This past Monday night was our turn to host our movie group at our house. Our group currently consists of five couples and three children. We take turns hosting the group which meets every other month. The hosts provide a simple meal and get to choose the movie to be discussed at the gathering. We chose Arranged for this meeting of our group, a wonderful independent film about the friendship between two young women, one a devout Muslim and the other an Orthodox Jew. The website for the movie, found at http://www.arrangedthemovie.com/, includes the tag line “friendship has no religion.” It's a beautiful movie and I highly recommend it.As our group prepared to sit down for our meal, we paused to say grace. This group contains five clergy types and so it's a pretty natural thing for us to do. I offered to lead the grace since we were hosting, and as I was just about to start I felt inspired to do something a little different. As we all stood and held hands around the table I asked if we could begin our grace by singing together the first verse of Amazing Grace and that I would then offer a short prayer after our singing. I have no idea what I said after the singing. I only remember the singing and the Spirit that filled our small dining room as we sang the words we all knew by heart. We have lived in our house for twenty-six years and while there has been plenty of singing in our house, I believe that was the first time we ever sang grace. Our singing of our grace allowed us to more deeply feel the grace, to truly experience it in the moment. As we gather with friends and family this Thanksgiving, may we all look for ways to “sing grace” together. By this I mean don't necessarily mean literally singing together, although it could mean that, but connecting our expressions of love and gratitude with our deepest emotions. Singing grace means finding authentic and heartfelt ways of expressing our love for on another. It means not just going through the motions, but going through the emotions. The classic Thanksgiving hymn begins with the words, “Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices.” Singing grace means connecting our hearts with our hands and voices. Singing grace could may be a simple hug in the kitchen as you are cooking side by side. Or it could mean sharing a special memory together. Or it could mean sharing tears together over a loved one who is no longer with you. Or it could mean watching old family movies, savoring the time together. Or it could mean a spirited game of touch football in the back yard. Or it could mean serving meals at your church. Or it could mean calling or reaching to someone who is alone. What singing grace might look like in your life, I don't know--but you most likely do. Singing grace can happen whenever hearts and hands and voices join together to share authentic grace and gratitude. Grace and gratitude both come from the same root word. Expressing our gratitude is giving voice to the amazing grace that we have experienced through our family and friends. Singing grace is giving voice to that gratitude not just with our thoughts and words, but with our heart. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you from all of us at Living Compass. This year, may you find the opportunity not just to say grace, but to sing it as well.
Don't Try This At Home!
When a television commercial shows someone doing something potentially dangerous, it always includes a warning on the bottom of the screen that advises viewers: don't try this at home. I have seen such a warning on a commercial that featured a driver executing sharp turns in a sports car at very high speeds on a closed course. I have also seen such warnings on commercials that showed someone juggling knives or walking on fire. The warning to not try the activity that the viewers are watching at home is intended to protect the viewers from harming themselves, or someone they love even though it seems quite obvious to the viewer that the activity would be too dangerous to try on their own. As I watched the presidential debate this earlier this week, I felt like there should have been a similar warning scrolling across the bottom of the screen during debate: "Please, don't try this at home." At Living Compass we make a strong effort to teach couples, parents, teens, families, and organizations how to communicate in ways that are effective, helpful, and uplifting for all. Many of the communication skills that have been on display during this election season, and especially during the recent debates, do not resemble anything that we teach, and in fact are often a lesson in how not to communicate effective and uplifting.
Perhaps debating is a necessary and effective part of an election process. I can safely say, though, that debating is rarely, if ever, an effective strategy in any other kind of relationship. The goal of a debate is to win--to defeat your opponent. You score "points" with clever comebacks, put downs, and exposing weakness in your opponent's actions, words, or positions. In fact, the word debate derives from the same root word as does the word battery. Battery means to wound or beat someone in a hostile or offensive manner--as in assault and battery. This adversarial and aggressive style of communication was clearly on display in several of the more intense exchanges during this week's presidential debate.
Whenever I have a couple or a family in my counseling office who is locked in unproductive anger and conflict they will most likely be engaging in some form of debate with one another. Their communication alternates between attacking and defending and is designed to "win" points over the other person, whom they are at that moment experiencing as their "opponent." Each person is clear that the other person is fully responsible for the current mess they find themselves in and they they bear virtually no responsibility for any of the problem. The problem when this kind of communication happens in families or between friends, is that unlike an election, in the end, no one actually wins. In fact, everyone loses in personal relationships when communication sounds like a debate.
My goal in helping a couple or family that is locked in a cycle of debate is to help them replace that cycle of debate with a cycle of compromise. Com, the first part of the word compromise, means together. Compromise means to promise together, to work together for the greater good of the family, the friendship, or the organization. So, the goal of a cycle of compromise is to honor the integrity of each other's thoughts and opinions, to learn from each other, to acknowledge when the other person is right about something, to be honest about one's own shortcomings and mistakes, to acknowledge for the good of the team that sometimes it is more important to be helpful than right, and that in the end humility and calmness will be more helpful than ego and bravado so that in the end, the family or couple can work together for the good of the team.
When families and good friends work through tough issues and intense differences they provide a model for all of us, including our politicians, about the power of effective communication and the greater good that comes from a willingness to compromise and truly work together.
Top Secret
This past week we witnessed General David Petraeus' resignation as the head of the CIA due to a extramarital affair in which he was involved. Presumably, General Petraeus believed that as long as the affair was a secret he could continue to exercise his responsibilities as the chief of the CIA. Once the secret was revealed however, he knew his only option was to resign. It seems to be the nature of things that when people are hiding important information from others, they truly believe they can go on doing so without consequence. Such is the power of denial and the power of secrets. In the end though, the truth always comes out, and the magnitude of the secret , and how long it has been kept, determine the consequences, which can be enormous.As a culture we seem fascinated with the secrets and lies of famous people. We are especially attentive when they go to extreme lengths to deny or coverup the truth. I can only assume that we are fascinated by these stories because we see in them a projection of ourselves and our own struggles to be honest men and women. Rather than expend energy wondering how a four star general, politician or celebrity could live a life of lies, perhaps we are best to look in the mirror and examine our own lives for any secrets we might be keeping, big or small. The 12-step recovery movement has a great saying: "You are only as sick as your secrets." It's not just the content of the secret that is unhealthy, but what creates the greatest amount of dis-ease is the emotional and spiritual energy it requires to keep the secret hidden. If you've ever seen the face of a young child who has stolen a cookie from the cookie jar and is trying to conceal their guilt, you know how much energy it takes. It takes no less energy for adults to hide their secrets. Adults who try to hide secrets may instead find themselves hiding behind alcohol or other drugs, being overly busy, or avoiding important conversations and relationships. There is a great Robert Frost quote about secrets:
"We dance round in a ring and suppose. While the secret sits in the middle and knows." When a secret exists within a family, the whole family ends up “dancing round in a ring and suppose(s), while the secret sits in the middle and knows." Families can go to great lengths to hide a drinking problem, a mental illness, infidelity, domestic violence, verbal abuse, a child who is struggling or financial struggles. Without a word being said, everyone learns the dance of denial, even though they all carry around the knowledge that something is not right. This dance can last a long time, but it cannot last forever because the truth always breaks through in one form or another. The initial clue that a secret exists will often be the breakdown in functioning of one of the family members affected by the secret, such as when a teenager's grades begin to plummet, a spouse develops severe depression, or a young child becomes paralyzed with fear. Another way to make this point is to say that it's not just that families keep secrets, but that secrets keep families. They keep families from being fully alive and fully connected to others. On the other hand, when a family or individual has the courage to reveal a secret, when it is finally released, new energy and growth can occur for the family or individual. So for example, when a spouse courageously reveals for the first time the secret of their abusive childhood to the other spouse, the fact that this is no longer secret leads to greater trust and intimacy in the marriage. Another example might be when an adult child is able to confide with his or her parents and siblings that they are struggling with drug or alcohol addiction. Bringing this secret out into the open will most likely begin a period of healing and new life for the family.
Every religion has rites for the confession of sins and evealing of secrets which provide a way for them to be released, and for healing to begin. Jesus said, "Whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed or secret is meant to be brought out into the open." If you are burdened by a secret, maybe it is time to find someone you trust with whom you can release it. It could be a friend or family member, or a rabbi, priest or pastor, or perhaps a therapist. Find someone to help you tell the truth, your truth, so that you can take that first step toward living an integrated, authentic life. Because in the end, no secret is worth the cost of losing a job, a relationship, or one's integrity. When secrets are brought out in the open it is not always easy, but it is the first step towards having the peace of mind and heart for which we all yearn.
Restoring Power
When hurricane Sandy hit the east coast this week millions of people lost power. As we have been hearing since Tuesday when the storm hit losing power can have wide effects on people from minor inconveniences such as not being able to use a hairdryer to major consequences such as when people need electricity for medical devices. One side effect that is new in the last fifteen years or so is that when people lose their electricity for an extended period of time, they also lose the ability to use their cell phones. Because many people no longer have land lines, losing the ability to charge and use one's cell phone means that one loses their connection with the larger world. I heard a report on the radio this week of a woman in New York City who has been without power since Monday evening and so finally yesterday she walked thirty-eight blocks just to be able to charge her cell phone at her friend's apartment! I heard other stories of a post office that was allowing people to come and charge their phones and of a television station's mobile broadcasting truck that was offering free charging services for people who were willing to stand in long lines to recharge their phones. Both places experienced such high demand that they had to limit people to fifteen minutes of charging time.
There are probably many stories coming out of hurricane Sandy of far greater significance, but these stories of people helping one another recharge their cell phones were poignant for me because they illustrate some fundamental lessons when it comes to wellness and wholeness. The first lesson is that whenever we are going through any kind of storm in our lives we experience a universal longing to be able to stay connected with people we love. I doubt that people were going to great lengths to charge their phones in order play games or play with apps on their phones. I'm quite sure they were charging their phones so that they could reach out to friends or family members to let them know they were okay, and to receive the love and support of those friends or family members. Whatever kind of storm we may find ourselves experiencing--meteorological or otherwise--we all need to stay connected in order to help us get our feet back on the ground.
There are times when we are the person who has lost our power due to a storm, and at other times we are the person who is blessed to have power and are therefore able to share it with others. That is the second lesson from these stories of people helping one another recharge their cell phones. Perhaps you know someone who is going through a hard time right now, whose power is running a little low these days. When you take time to offer that person a caring word, a listening ear, a thoughtful note, or caring gesture, you are helpinging them to recharge their batteries.
Powerful storms of any type always bring stories of heartache and loss, and yet, at the same time, they always seem to bring stories of both small and large sacrifices that people make to help one another. Our wholeness and wellness depends on our being able to play both roles well, admitting when we are the person who has lost our power and realizing when we are the person who has power to share. We need to allow others to plug into our power when necessary, and to be able to ask for power from others when ours is running low. We don't have to live in an area devastated by an actual hurricane like Sandy in order to find people who are going through their own private storms, look around and you will most likely see someone you know who could use an energy boost from you. And let someone know if you are the one in need of such a boost. The world is a better place when we all take turns caring for each other!
Hallowed Be...
"Halloween is my favorite day of the year," exclaimed an elderly woman I spoke with this week. She has been a widow for twenty years and continues to live in the house she and her husband bought fifty-two years ago and where they raised their family who is now grown and gone. "It's the only time when all the children from the neighborhood come and knock on my door and want to talk with me. I can't wait for 'trick or treat' this Sunday. In fact, I wish we had 'trick or treat' every Sunday!" In this woman's neighborhood, the kids are clearly not the only ones who will be receiving something sweet this Sunday. The kids, thinking they are the ones who are getting all the goodies, will in fact, with at least one of their neighbors, be giving just as much sweetness as they are getting. Each of us longs for connection with our neighbors, old and young alike Those neighbors may be our friends, our coworkers, our family, or the people who live near us. Halloween is not just a fun time, it is also a sacred time, giving us all plenty of opportunities to enjoy and connect with "our neighbors". Halloween, as simply a fun time, can be enjoyed by people of all ages. Even pets get in on the action it seems as I just learned that $370 million will be spent on pet costumes alone this year!
Some people do not know that Halloween has a religious origin. All Saints Day is a Christian holy day that is celebrated on November 1 every year. It is a day when the Church celebrates the lives of the great saints who have been exemplars of the faith. All Saints Day has also been known as All Hallows Day. The word hallow means holy or sacred, as in the line from the Lord's Prayer, "hallowed be your name." The word Halloween, then, is a contraction of the words "hallows eve." And so Halloween always occurs on October 31, the eve of All Hallows Day, of All Saints Day.
When we think of things that are hallowed, things that are sacred or holy, we probably tend to think of things that are pretty serious and things that are stereotypically religious. Ancient saints of the church come to mind, or a high, holy worship service at a beautiful cathedral or synagogue, or perhaps a beautiful stained glass window. For many people, these are indeed holy and sacred.
Halloween is a reminder though, that the holy and sacred are also found in the everyday, less serious moments of life. This is how Halloween ends up being an annual holy day for an elderly women who cherishes the simple, sacred connection with the children in her neighborhood as they make their way to her door with open bags and smiling faces. There are other ways, too, in which Halloween reminds us that the sacred can be found in everyday moments. When I see my friends posting on Facebook pictures of their children in their Halloween costumes, I think of all the love (and angst, no doubt, as well) that went into creating those costumes- and know that this is sacred, too. When I see the playful side of adults coming out in their choice of a Halloween costume or bobbing for apples, I see the sacred joy of laughter and the holy delight of just being silly. Watching the faces of parents as they delight in watching their children enjoy the tradition of trick or treating or carving out a pumpkin is sacred as well.
Happy Halloween and Happy All Hallows Day to all of you. Be on the watch for those ghosts and goblins that are sure to knock on your door this time of year. Be on the watch, also, for the everyday sacred and holy moments that are sure to show up. And remember, too, that they may be one and the same. Hallowed be all of our moments, fun and serious alike.