Hope and the Mud Season

 
 

Hope and the Mud Season

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we actually have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree temperature swings that often occur daily, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine. 

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine, and closer to home the continued school shootings and the political uncertainty in our own country can create enormous swings of emotions within us day to day, or even hour to hour.  

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and research that the presence of hope within a person profoundly affects their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering. 

We believe that hope is like a muscle; it is not something we either have or don't have, but it can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality. 

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe. 

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our fifteen-minute podcast, which is a companion to this column, we discuss some practices that nurture hope. You can listen to the podcast by clicking HERE or down below.

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it. 

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do to nourish your spirit and sense of hope right now? 

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)


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Celebrating Assist Leaders

 
 

Celebrating Assist Leaders

Caitlin Clark is one of the reasons the University of Iowa women’s basketball team will be in the NCAA Final Four this weekend. What we admire most about her is not that she is a prolific scorer, although she is number three in the nation in that category, but instead because she is the assist leader for all collegiate women players this year.

An assist, in basketball and other sports, is the act of making a pass to another player who then scores. The player making the assist often gives up a chance to score herself to allow her teammate (who she thinks has a better shot) to score. Assist leaders are unselfish, which is why we celebrate and admire Caitlin Clark. We also want to give a shout-out to Marquis Nowell of Kansas State, who broke the single-game assist record in the men’s NCAA basketball tournament this year. Excellent work, you two!

Alas, this is a column about health and wellness, not basketball, but you might already have guessed the connection to wellness in our focus on assists. In our work as therapists, we have been honored to meet countless assist leaders—people who make the decision every day to support the well-being of others. Some of these people are family members who care for loved ones, some are people who help in some way in their communities, and some help others when they are at work, and the list goes on. These people, who often don’t get the recognition they deserve, are the real stars of the game of life.

On our Wellness Compass podcast this week, Scott talked about another related crucial aspect of well-being, and that is that of knowing when to ask for assistance ourselves. We all need the assistance of others to be our best, and knowing when to ask for help is critical to our health and wellness.

So here’s to all the assist leaders in our lives. May we celebrate them, and may we be inspired to imitate them.

Making It Personal:

Who do you know right now that could benefit from your assistance? How specifically might you offer that assistance this week? Is there some help or assistance you need right now, and who could you reach out to ask for “an assist?”?

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on how interdependency is crucial to well-being. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)


Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Detaching From the Outcome

 
 

Detaching From the Outcome

IWe carefully filled out the NCAA Men's and Women's basketball tournament brackets last week, both hoping for the best. We just checked our brackets, and out of the 20,056,273 entries submitted to ESPN, Scott is currently in 18,984,367th place. Holly's situation is only slightly better. While our ability to predict the future is clearly lacking, here's one prediction we are confident making. Neither one of us is going to win the ESPN bracket challenge. 

Do you know the odds of picking a perfect bracket involving 68 teams? 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. That number is so large we had to look it up to know how to say it. If you're wondering too, it's nine quintillion, two hundred twenty-three quadrillion, three hundred seventy-two trillion, thirty-six billion, eight hundred fifty-four million, seven hundred seventy-five thousand, eight hundred eight.

We can learn at least two wellness lessons from engaging in this annual rite of prognostication. The first is humility. We may like to think we either know or can predict what will happen in our lives with some degree of certainty. But clearly, when our 'brackets are busted,' we are once again reminded that there are always surprises and upsets outside of our control.

The second lesson is the value of nurturing the ability to detach from the outcome. Detaching from the outcome involves doing things wholeheartedly, while at the same time knowing, and being ok with, the fact that we can't control the outcome. It does not mean that we don't care about what happens. It means that we don't become so anxious or fixed on the end result that we try to either force a conclusion or, are so determined to have things be a certain way that we fail to bring our best selves to the experience.

Imagine, for example, that you are so worried about someone you care about that you try to control or strongly influence their behavior. In such a situation, you will likely unintentionally radiate distrust and anxiety and thus hurt the relationship, as the other person then experiences your words or actions as unsupportive. Now imagine that instead, you show up as the most loving and kind person you can be. You share your love and concern and then detach from the outcome of their choices or behaviors. With this mindset, you are more likely to strengthen the relationship and be experienced as an ally by the other person.

Here's one more example of how detaching from the outcome can be helpful. Imagine you have a job interview or a presentation that you are giving. You are so anxious about getting affirmation or getting the job that you come across as insecure and maybe even pushy. What if, instead of focusing your energy only on the result, you focus on being fully prepared and sharing the best of who you are and what you know? The paradox is that when we often stop worrying about or forcing outcomes, we may find that the desired results are more likely to occur. 

Basketball teams, as seen in the exciting ongoing tournaments, are never in complete control of the outcomes of their games. However, they are in control of their preparation, commitment, willingness to work as a team, attitude, and bringing their best efforts to each game. 

An excellent three-point shot percentage for college players is making 35% of the shots taken, which means that at least two-thirds of the shots are missed. That could be a third lesson for us. Like the men and women we watch playing in the tournaments, we still want to keep taking our best shots in life, understanding that missing many of our shots is a given.

Making It Personal: 

What helps you detach from the outcome when you are anxious? 

Can you think of a time when you were able to let go of trying to force something you wanted, and it ended up ultimately helping you or someone else?

 Is there an outcome that you are pushing for right now that could benefit from you loosening your grip? 

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on how the wisdom of letting go and detaching from the outcome. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)


Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

 
 

A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we are celebrating the wisdom of Ireland. The Irish are known for their pithy words of wisdom, which we believe are relevant to this column's wellness focus. In no particular order, here are several of our favorite Irish sayings. Read them carefully and see which ones resonate with you. 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far or too fast.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were.

When you are unsure of the way, walk slowly.

Two people shorten the road.

Count your joys more than your woes, count your friends instead of your foes.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Don't be breaking your shin on a stool that's not in your way.

May the hinges of your friendships never grow rusty.

The best things in life are the people we love, the places we have been, and the memories we have made along the way.

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

We invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with us by replying to this email or posting on our Wellness Compass Facebook page.  

This week's Wellness Compass podcast expands on several of these Irish sayings, applying the wisdom they provide to our well-being. You can listen to the podcast HERE.

Making It Personal:

  1. Which of these Irish sayings speaks to you the most?

  2. Considering the saying you chose, is there something you can do this week to live into its wisdom?

  3. Is there another piece of Irish wisdom, or perhaps wisdom from your own culture, that also speaks to you about well-being?

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on how Irish wisdom can enhance our wellness. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)


Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Changing Our Perspective, Changes Our Experience

 
 

Changing Our Perspective, Changes Our Experience

Years ago, when I (Holly) was in high school and college, I was lucky enough to take several drawing classes, some with still lifes or inanimate objects and others with live models. I learned a lot in those classes and only some of what I learned had to do with actually capturing what I saw on paper. I learned other lessons then that have helped me in life over the years.

I learned then to look very closely and to seriously study what I was seeing. Was what I was seeing really what was there, or was my vantage point skewed in some way? I learned to look for variations in light and dark, shapes and colors, and how they intersected and faded into one another. We learned that our perspective made a huge difference and that seeing anything from a different point of view made the subject look very different from what we had first seen, yet it was still correct.

We were encouraged to move about the room, getting closer and further away, standing up on a chair or crouching down low, always observing what was before us, but from a different angle. All of this was an attempt to teach us that different perspectives would yield different views and that the ability to view things from multiple perspectives would yield a better and more in-depth understanding of the subject before us.

As marriage and family therapists, we also know about the importance of multiple perspectives. For example, imagine a teen and parent are locked in a conflict where each can only see the critical behavior of the other, both feeling that this conflict can only get better when the other changes their behavior. A breakthrough occurs when, for example, the teen can share that they are hurting because of some significant challenge they are facing, so underneath their angry, argumentative behavior, they are hiding sadness and vulnerability. Once this is shared, the parent softens, and their whole perspective changes. The parent then reveals that underneath their anger and judgment is really a feeling of concern and worry. Healing and reconciliation occur in the relationship when they share their unexpressed feelings, making it possible to gradually shift their perspectives.

One trait that significantly aids us in our ability to expand our perspective on a matter is curiosity. Don’t just take our word on this. The next time you find yourself entertaining a negative judgment about someone’s behavior or position on a matter, try suspending that judgment long enough to be curious. Ask questions to understand more about what the person is thinking or feeling. Try looking at what is occurring from their point of view. Remain open to other ways to understand what is happening. This very openness will often strengthen the relationship, even if, in the end, you still agree to see things differently..

We have all likely had the experience of forming a quick judgment about someone and their behavior. And then, later, once we learned more of their story, we came to see them differently. Our ability to suspend judgment and remain curious expands our perspective, and our experience of them changes.

In this time of polarized perspectives, both in the world and even in relationships, inviting us to consider multiple perspectives is indeed a road less traveled. But it is one that we repeatedly have found to be beneficial, whether in drawing and art, or in our relationships with others.

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To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of perspectives. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast this week that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about—the integration of spirituality and wellness. You can listen to the newly launched Living Compass podcast by clicking on the word “Podcast” in the bar at the top of this Living Compass webpage or find it in your favorite podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc.)


Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.