Irrational Beliefs

 Irrational beliefs are harmless, even funny at times. Except when they are not.

     This past week our country engaged in the fun and harmless belief that a rodent, a groundhog in particular, can either see its shadow or not see its shadow and thus can accurately predict how much longer winter will last.   This Sunday, hundreds of millions of people will watch the Super Bowl, and diehard fans of the competing teams are likely to hang onto irrational beliefs in the midst of their fun. "Whenever I wear a certain T-shirt with my team logo on it, my team wins, so I must be certain to wear it this Sunday." "When I sit in this chair and watch the game, my team always wins." Players themselves are also known to engage in ritual behaviors and to hold on to certain beliefs that they think will maximize their chances of winning. "If I avoid stepping on the side line when I go into the game I will have better luck!"

     Observing Groundhog's Day and watching a sporting event like the Super Bowl are both entertaining and thus there is no real harm in the irrational beliefs that surround these cultural rituals. The same is true when I play a game that involves dice as I like to blow on the die before I roll them in hopes that it will bring me good luck. All of this I know is just part of the fun. There is no harm in any of these irrational beliefs when we embrace them in a spirit of silliness.

     It is quite a different story when people hold irrational beliefs that can significantly impair their wellness. Here, in no particular order, are a few beliefs that people have shared with me over the years that I have served as a psychotherapist and as a pastor.

"If I were a real man I would not feel so vulnerable."

"As a woman, it is always best for me to simply 'go along, to get along."

"My self-worth is totally depended on my achievements."

"If I dare to bring up any conflict in the relationship the relationship will end, so it's best to not bring it up."

"If people really knew me, they would not love me."

"If I ignore it, it will go way"

"If I ask for help, I am weak."

"Keeping secrets from people I love will never hurt them."

"I can't leave this physically abusive relationship because God would punish me for doing so."

"Bad things don't happen to good people."

"I shouldn't have to tell others about what I need or want-if they really care about me they should already know."

"If I'm not perfect, no one will love me."

"I have cancer because I am being punished for mistakes I made when I was younger."

"Parents should never say they are sorry because it will undermine their authority with their children."

   I'm all for irrational beliefs that are fun and harmless, whether they have to do with groundhogs or sporting events. But when it comes to holding on to irrational beliefs that harm one's wellbeing or that of others, that's a whole different matter. The important and potential life changing factor is to know the difference, to know when our beliefs are harmless and when they are harmful.

   I invite you to take moment to name any irrational beliefs you have that may be limiting yourself and/or your relationships. Do any of the beliefs I listed above apply to you? Are there other irrational beliefs that you can name? If so, share them with others as a way of beginning to let them go. If need be talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a faith leader. Our beliefs can be fun and harmless, or they can be limiting and hurtful. It's very important to know the difference.

Predicting Storms

Much of the East Coast experienced record snowfalls last week.  While I certainly enjoyed the beautiful pictures and videos that my friends out east shared, my heart went out to those who experienced varying degrees of disruption in their lives.  We in the Midwest were spared, but it's only a matter of time before it will be our turn to experience the disruption and chaos that storms bring.  In fact, the current heading on weather.com reads, ""Big Midwest Winter Storm Predicted Next Week With Possibile Blizzard Conditions." Whenever a major snowstorm occurs, or for that matter a hurricane or tornado develops, it is common to hear people complain after the storm that predictions of the storm were not accurate.  Whether the storm turns out to be better or worse than anticipated people find themselves wondering how the experts could have been be so far off in their predictions.  I imagine that some of the questions are simply a product of the general crankiness that people often feel when a storm has disrupted their lives. The weather stations it seems are as good as any other place for people to direct their frustrations.

What I find amusing about people being upset with storm forecasters is that storms by their nature are far outside the range of normal conditions. They are therefore inherently difficult to predict.  Behaving in ways that are unpredictable are what make storms, well....storms.  It seems clear that even with all our best technology, we cannot control nature.  The benefit of most storm forecasts is not that they are perfect in forecasting the exact details of what will occur, but that they give us a warning. They are meant to provide us with a general warning so we have time to get prepared for extreme and unpredictable conditions.

Just this week I, too, found myself in the role of a storm forecaster, and so maybe that is why I am feeling some empathy for those who make their livings forecasting the weather.  A colleague was describing a significant change through which she was leading her organization and together we agreed that storms were on the horizon as this change began, emotional storms related to changing the status quo.  I also had a conversation with a young couple who is about to have their first baby.   We talked about the joy and excitement they felt. I thought it was important to let the new parents know as well that there would probably be some storms ahead as this major change in their current sense of "normal" was sure to feel disruptive and chaotic at times.

As in weather predictions, it is never possible to predict the exact details of what an emotional storm related to change will look like or how severe it will be and how long it will last.  It is only possible to predict that whenever significant change occurs, there will more than likely be a period of storminess as the people involved get used to the new normal.

Planning to retire?  I predict there will be a storm ahead.  Starting or ending a relationship?  A chance of storms is clearly predicted.  Moving? Starting or leaving a job? Child leaving for a place of their own? A new child in the family? New initiative at work? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then storms are in the forecast.

And as any storm forecaster will tell you, it is important to be prepared.  Just knowing that a storm is coming, even if you don't know the exact details of its severity, allows you time to ready yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually for both the challenges and excitement that storms inevitably bring.

Room to Bloom

In politics when a candidate is running for election and repeatedly attacks one of his or her political opponents, they are said to be "going negative."  When a candidate does this they are switching the focus from promoting their own strengths and merits to focusing on how much worse off  they believe things would be if their opponent were elected. When a candidate goes negative, they are trying to create fear, uncertainty, and doubt..  Such tactics are unfortunatelynot limited to the world of politics.  In fact, most of us have probably engaged in some form of attempting to lift ourselves up by putting others down, perhaps using statements such as ....

"Our product is so much better than their product-in fact if you buy/use their product you will  really regret it."

"That school is not nearly as good as our school - the students there are not nearly as well prepared as our students.

"I"m so glad that our church is so much more enlightened than that other church!"

"We are  so much better parents than most of the parents we know."

"We really work at our relationship-not like most couples I know."

We all do it. We compare ourselves to others, and of course we are the ones who inevitably come out looking best in that comparison.

The "meme" at the top of this column was recently posted on our Living Compass Facebook page.  It received a great deal of positive reaction, in part, because I think it speaks to this common struggle that we all have of competing with and comparing ourselves to others.  I know  that when I am most likely to  build myself up by putting others down is when I am feeling insecure. I am not proud to say that out of my insecurity I can be critical or others, but it is true.

It takes a lot of energy for a flower to bloom.  The same is true for people.  When we spend our energy going negative or competing with others, we divert the energy we need to bloom.  I know, for myself, it takes all the energy I have to foster the blooms in my own garden.   I needn't worry about others as I don't have time and energy to waste pointing out the weeds or lack of blooms in someone else's garden.

What helps you to bloom?  If you are like me, there are probably many contributing factors.  Hard work, perseverance, a clear and inspired vision, and support from others are a few of the factors that help me bloom--along with a commitment to refrain from going negative and trying to compare myself to or compete with others.  There is more than enough room in this world for all of us to bloom.

Dying Well

Kathie, a dear friend of mine, passed away this week after a prolonged journey with Parkinson's disease. I intentionally use the word "journey" as opposed to "battle" because from the very beginning my friend demonstrated amazing grace and courage in her acceptance of the diagnosis and her ability to continue to live out a fullness of life in the midst of the disease. She regularly described it as a journey and in fact talked openly the last few weeks about her dying as simply another stage of the journey. And as a person of deep faith, she also talked of looking forward to her journey beyond this earthly life.

      Our work at Living Compass focuses on helping people to live well. We regularly offer retreats entitled, "Living Well with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind," and over time we, along with those who are a part of these retreats, have discerned several principles that we think are foundational for living well.

     This past month, as I spent time with Kathie, and her amazing, loving family and friends, I realized what a powerful connection there is between living well and dying well. It became clear to me that the foundational principles for living well apply equally to dying well. My friend taught me so many valuable lessons over the forty years I knew her, including, now, teaching me what a strong connection there is between how we live and how we die.

     I offer here, in honor of my dear friend, a few core principles for both living well and dying well.

• Make peace today with anyone whom you have hurt or has hurt you.   Life is too short to hold grudges. Forgive freely.
• Forgive yourself. Let go of mistakes and regrets. Be at peace with yourself.
• Never try to do the journey of living or dying alone. Surround yourself with the love of friends and family, and be sure to be a friend to others on their journeys through life, and death.
• Keep your sense of humor and resist the urge to ever take yourself too seriously.
• In the words of Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God." Tend your spiritual life so that it is there as a foundation for peace and strength for you when you need it most.
• From the Prayer of St. Francis, "It is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is dying that we are born to eternal life."

     We are both students and teachers in this journey we call life. Today, I am especially grateful for all that I was taught by my dear friend Kathie.

Grounded

In last week's column I reflected on the common practice of making New Year's resolutions and wrote that I thought that when it comes to making a change in our lives it is just as important to focus on the why as on the what. For individuals as well as organizations, change that is significant and lasting needs to be grounded in a deeper sense of purpose and meaning for it to be successful. This is why, for example, anytime an individual or organization evaluates the worthiness of taking on a new initiative, they first run the initiative through the filter of "How does this fit my/our core purpose and identity?"

     Ask most teenagers what their associations are to the word grounded and you will most likely hear about rights and privileges being taken away or restricted. Ask most adults what comes to mind when they think about the word grounded and they will likely instead respond by talking about being calm, centered, and a sense of knowing one's purpose and direction in life. It is this latter connotation of grounded that I am referring to when I talk about focusing on why we want to make a change. It is also what author Diane Butler Bass writes about in her new book that is, not coincidentally, titled, Grounded: Finding God in the World-A Spiritual Revolution.

   If you have not made a resolution for the new year, you would be wise to consider making a resolution to read this new book. In religion, as in other fields today, it is common to think of writers as being either conservative or liberal, writing from the left or from the right. The power of a writer like Bass is that she does not fall into these either/or categories. Her writing is deeply faithful and as she states in her title, is advocating for a spiritual revolution for our time. This revolution, which she outlines in this book, is one that locates God not just up in the heavens, but in the very nearness of our lives-in the nearness of nature and in the nearness of our closest relationships. Here is an extended quote from the introduction to this book that captures her thesis, and perhaps will whet your appetite for wanting to read more of this inspiring book:

     "This (book) is a report of a sacred revolution as it is occurring and a sustained assertion that this revolution is not nearly as amorphous or disordered as it otherwise might seem. Rather, there is a pattern of God all around us-a deeply spiritual theology that relates to contemporary concerns, provides meaning and hope for the future, and possesses surprisingly rich ties to wisdom from the past.

     And this revolution rests upon a single insight: God is the ground, the grounding, that which grounds us. We experience this when we understand that soil is holy, water gives life, the sky opens the imagination, our roots matter, home is a divine place, and our lives are linked with our neighbors' and with those around the globe. This world, not heaven, is the sacred stage of our times."

     It goes without saying that I highly recommend this book. Read it and you will most definitely not have an experience of being grounded as being restricted. Instead, your spirituality will be expanded and deepened, and you will indeed find yourself a little more grounded, in the most positive sense of the word.