Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

     Some of the readers of this column are using our Lenten booklet, "Letting Go with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind" and so already know that the theme for this week's readings is letting go of perfectionism.  Perfectionism can take many forms, including a persistent desire to fix others.

While the desire to fix others might be well intended, it is often experienced by the person supposedly in need of fixing as if the fixer is  "inflicting help."  The person trying to fix another may come across as  "holier than thou," or in it's most extreme form, that the helper is trying to play the role of God.

A wonderful antidote to any tendencies toward perfectionism is the well known prayer called the Serenity Prayer, a prayer many have turned to over the years.  I recently became aware of a modern day adaptation of this famous prayer, written by a Jesuit priest by the name of James Martin.   James Martin, is an author and speaker, who became a regular on the Steven Colbert show when that show aired on Comedy Central, does a wonderful job of connecting spirituality with our everyday lives.

Here is the text of this modern day version of the Serenity Prayer.  It's a good prayer for each of us to pray everyday, especially when we need help resisting the desire to play God by trying to fix others.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, which is pretty much everyone, since I'm clearly not you, God. At least not the last time I checked.

And while you're at it, God, please give me the courage to change what I need to change about myself, which is frankly a lot, since, once again, I'm not you, which means I'm not perfect. It's better for me to focus on changing myself than to worry about changing other people, who, as you'll no doubt remember me saying, I can't change anyway.

Finally, give me the wisdom to just shut up whenever I think that I'm clearly smarter than everyone else in the room, that no one knows what they're talking about except me, or that I alone have all the answers. Basically, God, grant me the wisdom to remember that I'm not you. Amen

James Martin, S.J.

This Life is Pretty Amazing

 This Life is Pretty Amazing

     I don't think I am alone in that I sometimes get tied up in knots taking myself and the challenges I face too seriously. Not that life isn't serious some times, it's just that taking myself too seriously is rarely helpful-for me or for others.   So as a recess from taking myself too seriously, and in honor of a certain author's birthday this week, I am delighted to share a few of my favorite quotes from Theodore Geisel, better known, of course, as Dr. Seuss.

     Dr. Seuss, born March 2, 1904, is perhaps best known for his ability to say profound things with just the right dose of humor. He is known for sharing wisdom in such a way that both children and adults can easily understand the message.

     So here are few of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes, ones that I think offer the perfect combination of humor and wisdom. If your favorite quote of his is not on this list, I would love to know what it is!

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."

"You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you're the one who'll decide where to go."

"You have brains in your head; you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose."

"A person's a person, no matter how small."

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."

"With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street."

"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."

"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere."

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

"I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells."

"You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child."

"Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act."

"It is better to know how to learn than to know."

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

"Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing!"

Let Go, or Be Dragged

Last week I wrote about both the challenges and the importance of learning to "let go." This week I heard an expression related to letting go that I had never heard before, one I think I will remember for a long time. The expression is, "Let go, or be dragged."

   When I heard this I immediately had a flashback to the first time I went downhill skiing. I was ten years old and I, of course, started on a small hill, needing to take a rope tow to get to the top. I had no problem grabbing on to the rope and enjoyed being pulled up the hill. When I got to the top though, I panicked and clutched ever more fiercely to the rope, even though the signs clearly said it was time to let go. Finally, I crashed though a safety gate and my skis and poles went flying in opposite directions as I tumbled to the frozen ground. That was my first, and probably most obvious, lesson in the wisdom captured in the phrase "Let go, or be dragged."

     The expression, "Let go, or be dragged" is simple, powerful, and direct. It doesn't tell people that they must let go. It simply tells them what the natural consequence will be if they choose not to do so.

     Consider a relationship that is not working for you. Perhaps you have been giving and giving in this relationship, in order to try and get the person to appreciate you, but nothing you do seems to work. It seems that the more you give, the less you get. At some point, it may become clear that it is time to let this relationship go. At this time you may realize that if you don't, you will most likely be dragged down by your fruitless efforts at being the only one trying to improve the relationship, a difficult but helpful awareness.

     Perhaps you are experiencing the truth of "let go or be dragged" in a situation where you are trying to help someone make a change. Perhaps you are working hard to get a person with an addiction or some other self-destructive behavior to stop doing what they are doing. This can be a problem if you find yourself working harder than they are in the attempt to create a healthier life. They may experience you as "inflicting help" and resent your efforts to change them. At some point you may come to the difficult realization that it is time to "let go or be dragged."

     Perfectionists are people who have excessively high standards for themselves and others. Over time, they can wear themselves out, and others, too. While having goals and high standards can be motivating, perfectionism ultimately becomes disabling because it sets standards that are impossible to meet. If a perfectionist at some point does not learn to "let go" they will drag themselves down and others with them.

   You no doubt have your own examples to add to this list. Just as I did with the rope tow on my first attempt at downhill skiing, most of us probably had an unfortunate experience of holding on to something longer than we should have done so. Many of us have over the years seen others and/or have experienced for ourselves circumstances where we have learned this truth the hard way. Yet those experiences are a great reminder to us now to be aware of those situations in our lives where we may currently be vulnerable to holding on for too long. Just remember, don't hold on to that tow rope too long!

Letting Go

This past Sunday I had the honor of serving as guest pastor at a church while the regular pastor was away.  The church happens to be using our Lenten booklet,  "Letting Go with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind" in their adult forum so I had the opportunity to speak with the group while I was there.  The people gathered for the forum clearly already had a strong sense of trust with one another and therefore were quite ready to share openly what was on their minds.  I was so moved by the conversation that we had that I would like to share some of it with you here. I started out by asking the group of twenty-five people, ranging in age from early their thirties to their early nineties, what kinds of challenges they were facing regarding "letting go."  The responses were as immediate as they were heartfelt.

"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my adult children.  It's important for me to remember that it is their life, not mine."

"I struggle to let go of anger."

"For me, it's a challenge to let go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me."  (In response to this, another person spoke of the relief they felt after having recently finally let go of a grudge they had been holding onto for forty years.)

"Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of."  (Several others nodded their head in agreement with the speaker.)

A ninety-three year old person offered, "I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of.  I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her."

"I keeping trying to let go of control.  I let it go and then I take it right back again!"

The comment that seemed to most resonate with the group  was, "I am such a worrier-I am really working on letting go of my worries."

"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me," was shared with obvious feelings of sadness and grief.

I was so moved by the depth of what was offered by these authentic folks.  It was such a powerful reminder for me that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.

During the last portion of our time together, I asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared.  The first response offered was affirmed by many others, "The community of people in this church over the last twenty years is what has helped me through many different challenges related to letting go."  Equally important for those present was the role of their faith.  "'Let go and let God' sounds cliche, but that way of living and thinking is really is what helps me the most," was affirmed by a woman who clearly seemed to know this from experience.  Family and friends were also high on the list as being essential in helping people to let go.

Life happens.  Loss happens.  Hurt happens.  Change happens.  Our group made this all very clear.  At the same time, though, they affirmed that:  healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and faith happens. New beginnings can, and do, happen.

I am grateful to have spent time with this inspiring group of people, who reminded me once again of the healing power of faith and community.

Spiritual Disciplines

The Christian season of Lent began this week. For those who observe this season, it is a common practice to take on a new spiritual discipline for the seven weeks between Ash Wednesday and Easter. Spiritual disciplines are of course not unique to Christianity, but are practiced by followers of all faiths.

     My wife recently led a three week parenting series for parents of children in our local school system. The topic of discipline came up, as it almost always does when we offer a parenting program. The parents were not asking about discipline in the spiritual sense, the kind people connect with seasons such as Lent, but rather about  the topic of discipline as it relates to raising children.

     Whenever my wife and I, who speak regularly as family therapists about parenting, are asked about the topic of discipline it gives us the opportunity to remind people that the rooting meaning of the word discipline is to teach. A disciple is a student, a person learning from a teacher. To be knowledgeable in a certain discipline means that one can teach others about that subject. When we are talking with parents we explain that many parents commonly think of disciplining a child as synonymous with punishment. It is more accurate, and far more helpful though, to think instead of disciplining a child as teaching a child. Any time a child misbehaves, a parent has an opportunity to teach, it is a teachable moment. The parent can show and demonstrate the behavior that would instead be more appropriate, safer or more desirable. The emphasis of a teaching based discipline versus a fear or guilt-based approach is an important distinction when thinking about the idea of discipline.

     The same understanding of discipline applies to the practice of spiritual disciplines. Some approaches to Lent, and to spiritual disciplines in general, have emphasized fear and guilt, even the need at times to suffer. I choose to believe in a love-based approach to discipline, one that emphasizes discipline as teaching. With this mindset, one takes on a spiritual discipline to learn about spiritual matters such as the importance of humility, gratitude, patience, delayed gratification, forgiveness, prayer, and service to others. Just as a person might have a discipline of practicing the piano in order to play more beautiful music, so too a person might take on a spiritual discipline to be able to live a more spiritual life, to deepen one's tendency to be humble, patient, prayerful, and grateful.

     In my attempt to deepen my own spiritual life I have already started practicing a few spiritual disciplines for this Lent. I will be writing in a journal for fifteen minutes each day, specifically about two things. The first will be what I am grateful for that day, and the second will be what I either learned that day or what I had the chance to practice in terms of "letting go." "Letting Go with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind" is the theme of the Living Compass Lenten booklet this year and so it was natural for me to focus on that as part of my journaling discipline. The other discipline I will be practicing this Lent is that of giving something away. Each day I will be packing up one item to give to Goodwill. At the end of the 40 days of Lent, I will take the 40 items to my local Goodwill store to drop them off. I still have a great deal to learn about letting go, gratitude, and simplifying my life and so this is my lesson plan for this Lent.

     How about you? Have you considered observing Lent this year by taking on a spiritual discipline? If so, what do you hope to learn by doing so?