Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.
Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can’t think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it’s called emotional flooding—it’s when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day.
As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur.
Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it’s hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time.
When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible “pit in our stomach,” racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety.
Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment. Rather than blaming someone else and “flying off the handle” (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship. When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a “time out” for ourselves. This is an example of the parenting strategy of “counting to ten” when they are feeling angry with a child. When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help.
1. Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths.
2. Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example.
3. Using “I” statements rather than accusing. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly,” is far more helpful than “You are the one that is making me act this way right now.
Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships.
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