Tending to Our Relationships

Tending to Our Relationships

Valentine’s Day is approaching soon, and every year I write a column about relationships in honor of this special day. COVID has reminded us all just how vital relationships are to our well-being. And so, this year, I have decided to focus all of my columns for the month of February on relationships. 

A core teaching of our Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation’s wellness programs is “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.” I often share this principle in counseling and coaching sessions, as while it has many applications, it is perhaps most relevant to relationships.  

It is in our closest relationships that we become most fully known to each other. Our strengths and our shortcomings are on full display. Our deepest longings and our deepest vulnerabilities are also revealed in a way that the rest of the world seldom sees. Our endearing qualities, along with our annoying quirks and habits, are all revealed in our closest family and friend relationships.  

When we have intimate knowledge of one another, the question becomes, “What will we pay attention to? What will we emphasize in our interactions with one another?” In healthy relationships, we lift and celebrate that which is positive, authentic, and life-giving in each other, encouraging and supporting the best in one another. Unhealthy relationships do the opposite, organizing their emotional energy by focussing attention instead on that which is negative, divisive, and often petty. 

It sometimes comes easier to complain about or pick on one another than to reach out and work to heal and improve a relationship or situation that needs strengthening. Negativity and complaining allow us to stay safe and protected while seeking understanding and healing requires vulnerability, which can be scary but liberating.  

The good news is that strained relationships can often, with intention, be turned around because whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. If we focus on the things that annoy and bother us about another, that is all we will see before long. On the other hand, when we focus on the other's good qualities, that too will grow. If there is a relationship in our lives that we want to strengthen, we need to intentionally pay more positive and life-giving attention to it. Having hard conversations when necessary, and making sure those conversations are grounded in love, can also positively grow a relationship. 

Relationships are much like a garden. Tending them with regular watering and weeding will ensure that they continue to grow so that they will sustain and nurture everyone's well-being. 

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Hank Aaron's Eulogy Virtues

Hank Aaron’s Eulogy Virtues

Baseball was a very significant part of my life growing up, both as a player and spectator. Spending much of my childhood in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, there was never a doubt that Hank Aaron was my favorite player. This week I was reminded of just how much I admired “Hammering Hank” by the deep sadness I felt when I heard that he had died in his sleep at the age of 86. 

And when I watched parts of both his memorial and funeral services, I found myself shedding a few tears as I listened to the moving eulogies given by his family and friends.

As I watched and listened, not only was I reminded of why I always loved Hank Aaron, but I was also reminded of something I heard years ago about the difference between eulogy virtues and resume virtues. Resume virtues are the skills and attributes that are valued by the ego. They are important, but in and of themselves provide a short-lived sense of satisfaction. On the other hand, eulogy virtues are what the soul pursues and what, in the end, matter most. They are made during a lifetime of making good decisions and prioritizing a life based on values and character. Resume virtues help us make a living, while eulogy virtues help us make a life. 

The term eulogy virtue reflects the kinds of things that are said about a person when they have passed away. Rarely does one hear resume virtues referred to in a service of remembrance. That truth was quite apparent this week because if anyone had impressive resume values, it was Hank Aaron. And yet, each time a person rose to speak about his life, it was his character, generosity, grace, determination, commitment to young people, his community, and his country, and his philanthropy that was lifted up and celebrated. It turns out it is his eulogy virtues that are what people remembered and valued most about him. Many of the speakers reminded us of the horrible racism that Aaron endured, including multiple death threats as he closed in on breaking Babe Ruth’s home run record. The character he demonstrated in the face of these horrific challenges was mentioned by many of the speakers as well.  

I am immensely grateful for how Hank Aaron modeled for us what is most important in life. While none of us has the capacity to match his Hall of Fame resume virtues, we all have the ability to model our lives around his eulogy virtues.  

I will close with just a few excerpts of the many eulogies that were given at his services. You will find the links to these services below, and I encourage you to watch and listen for yourself.  

His grandson, Raynal Aaron, shared two of the memorable things that his grandfather said to him: 

"My wife Billye and I give a lot, but that's what we're here to do. I just feel like nothing that we have belongs to us, it was given to us by God, and when we leave here, I don't know of anybody who will go with a casket full of money. So why not let somebody else enjoy what we've been fortunate enough to accumulate?

"I'm not concerned about how I am perceived as a baseball player. I am concerned about how I am thought of as a human being.”

Allan Tanenbaum, Aaron’s longtime friend, who serves as Hank Aaron’s Chasing the Dream Foundation’s attorney, was proud to introduce the attendees to Quianna Lewis, who first received funding from Aaron when she expressed interest in playing the harp while in middle school. She received more assistance to allow her to attend Fisk University, where she earned a psychology/pre-med degree. She has since received a master's degree from Yale University and is currently working on her doctorate in adolescent health at Johns Hopkins University, none of which could have been possible without his initial gift. 

“History will remember Mr. Aaron as a record-breaking athlete, but I will always remember him as the man who opened countless doors for me and others to chase our dreams,” Quianna Lewis said.

“While Mr. Aaron will be remembered for all the home runs he has hit, his true legacy is seen in the lives he has changed for the better,” Dr. Valerie Montgomery Rice, President and Dean of the Morehouse School of Medicine, a beneficiary of a $3 million dollar gift from Aaron, in honor of his wife Billye Suber Aaron.

“God gave him the talent, and he used that talent to become the greatest baseball player of all time. But, more importantly, he used it to make our city, our country and the world a better place. For those who were blessed enough to know Hank, he left a lifetime of impact with every encounter. His life made you want to better your own.” Freddie Freeman, current Atlanta Braves player..  

“You meant more to me than anybody in my whole life. I want to thank you for giving me love and discipline. Sometimes, you had to tell me like it was. But I really appreciate you helping me be the man that I am.” Dusty Baker, a former teammate who was on deck when Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s record in 1974. 

“I’ll never understand how he did it and how he carried himself with such grace and dignity, but I’ll always be thankful for the chance to rub shoulders with Hank Aaron. I felt something different when I was in his presence. I’ve been around a lot of ballplayers who have achieved a lot of records. But there was something special about Hank. Hank was the epitome of how we all should be as human beings.” Dale Murphy, also a former teammate of Aaron’s on the Atlanta Braves.

Here are the links to Aaron’s services:

https://www.mlb.com/brewers/news/hank-aaron-funeral-service

https://www.mlb.com/news/hank-aaron-memorial-service

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Bridge Building

Bridge Building

A desire for greater unity in our nation is on many of our minds these days. I have zero experience in the politics of healing a divided country, but I do have decades of experience helping fractured couples and families come together. I am guessing that some of the principles work for both. 

Healing requires a commitment to building bridges instead of burning them. It requires humility, perseverance, flexibility, dedication, and both emotional and spiritual maturity. Such maturity is what allows a person to acknowledge when they have been wrong or have acted in ways that are hurtful and destructive. This kind of bridge-building is not some naive pretending that real differences do not exist. Instead, it is based on grounding ourselves in the deeper common visions, desires, and values that unite us while acknowledging that tensions and differences still exist.  

At the presidential inauguration ceremony this week, many of us were introduced to Amanda Gorman, a twenty-two-year-old poet who is clearly wise way beyond her years. Because I so often use the image of building bridges in my work, my ears perked up when I heard these powerful lines from her poem:

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we're to live up to our own time

Then victory won't lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we've made

I close now with a more extensive excerpt from her poem “The Hill We Climb.” There is much wisdom here to guide us in the bridge-building work of healing whatever divisions we find in our lives, whether with friends or family, neighbors, or in our larger communities.  

And yes we are far from polished

far from pristine

but that doesn't mean we are

striving to form a union that is perfect

We are striving to forge a union with purpose

To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and

conditions of man

And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us

but what stands before us

We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,

we must first put our differences aside

We lay down our arms

so we can reach out our arms

to one another

We seek harm to none and harmony for all

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:

That even as we grieved, we grew

That even as we hurt, we hoped

That even as we tired, we tried

That we'll forever be tied together, victorious

Not because we will never again know defeat

but because we will never again sow division

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we're to live up to our own time

Then victory won't lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we've made

That is the promise to glade

The hill we climb

If only we dare it.

From “The Hill We Climb” by Amanda Gorman.

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Grief Wears Many Disguises

Grief Wears Many Disguises

Since the first of the year, I have received more requests for counseling than usual. Most of them are for help related to grief. Sometimes the person quickly identifies that grief is the reason they are seeking help. Other times it takes several conversations for them to realize that grief is at the root of what they are experiencing.

Grief wears many disguises. It is easy to recognize that we are grieving when sadness is the primary feeling we are experiencing. But grief can also mask itself as anger, depression, fear, bitterness, exhaustion, an inability to make decisions, irritability, difficulty focusing, isolation and withdrawing, cynicism, physical symptoms, and interpersonal conflict. 

Grief can also be hard to recognize because we primarily associate grief with death. But there are many other kinds of losses we can grieve. Even if we have been fortunate not to lose someone we love to COVID, all of us have experienced significant losses over the last ten months. Other losses that can emotionally drain us include the loss of a relationship, a job, canceled plans, falling short of reaching a goal or a dream, or letting go of a child who is growing up or moving away. 

I have written other columns about the idea that we have two choices regarding dealing with difficult emotions. We can either talk emotions out, or we can act them out.

This is an especially helpful reminder when it comes to grief. The best way to grieve is to grieve, allowing ourselves to feel it and talk about it with others. And to do this, we also have to be willing to unmask our grief when it presents as anger or when it shows up disguised as something else. 

I watched Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech earlier today. It’s something I do in honor of his celebration every year. While he was addressing the particular, horrific grief of racial injustice, his words provide timeless guidance and hope for all experiences of loss.

I was also inspired by reading several other quotes from Dr. King, these two in particular.

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

May these words be a balm for your soul in the midst of whatever losses you may be grieving right now. May they help us all to unarm our grief and trust in the power of love to overcome bitterness and despair.

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Listen to the Whispers

Listen to the Whispers

Whether or not we make resolutions at the beginning of a new year, many of us do some taking stock of our lives this time of year, pausing to reflect on whether there are any changes we want to make. One concept for reflection that I have found to be helpful, both for myself and the clients I work with, is the idea of “listen to the whispers.” It is based on the idea that our lives are always speaking to us. The question is, “Are we listening?”

 Whenever our lives get out of balance, and we are beginning to experience some kind of “dis-ease,” we will almost always first get a “whisper” that something needs to change. We experience this as a quiet voice from within telling us that something isn’t right, that something needs to change. The whisper could be something like:  

“I feel a sense of emptiness like something is missing in my life.”

“This pain I am experiencing is not going away.”

“I feel like there is a distance growing between us; we’re just not as close as we used to be.”  

“I think the amount of stress in my life is starting to take a toll on me.” 

“I seem to be drinking more than before.”  

“I’m not sure I want to stay in this job much longer.”

“I know I’m being called to get more involved in issues facing my community.”

“There are issues in our family that can no longer be ignored.”

   That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it’s only a whisper. When a whisper is ignored, though, it seldom goes away. The usual progression is that the whisper gets louder, and gradually our inner voice begins to shout at us.  What happens if the shout does not get our attention? In that case, something will eventually happen, some negative consequence, or even a crisis, something so obvious that we can no longer ignore what is happening.  

   When it comes to our personal and relational wellness, it is essential that we learn to listen to the whispers that tell us when something in our lives is out of balance. Healthy individuals, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this on a regular and proactive basis. They regularly take an honest look in the mirror. And because they know that even then, they can still fool themselves, they regularly seek out honest feedback from others whom they trust. They build open feedback loops into their lives so that they can adapt and respond to any warning signs that emerge.  It all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and being willing to listen to the whispers that announce that something needs to change.  

The benefits of listening and responding are enormous--growth, healing, joy, abundance, peace. The costs of not listening and responding are also enormous, as most whispers, when ignored, turn into shouts or crises.  

So what whispers are each of us hearing right now in our own lives? Are we able to be quiet long enough to listen to them? And when we listen to them, will we have the courage to make a proactive change, even if that change is uncomfortable at first?  

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