Of Fireworks and Relationships

Fireworks are a lot like relationships. Both combine ingredients that have the potential to create something beautiful--worthy of "oohs" and aahs." Fireworks are created by a precise combination of several chemicals, most commonly calcium, aluminum, carbon, and a chlorine oxidizer. Relationships, on the other hand, are created through a combination of soul, desire, emotion and character. In the past two weeks two different people have spoken to me of fireworks and relationships. One person talked of growing up in a home that was full of fireworks. She said she never knew when the next explosion would happen. Would it be mom exploding at dad, dad exploding at mom, or mom or dad exploding toward one of the children? Another person spoke of a relatively new love relationship that he was in. He met a woman six months ago and said he felt like he had found his soul mate. He spoke of the electricity in the relationship that often turned into fireworks of joy and elation.

It seems that fireworks, like relationships, can be both beautiful and dangerous. People get hurt if they don't handle them properly. There is a fine line between beauty and danger when you are dealing with either volatile chemicals or volatile emotions. It is one of life's great paradoxes that the forces that can combine to create the greatest beauty are the very same forces that can combine to create the greatest harm. Religion can create a Desmund Tutu, a Mother Theresa, or a person who terrorizes in the name of God.

So how do we make sure that we are creating fireworks of beauty in our relationships versus fireworks that backfire and cause harm? A short answer to that question can be found by looking at the holiday we celebrate today. As important as the individuals were that labored to create our nation, the essence of what formed our nation is the principles upon which it was founded. And so it is with healthy relationships. The common theme of all healthy relationships is not the uniqueness of the individuals that form them, but the principles that guide them, namely humility, integrity, honesty, vulnerability, love, hope and faith.

As we celebrate the founding ideals of our nation and look up to the skies to see the beautiful fireworks, may we also look upwards to the enduring values and ideals that define beauty in relationships and work to embody them each and every day.

Happy 4th of July to all!

     (Some of you who have been long time readers of this may realize that this is an updated version of a column I wrote in 2010).

Change: Planned and Unplanned

Change tends to come in one of two ways-planned or unplanned.  It is a given that unplanned changes will be stressful.  A job loss, an unexpected health diagnosis, an accident, the sudden death of a friend or loved one or the sudden end to a relationship are of course some of the most stressful events any of us can encounter in our lives.  No one ever plans or chooses such events, which of course only adds to the stress created by these types of changes. What is perhaps not as well understood is that even changes that are planned, those that are chosen for very positive reasons and are happily anticipated, can also be very stressful.  Beginning a new romantic relationship, starting a new job, moving to a new community, adding a baby to the family, retiring, adding new staff to an organization, beginning a school year, or joining the military are all changes, while planned and chosen, can come with their own fair share of stress.

We at Living Compass are currently in the midst of many planned changes, which are not without their share of stress.  You may have already noticed one of our changes, as this week's column features an updated look for our logo.  In addition to a new look, we are in the midst of a major expansion of our wellness resources for adults, teens, parents, and families. We are extremely excited about the changes that we are making at Living Compass and grateful that they are needed as they are being made in response to the tremendous growth we have experienced in requests for our resources and programs. Nevertheless, there is still stress as we change and grow with the addition of new staff and new programs.

Allow me to introduce the "J" Curve, the single most helpful concept in explaining why change, both planned and unplanned, creates stress.  The "J" Curve, pictured above,  has a vertical axis showing "Stability" and a horizontal axis showing "Openness/Growth."  The dotted line shows the trajectory we would like to see when positive change is planned and freely  chosen.  We expect that such change will put us on a path where each day we will feel better than the day before.  While we may expect positive, planned change to follow this path, the reality is that all change, even positive change, initially creates a period of instability.  This is shown perfectly by the "J" Curve as it illustrates that the initial movement toward openness and growth is accompanied by an initial decrease in stability.

In the Book of Exodus, found in the Old Testament, we read a story of a group of people who find themselves in the midst of a "J" Curve.  Moses is leading his followers on an exodus out of years of bondage under a dictator in Egypt, an exodus -a change- that the people choose and are initially excited to be making.  The journey to freedom takes Moses and his followers through the wilderness of a "J" Curve. Eventually their excitement wanes and the people get frustrated that the journey is not the path that they had expected.  At one point, when they are discouraged and are losing hope, they announce that they want to turn back to the the life they had so much wanted to escape.  They were at the bottom of their "J" Curve and they wanted to go back.  They wanted to go back to the stability, the status quo of their previous bondage, because they perceived it to be more stable and familiar, better than the struggle they were currently experiencing.  As the story goes, they resist the urge to go back and forge ahead with new determination and eventually  experience the promise of a new life. They lived through the worst of the "J" Curve process, came up the other side, and were then able to enjoy the benefits of their hard work and determination.

Living Compass is in the midst of a "J" Curve.  Perhaps you are, too.  Maybe your "J" Curve is one that has been planned, or maybe it was not.  Either way, it is helpful to know that all change initially creates instability and yet in order to experience growth, we must be willing to persevere through the times of stress that naturally come with change.  Such perseverance is greatly aided by the support of others and by the support of one's hope and knowledge that such times of stress and change are not signs that things are falling apart, but rather are signs that things are coming together in a new and different way.  This very understanding can help us develop the patience and perspective needed to move through the challenging times of transition, planned and unplanned, that we all face.

Dadisms: Timeless Wisdom From the Men in Our Lives

Last month we received very positive feedback about our Mother's Day column featuring "Momisms".  Several people emailed us and shared some of their own favorite momisms while others, anticipating a similar Father's Day column, shared some of their favorite dadisms.  So as not to disappoint, here are a few favorite dadisms, each with a brief application highlighting the wisdom they contain, as it applies to personal and family wellness. Of course both momisms and dadisms can be spoken by either parent, as well as by other important adults in the lives of children. This week we offer them however, with a special spirit of gratitude to all the fathers, uncles, grandfathers, and other male mentors in our lives who imparted these timeless bits of wisdom.

Money doesn't grow on trees.  This common saying submitted by a reader is a good reminder that just about anything we wish to achieve requires perseverance and sacrifice.  Good health doesn't grow on trees.  Healthy relationships don't grow on trees.  A strong spiritual life doesn't grow on trees.  Good grades don't grow on trees. Even money in the bank doesn't just happen. Each of these "fruits" are the result of habits and disciplines practiced over an extended period of time.

  If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all.  Another reader shared this bit of wisdom that her Dad regularly shared with her.  Curtailing our negative and hurtful words about others is a habit that can be practiced over time.   It takes a great deal of energy to be negative, energy that is better spent instead being a voice for positive growth and change, and helping to create positive, healthy relationships.

It will work out in the end.  The reader who shared this dadism remembers his father saying this to him when he was going through a hard time in his early 20's.  He said he appreciated that his father didn't minimize the fact that he was, in fact, going through a hard time, while at the same time his father provided hope for him that things would work out in the end.  Offering honest hope to others is a true gift.

A little dirt never hurt anyone. This is a classic dadism from my own father.  This would be said when a fork, or a plate, or even a piece of food dropped on the ground or floor.  There are perhaps two important lessons here: You are tougher and stronger than you think you are and, and things don't have to be perfect to be enjoyed.

Don't forget to check the oil.  This saying reminds us about the importance of preventative actions in maintaining wellness.  Checking the "oil" of our physical wellness means getting regular check-ups and addressing problems as soon as they arise.  Checking the "oil" in our family relationships means being proactive about keeping those relationships strong. All types of "checking the oil" help us avoid more  "expensive repairs" down the road.

I'm so proud of you.  Some men have a hard time saying the words "I love you" and so they substitute others expressions of affection like "I'm so proud of you." However this pride and love was expressed, it meant the world to us, and is a reminder of how important it is to express our affection for one another.

So in honor of all the men, be they fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or other important male figures in our lives who have loved us and continue to love is, Happy Father's Day!

We would love to hear your favorite Dadism.  Please post it on our Living Compass Facebook page, or email to us at scott@livingcompass.org.

A Time to Work, and A Time to Play

Every week I ride the Amtrak train between Milwaukee and Chicago, as I live in Milwaukee but work much of the time in downtown Chicago.  The train ride, only 90 minutes in duration, is a great part of my week.  I look forward to my train time because it allows me 90 minutes of uninterrupted time to focus on work I need to get done.  There is even a “quiet car” on the train where no cell phone use and no loud conversations are allowed, providing working folks like myself a quiet environment.  Within a few minutes of sitting down, my laptop is out and I get in such a work flow that I hardly notice that ninety minutes has passed and we are pulling into Union Station in Chicago. My ride this week was a completely different kind of experience.  I boarded the train early and decided not to sit in the quiet car, as the train wasn’t crowded and seemed pretty quiet.  I was so engrossed in my work that when the train pulled out of the station I became aware that there was something very different going on around me.  I looked up from my laptop and there to my great surprise was a group of people I rarely see on the train, a group of young children and their parents!

School is out and nothing beats a day trip with children to Chicago to visit the museums, Millennium Park, the zoo, and the tall buildings. Now I love children, but I must confess that my first reaction on the train that morning was to get up and move to the quiet car, where surely there would be no children and I could get back in my work flow.  Something in me told me not to move, though, and so I stayed put and ended up having a delightfully different kind of train ride to Chicago.

I kept my laptop out, but didn’t  work more than ten minutes throughout the entire ride.  Instead, I sat back and just watched and listened to all the children that were all around me.  I never did learn whether they were all riding the train for the first time or not, but I’m guessing they were, as they shrieked with delight almost the entire way.  “Look, look we are crossing a river right now!” “Hey everybody, I see horses out the window over here!” “Whoa, look how tall those buildings are!” “I wonder how strong the engine must be to pull all of us.”

I loved watching the kids and soaking in their unbridled enthusiasm for all that they were taking in.  Without realizing it I had soon entered a different state of flow, a play flow as opposed to a work flow.  Here I was riding the same train I always ride, but I was now experiencing it through the eyes of children and it was therefore a completely different experience for me.  I didn’t plan this experience, it simply arrived as a gift.  It was a gift I almost missed by moving to the quiet car, but thankfully I listened to that voice that told me to stay put.

I share this experience with you because the reason these children were on the train is that school is out and summer has started. As we all travel into this season of summer, perhaps my experience can be a reminder of the many opportunities that summer uniquely provides for all of us to play.  If there are children in your life, or just children whose presence you get to enjoy the way I did on the train, perhaps they can help you, as they helped me, access the spirit of wonder and play that is within us all and is so important to our well-being.  Or perhaps it is just as simple as taking time to connect with the inner child within each of us that in years gone by filled our summer days with seemingly endless spontaneous play.

Of course for the rest of the summer now, I will have to make a choice when I board the train.  Do I head for quiet car so I can maximize my work flow, or do I choose to sit where the children are and maximize my play flow?  I imagine I will sometimes choose one and sometimes the other, because we know, “to everything there is a season….”  Yet summer seems like the perfect season to remember the importance of spontaneous play and to choose it more often than not.

Leading Well

The news was not good this week for two leaders in the public eye. First we learned that Dennis Hastert, former Speaker of the House, was indicted for allegedly structuring bank withdrawals to evade bank reporting requirements and then making false statements to federal investigators all to cover up a thirty year old act of sexual misconduct with a minor. A few days later we learned that Sepp Blatter, president of the world soccer organization FIFA, announced his resignation in the midst of an investigation involving accusations of immense corruption and scandal for the organization he has led the last seventeen years. Such stories of corrupt leaders are not uncommon, but as a person who thinks a great deal about the topic of wellness, when I hear stories like these, I always pause to wonder about how and why such leaders end up becoming corrupt. When a leader is exposed as having engaged in unethical behavior, whether it is in the field of religion, politics, education, public service, medicine, sports, or public service, I often hear people exclaim, “This person had to have known that what he or she was doing was unethical.” Most leaders have probably completed numerous courses on ethics and are well aware that their actions are unethical. They are simply hoping not to get caught.

I believe that what causes leaders to fail ethically is not a lack of knowledge about what is unethical, but a lack of wellness and integration. When a leader is not well, when he or she is experiencing a hidden sense of inadequacy, shame, or emptiness, he or she is vulnerable to developing an addiction to money, drugs and alcohol, power, or sex. The pattern of leading an unethical life does not usually emerge overnight, but develops gradually through months and years of making small, dishonorable decisions, at work or at home. This process is then minimized or denied by the person who, if they were well, would certainly “know better.”

What I am talking about here is the inner life of a leader. Because much of public leadership is, well, public, it is easy to get drawn into a leader’s public gifts and personality. It is easy to think that we know a public leader based on his or her public persona, but the truth is that the real character of a leader is revealed by his or her inner life and only those who are closest to the leader know if he or she is leading from a place of integration and wellness. Eventually, we will all find out if a leader is living an integrated life or not, because as with Hastert and Blatter, the truth always comes out.

Whether we are public leaders or not, the truth of this applies to all of us. Each of us has ethical values that help us make decisions, which for many of us are grounded in our religious faith. These values serve as a compass to guide the important decisions in our lives. The public failings of leaders are a reminder to us all that in order to stay true to these values we need to develop daily habits and disciplines that keep us emotionally and spiritually centered and well. We also need to be grounded in a community of relationships that provide honest feedback to us if and when we are starting to make decisions that are out of alignment with our values.

There is no pleasure to be found when it is revealed that a trusted leader’s life is not integrated and begins to unravel, but it does serve to remind us that living an integrated life, a life where our spirituality and values are integrated into and inform all of our daily decisions, requires humility and diligence for all of us.