Bridge Building

Bridge Building
 
 

Bridge Building

A desire for greater unity in our nation is on many of our minds these days. I have zero experience in the politics of healing a divided country, but I do have decades of experience helping fractured couples and families come together. I am guessing that some of the principles work for both. 

Healing requires a commitment to building bridges instead of burning them. It requires humility, perseverance, flexibility, dedication, and both emotional and spiritual maturity. Such maturity is what allows a person to acknowledge when they have been wrong or have acted in ways that are hurtful and destructive. This kind of bridge-building is not some naive pretending that real differences do not exist. Instead, it is based on grounding ourselves in the deeper common visions, desires, and values that unite us while acknowledging that tensions and differences still exist.  

At the presidential inauguration ceremony this week, many of us were introduced to Amanda Gorman, a twenty-two-year-old poet who is clearly wise way beyond her years. Because I so often use the image of building bridges in my work, my ears perked up when I heard these powerful lines from her poem:

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we're to live up to our own time

Then victory won't lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we've made

 

I close now with a more extensive excerpt from her poem “The Hill We Climb.” There is much wisdom here to guide us in the bridge-building work of healing whatever divisions we find in our lives, whether with friends or family, neighbors, or in our larger communities.  

 

And yes we are far from polished

far from pristine

but that doesn't mean we are

striving to form a union that is perfect

We are striving to forge a union with purpose

To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and

conditions of man

And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us

but what stands before us

We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,

we must first put our differences aside

We lay down our arms

so we can reach out our arms

to one another

We seek harm to none and harmony for all

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:

That even as we grieved, we grew

That even as we hurt, we hoped

That even as we tired, we tried

That we'll forever be tied together, victorious

Not because we will never again know defeat

but because we will never again sow division

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we're to live up to our own time

Then victory won't lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we've made

That is the promise to glade

The hill we climb

If only we dare it.

From “The Hill We Climb” by Amanda Gorman.



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Grief Wears Many Disguises

Grief Wears Many Disguises
 
 

Grief Wears Many Disguises

Since the first of the year, I have received more requests for counseling than usual. Most of them are for help related to grief. Sometimes the person quickly identifies that grief is the reason they are seeking help. Other times it takes several conversations for them to realize that grief is at the root of what they are experiencing.

Grief wears many disguises. It is easy to recognize that we are grieving when sadness is the primary feeling we are experiencing. But grief can also mask itself as anger, depression, fear, bitterness, exhaustion, an inability to make decisions, irritability, difficulty focusing, isolation and withdrawing, cynicism, physical symptoms, and interpersonal conflict. 

Grief can also be hard to recognize because we primarily associate grief with death. But there are many other kinds of losses we can grieve. Even if we have been fortunate not to lose someone we love to COVID, all of us have experienced significant losses over the last ten months. Other losses that can emotionally drain us include the loss of a relationship, a job, canceled plans, falling short of reaching a goal or a dream, or letting go of a child who is growing up or moving away. 

I have written other columns about the idea that we have two choices regarding dealing with difficult emotions. We can either talk emotions out, or we can act them out.

This is an especially helpful reminder when it comes to grief. The best way to grieve is to grieve, allowing ourselves to feel it and talk about it with others. And to do this, we also have to be willing to unmask our grief when it presents as anger or when it shows up disguised as something else. 

I watched Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech earlier today. It’s something I do in honor of his celebration every year. While he was addressing the particular, horrific grief of racial injustice, his words provide timeless guidance and hope for all experiences of loss.

I was also inspired by reading several other quotes from Dr. King, these two in particular.

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

May these words be a balm for your soul in the midst of whatever losses you may be grieving right now. May they help us all to unarm our grief and trust in the power of love to overcome bitterness and despair.



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Listen to the Whispers

Listen to the Whispers
 
 

Listen to the Whispers

Whether or not we make resolutions at the beginning of a new year, many of us do some taking stock of our lives this time of year, pausing to reflect on whether there are any changes we want to make. One concept for reflection that I have found to be helpful, both for myself and the clients I work with, is the idea of “listen to the whispers.” It is based on the idea that our lives are always speaking to us. The question is, “Are we listening?”

 Whenever our lives get out of balance, and we are beginning to experience some kind of “dis-ease,” we will almost always first get a “whisper” that something needs to change. We experience this as a quiet voice from within telling us that something isn’t right, that something needs to change. The whisper could be something like:  

“I feel a sense of emptiness like something is missing in my life.”

“This pain I am experiencing is not going away.”

“I feel like there is a distance growing between us; we’re just not as close as we used to be.”  

“I think the amount of stress in my life is starting to take a toll on me.” 

“I seem to be drinking more than before.”  

“I’m not sure I want to stay in this job much longer.”

“I know I’m being called to get more involved in issues facing my community.”

“There are issues in our family that can no longer be ignored.”

   That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it’s only a whisper. When a whisper is ignored, though, it seldom goes away. The usual progression is that the whisper gets louder, and gradually our inner voice begins to shout at us.  What happens if the shout does not get our attention? In that case, something will eventually happen, some negative consequence, or even a crisis, something so obvious that we can no longer ignore what is happening.  

   When it comes to our personal and relational wellness, it is essential that we learn to listen to the whispers that tell us when something in our lives is out of balance. Healthy individuals, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this on a regular and proactive basis. They regularly take an honest look in the mirror. And because they know that even then, they can still fool themselves, they regularly seek out honest feedback from others whom they trust. They build open feedback loops into their lives so that they can adapt and respond to any warning signs that emerge.  It all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and being willing to listen to the whispers that announce that something needs to change.  

The benefits of listening and responding are enormous--growth, healing, joy, abundance, peace. The costs of not listening and responding are also enormous, as most whispers, when ignored, turn into shouts or crises.  

So what whispers are each of us hearing right now in our own lives? Are we able to be quiet long enough to listen to them? And when we listen to them, will we have the courage to make a proactive change, even if that change is uncomfortable at first?  


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Paying Attention to Love

Love has not been canceled
 
 

Paying Attention to Love

Inflatable yard decorations have become very popular this time of year. Most of the time, they provide a sense of good cheer to all who pass by. Occasionally, though, due to a leak or other malfunction, they either collapse on the ground or struggle to stand up straight.  

While out for a run a few days ago, I passed a house with three inflatable decorations in the front yard that were at best about two-thirds inflated. I was able to recognize that they were Santa, an elf, and a snowman. They were wavering back and forth as if they were trying to stand up but just couldn’t quite do it. As I continued on, I thought that what I had just seen was an appropriate symbol for the holiday season this year. We are all feeling a bit deflated, even as we waver back and forth, trying to make the best of the challenges we are facing.

Many of us are making the excruciatingly painful decision not to celebrate with family and friends with the intention of keeping ourselves and our communities safe. Most faith communities are also making the difficult but safe decision not to gather in person, another loss for many this year (although I am inspired by the many amazing online celebrations I see that many churches will be offering). It’s only natural to feel that some, or perhaps a lot, of the air has been let out of the joy we usually feel this time of year.  

I have always believed that whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. If we only pay attention to what can’t or won’t be happening this Christmas, we will feel deflated. If we pay attention instead to that for which we are grateful, we will realize that the true essence of Christmas is and has always been the gift and celebration of love. And so, while many things have been canceled this holiday season, love is not one of them. 

Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. While not ignoring some of the deflation we may be feeling this Christmas, I invite us all to pay attention to the memories and moments of love that surround us and to be grateful. 

To those of you who celebrate, we at Living Compass wish you a Christmas filled with love and gratitude.  


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Pandemic Marathon Tips

Pandemic Marathon Tips
 
 

Pandemic Marathon Tips

A well-known saying among marathoners is that “There are two halves to every marathon—the first 20 miles and the last 6.2.” While not mathematically accurate, this saying is correct in that it takes as much effort to complete the first 20 miles as it does the last 6.2.   

I have been fortunate to complete a few marathons over the years, so I know how difficult the final miles can be. Actually, it’s miles 20-25 that are the most difficult because once you get to mile 25, you get a psychological lift that the finish line is not far away. At mile 20, though, you are exhausted. The runners are no longer talking to each other (a complete change from earlier in the race) as they are conserving every ounce of energy they have in order to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

The people cheering them on also disappear around mile 20 because spectators need to hurry to the end themselves to watch their friend or family member cross the finish line. Those last miles are lonely, and your mind plays tricks on you, raising doubts about whether you will be able to finish.

This all came back to me when I realized how exhausted I am feeling by this pandemic marathon we all are running right now. None of us signed up for this marathon. And none of us could have prepared for it because we had no idea it was coming. We have no way of knowing if we are now halfway through this race because no one can say for sure how much farther it will be to the finish line. Even if we are metaphorically at mile 20, the remaining miles will likely be more challenging than we can imagine. 

I went online and researched some tips for first-time marathoners, looking for specific recommendations for the “second half” of a marathon. I share these tips with you here because I think they are timely for our current situation.

Hydrate and refuel often. Runners all have their favorite drinks, gels, and energy bars. They know from experience what boosts their energy best. We, too, know what boosts our spiritual, emotional, and physical energy and need to intentionally consume as much of that as possible right now.

Stop at every aid station, and get medical attention if needed. Marathon organizers add extra aid stations in the final miles, spacing them closer together. Medical tents are also available if needed. Aid stations in a pandemic can be a phone or Zoom call with a friend or loved one, a walk around the block, meditation/prayer, or participating in an online offering that boosts our spiritual and emotional well-being. Unlike a marathon race, we may need to create our own aid stations, being proactive, and spacing them more closely together. And if you do need to visit the medical tent because you are in pain, know that it is a sign of wisdom and strength to reach out for support from someone trained to help, such as a therapist, clergy person, or medical professional.  

Slow down and walk when you necessary. Listen to what your body, heart, and soul are telling you. Feeling exhausted? Slow down. Take a break. Learn to rest, not quit. 

Focus on short-term goals, rather than just the finish line. Some runners make it their goal to just make it to the next aid station or mile marker. Others focus on running for two minutes and then walking for two minutes. This week, I talked with someone who said their goal right now during COVID was to take a shower and get dressed every day. I applauded that goal. We are thrilled to read the good news about vaccines, and we so very much want the finish line to be just around the next corner. Right now, though, we need to focus on shorter-term goals and merely putting one foot in front of the other because letting our guard down now could risk not making it to the finish line or preventing others from not getting there.

If you see another runner struggling, stop, and offer support. Everyone has a story of why they run a marathon, and except for the few elite runners that are competing to win, everyone is cheering for and helping each other along the way. I will never forget once when I was walking and struggling to finish a race, and several people stopped and walked with me for a moment as they offered an encouraging word. It made all the difference.

This pandemic is an endurance event like no other we have experienced. We don’t know exactly how much longer we have to go, and the second "half" is likely to be every bit as challenging as the first. So let's remember these marathon tips and do all we can to help each other get across the finish line, arm in arm, together. 


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