Big Shoes To Fill

I went to see Jakob Dylan in concert last night.  You may not be familiar with him, but you have probably heard of his father.   I have seen Bob Dylan in concert numerous times, but this was the first time seeing Jakob.  Jakob just released his second solo album and it is clear that he is really finding his own style and his own voice.  Here is a link to the song that he opened the concert with last night, “Nothing But The Whole Wide World.”  It is also the opening song on his new album:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueRW-U3PPeM&feature=related

The biggest challenge for Jakob Dylan has been to get people to stop comparing him to his father.  I wonder how many times he has had to endure someone saying, “you know, you have some big shoes to fill.”  That statement has been said to me several times in my own life and I have never liked it.  It was probably said to inspire me, but it always made me feel like the person was really skeptical about whether I could fulfill the role in the way they were expecting me to do so.

Several years ago I was called to be the pastor of a church and I knew I was following a strong, successful leader.  In fact, during the interview process, I was told several times that I would have some big shoes to fill if I got the job.  After I was called to the position, I heard that statement several more times, and so I decided to address it directly in my first sermon.  I said to the congregation on my first Sunday, “I do have some big shoes to fill around here--my own.  And those are the hardest shoes of all for any of us to fill.”

Along with Jakob Dylan, you and I do have big shoes to fill--our own.  We do that by being the best, brightest and fullest version of ourselves that we can be.  Jakob Dylan’s goals isn’t to write and sings songs so that he can sound like his father, but to write and sing songs that express his own unique voice and perspective.  Each of us is an experiment of one, with our own unique set of gifts, talent and energy.  When we are fully authentic and alive to our own unique passions and gifts, both we, and everyone else around us, can feel that energy, because it’s contagious. On the other hand, when we are instead trying to be like someone else, or trying to be someone that we think others want us to be, our energy will be just the opposite as we become tired and depressed.

A story is told of a student who said to her wise teacher, “I want to make a difference in the world--what does the world need me to do?”  The teacher responded, “do what makes you feel most alive, because the world needs more people that are fully alive.”  One of the lyrics in the Jakob Dylan song that I provided the link to above talks about how God wants “nothing but the whole wide world for us.”  I could not agree more.  God wants nothing more than for us to be fully alive, filling our own shoes, the shoes that He has given us to fill.

Emotional Cutoffs

In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist I sometimes deal with what are known as “emotional cutoffs.”   Emotional cutoffs are not the latest summer fashion, but are something that can occurs when conflict between two people--it could be family members, friends or colleagues--has become so volatile that they simply stop talking to each other and hardly even acknowledge that the other exists.  The “emotional cutoff” can last for years or decades, and even get passed on from one generation to another.  

The tension that leads to such an “emotional cutoff” usually builds for some time, but the final blow that creates the cutoff is usually some incident where one of the parties has finally had it and loses all control of their anger and just “goes off” on the other person.  They literally spew years of built up anger and hurt, and in the process create irreparable hurt in the relationship.  This spewing is not unlike the recent spewing of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland.

This whole volcano incident is what has me thinking about emotional cutoffs.  Like emotional cutoffs, volcano eruptions occur in all different degrees and intensity, as well as the damage they cause.  The current volcano eruption in Iceland has paralyzed hundreds of thousands of people, leaving them isolated, alone, unable to connect with loved ones and unable to move from where they are.

The spewing of ashes, like the spewing of emotions, never leads to something positive.  Things become much less clear after spewing. I just read an article that said one concern in Iceland right now is that whenever one volcano erupts, the history has been that this often triggers other eruptions of nearby volcanos. How true this can be in relationships as well!  Spewing is indeed contagious.

So what are the alternatives?  Regarding volcanos, there probably aren’t any--they don’t exactly have the ability to make conscious decisions to do something different.  Regarding relationships, there are always other, better options.  You and I do have the ability to make conscious decisions about how to express our hurt and anger.  Scripture says, “Be angry, but do not sin.”  I take this to mean that there is an important difference between the feeling of anger--or hurt (which is almost always hiding under the cover of anger)--and its expression.  Feelings are neutral; behaviors--what we do with our feelings--are not.

When you first feel hurt or anger towards someone you care about, make the decision to talk about it with them right away.  Avoid self-righteousness and bring it up in a way that respects that they have their own version, their own experience of what has happened.  After you have spoken, be prepared to really listen to their side of things.    This listening sounds easy in theory, but because most of us dislike conflict and work to avoid it, we often avoid having the conversations we need to have when tension is first felt in a relationship.

I just read the following on a U.S. Geology Service website:  “Removing, transporting, and disposing volcanic ash is a dirty, time-consuming, and costly challenge.”  I have no experience with cleaning up the fallout of volcanic ash, but I’m sure this information is true.  I do have plenty of experience helping people clean up the fallout from “emotional volcanic ash” and I can assure you it is just as dirty, time-consuming and costly.  While there is nothing we can do to stop geological volcanoes, we absolutely can--and must--do all that we are able to do to prevent emotional volcanoes in ourselves in those around us.  The cost and cleanup are simply far too high.

The Ground Begins to Soften

This is indeed a holy week as Jews celebrate Passover and Christians celebrate Easter.  Both holidays (holy days) are a celebration of new beginnings, of movement from bondage to freedom, from death to life.  All around us this time of year, there are abundant signs of rebirth:  buds on the trees, robins returning, and bunnies and eggs every where we turn. For me though, there is always a sign that is a more meaningful indicator of new life this time of year, and that is that the ground begins to soften. First the snow melts, and then gradually the ground that has been hidden all winter begins to soften.  

I love being able to move my runs off the concrete sidewalks and on to the soft earth which provides welcome cushioning to my aching back.  Softening ground is wet ground this time of year and I love the squishing sound that my shoes make with every step I take.  The softer ground means that soccer season, and baseball season are not far away, and also that the grass will soon turn green and flowers will begin to emerge.   The softer earth gives rise to so many miraculous expressions of new life.  Soft ground will probably never replace bunnies and eggs as a sign of new life.  It's hard to imagine how Hallmark or Walgreen's could market the image of the ground softening.  But I offer you this image because I think it such a great metaphor for what real resurrection, what real escape from bondage looks and feels like.

I know because I see it in my office every day, in my work as a pastor and a therapist.   People usually come to see me because life has become hard for them.  Literally.  They come in with hearts, minds, souls and even bodies that have become hardened and rigid.  They come alone or they come with their loved one or they bring their whole family because everyone has become hardened to each other.  This hardness is usually the result of frozen sadness or hurt, or unresolved conflict or grief and the hardness has built up over a long period of time. Why have they come?  Because deep down, they don't want to be hard-hearted, or hard-minded, or hard-spirited, towards themselves or towards the people they love most.  Deep down, a small, still voice longs for something different.  And because they are willing to listen to this longing, slowly, imperceptibly at first, a miracle begins to happen.  The ground begins to soften.  And just as when the earth begins to soften, when the heart/mind/soul begins to soften there is lots of moisture, lots of tears.    The softening heart/mind/soul, just like the softening earth, soon gives rise to all kinds of miraculous new life.  People forgive each other and they forgive themselves.  People touch and hug and make love who haven't done so for a long time.  There is laughter where once there was criticism.  There is joy where there once was shame and guilt.  There is freedom where there once was bondage.  There is life where there once was death.

Whether you celebrate Easter, Passover or simply the new life that is Spring, my wish for you is the abundance of new life that comes when that which has been hardened begins to soften.

P.S.  Last week I wrote about the importance of timeouts.  I will be on vacation next week, taking a timeout, and so the Weekly Words of Wellness will return the following week.

The Importance of Timeouts

I've been watching a lot of college basketball recently as the NCAA men's tournament is in full swing and I have been reminded of two very important lessons that I'd like to share with you.  First, I have been reminded of how impossible it is to predict the future, no matter how sure you just "know" what is going to happen.  I just knew Kansas was going to win it all--I would have put money on that "fact"--wait, I DID put money on that "fact"!   My NCAA brackets have never been so broken after just two rounds--a great lesson in humility. The other lesson for me this year is the importance of a well-timed timeout.  Timeouts are a very important part of a coach's strategy and the art of knowing when to call one is a gift that great coaches possess.  So what constitutes a well-timed timeout?  It seems that there are two clear cases when a timeout is most effective.  The first is when the game is suddenly getting out of had and your team is on the edge of falling apart.  The other team has just scored eight unanswered points and your team is flustered having just made its second unforced turnover.  A timeout gives the coach a chance to help his team regroup.

The second occasion that calls for a timeout, is when your team has a really important play that is has to make.  There's ten seconds left in the half or the game and the score is tied.  A time out by either coach will help their team prepare their best play, or their best defense.  A timeout helps them be able to prepare and be sure that they are in sync so that the can make their best effort.

The importance of a well-timed timeout is as essential to our own personal and family wellness as it is to a winning basketball team.  And the best times for these timeouts is very similar.  Whenever you find yourself getting flustered or falling apart because life is getting out of had, it's a great time to call a timeout:   A parent who is stressed out by their kids and is about to say something they are really going to regret, needs a timeout (kids aren't the only ones that need be given timeouts--sometimes parents need to give a timeout to themselves.)    A couple who find themselves flooded with emotion as a fight is escalating needs a timeout.  This kind of timeout does not ignore the conflict, but gives the couple a chance to calm down and reengage each other with cooler heads and softer hearts.    A family that is going 90 miles an hour in five different directions needs a timeout just to have time to slow down, reconnect and remind one another of the priority of family.

Timeouts are also essential for our personal and family life when we need to plan for special times:  vacations, holidays, family celebrations, or an important transition or decision.  The purpose of these timeouts is to pause long enough so that an intentional game plan can be developed to maximize the enjoyment of the upcoming event or decision.  It is also a time to get the whole "team" on board with the plan and if necessary to make changes to the plan to get everyone's full commitment.  Special occasions in our lives call for special time to plan for them and be intentional as we move in to them.

A basketball coach has a limited number of timeouts he/she can call each game..  The good news for us is that we have no such limits.  As the coaches of our own lives and as the coaches of our families, we are free to call as many timeouts as we need.  The important thing is realize when the need is there and then to not hesitate to make the call.