We Are All Connected

We Are All Connected

  I arrived here at Chicago’s O’Hare airport this morning just as the sun was rising. I cleared security quickly and now have some unexpected extra time at my gate. As I am writing this, I am observing an efficient team of workers servicing the plane I am about to board. They are checking the air pressure of the tires, adding fuel, loading luggage, and doing various other service checks. As I sit here, I am beyond grateful for their work and wish I could somehow communicate my appreciation.

  I am also grateful for the people who work at the hotel I stayed at last night, that made my stay possible, the multitude of people who make up the cleaning and desk staff, the managers, the people who order and prepare the breakfast food, the list goes on and on. And I’m also thankful for the shuttle driver and for the TSA workers. And for the barista who came to work at 4:30 AM to make the coffee, I am drinking while I sit here. I see the flight crew arriving and, of course, am appreciative of their skills and knowledge as well. 

  If you are like me, it is easy to forget how interconnected we all are. Perhaps that is one positive we can take from the Covid-19 virus scare we are all experiencing right now. The choices an individual might be making thousands of miles away from us at this very moment could possibly end up affecting our well-being. This is, of course, always true, but today it is especially on my mind as several people around me are wearing masks, and almost all of us are using hand sanitizer. It is a small world, after all, and we are much more connected than we usually realize.

  Last week I wrote about letting go. One of the things I want to let go of is my over-developed sense of individualism. As I look back over my life, I realize that I have taken excessive pride in my individual accomplishments, and have far too often diminished my interdependence on others. It’s not that personal choices and efforts are unimportant and shouldn’t be honored. It’s not an either/or, but a both/and. We are who we are because of our individual choices and because of the choices that countless others make that impact and influence us.  

  I am on my way to co-lead a men’s retreat in Covington, Louisiana, with Bill Miller, Greg Kerr-Wilson, and a group from Christ Episcopal Church, just north of New Orleans. One of the things we will talk about is the importance for we men to embrace our interdependency. I know for me, and for many men, this does not come easily. 

  In doing so, the men and I will keep the wise words of Margaret Wheatley close this weekend and beyond: “Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.”

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Choosing to Let Go

Choosing to Lett Go

  Have you ever had a time where you have several conversations, and they all seem to revolve around a similar theme? I had that experience this week in my private life, my life as a therapist, and in my work with our Living Compass, where we are running an online Facebook group for Lent. Letting go kept coming up in al three of these contexts. Here is a summary of what others, as well as myself, had to say about what they are working on letting go of at this time in their lives:

*The past, especially past regrets

*An unhealthy relationship

*My expectations of others

*Living up to other’s expectations of me

*Thinking I am responsible for things for which I am clearly not responsible.

*Trying to please others

*My timing for how things should unfold

*Procrastination

*Worry

*Overindulging with food or alcohol

*Spending too much money

*Grudges

*My plans for how things should go

*Comparing myself to others

*Too much stuff

*Control

*My kids

*Being judgmental

*Anger and resentment

*Unhealthy expectations of myself

*Perfectionism

*Trying to be someone I’m not

 The opposite of letting go is holding on. It seems to me that in no small degree, the art of living well is knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. Both are, at times, quite necessary. Wisdom is understanding, which is best in any particular situation.

 Millions of Christians around the world this week began observing the season of Lent. And what is the practice that is most commonly associated with observing Lent? The practice of giving something up, which is, in other words, the practice of choosing something to let go of. It used to be that people most gave up things like chocolate, coffee, sugar, or alcohol for Lent. I now hear instead more people, as part of their Lent discipline, talking about giving up or letting go of many of the things listed above. It seems that their wiser, spiritual selves know that if they can muster the courage to let go, they will be better off emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and/or physically.  

 I am working on letting go of several things this Lent: working too much, perfectionism, and worry. At the same time, I am holding on to daily practices of exercise and meditation, as I know from experience that these help me achieve my goals of letting go.

 How about you? Are you observing Lent by giving up or letting go of something? Even if you don’t observe Lent, are you aware of anything in your life that you desire to let go of? Perhaps reviewing the list above will help.  

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 This column also gets posted on Facebook, and I welcome your thoughts and comments there. You can find our page at https://www.facebook.com/LivingCompass/ Scroll down to see today’s column to share your comments. We have much to learn from each other.

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Practicing Courage

Practicing Courage

  Think of a time when you demonstrated courage in your life. What did you feel? What did you do? What gave you the strength to speak or act in this way? How did others respond?

  Now think of a time when you struggled or failed to demonstrate courage. Again what did you do (or not do)? What did you feel? What barriers (internal or external) hindered your ability to act more courageously?

  If you are engaged by these questions, then you will want to be sure to join us for our upcoming series of daily readings for the season of Lent from Living Compass entitled: “Practicing Courage with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.” The daily reflections start on Ash Wednesday, February 26, and conclude on Easter Sunday, April 12, and feature the writings of nine different authors. (See below for the variety of ways you can receive the daily reflections on courage).

  The weekly sub-themes include The Courage to Be Vulnerable, The Courage to Grow, The Courage to Change Direction, The Courage to Let Go, The Courage to Practice Grace Under Pressure, and the Courage to Walk The Way of Love. Each week’s reflections will invite us to reflect more deeply on where and how we are longing to grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally as we wrestle with what it means to live more courageously.

  Last year during Lent, we hosted a private, moderated Facebook group that served as a Lenten eRetreat for over nine hundred people from all around the world. We have already started this year’s group and hope that you will consider joining us. We will gain wisdom and encouragement from each other as we reflect on the opportunities we have to be more courageous in our daily lives.

  The Brené Brown quote at the top of today’s column is part of a more extended quote from her, and I would like to close by sharing the full text. As you read it, pause and reflect on where you have the opportunity to practice “ordinary courage” in your life right now. 

  And whether you typically observe the season of Lent, or not, I hope you will feel inspired to join us as we reflect on Practicing Courage with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind. 

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who were are and about our experiences—good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ordinary courage.”  Brené Brown

To find out all the options to access the daily Lent reflection on Practicing Courage go to www.livingcompass.org/lent

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Loving Your Neighbor As Yourself

 Loving Your Neighbor As Yourself

  All of the world’s major religions have some version of the teaching, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That teaching is certainly at the core of my own spirituality, and I strive (but often fall short) to live out this ideal every day. I imagine the same is true for many of the readers of this column.

  Some time ago, as I was reflecting on this teaching about loving your neighbor as yourself, it occurred to me that, in fact, this is precisely what most of us do. We actually do love them as we love ourselves. 

  Last week I wrote about self-compassion and how our well-being is enhanced when we can tame our inner critic, and then truly feel love and acceptance toward ourselves. A common reaction I get when I write or talk about self-compassion and self-care is questioning whether what I’m talking about is encouraging someone to become more self-centered. 

  My first response to such a question is merely to state the fact that “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” If there is nothing in our emotional and spiritual cups, we then have nothing to give to others. If we spend much time around people whose cups are chronically empty, we will discover that not only do they not have much to offer, but usually, they will zap our energy as well, and before long, we will be empty too. Self-care keeps our cups full so that we then have something to share with others.

 The second response I have to the question about whether self-care is selfish is to make the point that there is a strong correlation between the way we care for ourselves and the way we care for others. This is what I mean when I say we tend to love and relate to others in a manner similar to the way we love and relate to ourselves. 

  If you are a perfectionist, for example, and tend to be very hard on yourself, you likely relate to others in your life the same way. On the other hand, if you practice self-compassion toward yourself, especially when you make mistakes or fall short of an ideal you have for yourself, it is likely that you offer compassion to others when they inevitably make mistakes.

  Do you see a connection with how patient you are with yourself and how patient you are with others? Do you see a link between how comfortable you are with your own vulnerability and how you respond to others when they are vulnerable?  

 Today is Valentine’s Day, and I invite us to expand the focus of this day to honor and reflect on how we love ourselves and all the “neighbors” in our lives—friends, family members, spouses, partners, colleagues, even strangers. As you celebrate this day, take a moment to reflect on whether you see a connection between how you love yourself, and how you love your neighbor. 

   Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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Mindul Self-Compassion

Mindful Self-Compassion

   My wife and have spent the last two days working at the Adolescent Health Conference in Madison, Wisconsin. Two hundred professionals—school counselors, teachers, psychotherapists, physicians, and case managers—attend this annual conference put on by the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. Our Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation is honored to support this conference as a sponsor, as well as being presenters.

   The secular division of our foundation creates teen, parent, and adult resources for the professionals who are on the front lines working with the mental health challenges face by young people and their families today. The need is more significant than ever because the mental health challenges in our young people are great.  

   One of the benefits of being at a health and wellness conference is the opportunity to learn from the experience and expertise of other presenters. A workshop on the benefits of helping teens to develop mindful self-compassion skills was the presentation that was most helpful to me personally and professionally. It was there that I heard the quote from Kristen Neff, one of leading experts in the self-compassion movement, found in the box at the top of this column, “Treat yourself as you would a good friend.”

   The research presented at our conference confirms that it’s a hard time to be an adolescent. Social media is only part of the problem, but one that can significantly magnify feelings of self-criticism for an already vulnerable or suffering teen. Teaching young people mindful self-compassion helps them to quiet their inner critics and to learn to love, accept, and appreciate themselves for who they are. It also helps them to normalize the natural ups and downs they experience as adolescents.

   It turns out that we adults, even we professionals it was pointed out, can also benefit from practicing self-compassion. Those who are quite compassionate with others can, maybe surprisingly, be unduly hard on themselves. I, for one, have always wrestled with a loud inner critical voice, and so I was much helped by learning more about self-compassion this week. There seemed to be a consensus amongst all the workshop attendees that there was a need to practice this, as much for ourselves as there was for teaching it to the youth with whom we work.  

  In closing, if you would like to find out more about self-compassion, I highly recommend watching a short six-minute video from expert Kristin Neff. You may even want to try putting what she teaches into practice, as a gift to yourself.  

 You can find the video at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k

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