Time to Forgive

Time to Forgive

  Tonight, at sundown, our Jewish sisters and brothers will begin to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, a celebration marking the beginning of the Jewish New Year. It is also the start of the Ten Days of Repentance, culminating with Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year, on the evening of September 28th. As you may know, the practice of forgiveness is a primary focus during the observance of these sacred holy days.

   I heard a fascinating story on the radio this week about how some rabbis are preparing for what will be mostly online celebrations of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this year. As they work on preparing the messages for these upcoming services in this unique time of COVID-19, they are researching the texts of the messages given during the same High Holidays in the midst of the 1918 flu pandemic. 

  The radio story contained narrations of some of these 1918 messages, and I found they revolved around a common theme. Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is fleeting. None of us know how much time we have. Knowing this, in the midst of this 1918 Spanish flu pandemic, the message of forgiveness was talked about as being even more crucial. And while it is always the right time to forgive, the vulnerability of what people were experiencing in that flu pandemic made forgiveness both more essential and urgent in 1918.

  Is this not a timeless and timely message for today? Judaism and all of the world's religions stress the significance of forgiveness. And even if one is not a member of a religious faith, we know that the practice of forgiveness is foundational to one’s emotional and relational well-being.

  When talking about forgiveness, it is helpful to remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes. This is crucial because people often say they can never forgive someone because they do not want to reconcile with them. One can forgive without ever connecting with the person being forgiven. That’s why it is possible to forgive people we will never see again, including those who have passed away. This is because forgiveness is an internal, individual choice. And sometimes, that internal process of forgiveness we seek to practice is not of another person, but ourselves.  

  If you want to learn more about this complex subject, I highly recommend two books. The first is The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, by Desmond Tutu, a Nobel Peace prize winner, and Mpho Tutu, the executive director of the Desmond & Leah Tutu Legacy Foundation. The quote at the top of this column is from this book. The second book is Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Robert Enright. Enright is a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and the president of the International Forgiveness Institute. 

  We are all very aware of the many things that COVID-19 prevents us from doing right now. The list is long of things we are not currently able to do. One thing we will not find on that list, though, is the ability to forgive. The current pandemic in no way prevents us from practicing forgiveness. In fact, it might just be reminding us of what we always knew, but often forget. Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is fleeting. None of us know how much time we have. 

  And while it is always the right time to forgive, the vulnerability we are all experiencing during this pandemic makes forgiveness both more essential and urgent. 

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The Courage to Change What We Can

The Courage to Change What We Can

  September is National Recovery Month. Through the years, I have been inspired and learned so much from my friends in recovery. Recently several of them have shared with me that what they have learned in their journey of recovery is serving them well as they now face the many losses and challenges brought about by the pandemic. 

   A few weeks ago, a friend told me that he printed the first three lines of the Serenity Prayer, a prayer that is beloved by many people in recovery, and posted them next to his computer. Because his work requires him to spend so much time on his laptop, these words are a constant reminder to accept the limits of what he can control and what he cannot. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

  If you are feeling overwhelmed by all that you cannot change in your life, perhaps the wisdom of the opening lines of Serenity Prayer will be helpful. 

  Another friend in recovery taught me many years ago some wisdom that has to do with the second line, “Courage to change the things I can” She told me to remember that when I say this line, there is always at least one thing that I do have the power to change in my life, and that is myself. 

  Even when I do not have control of what's going on around me, I do have control over my thoughts, attitude, choices, behaviors, and how I treat others. 

  May I have the courage and the wisdom to remember this. 

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Say Yes to the Mess

Say Yes to the Mess

In 1959 Miles Davis and a group of musicians recorded the album Kind of Blue, which became the best-selling and one of the most influential jazz albums of all time. The remarkable thing about this album is that the musicians had very little preparation time, not knowing what they would be playing until they walked into the studio to record. The original liner notes for the album said that the musicians were only given a few scales and melody lines on which they were to improvise. There were no rehearsals beforehand. All of this was by design to create a genuinely spontaneous, improvised experience co-created in the moment. And the results of what happened in that studio in 1959 are captured in the words of musician Carlos Santana, “They went into the studio with minimal stuff, and came out with eternity.”  

While you have quite likely heard of Miles Davis, you probably don’t know the name, Frank Barrett. Barrett is a very skilled jazz musician who also happens to be a management and global public policy professor at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. A few years ago, he wrote Yes to the Mess: Surprising Leadership Lessons from Jazz, a book that combines his passion for jazz and teaching others about leadership. Last week I co-taught a graduate course on leadership and in that class, we spent several hours discussing the implications of Yes to the Mess for leadership in today’s world. What we discussed applies not just to leading a business or a non-profit organization, but to all aspects of leading our lives, so please allow me to riff on a few of the key concepts from this book.

Creativity as Joint Performance: Leadership is relational, and often the best ideas are co-created with input from multiple people. A leader’s job is to create an environment where people can take risks and improvise new ideas. As with jazz, soloing is important, but supporting others in their solos is equally essential.

Embrace Errors as a Source of Learning: Errors come with taking risks. Every new endeavor is by definition outside of one’s current comfort zone, and so errors are bound to occur. None of us would have learned how to drive or acquire any other complex skill if we could not make errors.

Unlearning is Sometimes as Important as Learning: If a jazz musician gets stuck in a certain way of playing every time they improvise, then it is no longer improvisation, but begins to sound rote. When a relationship between spouses, or parents and children, or friends becomes stuck in the same pattern over and over again, it may be necessary to unlearn that pattern in order to make room for a new pattern to emerge. An attitude of, “But we have always done it this way,” will stunt creativity and growth every time.

Create Unstructured Time to Just “Hang Out.”  Musicians come up with some of their best ideas by just sitting around, hanging out, and trying out new riffs. This is why it is important for us not to schedule every minute of our lives or the lives of our children. Some of the best moments emerge and happen spontaneously, without any planning. An example of this is what we often remember most when we have gone on a vacation. Often the moments we remember most from a trip are not part of the carefully scheduled itinerary we followed, but from a spontaneous, unplanned experience or encounter that arose in the moment.

Say, “Yes to the Mess.” All of the other principles outlined above are dependent on first saying, “Yes” to whatever challenges we are facing in our personal and/or work life. An open and appreciative attitude to accepting “what it” is the first step in improvising new ways of dealing with it

In case you hadn’t noticed, life itself is messy! Most likely, each of us has a little, or maybe a lot, of messiness in our lives right now. It’s our choice as to how we respond to this reality. We can complain about the messiness of life and pretend that if we just work hard enough, we can eliminate it, or…. we can say, “Yes to the mess,” and in the process, invite others to join in with us as we discover new ways to make something beautiful out of it.

Is there a mess in your life right now about which you are spending lots of energy complaining? What would it look like to shift your attitude and start saying, “Yes” to this mess?

I am taking a few staycation days this week and today’s column is being repeated, having been first published three years ago.

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The Best Time to Start a Difficult Conversation

The Best Time to Start a Difficult Conversation

    Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that it would simply go away or get better on its own if ignored." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. 

   I am reminded of the proverb stating, "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation was several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be faced and discussed. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

   An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have listened to myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

   No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows, and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often, then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. 

   Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is that there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation, we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a challenging conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some significant changes that we need to make.

   Significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

   Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second-guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future by beginning that conversation today.

 The best time to start a difficult conversation is when the need first arises. The second best time is today.   

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Teacher Appreciation

Teacher Appreciation

   I am blessed to know many educators. They are some of the hardest working, most dedicated, and compassionate people I know. My wife was a teacher for many years, having taught in elementary, middle, and high schools over the years.  And so I know first hand about the long hours teachers put in, and how much they give of themselves to help our children grow and learn. A call to be a teacher is truly a vocation, and those who answer that call deserve our utmost appreciation.

   All that I wrote above is what I said about the work of teachers before the pandemic. Teachers, students, administrators, support staff, and parents are now all facing unimaginable decisions and challenges, as students of all ages try to figure out how to return or head off to school.  One teacher friend of mine summed up the experience so far this year with a Facebook post: “I have just finished up my first week back at school. It’s been quite a year.” And I can’t resist sharing another comment I saw this week, “My teacher friends are amazing—they can now do virtually anything.”  

   It is common to express thanks to teachers at the end of the school year. This year, I’m thinking let’s not wait until May or June.  Let’s start expressing our gratitude now, and then keep doing so as everyone navigates a year like no other. Educators are likely to receive more than their share of criticism and frustrations projected on to them this year, and so a little recognition can go a long way. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a village to support those who are on the front lines teaching and nurturing our children as well. 

   Most of us know someone involved in educating our young people. Let’s all take a few minutes this week to reach out to them and let them know how much we recognize and admire all that they are doing. 

   Below are a few of my favorite quotes about the importance of teachers. Perhaps you will want to share one of them with an educator you know as part of your expression of appreciation.

“Everyone who remembers their own education remembers teachers, not methods and techniques. The teacher is the heart of the educational system.”– Sidney Hook

“The duties of a teacher are neither few nor small, but they elevate the mind and give energy to the character.”– Dorothea Dix

“Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher.”

– Japanese Proverb

“None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.  We got here because somebody – a parent, a teacher, an Ivy League crony or a few nuns – bent down and helped us pick up our boots.” Thurgood Marshall

“I think the teaching profession contributes more to the future of our society than any other single profession.” John Wooden

“One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world.” – Malala Yousafzai

“What greater or better gift can we offer the republic than to teach and instruct our youth?” – Marcus T. Cicero

“Teacher appreciation makes the world of education go around.”  – Helen Peters

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