Love Heals

I'm not usually moved to tears when listening to a person speaking to room of a hundred people, but I was so moved earlier this week when I had the privilege to hear one of the most moving and inspiring stories of healing I have ever heard. Ty, a woman in her late 40's, shared her story with over a hundred clergy from the Episcopal Diocese of Chicago as part of our annual clergy conference.

     Ty was a victim of physical and sexual abuse as a child. She ran away from her violent home at the age of fifteen, soon finding that the only way she could survive on the streets was to sell her body. In order to endure the pain and degradation of prostitution she soon turned to drugs and quickly became addicted to heroin. The next twenty-five years of her life consisted of a repeating cycle of despair. The cycle consisted of getting arrested, going to prison, getting clean, and then, because she had no safe place to return to when she was released from prison, getting arrested again for prostitution or selling drugs. As these were the only ways she knew how to survive at that point in her life, the cycle would start all over again.

   There was only one thing powerful enough to break this cycle for her, and that was the power of love. Six years ago, Ty experienced love for the first time in her life through a residential program for women in such despair entitled Magdalene. The Magdalene program, located in Nashville, Tennessee, was started in 1997 by Becca Stevens, an Episcopal priest and chaplain at Vanderbilt University. There are now Magdalene houses and programs across the country serving other women like Ty. The motto for the Magdalene program is, "love heals," because that is exactly what happens for the women in the program.

The Thistle Farms website (www.thistlefarms.org) offers the following description of the Magdalene program:

Magdalene is a residential program for women who have survived lives of prostitution, trafficking, addiction and life on the streets. Thistle Farms is our social enterprise where many of our women are employed.

For two years, we offer housing, food, medical and dental needs, therapy, education and job training without charging the residents or receiving government funding.

Our six homes function without 24-hour live-in staff, relying on residents to create a supportive community, maintain recovery, and share household tasks. 

   Ty shared with us her story of healing.  She reported that what healed her, slowly but surely, was the love of other women who had also been healed through the Magdalene program.  Ty has healed her addictions and her deep wounds of abuse, and is now helping other women do the same. Ty now works in the social enterprise arm of the Magdalene Program, called Thistle Farms, which employs over fifty women who have graduated from the program. Thistle Farms, run entirely by the women from the Magdalene program, produces and sells lotion, shampoo, candles, and lip balm through its online store and through over 250 retail stores, including Whole Foods.

   Ty's story is every one of our stories--if not the part about abuse and life on the streets, then certainly the part about how love heals. Each of us can tell our own stories of when we were hurting in some way or another and what healed us was love. As important as it is to hear and remember the stories of how love heals, though, it is even more important to continue to write those stories in our own lives and the lives of others. May Ty's story inspire us all to do just that.

Connecting Soul and Role

If you are a baseball fan, you know that Derek Jeter retired this past Sunday after playing for the New York Yankees for the past twenty years. In those twenty years Jeter earned great respect through how he conducted himself both on and off the field. He was an ethical person the entire time and was never once involved in any sort of embarrassing incident. When asked about what influenced his high standard of on an d off field behavior, he replied, "I always have tried to treat people with respect, the way I want to be treated. I've always been very cautious with what I do. You know, that started at a young age. I always had the approach that I never wanted to embarrass my parents." Jeter will be remembered for two things--the role he played for twenty years on the New York Yankee team, and for the soul--the character and values, he embodied while playing that role. A dear friend of mine, Rick Oberheide, retired this past week after serving in ordained ministry for thirty-five years. The church from which he retired this week was one he has served for ten years, the last of many places around the world where he has served through the years. There was a wonderful celebration of his ministry this last Sunday at which people of the parish expressed their gratitude for the role he had played in their lives and for the soul--the character and values that he embodied during the ten years he lived and served in community with these people.

Just today I spoke with a mother who was sharing her grief around her last child leaving home this fall. She spoke of her grief knowing that while her role as mother was not ending, it was certainly shifting. She beamed as she talked about how much she has loved the role of mother, feeling that she was "made" for that role. In her own way, she was saying that her soul was made for that role.

One of the great delights in life is when our soul and our role are connected. We are blessed, when we truly love what we do and when what we do genuinely aligns with our soul, with our character and values. When we have been blessed to experience this alignment in a role, then it can be especially hard when that role ends. We need to take some time to grieve this type of transition, the loss of a beloved role, as Jeter, my friend Rick, and the mother I spoke with will surely do.

The good news is that although roles change throughout our lifetime, our soul endures. A beloved role may come to an end, but the soul will continue to whisper to us, guiding us toward new paths and new roles. We are wise to listen to those whispers, because when our role is aligned with our soul, not only will this serve us well, but it will serve the world around us well, too.

I wish Derek Jeter, my friend Rick, and the mother I spoke with today well as they let go of one role and begin to be open to potential new roles that will most likely emerge at some point for them. There is indeed grief in letting go of roles that we have loved, but at the same time there is great joy in following the soul's guidance to as we discover a new role in this wondrous life we live.

What new role might you be being called into today at home, at work, or in your community? New opportunities are all around us to connect our souls to important roles that only we can fill.

     If you would like to read more about "soul and role," I highly recommend Parker Palmer's writing on this subject, especially his book A Hidden Wholeness.

How to Avoid Bricking Your Life!

I learned a new vocabulary word this week and have had fun using it because I find it so unique. The word refers to "bricking" your phone. To brick one's cell phone means to damage the phone's ability to function to the point that it basically becomes useless, as useful as a brick. A bricked phone, like a brick itself, can be used as a paperweight, but that's about it. Any ability to make a call, receive an email, run apps, or go online is no longer possible if your cell phone is bricked. This phrase came to my attention when Apple released its new operating system, iOS 8, this past week which is now available as a free download to all iPhone users. I use my iPhone a great deal for work, to keep in touch with family and friends, to keep track of appointments, to keep up with email, and in a host of other ways and so I was initially excited about the fact that a new operating system was being released. I was looking forward to upgrading to the new operating system--or at least I was, until I started reading messages that warned that the new operating system could damage one's phone. The warning said that is some rare cases, phones were becoming "bricked," meaning that some users found that the operating system malfunctioned, rendering their phones useless.

All computers and cell phones require an operating system to function. The operating system runs all the time and is what enables all other functions of a computer or cell phone to happen. Every computer and cell phone comes with an operating system already installed and without it, it would not be able to function or be of use to its user. Most users of computers and cell phones simply use the operating systems that were originally installed with their devices and never make the effort to upgrade or improve their operating systems when the opportunity becomes available.

All of this thinking about operating systems for cell phones and computers got me to thinking about how you and I function as well. In a sense, each of us has an "operating system" which runs in the background of our lives and actually runs all the other functions of our lives. For you and I, that operating system is our core values, our spiritual beliefs, and the guiding principles that serve as the foundation for our lives.

If a person has an operating system that is based on loving one's neighbor as one's self then in all likelihood positive relationships will develop with friends, family, work, and with one's wider community. If on the other hand, a person has an operating system, a set of core values and beliefs, that is self-centered, believing that the point of life is to get the most and give the least, then relationships will suffer in all parts of his or her life. A person's operating system influences all other functions of that person's life--either positively or negatively. What can we learn from this? Just as with our phones, we can upgrade our personal operating systems any time we like. In fact, enhancing our spiritual and emotional lives requires us to do this on a regular basis. We do not have to use the operating system we are currently using if it is not serving us well. We each get to decide for ourselves what operating system we want to run our lives. But just as I learned about cell phones this week--be careful to choose wisely so that the operating system you install will indeed increase your functionality and enhance your life.

It's Not Just a Problem in the NFL

Years ago I attended a church picnic with my wife and kids.  It wasn't our home church, but a church I had occasionally preached at through the years and one we all enjoyed visiting.  It was the last place I expected to have to confront a derogatory and abusive comment about women. I remember standing with a group of men enjoying myself in the beautiful park where the picnic was being held.  One of the men in the group had his golden retriever with him and the dog was running around in circles, chasing its tail.  The owner remarked, “What can I say, she's such an idiot!”  One of the other men laughed, and added, “She's not an idiot, she's just having fun.”  I will never forget the dog owner's, response, “She IS an idiot--she doesn't have a brain in her head.  But what do you expect, after all, she's a female?”

I was so stunned and angry that I almost dropped the cold drink that was in my hand.  I looked the dog owner, who I knew was married and had two young daughters, in the eye and I said with a fair amount of intensity, “I am extremely offended by what you have just said. I can't let that kind of comment pass without telling you that I find what you said to be disrespectful and abusive toward women.”  I had just met this man a minute earlier and so I had no idea how he would respond.  “Lighten up buddy,” he replied, “it was just a joke.  You know, just a joke amongst us guys, no harm intended.”  I concluded our conversation with my strongly held opinion, “Disrespectful, abusive comments about women are not funny in any way, shape, or form.”

Domestic violence is in the news with the recent headlines coming from the National Football League.  We should not be surprised that the NFL has a problem with domestic violence.  Why?  Because the NFL is simply a reflection of our larger American culture, a culture where all types of domestic violence continue to occur at an alarming rate.  One in every four women in America will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  1.3 million American women experience physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Thousands of children are abused each day.  Most of these domestic violence incidents are never reported to the police.

Perhaps the current NFL crisis regarding domestic violence can help raise our awareness of the larger problem that domestic violence permeates every aspect of our society. We know domestic violence happens in every part of our society, regardless of economic status, education, race, religion, or age.

Domestic violence against women and children is not limited only to physical assault.  Verbal abuse and intimidation also constitutes domestic violence.  Most people who physically abuse others begin the cycle of abuse with verbal and emotional intimidation; angry outbursts, name-calling, swearing, and such.  Even when verbal abuse and intimidation does not escalate to physical violence, it is still abuse.  This is why I reacted so strongly to the dog owner at the picnic.  I experienced his comment as being on a continuum of abuse.  I felt I had to speak up because I needed to confront the kind of mindsets and attitudes about women that can give rise to domestic violence, whether physical or verbal.  I would have reacted the same say if he had spoken in an abusive manner about a child, as mean-spirited language sets the stage for other types of disrespectful and abusive behaviors.

“Use your words, not your fists” is helpful advice that many parents have given to their young children at some point in their upbringing.  As children get older, it becomes important to teach them also that there are right and wrong ways to use words.  We adults are wise to remember as well that speaking words that are derogatory, abusive, or intimidating is never appropriate, and can be as hurtful as using one's fists.

We may be quick to judge what is currently happening in the NFL.  It would be so easy to adopt a self-righteous attitude toward the culture of the NFL and how it has long denied or minimized the issue of domestic violence perpetrated by its players.  My hope, though, is that we can use this current crisis as an opportunity to reflect on ways in which we, too, could be part of a pattern of denying and minimizing the issue of domestic violence in our communities. I hope we can use this opportunity to look at our own homes and at our own relationships, taking an honest look at how we speak to and about others, and how we treat one another.   Might our words or actions be hurtful to others and to our relationship with them? How could we change that? Let's take this opportunity for honest self-reflection and take action if need be.

Let's work together to use our words to speak up, and to speak out, against domestic violence in all forms.

For more information on this important issue visit the website for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  http://www.ncadv.org

Gradually, Then Suddenly

This week I had the honor to co-facilitate with three of my colleagues a two and half day Fierce Conversations workshop for leaders in the Episcopal Church. The Fierce Conversations materials, which include two books and a series of other leadership resources, have had great success and popularity in the business community and are now being used in schools and churches. You can learn more about Fierce Conversations at www.fierceinc.com. One of the most important principles taught in the Fierce Conversations materials is based on a line from an Ernest Hemmingway novel. In Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises, a character is asked how he went bankrupt. He answers, "Gradually, then suddenly." Most problems, including bankruptcy, develop gradually and then...suddenly. Fierce Conversations takes this idea and expands it to matters other than one's financial stability, stating, "Our work, our relationships, and, in fact, our very lives succeed or fail, gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time."

There is much to unpack in this statement but here I would simply like to focus on the phrase, "gradually then suddenly." Most of the time when we experience a "suddenly" in our lives, that "suddenly" follows weeks, months, years, or even decades of "gradually." As problems develop gradually, it is easy to choose not to have the conversations that need to be had, or to make the changes that need to be made. It seems easier in the short run to ignore the whispers and hope the problem will go away. Problems never seem like a big deal in the "gradual" stage. "Gradually" can easily be minimized because each step of "gradually" does not seem that significant at the time.

The problem only becomes a big deal when "gradually" becomes "suddenly." That "suddenly" could be when a person gets a DUI arrest, a partner has an affair, a person loses their job after years of under performing, a child is suspended from school for using drugs, or a person experiences a health crisis following years of ignoring warning signs. The riots in Ferguson, MO last month are an example of a "suddenly" that happened following years of not resolving or taking seriously underlying issues and tensions. Whenever a "suddenly" happens, things can no longer be minimized and must be addressed to move forward.

It is also worth noting that this same truth applies to growth and positive changes that we make. It may seem like any of the following happen "suddenly." A person gets the promotion they have been working for years, a person learns to play a complex piece of music, or a congregation "suddenly" experiences growth. The reality is that while these changes may appear to happen "suddenly" they are in fact due to many small choices and changes that were made "gradually" over a longer period of time. When we are working to create positive change in our lives, the gradual things we do each day, each week, each year, may seem like they are not all that significant--that is until the positive change "suddenly" crystallizes.

Is there a "gradually" in your life that you avoiding that needs to be tended to before it turns into a "suddenly?" Might it be related to work, family, a friend, or your own well-being? Is there a positive "gradually" that you would like to start in motion somewhere in your life such as at work, within your family, with a friend, or for your own well-being? If so, why not start today? Keep positive even if your progress seems slow and gradual, because in the end, there really is no other path to "suddenly" than "gradually."