Inspired By Our Graduates

I love graduations and graduation parties. While I won’t personally be attending any such gatherings this year, I love to see the pictures and hear the stories about the graduations of other people’s children, friends, nieces and nephews, and grandchildren. I find myself being moved just hearing stories about the graduation celebrations. As I reflect a little further on why I love graduations so much, I realize that I love them because they so clearly celebrate two values that I hold in high esteem. The first value is the importance of community. Of all the pictures I have seen of graduates so far this year, I notice that it is rare to see one that does not include other people standing with the graduate. It might be a relative standing with the graduate, or a favorite teacher. It might also be other classmates who have walked with the graduate toward his or her special day.

What these photos confirm is that graduates have not achieved their goals on their own. It takes a village to support a graduate. Others have made sacrifices for the graduate to succeed and without a community of support it is not likely the graduation that is being celebrated would be occurring.

The second value that graduations celebrate is the value of self-discipline. A supportive community, while necessary, is not sufficient in of itself to get a person to graduation. Each graduate also needs to develop the habit of self-discipline. Self-discipline can be defined as the ability to exchange the pleasure of short-term gratification for longer-term goals. So graduations are not just celebrations of acquired knowledge, but also of the fact that the graduate has acquired the habit of self-discipline.

Graduations are typically celebrated at the end of a multi-year process and thus indicate that the graduate has learned to practice self-discipline over an extended period of time. The graduates have formed the kind of daily habits that have allowed them to accomplish in this longer-term achievement.

Graduations are probably so moving to me because the two values that they celebrate are in fact two of the values that we all need in order to experience the fullness that life has to offer. Community and self-discipline are essential for all of us, not just for those attending school. With the combination of self-discipline and a supportive community, any of us can learn and grow in all kinds of ways. Self-discipline and a supportive community are keys to our spiritual, emotional, physical, relational, and vocational wellness.

So let’s celebrate with great delight the graduates in our lives! And as we do, may we also remember that these graduates can inspire us to reach for some of our own goals.   Is there an important long-term goal that you have? If so, then the chances are that you, too, can best reach that goal through a combination of practicing self-discipline and surrounding yourself with a supportive community.

Remembering Those Who Make What We Do Possible

David Letterman signed off the air this week after hosting 6,028 episodes of The Late Show over 33 years. The guest lists for the two nights prior to his final show were announced well in advance, but the line up for his last night was kept a secret, and suspense built throughout the week as to who would appear on Dave’s final show.  

I watched his last two shows in their entirety. I watched the second to last show because Bob Dylan, arguably the greatest songwriter of modern times, was scheduled to appear and I watched the last show because I too was curious to see who would be featured in his closing episode. To my surprise, the only famous celebrities that appeared on the final show were ten people, each of whom contributed just a single line to the final “Top Ten” list, “The top ten things I’ve always wanted to say to Dave.” Some of the guest celebrities that contributed to this list included Steve Martin, Barbara Walters, Tina Fey, Peyton Manning, and Bill Murray.

What impressed me most about Dave’s final show was that by far the longest segment featured a taped tribute to all the people who have worked tirelessly behind the scenes all those years to help him succeed. This segment was framed as a “day in the life” for the Late Show and showed Dave interacting with all the people who come to work with him everyday but are never seen on the air.

At first I wondered why he was taking all of his precious last minutes of air time showing us people none of us have ever seen before--air time that could have been used to parade more celebrities across the stage. Later in the show, however, as Dave thanked all the behind scenes people that he had featured in his long clip, he explained why he had given them center stage on the last show. Then I understood. He explained that without all of these people behind him he would have not been so funny and he would not have been able to enjoy the success he has enjoyed in front of the camera. He went on to say that these people, the ones we had never seen, deserve all the credit because, in reality, they had worked a lot harder on the show all these years than he had. Dave then thanked his wife and son who were in the audience along with his mother, now 94 years old, of whom he showed a picture as she used to make regular appearances on the show. He thanked all of them for being such a supportive family.

The lesson for me in all of this is the importance of taking time to remember and to thank all the people who make many of the good things in our lives possible and those who support us in ways we don’t always acknowledge. This lesson seems perfectly timed as we, as a nation, prepare to celebrate Memorial Day. All of our lives are possible because of people who have gone before us, working and making sacrifices so that we can enjoy the lives we have.

Who are the behind the scenes people in your life, the people that make what you do and who you are possible? How might you remember them and give thanks to them for what they have done or what they are currently doing? Some of them may have passed on, but we can still pause, remember, and give thanks for what they have done as well.

Much like the crew at the Late Show these people in our lives may go unseen and unacknowledged. This weekend however offers us an opportunity to remember to thank others around us who help and support our successes. While we are doing this it is equally important for all of us to stop and thank the service men and women who now and in the past have served our country, often out of or sight, honoring in particular on Memorial Day those who have given their lives to make our lives possible.

There is an African proverb that reminds us “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to create and host a life. What could be a better way to celebrate Memorial Day than to remember and thank those who have given so much to help us succeed on the stages of our own lives, those behind the scenes?

A Safe Place to Learn and Grow

I start this week with an invitation to you to play a quick round of Jeopardy, I will share several "answers" and see if you can come up with the correct question. This version of Jeopardy is slightly different than the TV version in that all of these answers are answers to just one question. Here are the answers-now see if you can come up with the question that goes with all of these answers.

• A place where some 82,000 Native American youth in 25 states can go for youth development programs.
• An organization with locations in over 1,500 schools, where youth can stay and attend after school program during the school year and benefit from programming over the summer as well.
• An organization that impacts over 4 million children and teens every year in 4,100 different locations throughout the US. A place where children of American military personnel on over 400 military bases can gather for care, and support while their parents serve their country.
• An organization with locations in over 300 public housing locations, engaging and guiding children and teens right in their neighborhoods.
• An organization that counts as some of its alumni people like Denzel Washington, Jennifer Lopez, Earvin "Magic" Johnson, General Wesley Clark, Martin Sheen, Usher, Ashanti, Shaun White, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jim Collins (a keynote speaker at this year's conference).
• An organization whose purpose is to provide "a safe place to learn and grow--all while having fun," for all of it's children.
• The logo for this organization appears at the top of the column.

And the question is..."What is the Boys & Girls Clubs of America?"

Excuse me if I'm a little excited about this organization, but my wife, Holly, and I have just spent two days at the Boys & Girls Clubs of America (BGCA) National Conference in Chicago and we are inspired! 2,500 leaders in BGCA clubs from all fifty states came together for two days of workshops on leadership and program development. A primary focus this year was how to best serve teens in our communities.

Holly and I had the joy of speaking with hundreds of BGCA staff, board members, and volunteers who have dedicated themselves to giving children and youth "a safe place to learn and grow," many for several decades. Living Compass is honored to be working with the Boys & Girls Club of Milwaukee, WI as they are using our Living Compass Wellness Program for Teens to support their work in helping kids make good choices and building strong character. They suggested we attend this conference so we could connect with other clubs around the country who are also working to help youth navigate their way to a better future.

One of the things I learned at the conference this week and that was most inspiring is that the BGCA has set a goal of getting the youth it serves to provide a total of 1 million hours of community service nation wide annually. I had thought that the BGCA solely provided community service to those it serves. In reality, the BGCA is asking the youth it serves to turn around and offer 1 million hours of community service to others. This service might include writing letters to troops serving far away, organizing a food or coat drive, distributing flyers for a community non-profit, or volunteering at an animal shelter. The Boys and Girls Club knows, and research shows, that community service is the ideal "curriculum" for character development and that youth involved in community service are more likely to graduate from high school and are more likely to avoid risk-taking behavior.

Now that is a wellness lesson for all of us, youth and adults alike. Community service truly is an ideal curriculum for character development. When we make time to serve others, when we give of our time, energy, and financial resources to make a difference in our communities, it makes a positive difference in our own emotional and spiritual wellness, as well.

The Boys and Girls Club of America knows that community service helps to create "safe places to learn and grow." Connecting with a BGCA in your community is just one way to be involved in community service, there are obviously countless others. What is one way you, with your unique gifts and talents, you can give back to your community?

It may not be in a Boys and Girls Club but, if you are looking for a way to make a difference in your community, or if you are just looking to be inspired to make a difference in your community, I highly recommend a visit to your local Boys & Girls Club. If your experience is anything like ours this week, you will surely be inspired to do more to serve and make a positive difference in your community.

Thank you Boys and Girls Club for the inspiration!

Momisms: Wisdom To Live By, Then and Now

It's time for Living Compass' annual Mother's Day column where we reflect on "Momisms," the classic things moms and the other nurturing women in our lives often say, and how these "Momisms" often contain profound wellness principles. These wellness principles are as true for us today as they were when we were children. So here, in no particular order, are a few of classic "Momisms" with a brief reflection on how each these says still provide great wisdom for us years later. "I don't care what everybody else is doing, you are not everybody else!"

The wisdom embedded in this comment is as true for adults as it is for children. Comparing ourselves to others, wanting to be like others or wanting what others have can be a source of great anxiety and worry. The second half of this "Momism," "you are not everybody else" is a reminder that we are each an experiment of one, each traveling our own unique journey in life.

When I am coaching people regarding wellness habits and goals, it is common for them to say something like, "I know I should do such and such...." Most often this comes from a sense that they should be doing what they see others doing. If their friends are doing hot yoga or keeping a gratitude journal then they think they should do those things as well.

Trying to live a certain way or making a certain change because we think we should, or because everybody else is doing it, is rarely effective. What is effective is listening to our inner wisdom and discovering what our own inner longings are for enhancing our life and pursuing those longings, whether or not "everybody else" is doing it or thinks it is a good idea.

"I don't care who started it ..."

The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who amongst us hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than we have spent resolving the problem?

Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game" and when we are caught up in doing that, we are communicating that we believe that we have little or no responsibility for the problem at hand. This is rarely true as in every problem between people, each person plays some part in creating the tension. It is not as important to figure out who started a problem at work or at home as it is to be part of the solution, and that is surely a more productive way to spend our time and energy.

"Don't keep making that face, or one of these days it will freeze that way!"

This exaggeration contains some great wellness wisdom. The behaviors we choose over time become habits, and habits always create consequences. If I regularly am in a hurry, for instance, and don't have time for friends or family, I may become frozen in that habit. This will inevitably impact my relationships, I may even become seen as a person who is rude or unkind. No one wants a bad frozen face, so as Moms say, try not to make a bad face in the first place.

"Be sure to wash behind your ears, because when people are sitting behind you they will notice if there is dirt back there."

We are sometimes unaware of how others see us because it is hard for us to see "dirt behind our own ears." It is easy to have an idealized image of ourselves, forgetting that we all have a little "dirt" behind our ears. I have found that it is not uncommon for someone to seek help because someone else has a problem, not recognizing his or her own contribution to the problem. Others come because someone near them has asked them to do so, they have seen the "dirt" and the person now wants to clean things up. We are often the last ones to be aware of what others are seeing and how we are affecting others with our behaviors.

"Please call me when you get there so I know you arrived safely."

Although when we were children we probably rolled our eyes and thought our Mom's were annoying and/or controlling, this sweet request is an expression of love and concern. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference when we look out for one another. Wellness is rooted in our connections with others. Stay connected and let others know where you are, literally and figuratively.

So in honor of Mother's Day may we all pause and give thanks for all the mothers and other nurturing women in our lives who have taught us these and other important lessons about wellness.

The Best Time to Start a Conversation

Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that if ignored, it would simply go away or get better on it's own." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. I am reminded of the proverb that states, "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation is several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be talked about. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have heard myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat, is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. One only needs to think of what has been happening in Baltimore as a recent example.

Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are no doubt many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is because there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a hard conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some important changes that we need to make.

Significant growth and significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations though, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future, by starting that conversation today.