Safe Landings

My wife and I recently had a very frightening experience when our plane hit a wind shear and began rocking side to side just thirty seconds from landing. Our plane was rocking almost as much as the plane in the photo above. There was no way we could have landed safely given how much the plane was rocking, and so at the very last moment, the pilot aborted the landing, pulled the nose of the plane up, and avoided an almost certain disaster. The thousands of hours our pilot had spent training and flying prepared him for this crisis when he needed to make an extremely important decision on a moment's notice. His preparedness and alertness saved us all from a likely disaster.The whole incident happened so quickly that by the time we all realized the danger of what was going on, the danger was over. The pilot, who made the whole thing seem routine, then took us on to Atlantic City where we landed smoothly.  We waited out the storm there until we could return safely to Philadelphia, our intended destination.  We all shook the pilot's hand as we deplaned, grateful to be alive. When it was my turn to greet the pilot, he shared with me that pilots prepare for countless hours for moments just like the sudden wind shear we had experienced, never knowing when their preparation and training will be put to use. I walked away thinking about the difference one person can make in our lives, especially when we are going through a time of sudden turmoil. You and I will most likely never be responsible for flying a plane through a storm and getting hundreds of people to safety. At the same time, this is a great metaphor for what each of us does have the opportunity to do on a regular basis. We all know someone whose life has been hit by an unexpected wind shear, a storm that has come out of nowhere and rocked that person's life. It might be the storm of a health crisis, a job loss, a relationship crisis, or any of the many challenges that are just part of life.  Whether that person is a family member, friend, colleague, or neighbor, like the pilot of our airplane, we can make a difference in helping that person to get through their crisis to a place where they feel safe again. What our pilot shared with us about the countless hours of ongoing preparation that allowed him to react with confidence to the crisis he faced got me to thinking how important preparation is for all of us. There are certain habits and disciplines we can practice in our lives on an ongoing basis that will prepare us for helping others, and for helping ourselves, when sudden storms arise. At the top of my list--and I would be interested in knowing what would be on your list--are the habits and disciplines of active listening, being patient, remaining a faithful friend, being loving, practicing forgiveness, being compassionate, acting in trustworthy ways, exercising self-control, and being generous.

Nurturing these disciplines on a daily basis will provide us with the training and preparation we need to be aware of and to respond to whatever challenges arise in our lives and in the lives of those around us. We do not get to choose when wind shears will occur, either in our own lives or others, but we do get to choose how emotionally and spiritually prepared we will be when they do occur. Our preparedness, just like that of our pilot on our recent flight to Philadelphia, can make all the difference in those scary life moments.

Weeding Out Perfectionism

I was talking to a friend the other day who described himself as a lawn perfectionist, while at the same time he was doing his best to get over the trait that had earned him his self-given title. He explained that the problem with being a lawn perfectionist is that even when your lawn is 98 percent weed free, the only thing about the lawn that you notice is the few places where crabgrass is interrupting the beautiful stretches of grass. While no one would ever confuse me with a lawn perfectionist, I certainly can be a perfectionist in other areas of my life, and so I know of what my friends speaks. In fact, I shared with my friend that I describe myself as a "recovering perfectionist." I commit one day at a time to not wearing myself and others out by being a perfectionist. Summer is not only the season when we spend time thinking about, working on, and enjoying gardens, lawns, and parks, it is also the season of the year that we think about, plan, and enjoy weddings. As I was thinking about weddings this week and all of the relationships that will be celebrated, I realized that my lawn perfectionist friend provided me with an ideal metaphor for helping those couples think about how to build healthy, long lasting relationships and marriages.

Every relationship contains some weeds of imperfection. Why? This is because every relationship is made up of two imperfect people who at times naturally become self-centered, irritable, and crabby. If we struggle with perfectionism in our relationships then it will be the case that the only thing we can see in our partner is his or her "weeds." If we make a habit of this pretty soon we may overlook all of the good traits in our partner. We have a saying in Living Compass that points out that "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." If you only pay attention to the crabgrass in someone you love, pretty soon that's all you will see. On the other hand, if you pay attention to what you love and appreciate about that person, most likely the weeds will soon be less noticeable. Obviously, if there is a weed growing in a relationship that is serious and potentially destructive to a relationship, then it must be addressed. I am referring here to the normal human imperfections that occur in every person and in every relationship.

When I asked people around our office today what advice they would share with any couple getting married this summer so as to avoid letting too much crab grass grow in their relationship, the most common advice was to manage one's expectation of one's partner or spouse. This certainly rings true for lot of people I speak with, both personally and professionally, and it is related to managing perfectionist tendencies. Anyone can easily wear out a partner, spouse, friend, or coworker with unrealistic expectations.

Weeds will always appear from time to time, both in lawns and in relationships. Knowing the difference between the weeds that are a normal part of every relationship and the weeds that are potentially destructive is key to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. In addition, choosing to regularly focus our attention on what we love about a partner, spouse, or friend will grow both our love for him or her, as well as create a surplus of goodwill in our relationship. Just as grass needs water to stay green and growing and to crowd out the weeds, relationships, too, stay green and growing when they are watered regularly with love and positive attention.

Summer Camp

Summer means many things to people. For kids, it means more time to play, to ride their bikes, to go to the beach, to hang out with their friends, and a chance to stay up later into the night. The highlight of summer just might include one of the greatest experiences a kid can have--going to summer camp. While going to camp can mean many different things these days, most experiences of going to camp involve spending more time outside in nature than a child would spend in their normal day-to-day routine. There is something truly re-creative that happens for kids when they spend time outside. Running through a field, catching frogs by a pond, hiking in the woods, climbing a tree, paddling a canoe or kayak, swimming in a lake, creating a special craft project, playing capture the flag, or sleeping outside in a tent are memories that can last a life time. If you went to summer camp as a child, I imagine you know just what I am talking about.

This past week three different parents have told me about how much fun their kids have had at camp this summer. Each of them then added, "I wish there was summer camp for parents!" I imagine that each of them was longing for something that would be as re-creative for their souls as camp had been for the souls of their children.

It might not be possible for we adults to actually go off to summer camp any more, but it certainly is possible for us to create experiences for ourselves that involve breaking out of our normal day-to -day routines and spending some re-creative time in nature. Perhaps we, too, can go for a walk in the woods, go on a boat ride, play a game, or enjoy a swim. We might also take a bike ride, go for a walk on the beach, create a piece of art, go fishing, or cook some marshmallows around an evening campfire.

I don't think it is a coincidence that many summer vacation plans involve some combination of the activities listed above. Perhaps vacations are really a way for adults try to recapture the childhood experience of going to camp. We adults most likely will not be able to return to our favorite summer camp from childhood, but we can try to create moments today that capture some of the freedom and fun that camps provided us when we were kids.

With this in mind, the last three mornings I have gone for an early morning run along the shores of Lake Michigan before my work day in Chicago. The experience of the rising sun warming my face along with the sound of the gently breaking waves has been as re-creative for my soul as the running has been for my body, much the way I felt at camp as a child.

Do you ever experience summer camp moments in your life? How might you create more moments that are re-creative for your soul in the days that are left of this summer? You may not be able to get away for a true vacation, but instead maybe you may be able to enjoy an hour here and there spending some re-creative time outdoors right where you are. You may not catch a frog, climb a tree, or play capture the flag, but doing something in nature, something outside of your normal routine, is sure to be good for your emotional and spiritual wellness.

Reverse Mentoring

I am pleased to be writing this week's column from the campus of Villanova University in Philadelphia. I am here with our Living Compass Faith & Wellness ministry at "EYE 2014," otherwise known as the Episcopal Youth Event. This event, held every three years, attracts over 1,200 high school youth, youth leaders, and clergy from every state in the country. The energy and enthusiasm of this number of young people all in one place is highly contagious. At our opening worship this morning, the Rev. Canon Stephanie Spellers, canon for vitality in the Diocese of Long Island, delivered a Spirit-filed message that has set the tone for our entire four days together. My favorite quote from her message to the teens, which was greeted with loud cheers, was, "We've got some great youth programs in the Episcopal Church, where adults teach and form young people, but I think it's time for some reverse mentoring. We elders can nurture and teach, but frankly we could use your wisdom and experience on the mission frontier."

While I have always enjoyed learning from those who are younger, this concept of reverse mentoring was a new one for me. I did a little online research and found that thebusiness community has embraced this concept for some time. Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric, was a strong proponent of reverse mentoring. Alan Weber, co-founder of FastCompany, describes both the need and the benefit of reverse mentoring in this way: "It's a situation where the old fogies in an organization realize that by the time you're in your forties and fifties, you're not in touch with the future the same way the young twenty-something's. They come with fresh eyes, open minds, and instant links to the technology of our future."

While here at EYE14 I am surrounded by hundreds of adult volunteers who have traveled here from all around the country to serve as mentors to the youth, many of them taking a week's vacation to do so. When thanking these adults for giving of themselves to be here for the youth, many say back to me, "No need to thank me. I get more back from this than I give and I learn so much from them." They are participating in reverse mentoring with out even knowing it!

So what youth, or what person a generation or two younger than you, might you let serve as a reverse mentor to you right now? Is there a child, a niece or nephew, a grandchild, or a younger colleague at work from whom you could learn something new? At a minimum they might teach or explain to you something from their world, something they are very comfortable with, but with which you are unfamiliar. More importantly, though, young people can help you look at something in your life with fresh energy and a fresh perspective. If we open ourselves to reverse mentoring, one benefit that is sure to give us a boost is their unbridled enthusiasm and hopefulness, which is so highly contagious. I know, because I am catching it from the over 1,000 youth that I am honored to be with this week. I encourage you to connect with a youth in your life soon and catch some of their enthusiasm and hopefulness, too.

Declaration of Dependence

I hope your Fourth of July weekend is filled with cookouts, friends, family, fireworks, and all the best this holiday has to offer. In addition to enjoying all of these things myself, there is one additional thing I like to do on the Fourth of July. Each year I like to reread the Declaration of Independence. One of the things that I am always reminded of when I read the Declaration of Independence is that the title of this document reveals only half of the story. Independence from Britain is clearly asserted, but the writing goes further, spelling out exactly what this new experiment in democracy would be dependent upon. This document is also a "declaration of dependence" in that it clearly states its reliance on certain core beliefs and values: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." The writers make it clear here and throughout the document that freedom is dependent upon equality and the right to create a fulfilling life.

I find this assertion of core beliefs and values inspiring, because we live in a time when it seems many people can tell you more easily what they don't believe in than what they do believe in. We live in a time when people define themselves more by what they are independent from than what they are dependent upon. This, of course, is natural when a person is questioning beliefs they have held and are in a period of transition, but I sense that many people end up getting stuck in this 'in between' stage, thus having a hard time articulating the core beliefs and values that their lives are built upon.

So in light of this experiment in democracy that we celebrate this weekend, allow me to suggest an experiment we each can try. Take out a sheet of paper and declare on paper your personal beliefs and values, those that you depend on to shape your life. Declare with boldness and clarity what you want your life to be dependent upon. Invite family or friends to do this with you, if you wish, and talk with one another about your core beliefs and values.

Take your time with this, and have fun with it. Don't worry about how beautiful your language is--just focus on naming the essential truths upon which you strive to build your life. When you are done, put your "John Hancock'" on the bottom and post it on your refrigerator so you can look back on it for guidance, just as we do today with the document our founders wrote in Philadelphia all those years ago. '      Note: I am on vacation this week and so am sharing an updated Fourth of July column from several years ago.

Happy Fourth of July to all of you!