Practice the Pause

Practice the Pause

    “Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly, and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.” Lori Deschene

    I was reminded of the power of pausing while riding my road bike earlier today as I was climbing some very steep hills. (Yes, I am aware that I write a lot about what I experience and learn while on my bike. It is where I spend a lot of time these days and do some of my best thinking.) As I neared the top of an exceptionally long and steep hill, I looked down at my bike computer and saw that my heart rate monitor was reading 156 beats per minute. 

    My elevated heart rate, along with the high temperature and humidity, gave me reason to pause - literally. I found some cool shade, drank some water, and in a few minutes by heart rate was under 90. I resumed my ride and gratefully didn’t encounter any more steep hills.  

   Wouldn’t it be nice if there was such a thing as an irritability or stress monitor? A person could wear it, and it would register when their irritability or stress levels had risen to potentially unsafe levels. Learning to pause before our irritability and stress levels get too high is a foundation of emotional, spiritual, and relational wellness. Knowing when to pause and rest when we are emotionally flooded is just as crucial as pausing when we are physically stressed.

   Lori Deschene, in the quote at the top of the column, provides a helpful list of when it is vital to pause. The list is a good start and helps me to think of a few other additions. 

Pause before sending emotionally charged emails. 

Pause before posting heated comments on social media.

Pause to examine our own biases.

Pause to listen more before being too quick to speak. 

Pause before talking badly or gossiping about someone. 

Pause when feeling impatient. 

Pause when feeling stressed or exhausted. 

Pause before becoming overwhelmed.

Pause before being so quick to defend yourself.

   What else might you add to your personal list of when to pause? How do you monitor when you are becoming overwhelmed? In what specific ways do you “practice the pause?” What are the differences in your life and your relationships when you pause more often, and when you don't?

   We are indeed living through stressful times, filled with what seems like one excessively steep hill to climb after another. Knowing when to take time to pause is perhaps more crucial than ever.   

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

America, You Great Unfinished Symphony

America, You Great Unfinished Symphony

   The title for this column is a lyric from the blockbuster musical Hamilton, written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and based on biography Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. The musical won eleven Tony Awards in 2016, as well as the Pulitzer Prize for Drama that same year. And just in time for the Fourth of July this year, Hamilton is being released on Disney Plus. I am a fan in awe of this musical, and I could not be more excited.

  The story of Alexander Hamilton mirrors the story of the founding of our country, a mixture of founding ideals, genius, infighting, and imperfection, all of which are on full display. This same mixture continues today, as America is still an unfinished symphony.

  Hamilton reminds us of the power of ideals, as well as the power of a guiding vision. It is these ideals that we remember every year as a nation on the Fourth of July, and that serve as our compass in the midst of whatever challenges we are currently facing as a country.

  Whenever I have the privilege of consulting with a family or organization in conflict, I often ask them to go back to the ideals and vision they held in common when they first started. I ask them to remember and hold on to those as they seek to resolve their current conflict. I remind them that it is easy for any of us to lose sight of our founding spirit and vision when we are in the midst of challenging times. We, our families and our county, are all unfinished symphonies, a mixture of beautiful harmonies and, at times, glaring imperfections and inconsistencies. And still, we continue to evolve, learning new harmonies to sing and new ways to more fully embody our founding ideals of life, liberty, and happiness for all.

  Happy Fourth of July everyone, and if you get a chance, I highly recommend watching Lin-Manuel Miranda’s magnum opus.  

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Knowing When to Shift Gears

Knowing When to Shift Gears

    Daily bike rides are my primary stress reliever these days. The combination of physical activity, mixed with being outside in the fresh air, is a balm for my COVID-tired spirit. 

   One of the things I especially love about road biking is that it requires complete concentration. My mind cannot wander or worry when I am fully focused on riding, as a momentary lapse can result in my not seeing an upcoming pothole or a car turning in front of me. It is worth noting that the skill of being centered entirely in the present moment is precisely the essence of mindfulness and meditation too.  

   As I have been spending more time on my bike than usual, I have been stretching myself to try some more challenging routes, including some with ten and eleven percent grade hills. I have discovered that the key to riding up long, steep hills involves both pacing myself and learning the art of shifting gears. Shifting too late makes it impossible to get up the hill because I won’t have enough power, while shifting too early causes me not to have the momentum needed to negotiate a hill.

    It strikes me that both learning how to pace ourselves and learning how to shift are things we are all having to do during these challenging times. Some of us are riding up steeper hills than others. All of us are tired and facing some kind of uphill battles, ones we haven’t encountered previously. We may find ourselves losing our momentum and trying to find a different gear that will be sustainable for a much longer and hillier ride than we could have imagined.  

     One of the most important decisions you will make when purchasing a bike is how many gears to have. The answer to that question is related to the kind of riding you anticipate doing. Short rides on flat roads and bike paths require a smaller gear range. If, on the other hand, you anticipate riding longer routes with lots of hills, you will benefit from having a more expansive range of gears.  

   This metaphor speaks to me at this time as I find that caring for my spiritual and emotional wellness  now requires my being more aware of what gear to use. Harder challenges require a higher gear with more effort, but I can’t ride with that effort all the time without burning out. I also need to learn when using an easier gear is appropriate, one that makes it possible for me to maintain a slower, more deliberate pace. And sometimes, I simply need to remember to stop altogether and rest.  

   What’s helping you manage your energy these days? What new gears, patterns, routines, and habits have you discovered to help you pace yourself in these trying times? If you haven’t quite found that yet for yourself, remember the importance of continuing to practice new ways of shifting, knowing that what worked well two days or two weeks or two months ago may not be what works well now.

 Knowing when to shift gears and knowing how to pace ourselves are important skills. Don’t worry if (like me) you haven’t mastered them yet. There will be plenty of time to continue learning and practicing these skills in the months and years ahead.  

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Baseball and Dadisms 2020

Baseball and Dadisms 2020

 I miss baseball. I mean, what would it be like to go an entire summer without baseball? That's something I had never considered, but I'm afraid we just might find out. The thought makes me shutter.

  Every year as Father's Day approaches, I miss my Dad, and because I have so many special memories of him regarding baseball, I think I miss him most this year. So it only seems fitting this year to offer my annual column on Dadisms  as an honor to my Dad and the countless other Dads who taught us so much about life through the lens of baseball. (Certainly, there are lots of Moms who love baseball, too, but that's another column for another time).

  In response to my requests, many of you sent in your favorite Dadisms over the last few weeks. I appreciated  them all, and I also enjoyed the many stories you shared about your fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, and other father figures. Your stories provided a context for what you shared, and that made them even more meaningful. Several of your stories, like mine, included special baseball memories with fathers and grandfathers.

  So here is a baseball-themed version of my annual tribute to the wise sayings from the important men in our lives.

"There is no 'I' in the word 'team.'" While not unique to baseball, the wisdom of this saying reminds us that it is "not always about you." Sometimes being a good team player is graciously being willing to sit on the bench so that others can have their turn to pitch or swing the bat on any given day. I always have great respect for aging veterans who fully accept their role as no longer being everyday players, and instead focus on mentoring the players or players that will someday replace them.

"Know what you are going to do with the ball before it is hit to you." 

This is excellent advice in baseball and in life. Applied to baseball, it means to know the situation--how many outs there are, what the score is, and how many runners are on base--before the ball is hit, so that there will be no hesitation as to what to do if the ball does come your way. Applied to life, it means we need to know our responses to both positive opportunities and potentially harmful situations before they arise. Parents can teach their children, particularly teens, to practice their responses and be prepared ahead of time for potential negative influences and temptations. This is excellent advice for adults as well.

 "Wait for your pitch," and "Let the game come to you." 

These two similar sayings remind us that patience is the key to making good decisions in all aspects of life. Knowing when not to swing at a pitch is as important as knowing when to swing. Take your time, weigh your options, and resist trying to force the game to come to you. 

 "Keep your eye on the ball."  

This piece of wisdom was shared in an attempt to make a player a better hitter. The wisdom here is all about the importance of being focused, and of paying attention to what is right in front of you.  In our work and personal lives, as with baseball, staying focused on what is most important is vital. "Keep the main thing, the main thing," is another way of saying this same thing.

"Look the ball into your glove."  

This is a similar piece of wisdom but related to being a good fielder. The lesson here is, again, the importance of focus and concentration. Errors are easily made if a fielder is looking to where they are going to throw the ball, rather than focusing on watching the ball land into the glove. The parallel to this in terms of family wellness is the gift we offer another person when we are truly present to them--when our conversation with them is all that matters to us at that moment. We follow their words carefully, just like we follow the ball into the glove, never taking our eyes off of them. We need to avoid making the error of losing track of the ball in the crucial relationships of our lives, as well as on the field.  

 "Shake it off."  

This is often said either after a tough loss, after making an error, or getting hit by a pitch. This is not only sound advice, but it sends a positive, hopeful message. Things don't always go as planned. We all experience defeat and loss on and off the field. These things don't have to define us though. When we are hurting--in life or in baseball-maintaining emotional and spiritual resiliency is the key to recovering and moving on. 

 "Know when and how to sacrifice." 

In baseball, executing a skilled sacrifice involves advancing or scoring another player who is on base at the expense of giving yourself up for an out; it's a selfless act. This can be done by bunting or by hitting a deep fly ball to the outfield (or even hitting to the right side of the infield, if there is a runner on second). It may look easy, but being able to make a well-timed sacrifice consistently takes years of practice, as many dads know through sacrificing for their families over the years.

"2-4-6-8, who do we appreciate? Yay ....________!" 

My baseball coaches always had our team recite this cheer after every game, win or lose, filling the blank in with the name of the team we had just played.  Learn to be a humble and gracious loser, as well as a humble and kind winner.  

   And that seems like a great way to conclude this year's Dadisms column. "2-4-6-8, who do we appreciate? Yay.... fathers, grandfathers, and all the other influential men in our lives."

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.

Graduation, Grief, and Gratitude

Graduation, Grief, and Gratitude

  Most years, I write a column about the annual rite of passage that so many people and their extended families participate in this time of year— graduations. This year is no different, yet everything is very different. 

  I spent a few hours this week online reading the stories of graduates describing what it has been like to graduate during a pandemic. I also talked with several parents whose sons and daughters are graduating from either high school or college at the momentous time. I even spoke with my grandson, who graduated virtually from kindergarten. What I read and heard can be summed up in two words: grief and gratitude.  

  The grief that graduates are experiencing is palpable. Not being able to attend a traditional graduation ceremony was undoubtedly at the top of the list of disappointments for high school and college seniors. Some of the other losses that were mentioned included not being able to say good-bye to friends and teachers, the canceling of the spring musical, the soccer and track seasons, prom, the internship, their senior art exhibit, the final dance recital, and “not being able to share my graduation with my extended family who made it possible for me to be the first person from my family to go to college.”  

  I also heard stories of gratitude. Students were thankful for the length to which teachers went to transition classes online to provide them the support and mentoring they needed to complete their programs. Several students reported that there was something special about sitting in their homes watching their virtual graduation with their families because it was the support of their families that made it possible for them to succeed. Still, other students expressed their gratitude that they and their loved ones were healthy. Some knew of people who had been sick and were grateful for all the essential workers working on the front lines of health care helping others.  

  When I read and heard what students were experiencing, I had this sense that we are going to have a number of “old souls” growing up and through this trying time. Urban Dictionary defines an old soul as “A spiritual person who is wise beyond their years; people of strong emotional stability.” In my experience, old souls are formed in the crucible of challenging circumstances. I feel confident that this class of graduates will have both the grit and the resilience to develop a spiritual wisdom well beyond their years. And the world will be well-served by their contributions.  

  Last year I discovered a quote about grief and gratitude that I remembered when I thought of what this year’s graduates are experiencing. The words are from Francis Weller, a psychotherapist who specializes in grief. If I change the words in the first line from “the mature person” to “the graduates of 2020,” it almost reads like a prayer that I would like to offer on behalf of all who are graduating this year. 

"The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That's how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I'll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I'll become saccharine and won't develop much compassion for other people's suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible." 

---

Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

You can unsubscribe at any time.