"Time Change"

"Time Change”

The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.

We recently visited some friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while. It was a delight to share memories and catch up on each other’s lives. The next day, we agreed that we both wanted to make more time for experiences like that.

The semi-annual ritual of changing our clocks, which we will all engage in again soon, provides an opportunity for us to reflect on time and how much time we are making for what matters most to us.

Just as it is a good practice to regularly reflect on how we spend, save, or share our money, the same thing can be helpful in reflecting on how we spend our time. Suggesting that we pause to take an audit of how we are spending our time is not meant to be an exercise in self-criticism but a way to bring to mind anything we wish we were making more time for, but are not. This is what we were doing when we realized we wanted to spend more time connecting with friends.

Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed with responsibilities and challenges that we feel like we have no time for anything else. There may also be times when we feel like we have nothing but time on our hands. Either way, pausing to reflect on how we are choosing to spend our time can be helpful.

In place of any judgment about how we are using our time, we find that this simple question can be most empowering: “What is one thing that, if I spent more or less time doing it this week, would enhance my overall wellbeing?

Pause and ask yourself that question with self-compassion. If you gain some clarity from the question, then receive that and do what comes to mind. Hopefully, this will be a gift you can give yourself and others today or this week. For us, it was and is spending time with friends. What is it for you?

*If you are stuck or need help with this, looking at our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing might stimulate some ideas. You can find it HERE.

Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs

****************************************************************************************************************

In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

"Choosing the View From the Bridge: Our Observing Self & Our Experiencing Self"

"Choosing the View From the Bridge: Our Observing Self & Our Experiencing Self"

The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.

With the recent record warmth in Wisconsin we took advantage of the weather and went for a long hike last Saturday. One of the highlights of our walk was pausing on an old wooden bridge to watch the water flowing under our feet. Observing silently for an extended time, we noticed how often our view changed. We saw many different sizes and shapes of sticks floating by, along with various sizes and shapes of dried leaves. Occasionally, a piece of recently freed ice drifted into view as well. And between the multiple objects floating by, there were long stretches of crystal clear water.

Our experience reminded us of a concept we often teach people who are having trouble with experiencing anxious thoughts. And who among us doesn't struggle with anxious thoughts at times?

We teach that it is helpful to think of each of us having an "experiencing self" and an "observing self." When we experience anxious thoughts, as the phrase "experience anxious thoughts" makes evident, our experiencing self is having those thoughts and feelings. When we pause and notice that we have been having many worried thoughts, it is our observing self that is doing the noticing. Other examples might be when we see that we have been irritable and overly reactive. Or when we notice that we have been eating poorly when stressed. Or when we notice that we go shopping to take our mind off things troubling us. That is our observing self doing the noticing.

Returning to the scene of our watching the flow of the stream on our recent hike, that was our observing selves standing on the bridge and watching what went by. We were merely observing what was happening in front of us.

The flow of the stream can be compared to our experiencing selves, literally experiencing the flow of our thoughts and feelings and all that comes with that. Sometimes, there is lots of debris floating by; other times, the water is crystal clear.

Just as a person has no control over what floats by in the stream, we often have little control over what floats through our minds at any given time, nor what feelings come along. What we do have control over is our capacity to get up on the bridge, and to access our observing self. This is particularly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. If we can let ourselves adopt the perspective that these things will naturally float on by with time, and we needn't be swept along by them, we will feel in better control.

Here are some real-life examples of how this can help. A parent is exasperated by their teen and about to lose control. Instead of losing control, they realize that they need to call a time-out and tell their teen that they need to go for a walk to calm down. They can resume their conversation later. The parent has used their observing self to notice their experiencing self becoming overwhelmed. They then made an excellent call to calm the river of their emotions before continuing the conversation. The observing self helped the experiencing self gain perspective and calm down.

Imagine receiving an email or text message that irritates you. Your experiencing self may want to send an angry reply immediately. Fortunately, you can intentionally climb up on the bridge. Then you can have your observing self help you to make the decision to respond in a few hours, or even the next day, when you are not so emotionally flooded. Responding from your observing self will undoubtedly be much more productive.

Some practices we can use to strengthen our observing self include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or talking to a therapist. Strengthening our ability to step out of the river of thoughts and feelings and onto the bridge of the observing self is a sure way to enhance our personal wellness and the wellbeing of our relationships.

Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs

****************************************************************************************************************

In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

"Balance As a Verb"

Balance As a Verb

The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.

The two of us recently had the opportunity to be guest presenters at classes on wellness coaching at the University of Wisconsin, here in the state capitol of Madison, where we live. We are honored to be working with the university to develop a student peer wellness coaching program that is partially based on the resources we have created.

One of the things we enjoyed discussing with the students last week was how hard it is to change habits. It became clear that this is not just true for those of us in the second half of life, but is equally valid for eighteen - to twenty-two-year-olds. In our discussions, the students shared how it's complicated because they realize that the very habits that have served them well, for example, regularly pushing themselves to work and perform to the point of exhaustion, are also habits they know sometimes compromise their wellbeing. They struggle with balancing the reward of achieving good grades and getting into good programs with how anxious and overwhelmed they sometimes feel. They kept saying that they were striving for balance but found it challenging, reporting that just when they start to feel more centered, some new challenges come their way.

The balance we seek varies throughout the life cycle. Like riding a bicycle, we never actually achieve perfect balance. As we talked with the students, we discussed how a regular practice of self-awareness helps all of us make the constant adjustments it takes to keep riding forward. And we discussed how this is true for their parents, professors, and everyone they know and have known, as it is a lifelong process for all of us. Several students shared the insight that it's easier to make small changes on an ongoing basis than to wait until a crisis forces them to change in a big way.

Later, as we talked with the students about their peer wellness coaching work, we shared with them that asking good questions is the most essential tool they will use. We explained how the person they are coaching is always the expert on their own lives and will intuitively know whatever changes they want or need to make. They will be the ones that know best if and when a change needs to be made.

They decided they liked the following question and would use it in their meetings with other students." Is there some change you already know of, something that, if you either did more of or less of, would enhance your wellbeing and balance right now? Can you share with me what that might be?" It's a great question not just for young people to be asking, but for all of us as well.

Asking ourselves, "What small change could I make right now to enhance my wellbeing?" is always a good start. Then listening and acting, on an ongoing basis, to the answers that come to mind, regarding all areas of our lives, will keep us pedaling down the road with a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs

****************************************************************************************************************

In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

"Both Sides Now"

Both Sides Now

The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week we write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.

Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "

We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.

Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.

Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.

Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."

As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.

If you want to hear more about how this song speaks to us, listen to this week's 11-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find HERE.

****************************************************************************************************************

In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast

Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

"Growing Our Relationships"

Growing Our Relationships

The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, and other community wellness organizations. Each week we write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast.

Are you looking for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone special to you? Read on for a recommendation for a gift that will not cost you a penny but will require something else from you instead.

The quote in the box above, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional," from author John Maxwell, is one of our favorites. Maxwell writes leadership books, so it is natural that the wisdom of this quote is something he often applies to organizations and businesses. In honor of Valentine's Day approaching, though, we would like to reflect on its meaning as it pertains to love and relationships. 

All relationships change over time, as change is inevitable. This is true of every relationship we are a part of, whether they be with family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and, of course, romantic relationships. While every relationship experiences change over time, not all relationships experience growth. Why? Because, as the Maxwell quote says, growth is optional. 

Growth happens when people are committed to the ongoing emotional growth relationships require. Growth occurs when both people see conflict and challenging times as opportunities for growth in understanding each other and are willing to learn and use new communication and listening skills. Growth also occurs when we accept that from time to time relationships get stuck, and that it is wise to ask for help by seeking out a therapist, a coach, a course, or book.  

Our last column and podcast talked about how "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." This is so true when it comes to relationships. Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder that our relationships need attention and nurturing, not just at this time of year, but always.  

So, in addition to whatever cards or gifts we may give this Valentine's Day, let's consider that the greatest gift of all may be a renewed commitment to growing and tending our relationships.  

****************************************************************************************************************

In addition to this column, there is also an episode of the Wellness Compass podcast based on this column. You can listen in your favorite podcast app and at www.WellnessCompass.org/podcast

Authors: Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.