When Trying to Fix the Problem, Becomes the Problem

I cringed this week when I heard and read the story of some tourists in Yellowstone National Park who recently tried to help a baby bison. I cringed because the person on the radio who was telling the story had an ominous tone to his voice and so I was pretty sure I knew how the story was going to end. I also cringed because I saw a younger version of myself in what the tourists were trying to do.

     You see, I am a recovering fixer. I have been in recovery from trying to fix others, with varying degrees of success, for over twenty years. It has not been easy, but my life is much better as a result. And I can say with certainly that the lives of the people around me are also much better off since I gave up trying to fix them.

     I became a therapist and a minister in my mid-twenties, an age characterized by strong idealism. I definitely had the idea back then that if I worked hard enough and if I simply gave the right advice, I could solve others' problems for them. The desire to fix others is, I imagine, a common desire in people who go into helping professions. Only as I became a little more mature and experienced did I realize the arrogance of such a mindset. Luckily, I also had a very wise supervisor who said to me just at the time when I was able to hear it, "I'm not sure that your attempts to inflict help on others is what they are wanting from you." This made me stop and reconsider  how my attempts to be helpful were actually being experienced by those I was trying to help.

     My wife was the other person who helped me long ago to see that my need to fix others could be seen as inflicting help. It turned out that what my wife, along with most everyone else I was trying to help, truly needed when facing a difficult situation was simply a supportive and listening presence. When we a listening, supportive approach, it supports the other person in discovering their own solutions to their problems, their own path forward.

     Back to the story of the tourists who thought they were being helpful to the baby bison in Yellowstone. The tourists, thinking the animal needed help, decided they knew best how to fix the problem. They picked the baby bison up, put it in the back of their SUV and drove it to a nearby ranger station. Rather than being greeted with gratitude by the ranger, they were promptly greeted with a ticket for interfering with wildlife in the park, and were warned that the baby bison would probably now be rejected by its mother and its herd because it been handled by humans. Sadly, that is in fact what turned out to be true. When the rangers tried to reintroduce the bison into its natural habitat the mother and herd rejected it. Then, sadly, the bison began approaching other people in cars to try to get help. This created a danger and eventually it was decided that the baby bison needed to be euthanized--a sad ending to what was initially a well-intended gesture by some people who were trying to help.

   I am sure the two tourists in Yellowstone had the best of motives and I am sure they are heartbroken over what happened. Who knows, I might have done something similar to what they did if I had been there. Yet this story is a reminder to me that while my failed attempts to fix people in the past never had such a heartbreaking ending, I need to always remember to refrain from attempts to fix others, no matter how noble my intentions may seem to be to me.

   Does someone you care about have a problem that you think needs fixing? My advice is instead of trying to fix their problem, be someone who cares enough to emphatically listen and provide emotional support. Be patient and trust that eventually they will figure out their own solution, one that is sure to be more helpful to them in the long run than anything you might have come up with if you had thought it was your role to try and fix their problem.

Change is Rarely Linear

I have lived in Wisconsin most of my adult life and so I have endured my share of jokes about the weather here, especially in winter.   My friends who live in warmer climates freely provide their moral their support as I endure the snow and cold, here in the land of the frozen tundra. While I appreciate that support, when I really need it most is right now as I, and millions of others, try to negotiate the challenges of waiting for what some may think to be an oxymoron: Wisconsin spring.

   In the last week we have experienced temperatures ranging from as low as the mid-thirties to as high as seventy. I just checked the ten-day weather forecast and the highs in that forecast range from thirty-seven to sixty-nine degrees. This makes it difficult to make outdoor plans-whether to play golf, grill out, go for a walk or bike ride, or work in the garden-more than a few hours in advance.

   My annual experience of spring's slow, unpredictable arrival in Wisconsin is a reminder that more often than not, the process of change is not linear. If spring's arrival were a linear process, then starting some time in April, each day would be slightly warmer than the day before, until finally by mid May spring would have fully arrived. Such linear change would mean one would be able to plot the daily high temperatures on a graph in a nice straight, upward trending line. The reality, however, is that spring's arrival here is nonlinear process, that if plotted on a graph would have more sudden highs and lows than a death defying roller coaster!

     It turns out that understanding that the process of change is rarely linear is a very helpful concept for understanding not just changes in the weather, but other experiences as well. Here are few examples of when other types of change are also nonlinear. I'm sure you could add several of your own as well.

    *Introducing or leading change in an organization that has a set way of doing things.

     *Raising children.

     *Coming to clarity about a major life decision.

     *Working to restore emotional closeness in a relationship thathas become distant.

     *Adopting a significant life style change which includes adopting a new, life-changing habit or discipline.

*Changing careers

*Retiring

*Beginning or letting go of a significant relationship

   In each of these situations change is likely to mirror a Wisconsin spring, with unpredictable highs and lows. These highs and lows will most likely be accompanied by emotions that range from warm to chilly and sunny to stormy, and all in very short order.

   Fortunately, I have lived in Wisconsin long enough to know that eventually spring will arrive. And most of us who have lived long enough have the perspective now to know that children do grow up, organizations do learn to adapt to change, and major life decisions do become clear over time. If you are like me, though, it is easy to lose my perspective when I am dealing with a change or transition that I wish would happen quickly and predictably.

   What changes or transitions-meteorological or otherwise- do you find yourself in the midst of right now? Perhaps it will be helpful to remember that the long term forecast for any significant change you are encountering right now probably mirrors a Wisconsin weather forecast-lot of highs and lows in the weeks ahead, but gradually, an overall trend of warmth and clearing will emerge.

The Wisdom of Momisms

Once again it is time for the annual Mother's Day column where I share some of the classic things mothers like to say and then reflect on the wellness wisdom that is contained within these classic "Momisms." What follows are a few of these sayings that I have shared in previous Mother's Day columns, along with a few new ones. I hope you enjoy them and will pass them along to others. Please also feel free to reply to this email with any of your favorite "Momisms" that I might have missed. "I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving the problem? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.

 "If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This "Momism" contains some great wellness applications. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important then to carefully observe the habits we are forming. A second application of this "Momism" has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors and it easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually does change at some point.

 "For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken." We need to remember to integrate the spiritual with the practical. A story is told of some visitors from a church who came to call on an elderly parishioner who they knew was having trouble maintaining her home. When the visitors arrived they announced that they had come to pray with her. The woman, not missing a beat, replied, "That's great-I need prayer. But when you are done praying I'd really love for you to help me wash all those dishes piled up in the sink." Faith without works can be empty.

"This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, that any present struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of a much larger time frame.

 "Take care of a goldfish and then you can get a dog." When taking on any new challenge or responsibility it's important to start small. New habits and big goals are realized best in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run you first 5K or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major. Another way of saying this is that "Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch."

"I don't care what everybody else is doing, you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't meant that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.

"The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and need to be cared for and tended to to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships.

This is the more positive version of, "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as it is what builds and strengthens individuals and relationships.

"Please call me when you get there so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were children we probably rolled our eyes and thought our Mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.

As we pause to celebrate mothers today, may we also remember the wisdom that they, along with other important women in our lives, taught us over all the years, and be thankful

Moving All the Furniture Out of the Room

It's that time of year when people do their spring cleaning. Many of us are spending some time doing a deeper cleaning than usual of our homes, garages, yards, offices, and cars. If you are like me, it's not something you look forward to doing, but the work is completed  there is always the appreciation of a fresh beginning.

   My wife and I decided to do a deep cleaning of our bedroom this past week. Once we started, we decided to do something we hadn't done in fifteen years. We made the decision to move every piece of furniture, including the rug, out into the hallway so that we could scrub down and repaint the entire room from top to bottom. We also did this to be free to consider new ways of arranging the furniture, while at the same time considering things we no longer want to keep. I am happy to report that our bedroom is reassembled and that we are enjoying not just a cleaner room, but a totally rearranged room, and one with fewer items than were in the room previously. It feels good.

    Last year, our Living Compass team took two days to do some long range strategic planning. As a still relatively young, but quickly growing, organization we do this fairly often to help us be clear about our goals for our organization, as well as who will be responsible for each step necessary to reach our goals. In this particular strategic planning session, Robbin Whittington, our Director of Publications and Resource Development, shared the perfect metaphor for what we were doing. She said that healthy organizations, from time to time, need to be willing to "move all the furniture out of the room" in order to get a totally free and fresh perspective. This helps them determine what needs to change and what needs to stay the same. I, of course, thought of that metaphor as we were doing our deep cleaning this past week.

    One sign of stagnation or decline in any organization (be it a business, a congregation, or a family) is the phrase, "We've always done it this way," or it's equivalent, "But we've never done it that way before!" I know this for a fact, because when my wife suggested completely rearranging our bedroom, the first words out of my mouth, without even thinking, were, "But we've always had it arranged this way!" It wasn't until all the furniture was out of the room that I could actually see the new and creative possibilities my wife was describing to me.

     So what furniture might benefit from being moved or perhaps rearranged in your life, either literally, or metaphorically? Might a new idea at work, a new way of rearranging a room in your home, or going back to school be a good way to make a fresh beginning? How about a new exercise routine or a new way of eating? Or a new way of thinking about a family member or friend?

      May I suggest, based on my own recent experience, that the first step in making a change is to simply move all the furniture out of the room. The beauty of this first step is that at this point you are not committing to changing or getting rid of anything. You are simply committing to reconsider the way you are currently arranging things and opening yourself up to the possibility of something new. Like spring cleaning, the process may be something you don't especially look forward to, but when you are done and new possibilities have been entertained and then acted upon, I'm pretty sure there will be the satisfaction of a fresh beginning.

Heartfelt Conversations

I have enjoyed live theater most of my adult life.  I recently attended a world premier performance of American Song at the Milwaukee Repertory Theater that was so unique and powerful, that I cannot stop thinking about what I experienced.  The play, described in the program as having Two Acts, focuses on the some of the difficult challenges parents face today around issues of violence, gun violence in particular.  The play provides a glimpse into the struggles of a father whose son becomes front-page news because of his involvement in a school shooting.  The father wonders painfully why he and his wife did not see the warning signs, and also what mistakes they may have made as parents that might have contributed to their son’s horrific action. The setting for Act One is the countryside where the father, who is alone on stage for entire first act, is building a stone wall while giving his monologue. We learn that he has been working on the wall for months.  As he lays each new stone he begins to see that there are small mistakes that he has made while building the wall that cause it to be crooked—mistakes that only become clear as he looks at the fuller view, possible only now that the wall is near completion.  This becomes a metaphor for the doubts and questions that he and his wife have about the many important decisions they have made as they raised their child, decisions that only in retrospect they may come to question.

As riveting as Act One of this play was, it was Act Two that was so unique and that three weeks later, still has me telling others about it.  Act One, the monologue, lasted 80 minutes without an intermission.  When it ended, a leader from the theater came on stage and explained how Act Two would play out.  She explained that in the lobby of the theater, chairs had been set up in circles for 8-10 people to gather with a trained facilitator to discuss our reactions to what we had just experienced.  Participation was of course optional. The invitation was very relaxed, and she explained that it is common for theatergoers to go out afterward to talk about the play they had just seen.  Given the strong emotion of the content of the play, the theater itself was offering to host these conversations in the lobby with a trained facilitator which provided the added benefit of discussing the play with a broader group of people, not just the people who had come with us to the play.

I would estimate that 80% of the people, probably close to 200 in all, joined one of the discussion groups. My wife and I joined a group with seven other people that we did not know.  Our facilitator explained that he would offer us two questions and that once everyone had been given their chance to speak for two minutes, there would be an open discussion for up to fifteen minutes.  The first question was, “What scene in the play was most memorable to you, and why?”  The second question was, “Did the play resonate with anything in your personal or family life?”

Because I have had the honor of listening to the deep stories of peoples’ lives for many years as a pastor and a therapist, I was not surprised about by the content of what people shared, as I know most people have a lot just under the surface that they are wanting to talk about if given the opportunity.  What did surprise me, as we were sitting in the lobby of a theater, was that people who were complete strangers were able to so quickly create a safe enough place for each other to share their deep joys, sorrows, and regrets.

One person spoke of a recent suicide in the family, another of estrangement from her adult children, and others shared moving stories of forgiveness and reconciliation between themselves and loved ones.  The play took us all to an authentic, vulnerable place within our hearts and souls, and we chose to share that vulnerability with each other.  It is worth noting that this deep, authentic conversation was occurring in a group that contained members of different races, political parties, and religious identities.

Our facilitator kindly let us know when we had reached the end of the fifteen minutes set aside for group discussion.  He also let us know that if we wished, he could stay an additional half hour to continue the rich conversation we were having.  Without hesitating, we all stayed the additional thirty minutes and continued our honest sharing.

My primary take away from this experience was how deeply we longed for authentic conversation and connection around the concerns that mattered most to us.  I began to wonder where else, in addition to this bold experiment by the Milwaukee Repertory Theater, could these conversations occur?  Who could host them?  How could we host more of these conversations in our homes, our faith communities, our neighborhoods, and our schools?

The importance of such conversations cannot be underestimated. I believe they are crucial to breaking down the isolation and divisiveness found in our modern culture, for it is in doing so that we begin to address some of the root causes of violence in our culture, the very topic that American Song addressed so powerfully that night.