Of Camp and Love

Our daughter, Lindsey, married Alex, the love of her life, this past weekend. The wedding took place at Camp Jorn, a 100-year-old YMCA camp located in the beautiful wilderness of northern Wisconsin. There the guests enjoyed four days of fun together over the long Labor Day weekend. The wedding was held in the outdoor chapel at the camp, a chapel that was more like a pine cathedral, with seating built into the side of a hill that allowed for a beautiful view of the lake. The fact that the sun was beginning to set during the ceremony only added to the splendor of the moment.

I was honored to be asked by Lindsey and Alex to share some words of reflection during the ceremony. So, given that it is still hard for me to think about anything other than the wedding even now, I would like to share a little bit of my reflection here.

I spoke about how a beautiful camp setting like Camp Jorn is a great metaphor for love and marriage in several ways. First, while every camp has a history that speaks of those who had the vision and commitment to start the camp, it is important to note that the beautiful, natural setting in which the camp resides is a gift from the Creator. The founders of a camp created a vision to protect the natural beauty, to put boundaries around it and preserve it, but there is no mistake that the magnificence of the natural beauty is God's doing. Love is like this, too. Love is a gift from the Creator, the source of all love. In a commitment like marriage we create a vision together, putting a boundary around the love that we have discovered in and through each other. At the same time, we promise to be stewards of the ongoing gift of that love.

Camp Jorn's long history, is a reminder that we are always dependent on the generosity of the generations before us and this serves as a metaphor as well for love and marriage. The founding members of Camp Jorn have passed on, and yet their spirit and vision continues to guide the camp. So it is with marriage. Each couple begins their life together as the recipients of generations of love and guidance. Some of those generations are still alive and are often present at a wedding, while others have passed on, but continue to be spiritually present. While receiving much from past generations, each generation, of course, needs to create a vision that is a fresh expression of all that they have received, one that has continuity with the past, but has an openness to creating a future that is uniquely their own.

Finally, if you talk with anyone who has enjoyed, or is currently enjoying the gift of being able to attend camp, you will hear them speak with great delight about what the experience means to them. Going to camp is not just about going to a place, but is as much about having an experience. Camp is where you can let down, relax, and feel free to be fully yourself. It is a place where you are not graded, judged, or evaluated. It is a place where you are accepted for who you are. You don't have to be "normal" at camp and you don't have to try and fit it. Camp brings out the best of who you are. Camp is thus truly re-creative for body and soul.

Is not all of this the perfect description for the ideals of what love and marriage can be as well? Ideally, love and marriage are where you go to experience the joy of being fully yourself. Ideally, in love and marriage, you are not graded, judged, or evaluated and you don't have to try to be "normal." Ideally, in love and marriage you are accepted for who you are and there is a commitment to bring out the best of who you are. Ideally, love and marriage are truly re-creative for those who involved.

Thanks for letting me share a bit of what we were blessed to experience this past weekend and how we connected our camp experience to the experience of being married. We all left camp inspired to live these ideals of love in all of our meaningful relationships--marriage, friendship, family, and community.

Learning How To Shift

Our daughter is getting married this weekend and we could not be more excited.  Because all of my attention is focused on getting ready for this wonderful celebration, I am sharing a previous column that I wrote four years ago.  This column is about transitions, and so these words are certainly helpful for me and our family, and I hope they are helpful to any of you who are going through a transition in your life right now.  

A good friend of our family was in town recently for a conference.  While visiting, she was excited to tell us that she had recently decided to take up road biking so that she could ride with her husband, who is already an experienced biker.  My friend works out on a regular basis and certainly knows how to ride a bike, and so she anticipated that she would adapt quite quickly to her new sport.  It turned out she was both right and wrong about that. She found it easy to ride the bike, but quite difficult to figure out the shifting.  Her new road bike has 21 gears or speeds and she had never ridden a bike with more than three  previously.  First, she had to figure out what the left had shifters controlled versus the right hand shifters.  She had to figure out how to get into gear 5 or gear 14 or gear 21.  This was hard enough, but there was more to learn.  Next she had to learn out on the open road, when to use what gear.  What gear do you use to go down a hill or up a hill?  When do you shift into a lower gear as you approach a hill?  She found if she shifted either too early or too late she lost valuable momentum and the climb up the hill become much more difficult.  She eventually realized that she could only learn the art of shifting through miles and miles of experience on her bike.  There was no simple formula of when to use which gear, but rather she would have to get the “feel” of when  it was the right time to shift into a different gear.  She was excited to report that in just the three weeks since she had purchased her bike, she was already making good progress. During our visit our friend was also telling us about her son who is going off to college later this month.   The topic had now changed to a whole different kind of shifting.  A big hill is just ahead for my friend and her husband, and their son.   Since neither of them have done this before, the shifting is bound to be a bit awkward at first. I remember when each of our children went off to school.  I tried to pretend like I could ride right through this transition and I minimized the amount of shifting that would be required.  Of course when I did this, I soon found myself out of breath, and forced to slow down and give this important transition the time it would take to work through. When it comes to our emotional and spiritual wellness, the more gears we have available to us, the better off we will be.  Knowing when to slow down and when to speed up, and learning the art of shifting back and forth between the full range of emotions, from sorrow to joy, will help us better negotiate the hills and valleys we face. Learning to gracefully accept that “to everything there is a season” is the heart of much wisdom and wellness. There is one more thing that every cyclist soon learns that also has direct application to wellness.  Biking long distances is made much easier when you ride with a group, because each person takes turns breaking the wind for those behind.  As you and I continue to perfect the art of shifting in our lives, may we also remember the importance of finding others with whom we can share the ride.

For Everything There Is A Season

I love this time of the year for two very specific reasons--fresh corn and fresh tomatoes.  Between local roadside farm stands and our weekly CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) delivery we have been blessed with an abundance of both fresh corn and fresh tomatoes this past week.  Here in Wisconsin, the window of opportunity to enjoy these fruits of the earth is small and so we take full delight in them while we can. I think that part of the reason we truly appreciate the delicacies of fresh corn and  tomatoes is the very fact that their availability is so time-limited.  If these treats were available year round it would be far too easy to take them for granted and not savor them so fully.

There is a valuable lesson for me in this  and that is the importance of learning to fully appreciate the abundance that the present moment  has to offer, whatever that may be.  I believe that every moment of life and every season of life has something wonderful and unique to offer.  We simply need to have the mindfulness to discover what that is and to truly appreciate it.  Living well means being able to delight in the current fruit of what life has to offer us at any given moment, knowing at the same time, that it will not last for ever.

As you delight in the abundance of the fresh fruits of the earth this time of year, I invite you to expand your thinking to other areas of your life.  What other abundance is present in your life right now that perhaps will only be present for this moment in time or this season of your life?  How can you be more aware and appreciative of this abundance, knowing that it will not last forever?

In the Old Testament, in the book of Ecclesiastes, it says, “For everything there is a season...a time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  While it doesn't include a line about “A time for fresh corn, and a time for fresh tomatoes” the implication of the rest of the passage is clear.  Live in a way such that you fully accept and appreciate what each season of life has to offer.  Take nothing for granted and savor the moment.

    **I want to express my gratitude for the many people who responded to last week's column about depression.  Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability as you shared how this disease has affected you or someone you love.  In your responses you were doing the very thing I wrote about--talking about depression and, in the process, helping to remove its stigma. Thank you.

Depression: Now We're Talking

A story is told of a man who, while traveling for his job, became overwhelmed with depression. This was not new for him, as he had lived with serious depression for most of his adult life. The man went to see a local doctor to get help. He said to the doctor, "My depression has recently become worse and I am having trouble doing my job and functioning in general." The doctor listened closely and then asked the man to come with her over to the window in her office. She pointed to a group of tents in the distance and said to the man, "There is a circus in town this week and I just went and saw the show last night. There are so many great acts, but the highlight of the show is a clown named Paparella. He had all of us laughing the entire night. I recommend that you go to the circus tonight and let Paparella help lift you out of your depression."

The man looked at the doctor and said, "Doctor, apparently you don't recognize me. I am Paparella."

The doctor in this story makes two mistakes that are common when it comes to understanding depression. The first mistake is thinking that depression is something that people can somehow just lift themselves out of if they simply do something different or try harder. Depression, like many diseases, is exceedingly complex. There are no simplistic solutions and advice is rarely, if ever, helpful. What is helpful is when a friend or loved one offers his or her accepting, faithful presence. And because many people who suffer from depression deal with it off and on throughout their lives, offering that accepting, faithful presence over the long haul is very important. It can make all of the difference for the person who is suffering and may even be a lifesaver for him or her.

The second mistake the doctor makes in the story of the clown, is that she assumes that a person with depression would not be able to have a happy public persona, like that of Paparella. Many people this week have said the same thing about Robin Williams. They have wondered how a person with serious depression could be so publicly funny and entertaining. Robin Williams, through the way he lived and the way he died, reminds us that we are all exceedingly complex and it is not uncommon for a person who is hurting inside to present a different image of himself or herself to the world.

One result of Robin Williams' death is that people are truly talking this week about depression and suicide. Many people are courageously lifting the veil of silence and sharing their own experiences with depression. One hundred years ago virtually no one talked about cancer in public, as it was considered a taboo subject. My hope is that we will continue to make as much progress raising awareness and talking about suicide and depression as we have made in talking about cancer.

One person who now talks openly about his struggle with depression is Parker Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Palmer, a Quaker writer, has written many profound books on spirituality and everyday living. I had been reading his books for years before I learned that he suffers from depression. Since learning that I have developed an even greater respect for him as he writes and talks about the spiritual dimensions of his depression.

I cannot improve on something that Parker Palmer wrote this week in his weekly column, and so I conclude with his profound words. I pray that his words will help us to plow new ground and plant new seeds in the wake of Robin Williams' death, as we all seek to better accept, talk about, understand, and treat depression, the disease that can impact any of us, at anytime.

Here is what Parker Palmer wrote this week, including his poem "Harrowing."

     Millions of people suffer or have suffered from depression, and I'm one of them. In the past 30 years, I've made three deep dives into the darkness. As I've worked to integrate those experiences into my sense of who I am, I've found it important to write and speak on the topic. "Going public" this way is not only therapeutic for me. It also gives me a chance to stand in solidarity with others who suffer, to let them (and those who care for them) know they're not alone.

    My writing on the subject includes chapter IV in my book Let Your Life Speak and the poem below. The poem came to me during a time of deep depression when I was out in the country walking past a recently harrowed field. 

     Writing the poem "Harrowing" was a healing experience. It helped me understand something I'm glad I know: the hard times we all go thru plow up our inner ground and turn it over, giving us chance after chance to "plant a greening season" in and through our lives. 

Harrowing 

The plow has savaged this sweet field Misshapen clods of earth kicked up Rocks and twisted roots exposed to view Last year's growth demolished by the blade. 

I have plowed my life this way Turned over a whole history Looking for the roots of what went wrong Until my face is ravaged, furrowed, scarred. 

Enough. The job is done. Whatever's been uprooted, let it be Seedbed for the growing that's to come. I plowed to unearth last year's reasons- 

The farmer plows to plant a greening season.

Falling Upward

Scott is taking time off this week for some rest and play, and so we are repeating a column from a few years ago about one of his favorite books. If you are taking some time off this month and are looking for a great to book to read, this column might be timely for you. The Living Compass regular column will return next week.     One of the best books I have read in the last five years is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of LIfe, by Richard Rohr.  Rohr is a priest in the Franciscan order who integrates wisdom from spirituality and depth psychology.  He has traveled the world the last forty-two years leading retreats and conferences on wholeness and wellness.  Falling Upward, published in 2011, is a book about the two halves of our lives.  The first half of life, according to Rohr, is characterized by external growth, expansion, and accomplishment.  It the time of life when people finish school, begin careers, begin relationships and families, and most things in one's life are on an upward trajectory.  Rohr talks about the first half of life as being primarily about building and solidifying one's identity and one's ego.

In contrast, Rohr describes the second half of life as being primarily about deepening one's identity and about developing one's soul.  In the second half of life, things begin to get more complicated.  Loss becomes more prevalent.  Relationships end through separation or death.  Bad things happen to good people.  Dreams fall short and disappointments occur. We are aging and now facing the finite limits of our lives in the second half of life.  Things begin to fall apart, but the point that Rohr makes is that we have a choice when we face an experience of things falling apart.  We can choose to fall down, or we can choose to fall upward--hence the name for his book.

Rohr's book resonates completely with my own experience in life, both personally and professionally.  In my experience, all spiritual growth--all growth of the soul--occurs in response to working through some experience of challenge or loss, some experience of facing a problem that cannot be solved by simply working harder (the striving of the ego).  Another way to capture this is to quote one of my favorite sayings:  wisdom is simply healed pain.  Those who face and heal their pain as they move into and through the second half of life become wise.  They are the sages and elders of our lives whose wisdom and counsel we regularly seek.  Their souls are well developed.  They have a depth and a gravitas that is palpable.  Those who do not face and heal their pain in the second half of life, become constricted, bitter, and cynical.   Rohr captured this difference in a lecture I once heard him deliver when he said, "we have a growing population of elderly in our country, but not necessarily a growing population of elders."

The field of personal growth literature is vast.  Much of it is geared toward the first half of life, toward what Rohr would call the growth of the ego.  Most of these books are some version of "Ten Steps To A Better You."  There is of course nothing wrong with this kind of literature as far as it goes.  But if you are looking for a book that will nurture the growth of your soul, you will benefit from reading Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.  You can read the book an a couple of days, but you will spend the rest of your life integrating and apply the wisdom found in this book.

Regular readers of this column know that one of my favorite sayings is, "Change is inevitable.  Growth is optional."  Richard Rohr makes this more specific, by saying, "Falling is inevitable.  Falling upward is optional."  Rohr says that when we fall upward, what we come to discover is that what is falling away as we get older is the false self, and that what is finally emerging is the true self.  He is clear though, that this is a choice that we have to make.  We make it one day at a time, in community with those we love and trust, and in community with a Divine Power who is always guiding us to discover our true selves.