Changing Our Routines

Changing Our Routines

Our five-year-old grandson has recently been taught all the safety procedures needed to operate their family’s small electric lawnmower, and to say he is proud is quite an understatement. On a recent visit to our house, he wanted to show off his new electric mower abilities. 

An adult needs to walk with him when he operates the mower, so I was delighted to volunteer. We got the mower in place in the backyard, and just before we started it, I explained to him the "right" way to cut the grass. I explained that I go around the yard's perimeter first and then gradually work my way in with each successive pass. He cast a look of disbelief my way and then said, “Pops, that's boring, and besides, that's not how I do it. I just go wherever I feel like going.” And with that, he started the mower and was off. My backyard currently is about one-third mowed in the most creative, random pattern you can possibly imagine. By the look on his face, along with his shrieks of delight, I must say he seemed to be having a lot more fun cutting the lawn than I ever do. (You can see a sample of how our backyard currently looks in the photo quote box above as the background for that is a photo I took today).

I have resisted my urge to go and finish mowing the backyard “correctly,” and so it is currently serving as a reminder that sometimes a person just needs to shake up their habitual ways of doing things. It’s not that routines aren’t necessary. But we all know that sometimes routines can turn into ruts. Individuals, relationships, and organizations can lose imagination and passion when they become so beholden to established patterns that limit their ability to see new and creative ways of doing things.  

In my counseling and coaching work, it is not uncommon for me to hear comments such as, “We've never done it that way before,” and “We don’t go there—that’s just not something we talk about.” Unconscious rules often govern individuals and relationships, and the role of counseling is often to raise those unconscious rules into awareness so that they can be re-examined. When this happens, people may discover that maybe it's okay to be more assertive, or perhaps it's okay to address conflict more directly, or maybe it's okay to try new and creative ways of doing things. And perhaps it is even okay to set different boundaries and say “no” more often.

And, now I'm going way outside my comfort zone here…, but maybe, just maybe, it’s okay for me to try a whole new approach to how I mow my yard.  

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Reopening With Intention

Reopening With Intention

“Most days, I feel like I’m drinking from a fire hose.” Today I cringe when I think how often I used to say these words in response to someone asking me how things were going.

I was unaware, back before Covid, of much I was idealizing busyness. Hurrying from one thing to another, I failed to realize how unable I was to be fully present and attentive to what I was doing.

I say, “used to,” because since the pandemic hit a little over a year ago, I am no longer drinking from that proverbial firehose. I joke that it took a pandemic to get me to slow down enough to wake up to how much I needed to change. As I write this, I realize that I am privileged to have work that has allowed me to work at home and readjust my pace this last year. I am well aware that many essential workers, and those unable to work from home, have had the opposite experience. My respect and gratitude for them are immense.

As our worlds begin to emerge from the depths of the pandemic, we all will have choices to make about what parts of our pre-pandemic lives and routines we wish to re-establish. Last April, I shared a quote that still speaks to me, “In a rush to return to normal, may we use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth going back to” (David Hollis).

As states, communities, businesses, and other organizations announce their reopening plans, it is wise for us to remember that when it comes to our personal wellness, we will also benefit from being thoughtful about thinking through our individual reopening plans. In what ways do we want our lives to look like they were, and in what ways do we want them to look different? While there are many consequences of the pandemic that we can’t wait to have behind us, there may be new routines that we have established this past year that we want to maintain. For example, I have cooked more healthy meals at home in the last year than in the previous ten, and that is something I am committed to continuing. 

In the wellness coaching I do with individuals, I often start with some version of the question, “What do you want more of in your life, and what do you want less of?” If you are like me, the pandemic has provided an extra-long pause to reflect on that question. And now, as we begin to reopen our lives slowly, we will have many opportunities to answer that question in the choices we make. 

One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to enjoy drinking both water and life from a cup rather than from a firehose.  

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The Grace of New Beginnings

The Grace of New Beginnings

The sounds of spring are abundant in Wisconsin this time of year. We are now hearing the familiar honks of the Canadian geese and the unmistakable sound of the chorus frogs, better known as “spring peepers.” Ice-free streams are gurgling again, and spring rain showers are tapping on our roofs and windows. All of these signs of new life are a balm for our tired souls. 

Signs of new life are at the heart of the Jewish celebration of Passover and the Christian celebration of Easter, both of which occur this week. The stories of these traditions point to the truth that suffering and death are never the final word, but instead, they can, over time, both be transformed into new beginnings and new life.  

Both traditions speak not of a return to life as it was but a dramatic move forward to a changed life. The stories of Passover and Easter remind us though that new life is never without fear, vulnerability, and risk.  

Irish poet, author, and priest John O’Donohue writes beautifully about the risk of new beginnings. His poem "For a New Beginning" came to mind this week. I will close with it, along with best wishes to all who this week are celebrating Passover, Easter, or any other new beginning.

FOR A NEW BEGINNING, by John O'Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart, 

Where your thoughts never think to wander, 

This beginning has been quietly forming, 

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire, 

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, 

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered, 

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, 

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled, 

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream, 

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear 

You can trust the promise of this opening; 

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning 

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; 

Soon you will home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

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Resilience and Relationships

Resilience and Relationships

This week I had the honor to present a live workshop on resilience via Zoom for an organization in New Hampshire. One of the unexpected blessings of this pandemic has been the many opportunities we have had to virtually visit and present wellness programs to organizations across the country and around the world. Just a few months ago, my wife, Holly Hughes Stoner, who shares the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation's work with me, had the chance to offer a live presentation for a non-profit organization that uses our teen wellness materials in Nairobi, Kenya. We both love traveling the world to support others who are enhancing wellness in their local communities, all without leaving our home office.

My resilience presentation's main focus this week was the vital role our relationships play in our capacity to be resilient, particularly in the midst of challenging times. The pandemic has made us all painfully aware of how essential relationships are to our mental health and overall well-being. At a time when we have all been negatively affected by the pandemic, many of us have been most challenged by the need for support from friends and loved ones and the difficulty in being able to give and receive that relational support. 

A mistaken idea about resilience is that it is primarily an individual strength or characteristic that a person either possesses or does not possess. My resilience talk took a different perspective and focused on how resilience is strongly rooted in relationships. As the quote above says, “When ‘i’ is replaced with “we,” illness becomes wellness.

Throughout this past year, I have repeatedly heard people talking about things that they will never again take for granted again. What I hear mentioned most often are relationships. In addition, people talk about missing activities usually done with others (eating out, concerts, traveling, movies, etc.). There is no doubt that our relational bonds have been challenged this past year.

As we begin to feel more hopeful that we can gradually start seeing friends and family again, it seems like an ideal time to be intentional about prioritizing the care and well-being of our significant relationships. May it be so that we never again take our friends and family for granted.

I often write about the wisdom that, “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.” I can’t think of a better time to pay more attention to and recommit to nurturing, and if necessary, repairing, our connections with others.

To put this into practice, I invite you to think about one specific relationship in your life that you would like to pay more attention to. 

What might you do to nurture that relationship right now? 

How might doing so be of mutual benefit for both of you? 

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Assist Leaders

Assist Leaders

March Madness is upon us, and if you are a college basketball fan, there is nothing better than the NCAA basketball tournaments. Both the women’s and men’s games start this weekend, and although they will be run very differently because of the pandemic, fans are thrilled that they are happening again after being canceled last year.  

Basketball, like most sports, has an abundance of statistics associated with the game. These include field goal, free throw, and three-point shot percentages, as well as statistics on blocked shots, steals, points in the paint, turnovers, bench points, rebounds, and free throws, among others.

One of my favorite statistics is for the number of assists each player makes. In case you are not a fan of the game, a player receives credit for an assist when they make a pass that directly contributes to a successful shot by another player. Players that consistently have a high number of assists in a game are unselfish because rather than always looking for a shot for themselves, they pass the ball to a teammate so that he or she can score.  

This is a column about personal growth and wellness, though, and not basketball, but I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. The connection here is that one clear sign of emotional and relational wellness is the willingness to assist others, rather than needing to keep the focus on one's self. The players that score the most in basketball often get the most attention, while the players who make the most assists often go unnoticed and unrecognized.

This is not just true in basketball; it's true in life as well, as we have discovered just how vital essential workers are to our lives. I am thinking of teachers, people who work at grocery stores, hospital workers of all kinds, and people who serve as caretakers for friends or family members. I think of clergy, social workers, and others who put in long days, often for little pay, to care for those in need. And also the community organizer who works to create fair housing for everyone, those who work for racial justice, and those who staff domestic violence hotlines. These are just a few examples of the assist leaders amongst us. These people, unfortunately, often go unnoticed and unrecognized. 

I spent many years coaching youth soccer, a sport that also keeps track of assists. After every game, the other coaches and I made it a practice to single out and celebrate the players that had made assists that day. Those who had scored the goals had already received more than enough recognition. In soccer, when a player scores, the entire team typically runs to surround and congratulate the player. There is rarely similar recognition for the player who made the assist that helped their teammate score. 

The lesson for me in all of this is twofold. First, I need always to be looking around to see to whom I can pass the ball. In this case, the “ball” may be a compliment, an expression of gratitude, or keeping quiet so someone else’s voice can be heard. Second, I need to make a special effort to appreciate and acknowledge others when I see them making an assist--whether that assist directly benefits me or someone else. Most of us probably know an assist leader who could use a little encouragement and appreciation right now.

If you are a college basketball fan, enjoy the games over the next few weeks. Root hard for your favorite team. Root hard for the underdogs along with the teams you picked to go far in your brackets. And root hard for the assist leaders, too, because in the end, none of us can win without them.

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