Fireworks and Relationships

Fireworks are a lot like relationships. Both combine ingredients that have the potential to create something beautiful--worthy of “oohs” and aahs.” Fireworks are created by a precise combination of several chemicals, most commonly calcium, aluminum, carbon and a chlorine oxidizer. Relationships, on the other hand, are created through a combination of soul, desire, emotion and character. In the past two weeks two different people have spoken to me of fireworks and relationships. One person talked of growing up in a home that was full of fireworks. She said she never knew when the next explosion would happen. Would it be mom exploding at dad, dad exploding at mom, or mom or dad exploding toward one of the children? Another person spoke of a relatively new love relationship that he was in. He met a woman six months ago and said he felt like he had found his soul mate. He spoke of the electricity in the relationship that often turned into fireworks of joy and elation.

It seems that fireworks, like relationships, can be both beautiful and dangerous. People get hurt if they don’t handle them properly. There is a fine line between beauty and danger when you are dealing with either volatile chemicals or volatile emotions. It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the forces that can combine to create the greatest beauty are the very same forces that can combine to create the greatest harm. Religion can create a Desmund Tutu or a person who terroizes in the name of God. Sexuality can create experiences of ecstatic intimacy, or horrific abuse.

So how do we make sure that we are creating fireworks of beauty in our relationships versus fireworks that backfire and cause harm? A short answer to that question can be found by looking at the holiday we celebrate today. As important as the individuals were that labored to create our nation, the essence of what formed our nation is the principles upon which it was founded. And so it is with healthy relationships. The common theme of all healtlhy relationships is not the uniqueness of the individuals that form them, but the principles that guide them, namely humility, integrity, honesty, vulnerability, love, hope and faith.

As we celebrate the founding ideals of our nation and look up to the skies to see the beautiful fireworks, may we also look upwards to the enduring values and ideals that define beauty in relationships and work to embody them each and every day.

Emotional Triangles

General Stanley McChrystal was ousted as the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan this past Wednesday. By now most of us know that he was removed because of derisive comments he made about civilian administrative leadership for a Rolling Stone magazine article. This weekly column is about wellness and so while this is not the place to analyze this incident from a political or military perspective, it is a great opportunity to reflect on this incident to highlight what we can all learn from it, as it relates to our personal and family wellness. The concept of emotional triangles is helpful for understanding what we can learn from the General Stanley McChrystal situation. An emotional triangle always involves three separate individuals, or groups, which we will refer to as A, B and C. In an emotional triangle A is upset with B (and quite likely the feeling may be mutual), but instead of talking to B directly about their unhappiness, A instead talks with C about how unhappy they are with B. General McChrystal (“A”) was extremely unhappy with some of the civilian leaders (“B”), but instead of talking directly to them about it, he talked to a reporter from Rolling Stone magazine (“C”). The reason General McChrystal was let go was not because he had critical feelings about the administration. Instead, it was because he broke the trust of the administration by talking to a third party about issues that should have only been discussed between the general and the administration.

Emotional triangles destroy trust and erode relationships. In one’s personal life, emotional triangles can take many forms: you are angry at a colleague, but instead of talking directly to your colleague, you talk to others at work about what a “jerk” your colleague is; a wife is angry with or has been hurt by her husband, but vents to her friends about this instead of talking and working things through with her husband (this is often how the bad feelings that lead to affairs start); a teen is furious with his mother, and finds out that Dad will listen to him complain about his mother (his wife), but neither father or child ever talk to the mother/wife (this also can “flow” the other way where a parent is unloading their frustration at their spouse to one of their children); a parishioner is furious at recent decisions that the pastor has made and chooses to express her frustration to numerous other church members, but never to the pastor directly.

It is easy to see how destructive emotional triangles can be, and at the same time it is easy to see why they are so common. Most of us are “conflict averse” and we find it so much easier to discharge our feelings with a third party than taking the time, energy and risk to address the conflict directly with the party involved. By now we know though, that being intentional about our personal and family wellness rarely ever involves taking the easy way! We must be willing to risk moving out of our comfort zone to grow.

One more very important thing to be learned from the General McChrystal incident. Trust and integrity take years to gain, but can be lost in seconds. General McChrystal was no doubt aware of the World War II advice given to soldiers to never disclose any military information in their letters home. This advice was summarized in the phrase, “loose lips sink ships.” May we also remember when it comes to our personal and family wellness, that loose lips sink trust and integrity, and greatly compromise our well-being and the well-being of our most important relationships.

The Grass is Always Greener...

My wife and I are both marriage therapists and we have a favorite saying that we share whenever we do a marriage education class:  the grass is always greener where you water it.   This saying actually applies not just to marriage, but to all areas of our lives:  jobs, parenting, friendships, physical wellness, and of course lawn care! This week we learned that Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing after forty years of marriage.  Apparently they both came to the conclusion that their marriage had become a fence that was holding them back from something greener, something better on the other side.  They came to the conclusion that live would be greener on the other side of the fence.  I have no intention of joining all those who are trying to speculate on the "real" reasons for their break up.  I do know this though about all marriages:  like a garden, they require ongoing watering and weeding.  It is easy to recognize gardens and marriages that are being watered and cared for on a regular basis.

If you wished to become a master gardner, a master at growing plants, you would no doubt read books, take classes and talk to others you could learn from.  That approach also works well for those who want to become a master at "growing their marriages" as well.  And speaking of books, let me recommend a relatively new one called The New Rules of Marriage:  What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, by Terrence Real.

Below you will find a quick summary of his thoughts on the five things that build up a relationship and the five things that break relationships apart.  He calls these the five "losing strategies" and the five "winning strategies."  While he is writing about marriage, it really applies to all the important relationships in our lives.

The Five Losing Strategies

• Needing to be right
• Controlling your partner
• Unbridled self-expression
• Retaliation
• Withdrawal

The Five Winning Strategies

• Shifting from complaint to request
• Speaking out with love and savvy
• Responding with generosity
• Empowering each other
• Cherishing

I highly recommend the book to anyone who wants to grow and co-create better relationships in their lives.  Getting new input on a regular basis is vital for growers of plants and growers of relationships.  That's the first step.  The second step is then doing the work!

Remember, the grass is always greener when and where you water it!

Commencement Exercises

Most of us know someone who is graduating this time of year.  Perhaps we will be attending a graduation ceremony, or reading a famous person’s commencement address, or reflecting back to our own graduations. The fact that graduations are called commencements has always caught my attention.  Calling them commencement ceremonies makes it clear that every ending is also a beginning.  To quote the song, “Closing Time,” by Semisonic, “every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”  (If you’ve never heard of this song, ask someone who is graduating about it!)

There is another term related to graduation and commencement ceremonies that truly captures what is happening in those moments,  and at the same time has a great message for all of us, whether we are graduates or not.  Commencement ceremonies are also referred to as commencement exercises, as in “the 165th Commencement Exercises for the University of _______ will be held.....”

I love the phrase “commencement exercises” because it makes it clear that beginning something new takes effort!  Like all forms of exercise, beginning something new takes discipline, commitment, and intentional effort over a prolonged period of time.  The rewards from such exercise may not be apparent immediately, or even in the short term, but over time, regular exercise will always make a marked difference our lives.

In honor of all who will be participating in official commencement exercises this year, I’d like to offer a suggestion for the rest of us.  Why not think about creating a commencement exercise for yourself right now?  Is there something new that you would like to do to increase wellness in some aspect of your life?  Would you like to start a new hobby, a new workout program, a new activity with someone you love?  Would you like to learn a foreign language, or start a new garden, or start a new spiritual practice or routine?

Creating commencement exercises on a regular basis is a good thing!  It strengthens the muscles we need for negotiating transitions and helps us to thrive.  Commencement exercises keep us strong in body, mind and spirit.

So as we celebrate and honor all who are participating in commencement exercises, I hope we all will think about creating a few commencement exercises of our own.

Response Ability

Does anyone else find the term “oil spill” just a tad weak for what is happening in the Gulf of Mexico? I use the word “spill’ when I knock over a glass of milk or a cup of coffee. I think “oil explosion catastrophe” might be more accurate for what began on April 20th and continues today. Given the enormity of this disaster, it is not surprising that there has been plenty of blame to go around for who is at fault for this mess. Here is an excerpt from an article on CNN’s website today: “The companies (British Petroleum, Transocean, and Halliburton( blamed each other. BP pointed to Transocean, which said BP was responsible for the wellhead's design and Halliburton was responsible for the cement finishing work. Halliburton, in turn, said that its workers were just following BP's orders, but that Transocean was responsible for maintaining the rig's blowout preventer.” Well that certainly clarifies things!

I think it is human nature--and not the best part of our human nature--that leads us to want to point fault at someone else when we find ourselves involved in a situation that is going poorly. What three year old, when “caught” by mom or dad in the midst of an escalating fight with a sibling or friend, stops and says, “you know mom/dad, I need to take responsibility for my part of this problem.” Quite the opposite. For toddlers and adults alike, the first reaction is likely to be some version of “well he/she started it--I was only reacting to what was happening.”

“I was only reacting to.........” is a comment I hear a great deal in my counseling and coaching sessions. “Yes, what I said or did may have been out of control, but I was only reacting to ...... his/her constant criticism.....my teen’s insolent attitude......my toddler’s tantrum.....the angry email they sent me.....” “He/She/They started it!”

There is very important difference between reacting and responding to a difficult situation. When we react, we usually feel out of control, and that is why we say the other person is to blame for our reaction. Responding is different than reacting. It involves our being able to choose the response we wish to make. This ability to choose our response is how I think of the word “responsibility.” A person with a high degree of emotional and spiritual wellness, has available to them a wide variety of responses from which they can choose when they find themselves in complex and tense situations. The opposite of this is the “reactor,” who typically can only blame or counterattack.

I have no idea who bears or shares responsibility for the Gulf of Mexico oil mess. I know this, though: I share responsibility for every emotional mess, every “emotional spill” I have ever found myself being a part of in my personal or work life. After all, the common denominator in all of those “spills” is me! I still have a long way to go, but coming to this realization many years ago was the first step for me in becoming more responsible, giving me greater “response ability” in difficult situations.