A Tip for a Good Night's Sleep

The filing date for income tax returns is fast approaching and so I thought I would begin with the only joke I know regarding paying taxes. The joke is about a man who was having trouble sleeping at night because he felt so guilty about the fact that he had recently cheated when filing his taxes.  He had lied by underreporting his income from his small business, which he knew resulted in his cheating the government out of two thousand dollars.  He felt so guilty about what he had done that he had not been able to get a good night's sleep since filing, as he would toss and turn wondering if he should correct his wrongdoing. Unsure of how to proceed, he went to talk to his minister about it.  He confessed what he had done and asked her what she thought he should do.  Not hesitating a minute, the minister praised him for admitting his mistake. She told him that he should send a letter immediately to the IRS, apologizing for his wrongdoing, and include payment for the unpaid taxes.

The man went home and thought about it for a while and then decided on a compromise.  He decided to send the following anonymous note to the IRS.  "I am sorry to say that I underpaid my taxes by $2,000 in my most recent income tax filing, and since that time I have not been able to get a single night of good sleep.  I feel horribly guilty, and so I have enclosed $1,000 in cash with this note.  If this doesn't help, and I find that I still can't sleep, I will send the other $1,000 right away."

Our relationship with money is complex. We want to have the right relationship with money and yet, as this joke reveals, there can be a conflict between our own interests and doing what we know is ethical and right.  There are few things in life that attract as much energy and attention as money.  I found this to be true in my years of doing marriage and family counseling, as conflicts over money were one of the most common reasons for seeking help.  The conflicts were not usually about money itself, but about conflicting attitudes about the use and role of money in one's life.

Our attitudes about money are influenced by our spiritual beliefs and our core values, which is why every major religion offers teachings about the importance of one's relationship with money.   Money, in and of itself, is neutral--it is not good or bad, positive or negative, secular or spiritual; it is our relationship with money that can be spiritual or not, positive or negative.  For example, the Bible says that, "The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil."  It is important to note that it is saying that's one's relationship with money can be the root of bad things-not money itself.   If the love of money drives a person to neglect his or her most important relationships, and those relationships suffer, then it is safe to say that the love of money is at the root of the problem.  When a person compromises their health on the way to accumulating wealth then it is clear that their love for money is at the root of the problem. On the other hand, when a person is generous with their money, sharing it with others and supporting good causes, then they exemplify a positive use of and relationship with money.

Few things reveal or express our spirituality and core values more than the decisions we make about how we spend and share our money.  As we pause to file our income taxes this time of year,  it is also a good time to reflect on how fully the decisions we are making about money align with our core values. To the degree that our values and the decisions we make about money align, we will experience, along with many other benefits, a good night's sleep!

The Importance of a Good Assist

 I remember the day my dad first put up a basketball hoop on our garage.  I shot baskets well into the evening that day, and over the course of the rest of my childhood I'm sure my friends and I logged well over a thousand hours of shooting hoops together.  We played games called "horse" and "around the world" and plenty of one-on-one and two-on-two games, and then we always ended our time together with the same routine.

     This routine involved each of us taking turns pretending it was the last four or five seconds of a tie game, and in our minds it was always a championship game of some sort, where everything was on the line.  One of us would take the basketball and dribble far down the driveway, in order to launch a last second long range shot to win the game.  The drama was enhanced by the fact that another one of us would always pretend to be the television announcer describing the scene to the viewers.   "And here he is dribbling down the court, getting by the defender and launching the potential game winning shot....it's up....and it's.......good....and the crowd is going wild!"  If the shot missed, we would simply replay the whole scene as many times as it took to get a successful outcome.  Nothing felt better to we  young boys than walking off the court  hero to the millions of imaginary fans that were watching.

    This past Monday night there were tens of millions of real fans watching a young man from Villanova University live out the fantasy kids have acted out in their driveways and school gyms forever.  With 4.7 seconds to go in the championship game of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, Ryan Arcidiacono of the Villanova Wildcat's received an inbound pass under his own basket.  He drove the length of the floor and began to execute a play that was designed for him to take the final shot, as he was one of the team's best shooters. He was to to take the last shot just as time was running out. But then unexpectedly, he did the smartest thing he could possibly have done.  Because he was well covered by the defense of the North Carolina Tar Heels, at the very last second, insetad of shooting, he passed the ball to his open teammate Kris Jenkins.  With less than a second left on the clock Jenkins released his shot. Amazingly it was "up......and good!" as we used to shout in our driveway when I was a kid! It was a thrilling end to an exciting game and tournament, one basketball fans will long remember.  If you haven't seen the video of the assist and final shot, you can view it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7FFJUz0tdo

     The most memorable part for me of how Villanova won the championship game was not the last second shot by Jenkins, but the last minute assist-the last minute pass- by his teammate Arcidiacono.   Arcidiacono's selfless decision, his willingness to pass up the chance to make the game winning shot which would have made him a basketball hero for the ages, is what I most memorable and most inspiring.

    I can assure you that in all the times my friends and I were creating our own last second game dramas, we never had our pretend television announcer say, "And here he is dribbling down the court, about to launch the game winning shot, and he......passes the ball to his teammate so he can take the game winning shot!"  We never realized that the perfect assist could be just as important and memorable as the perfect scoring shot.  Instead we dreamed of the glory of scoring the winning basket and of all the attention and fun it would afford us.

     This is a wellness column, and while everything I have written so far is about basketball, the lesson we can learn here is directly applicable to wellness, most clearly in the health and wellness of our relationships.  When we are willing to make assisting more important than being the "hero" or the center of attention, our relationships will thrive.  To be a good teammate is to put a priority on making lots of assists.  To put it in spiritual terms, the soul seeks to assist, while the ego seeks to score points and be the center of attention.

     As you we look at the important relationships in our lives-in our families and in our communities-it is wise to stop and ask, "How might I focus more on assisting?  Who do I know right now that could benefit from a good assist right?

    In the spirit of Ryan Arcidiacono, may we all be inspired to do the unexpected and make the assist for the good of those around us and for the various teams which we are playing.

Laughing Silly

I would like to share with you a new and important finding from recent medical research.  Over the last year several studies have been released that clearly show that there is a much higher incidence of arteriosclerosis--hardening of the arteries--in adults who lack a sense of humor.  That's right, people who rarely laugh are at a much higher risk of building up plaque in their arteries than those who laugh on a regular basis.  

Okay, I must admit that what you just read has not been scientifically proven and was, in fact, in light of today being April 1, my own weak attempt at an April Fool's joke.  There are no such findings. Yet I wouldn't be surprised if it was true, as the idea kind of makes sense, doesn't it?

I know when I lose my sense of humor, while my arteries may not get rigid, I certainly become inflexible in lots of other ways.  And I have no doubt that extended periods of little laughter are, in fact, not good for my over all sense of well-being.  Fortunately, I am blessed to have a two and half year old grandson in my life who constantly keeps me not just smiling, but laughing out loud on a regular basis. So right now I don't need to worry.

Just last weekend, because of his unique child's view of the world, my grandson and I ended up playing with a wooden paint stir stick for quite some time.  Perhaps you have never been so fortunate as to experience the joy of playing with such a wooden stick, so please allow me to elaborate.

My grandson, discovering the stick in a bag that had recently been brought home from the hardware store, wasted no time turning the stick into a series of imaginary toys.  Upon spotting the stick he immediately lifted it to his lips and pronounced that the stick was really a trumpet, as he busily fingered the valves of the make believe instrument.  Staying with the musical theme, the paint stick was soon a violin, a guitar, and a flute. Shortly thereafter it was a golf club, a neck tie, a fishing rod, and a tree. Before the afternoon was over it had also become a baseball bat, a diving board, a spoon, a fork, a knife, a popsicle stick, a teeter totter, a giant pencil and even a magic wand.

What I remember most about our play time together, was surprisingly not the imaginative uses of the stick that my grandson came up with, but rather his shrieks of joy and laugher when he announced each new idea of what the stick could be, always adding, "That is so silly!!"  As with all young children, such shrieks of joy and laughter seem to come forth from every cell in their body.  Such laughter is, of course, contagious and I was laughing out loud with him every step of the way, a few times laughing to the point of tears rolling down my cheeks.  I know one of the reasons I enjoy spending time with children, and I don't think I am alone in this, is because they make me laugh. They remind me how good it feels to be silly.

This all reminds me of an article I read recently that pointed out that young children laugh an average of 300 times a day and that adults, on the other hand, only laugh about 10-15 times a day.   Whether those numbers are accurate or not is unimportant, as they point to the truth most of us recognize, that adults laugh far less than children.  This does not need to be the case, however, we can continue to look for the fun and the unexpected that exists around us every day. This thought reminds me of the quote by George Bernard Shaw, "We don't stop laughing because we get old, we get old because we stop laughing."

In honor of it being April Fools Day today, how might you increase your "laugh quotient" today?  Maybe you won't reach 300 laughs as a young child might, but perhaps you might find yourself laughing a bit more than you usually do, keeping your eyes open for new perspectives and humor in your world. Just as my grandson could so creatively re-imagine new uses for a paint stick, how might we re-imagine challenges or problems we are currently facing in a new way? How might a new perspective open up and allow for a little humor to lighten things up?  The ability to lighten up, the ability to laugh more often, is clearly good for the soul.  And while I can't say for sure, I imagine it must be good for our arteries as well.

Letting Go, Letting Come

As Easter approaches I am reminded of a story of a young girl who received sunflower seeds to plant in her backyard.  Her parents advised her as to when it was the right time to plant the seeds in the ground, and she happily did so, burying them several inches into the soil.  Her parents also explained to her that it would take seven to ten days before the new plants would sprout. Each day the girl watered the plants as she had been instructed to do. Then, when no one was looking, she would get out her small shovel out and dig up each seed, lifting it out of the ground to see if it was, in fact, sprouting.  Several weeks passed and the parents wondered why none of the sunflower seeds were sprouting.  The girl, overhearing her parents, reported that she had wondered the same, and went on to say that this was why she had been digging them up every day, to inspect them for signs of growth.  So the mystery for the parents was solved, and the daughter learned an important lesson. It takes great patience to wait for new life to sprout, and any attempts to rush the process may in fact prevent it from happening altogether.

Easter is, of course, the ultimate story of new life.  The celebration of Easter is  the celebration of Jesus' resurrection and the belief that God continues to sprout new life in our midst.  In our Living Compass Lenten booklet this year the meditations focussed on the practice of letting go.  In line with the lesson learned by the girl who was learning to grow sunflower plants, we are reminded that the sprouting of new life requires us to be patient, and that we are wise to learn to practice both letting go and letting come.

New life takes time to form and sprout.  We can not rush the process by trying impatiently to force change or growth to happen. Growth happens at it's own rate. The caterpillar will emerge as a butterfly in its own time frame, not ours.  The adolescent will become an adult in his or her own time frame, not ours.  The pain of grief will gradually subside and a new normal will emerge, but only in it's own time.  The time it takes to grow wise in one's later years cannot be forced either, it can only be accomplished over a long period of time and then embraced.

Resurrection, and all new life, is a gift that happens around us everyday. In order to fully receive this gift of new life, we need to simply, but not easily, wait patiently for life to sprout, in its own way, and in its own time-keeping our eyes open for the miracles of new life that are happening around us all the time.

Happy Easter to who all celebrate this day, from all of us at Living Compass.

Entrances Are Important

Entrances are important.  This is why hotels, restaurants, businesses, houses of worship, and other public gathering places give special attention to creating entrances that are warm, comfortable, and inviting.  We tend to do the same when it comes to our private living spaces as well.  We know, intuitively, that an entrance often sets the tone for the rest of the visit. It will impact the entire experience that a person is going to have.  Entrances really are that important.This Sunday, Christians around the world will celebrate and remember an importance entrance.  Palm Sunday celebrates Jesus' last entrance into Jerusalem, riding on a donkey, surrounded by people waving palm branches and shouting, “Hosanna.”  His entrance is remarkable for its humility.   If a Roman official of equal notoriety at that time  had been making an entrance into Jerusalem, that official would  most likely have arrived  in a chariot pulled by majestic stallions, surrounded by hundreds of armed guards marching in perfect formation.  Jesus' very different entrance set the tone for what was to follow.  He came in humility, without arms or armor, open to facing the truth of what was happening with authenticity, and transparency.

You and I have the chance to practice our own entrances on a regular basis.  The kind of entrances we  make on a daily basis are seldom public or dramatic, but they are of great importance, none the less.  How we enter or begin our conversations with our friends, spouses, children, other family members, and with our colleagues sets the tone for what will follow in those conversations.  With the holidays of Passover and Easter coming, families will reconnect and reenter each others lives.  How we enter into those gatherings will set the tone for all that follows there.  How we choose to enter a new stage of life or any important transition in our life will also have a great effect on how we experience that change. Another way in which we get to make choices around entrances, is when we have the chance to welcome people into our lives, either for the first time, or at a time of reconnecting.  Either way we have the opportunity to make that new entrance, that new connection warm, comfortable, and inviting or not.  Reaching out to welcome a person into the neighborhood, at work, or in a group that you are already a part of can make a powerful difference in that person's life.  Who among us doesn't remember gratefully someone welcoming us into a new group when were still a stranger?

Making or providing a gracious entrance is, of course, most challenging if there has been past tension or conflict between ourselves and the person with whom we are reconnecting.  If we are not being careful and mindful, our entrances at times like this can be guarded at best, and openly tense or critical at worst.  We can learn from Jesus' final entrance into Jerusalem though. He would have had every right to bring arms and armor, but chose not to.  Like him, when we enter or reenter difficult relationships or situations, we can choose to do so with grace, authenticity, and transparency.  How we choose to enter all relationships and conversations will make all the difference regarding what follows.