Driving With Our Lights Off

The days are getting shorter and darkness is coming earlier each day, and so in just the last two nights I have had the experience three different times of driving down the road and encountering a car coming towards me with its lights off.  On each occasion I flashed my lights at the oncoming cars to signal  that their lights were off and each time the drivers immediately turned them on, most likely grateful, I assume, for the feedback I had given them.  I am sure we can all relate to this experience as we have all been on both sides of this exchange countless times. These simple exchanges between myself and these three drivers who were completely unaware that they were driving with their lights off, led me to thinking about what a great metaphor this is for thinking about our personal well-being.  I know for myself, that when my wellness is compromised, when I am tired or irritable, or when I'm just out of sorts emotionally or spiritually, I am often the last person to realize it.  It's as if I'm driving down the road completely unaware that my lights are off.  It's often not until a loving family member, friend, or colleague signals to me that my lights are off that I become conscious that I have been moving full speed ahead, but completely in the dark.

While this metaphor may work up to a point, in reality it is much harder to give and receive feedback regarding personal wellness than it is regarding driving with one's lights off.  It takes courage to offer honest feedback to someone you care about when you experience them as not being in a good place.  It's not easy to tell someone you care about that you are concerned about their increased negativity, their rising level of stress, their increased use of alcohol, or the growing distance you experience between yourself and them.  It takes, perhaps, even more courage to be open to receiving such feedback.  And yet I truly believe that the ability to engage in such authentic and honest conversations is one of the most essential keys to creating and maintaining personal wellness and wholeness.

Both our personal wellness and the wellness of our relationships are created and sustained by the commitment to having courageous conversations based on honesty and transparency.  Relationships that encourage open and honest feedback  are relationships that are healthy and growing.  This is equally true within families, between friends, and relationships in the work place.  Being able to kindly let someone know that you have experienced them as being a little out of sorts lately means that a relationship with the person has been created that is emotionally safe and trustworthy.  Relationships with low levels of trust and emotional safety are created by just the opposite types of communication--by an unspoken rule that the truth will not be spoken and that people will pretend that things are okay even when they are not. Driving with our lights off--both literally and metaphorically, is clearly a safety hazard, both to ourselves and to others.  It can and will happen though to all of us from time to time.  As long as we have others around us who can let us know, and as long as we are open to receiving their feedback and making the necessary changes, we'll all be okay.  We truly need each other from time to time to help us get our lights back on so we don't drive around in the dark.

Walk The Talk

More and more people today describe themselves as “spiritual, but not religious.”  This description can of course mean many different things to different people.  In my experience, when people make a distinction between spirituality and religion they ususally associate spirituality with one's private beliefs and practices and religion with a public, organized set of beliefs, rituals, and practices.  I regluarly hear people say that spirituality is how a person lives and religion is how or what a person believes. While I find the distinctions between spiritualty and religion helpful, I do have some concern about how the discussion often unfolds.  Today, spirituality is almost always described in positive, life-giving terms, while religion is quite often described in negative terms.  People who are religious are often seen as hypocrites whose lives often to not reflect in any way the beliefs and teachings of their religion.  People who are spiritual are often seen as more enlightend, more authentic, and more true to living in alignment with their Higher Power, however they may define that Higher Power.

I was thinking about this distinction between spirituality and religion yesterday when tens of thousands of churches around the world were celebrating St. Francis Day.  St. Francis of Assisi, who lived eight hundred years ago, remains one of the most poplur of all saints.  Six million tourists visit Assisi, his hometown in Italy, every year to see where Francis lived, prayed, and taught.  There are no doubt many reasons for his popularity--his commitment to serving the poor, his personal renunciation of his family's wealth to live with the poor, his connection with nature and with animals, and his beautiful writings and teachings.  Perhaps, though, there is one other key to his continued influence today:  St. Francis was a man who was both spiritual and religious.

Francis was clearly a devout Christian and a devout Catholic.  His commitment to give his life to God and to serving the poor followed a conversion experience he had while praying in church one day.  He clearly participated in all of the public rituals and celebrations of the church.  This made him a religious person indeed.  But it was Francis' spirituality--the way he lived his life, his committment to the poor, and his love for all of God's creation that inspires people today as much as it did eight hundred years ago.   Francis would most likely be confused about today's discussions focusing on the distinction between spirituality and religion.  For him, the former flowed from the latter and both were seamlessly connected.  For him, he walked the talk because the walk flowed from the talk.

How does all of this relate to you and me?  In honor of St. Francis, it might wise for us to reflect on our own deepest beliefs and how fully they influece and are integrated into our daily lives.  What are your most passionate and most important beliefs?  What do you know to be most true and sacred in your life?  What are your core values?  And most importantly,  how fully does your life reflect what you believe to be true and sacred?

St. Francis, once said, “Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words.”  St. Francis did just this.  What about you and me?  Can people detect what our deepest beliefs are simply by observing the way we live our lives?  Do we truly walk the talk and through that profess what is most true and sacred in our lives?  Clearly this is a life long journey for all of us, but along the way it's nice to find inpsiration from people like Francis of Assisi who showed us the difference it can truly make when our lives are fully integrated with our beliefs.

Learning To Be A Good Referee

Watching youth soccer was a big part of my life while our three kids were growing up. I then made what I thought was the ultimate commitment, agreeing to coach all three of our kids' teams for many years. I soon found out, however, that there was an even greater commitment that a person could make when it came to youth sports, a commitment that demanded a much greater sacrifice and much thicker skin. In response to the fact that we could never find enough people to become certified and serve as soccer referees, my son and I decided to go through the training and both served for many years as referees for an untold number of youth soccer games. It did not take us long to find out why there was a chronic shortage of people willing to serve in this role! Being a referee is a thankless job. When you do your job well, no one notices and little attention is drawn to what you do. That all changes when you a make a call that is perceived as the wrong call by the kids, parents, and/or coaches. I can safely say that at no other time in my life have I been talked to with such open disrespect as when I was a soccer referee. And so it has been with great empathy that I have felt the pain of the recent replacement referees in the National Football League as they have endured so much hostility and criticism these last three weeks. While their time is now over, and the regular referees will return this week, there are a few things we can learn from all this recent attention on the role of the referee.

While making difficult calls is part of the job description for a referee, it is also part of the job description for everyone of us in regards to our own lives. We all have to make hard calls on a regular basis. Leaders have to make difficult, close calls. Parents make difficult judgment calls everyday. Each of us has to make difficult calls every day. Is this the right person for me to marry? Is it time to retire? Is it time to look for a new job? Is this the right course of action regarding a medical decision? Is this the right way to handle my child's behavior? Am I on the right spiritual path? Is this the moral or ethical thing to do in this situation?

The word referee means "one who is referred to as an authority." So, for example, if you are referred to a doctor for his or her opinion on a health matter, that doctor is the "referee"--the one who is referred to for his/her authority on such matters. You are the authority on your own life and so you are the referee for making tough calls for your life. And when you find yourself in any kind of personal or professional leadership position, you have been given the authority to make difficult calls regarding the people you are leading.

Here are few additional tips I picked up during my time as a referee that can help all of us whenever we have to make a tough call in our lives.

*A good referee knows the rules and guiding principles of a sport well and applies them consistently. We need to each know what our own guiding rules and principles are for our lives. This relates to our sense of spirituality. We need to be clear regarding our foundational beliefs and core values before the tough call has to be made. The call may still be difficult, but it should never be difficult because we are unsure of what the "rules" are. We should be clear about the rules--and about our core beliefs and values.

*Whenever possible, ask for help in making the right call. Good umpires and good referees are comfortable huddling up with their colleagues to discuss important calls, especially when they know someone else may have had a better perspective on the situation. Asking for help in making a call is a sign of strength.

*Do not be afraid to reverse your call, if upon further review, you realize you have made the wrong call.

*If you realize later on that you made the wrong call, make amends and move on. Last year an umpire realized he made the wrong call that cost a pitcher a perfect game. It was too late to reverse the call, but he apologized and learned from his mistake.

*When you make your call, do it with passion and conviction based on what you believe. Be clear, concise, and committed to the call you are making. It is hard to respect or follow a referee who seems unsure of the call he/she is making.

*Be fair and consistent in the calls you make. People who follow you will feel secure and respect you when you are fair and consistent over time.

*Be patient and forgiving of your mistakes. Players fumble, make errors, commit fouls, and make errors of judgment. So do coaches.

So to referees. Learn from your mistakes and move on. So get your whistle out and put on your zebra striped shirt. There are important calls to be made out there. Learn to enjoy the work of being a referee in your own life, because in the end there are no replacement referees--only you can do the job!

Rocking The Message

Imagine a music festival where one of the stages is powered by a group of people pedaling stationary bicycles. Imagine a music festival where all 10,000 attendees receive a totally recycled, green water bag as they enter the grounds where they then find abundant water stations to refill those bags throughout the seven hour festival. Imagine a music festival that features the best locally sourced, organic food in the area. Imagine a music festival that has a variety of educational tents/booths teaching people about waste disposal, how to reduce their carbon footprint, and how to take recycle/reuse to a whole other level. Imagine a music festival with T-shirts that have been upcycled from recycled Goodwill T-shirts. If you can imagine all of these things than you can imagine Rock the Green (RTG), a music festival I had the joy of attending this past weekend in Milwaukee, WI. RTG, now in its second year, is a music festival unlike any other because along with the great music it provides, it presents a great message as well. It is music with a message, or it could just as easily be described as a message with music. The message is simple, but powerful: It is possible to throw a world class music festival and produce near-zero waste; and it's possible to have an incredible amount of fun and teach people--children, families, and adults of all ages about sustainability and green environmental practices at the same time. (To learn more about Rock the Green, a non-profit organization that in addition to the annual music festival provides year-round educational opportunities regarding sustainability and how we can all have a "feather light eco-footprint," click here).

My wife and I are marriage and family therapists and work a great deal with helping families. People often come to us because they are worried about a young person that they love--a child, a grandchild, a niece or nephew, or a friend. They are worried about unhealthy choices this young person is making and they wish they could influence them to make better choices. As I left the Rock the Green festival I realized that I had not only learned a few new ideas about recycling, but I was also reminded of a few important ideas about how to influence others to make better, healthier choices.

What I learned is that when you have a desire to influence the choices that others are making, the two most important things to keep in mind are:

1. Add "music" to your message--present your message in the context of a fun and positive energy.

2. The most powerful way to teach your message is by living the message yourself--be the change you seek to teach.

Rock the Green did both of these positive things. Now it's just as important to note what they didn't do. They didn't create a lecture series about environmental practices, and they didn't go around and protest at other music festivals for not embodying sound environmental practices. Instead, they created and embodied the change they teach.

Is there a child or young person that you have the chance to influence in your life? Are there important messages that you would like to teach this young person about what it means to be well--emotionally, spiritually, or physically? Take a tip from Rock the Green and rock your message. Make your message fun. Keep the message clear, but avoid burdening it with a lot of emotional heaviness. Mix in equal amounts of humor with the message. And most importantly, live your message. Model the message. Showing is as important as telling. When it comes to influencing young people, remember that they are always watching us. They are watching to see how we are indeed "rocking the message" in our own lives.

And if you want to teach someone about environmental wellness, be sure to attend the third annual Rock the Green music festival.

Busy Being Born

Bob Dylan released his 35th album this past Tuesday--50 years to the day after releasing his first. The album, entitled Tempest, has been both panned and praised by a wide range of critics. I personally love the album, but then I've loved most everything he has done for the 40 years that I have been listening to his music. I guess you could say I'm a fan. The critics that have panned this record have focus on two things. They say that the quality of Dylan's voice, while never his strength, has greatly declined of late. They also say that the quality of Dylan's songwriting--something that has most definitely been his strength--has also declined. The implication almost seems to be that if Dylan's music is not at the same quality as it was in his younger days, he should perhaps think about no longer recording and releasing new albums. When you are one of the greatest songwriters to have ever lived, I guess that legendary status can become a burden later in life.

This is a column about wellness though, and not about music, and so let me get to my point. I believe that Dylan continues to write and perform music at the age of 71 for the shear joy and delight he gets from performing his craft. I don't believe he spends much time worrying about how he compares to his younger self and to the music he wrote and recorded 30, 40, or 50 years ago.

Dylan is a model of wellness for me because in a culture that idolizes youth, he stands out as one example of what it means to age and still be fully alive, doing what he loves most. Does he do it as well as he did when he was younger? Probably not. But that misses the point. Physical decline is inevitable for every one of us as we age. There is much we can do to slow the decline, but there is no avoiding it. That's why, for example, all singers' voices will decline as they age.

While physical decline is inevitable, spiritual decline--the decline of the soul most definitely is not. In fact, our souls can continue to grow and expand until our last breath. And that's what inspires me about Dylan. His soul is as alive and well as ever. His love of creating and performing live concerts (he still does over 100 concerts a year all over the world) is refreshing.

Music critic Andy Downing, after listening to Tempest, wrote that Dylan has "a gravelly voice as gnarled and knotted as an ancient oak." How true this is. Now, young oak trees are plentiful and are indeed enjoyable, but ancient oaks are much rarer, and therefore more special. Ancient oaks have a depth, a heft, and a weathered wisdom about them. They are in a category by themselves, one in which no comparison to their younger selves is necessary. Ancient oaks, whether in the form of a tree or a person, have a majestic quality all their own.

The times they are a changing indeed, and Dylan continues to grow and change with them. He reminds us that as we age, just because we may not do something as well as we did it when were younger, it doesn't mean we should stop doing it. In fact, as long as we are able, let's keep doing what it is we love, enjoying each moment with all our heart and soul.

And as Bob himself said a long time ago--1965 to be precise--"He who's not busy being born, is busy dying."