at least one stretch of time when a team is starting to lose control. Shots that were going in easily earlier are now missing the mark, passes are not connecting, and mistakes are escalating along with the players stress and anxiety. It is precisely at such a moment that the team’s coach will call a time out.

The purpose of such a time out is positive and proactive. It is a time to help the players take a deep breath and reset their game plan, often with some valuable perspective and input from the coach. There is nothing punitive about the time out, and in fact the players are grateful for the chance to regroup. It is fascinating to see what a positive difference in performance a time out can make for a team.

A positive use of time outs is not just good for basketball players.  Overwhelmed parents have long known about the importance of counting to ten and thereby creating a time out for themselves when they are feeling emotionally flooded. The “power of the pause” is good for any of us when we find ourselves “missing too many of our easy shots” or when seeing our mistakes and anxiety escalating.

I understand that schools are no longer using timeouts the way they used to when I was a child. They are now instead teaching children the value of taking timeouts proactively, much like sports teams do. They are teaching children how to pause and practice mindfulness and that a positive time out can be helpful no matter what the age.

Every basketball team has a limited number of time outs that it can use each game. The rest of us, however, have an unlimited supply and can use them whenever needed, knowing that  a time out, at just the right moment, can enhance our performance and get us back in the flow with renewed focus and energy.

It is in the Shelter of Each Other that the People Live

If you are like me, you sometimes take for granted that you are fortunate to have a shelter—a home, apartment, or some kind of physical dwelling—a place where you get to live and sleep on a daily basis. I’m not always as appreciative as I should be about the fact that I have always been blessed to have such a shelter in my life. I am aware that I often take for granted another kind of shelter that I live in, and that is the shelter that the love of friends and family provides for me each day. It is this kind of shelter to which the beautiful Irish proverb that appears above is referring: “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.” There are many ways we can provide the kind of shelter for one another that this proverb describes.  As I wrote last week, one way we can provide shelter is to truly listen to one another.  We can also offer any or all of the following: compassion, love, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude—all of which are forms of shelter.

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     In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I want to highlight a wonderful Irish tradition, that of offering blessings and well wishes to one another.  In this way the Irish, and the rest of us who can learn from them, can provide emotional and spiritual shelter to our friends, neighbors, and families.   Even if you are not Irish yourself, you likely are already familiar with these wonderful sentiments offered to others.  Google “Irish Blessings” and you will a long list.

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One way I know about the shelter a blessing can be for any of us is the many times I have heard stories, from clients and parishioners alike, about the pain they have endured when the blessing from a loved one was withheld.  I have heard stories of great sadness when a person shared how a significant person in their life—a parent, grandparent, boss, close friend—did not bless the person they were or an important decision they had made.  “It has always been painful for me that I never received my _______’s blessing” is almost always said through tear-filled eyes.

I have also heard stories of how much it has meant to people to receive the blessing of a significant person in their lives.  Their eyes sparkle with joy and their faces light up as they share their story of feeling blessed. To be blessed by someone is to experience the shelter of their unconditional love and positive regard.

There are indeed many ways to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.  This year, I invite you to join me in celebrating this holiday by remembering to be a blessing to others and to continuously offer blessings to your friends, families, and neighbors.

I close with a beautiful Irish blessing, one that reminds us of the many kinds of shelter we can, in fact, offer to one another.

May you always have…

Walls for the winds

A roof for the rain

Tea beside the fire

Laughter to cheer you

Those you love near yo

And all your heart might desire.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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Every Good Conversation Starts With Good Listening

Imagine you are in a room full of people trying to have a conversation with someone. Thirty seconds into the conversation you realize the person is not really listening to what you are saying. Instead, they are actually starting to look over your shoulder to see if there are others they might want to connect with in the room. You keep trying to connect, hoping to engage in an exchange of thoughts or experiences, but the other person soon finds the next person they want to talk with and offers you a superficial, "It was good to talk with you," and moves on. If you are like me, you have had the experience of this kind of "pseudo conversation" more times then you care to remember. And again, if you are like me, you have also been the person looking around the room and pretending to be listening, more times than you care to admit.

One of the reasons I believe that deep, authentic listening is rare is because it is challenging to actually do. It takes time, discipline, intention, and effort to be fully present to another person when they are speaking to us.  We have to truly focus our attention so that we are not distracted by what is going on around us. We have to quiet ourselves internally, so that we are not distracted by our own thoughts and concerns. We have to listen in order to truly understand, instead of simply listening in order to respond. We have to avoid the temptation to steer the conversation back to our lives and our concerns. And we have to offer the other the gift of our time.

Every good conversation starts with good listening. I have written before about how the word conversation and the word conversion share the same etymological root. The reason for this is because to listen deeply and enter into authentic conversation with another person creates the possibility that we may be changed. Perhaps another reason we often avoid truly listening to one another, in addition to the intention, time, and effort it takes, is that there is a certain kind of vulnerability in truly listening. When we truly listen to another person our perspective may be changed, and, we may create a deeper intimacy with the person to whom we are listening. Being that vulnerable can be scary.

Please don't take my word regarding what I have written here, try it  yourself. Over the next day or two I invite us all to make the effort to truly listen to the people with whom we interact. Practice the discipline, and intention it takes to listen deeply to another person. As you listen to them listen to truly understand what they are saying, experiencing, feeling, and thinking, and not simply to respond. Look the person in the eye and listen to the feeling and meaning behind their words. Ask clarifying questions that let the person know you really want to hear more about what they are saying. Be still within yourself and be fully present to what they are saying to you.

Try this several times and see what happens. See if you feel more connected with the people with whom you tried this.  Did anything change in your perspective on what you were hearing or how you understand that person?

Feel free to drop me a line and let me know how this experiment went. I love to hear stories of how good listening enriches relationships. And I promise... I will give my full attention to what you send me, and not be looking around at other emails while reading yours!

A New Kind of Fast

    Christians across the globe began the season of Lent this past Wednesday. Traditionally Lent has been marked as being a time to give something up.  There is a long tradition of fasting as a Lenten discipline which is where the idea of giving something up comes from.  When a person takes on the practice of fasting it is not to experience pain, but rather to practice the discipline of delaying gratification, which is an essential factor in all dimensions of wellness.  Fasting also helps to heighten  the awareness of the nature of one’s true hunger, helping to clarify our need or hunger for spiritual, emotional, and relational wellness. I love to study words, and so I find the word fast intriguing. Being that he word fast is a verb, adjective, and noun, it clearly has several meanings, including “to move quickly” and “to be firmly fixed.” To combine these two uses as they relate to the season of Lent, we could say that in the midst of our fast moving lives, Lent is a time to remember and reconnect with that to which we hold fast, that which grounds and firmly fixes our lives.

The word fast has also acquired another meaning, practices that individuals keep during Lent.  Fasting from food or drink, or certain kinds of food or drink, is a spiritual practice common to most religious traditions, for example. Recently though, many people have been trying a new kind of fasting for Lent. Pope Francis recommends these  new ways:

• Fast from hurting words and say kinds words.
• Fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude.
• Fast from anger and be filled with patience.
• Fast from pessimism and be filled with hope.
• Fast from worries and have trust in God.
• Fast from complaints and contemplate simplicity.
• Fast from pressures and be prayerful.
• Fast from bitterness and fill your hearts with joy.
• Fast from selfishness and be compassionate to others.
• Fast from grudges and be reconciled
• Fast from words and be silent so you can listen.

Fasting from certain foods or drink may impact our physical wellbeing, but by following this list from Pope Francis we will enhance our spiritual, emotional, and relational wellness as well.

Lent is a perfect time to slow down our fast lives and become more intentional about holding fast to the habits, beliefs, and practices that ground and secure our lives.