Character Shows

Character Shows

Regular readers of this column know that I am an avid baseball fan, and so it broke my heart to learn of the cheating scandal that has come to light this past week. What some players and managers connected to the Houston Astros 2017 team hoped would remain a secret came out in full detail this week, and the news has cost three team managers and one general manager their jobs.

Rather than debating the particular details of how this all came to be, I am more interested here in the universal wellness lesson that we can learn from this unfortunate example of secrets and dishonesty. Being dishonest and keeping that secret can actually make a person sick. As two related quotes from Twelve-Step programs remind us: “Your secrets keep you sick,” and “We are only as sick as our secrets.”

I heard another saying this week (thanks to my friend Katrina Campbell in Memphis) related to character that is relevant to this as well. “Character is like pregnancy. You can hide it temporarily, but eventually it shows.” (Attributed to be an African proverb.)

The wisdom embedded in all of these quotes is that we need to have the courage to face any secrets, anything we are hiding from ourselves and others, and coming clean in order to begin the process of healing. (Hopefully, this is precisely what is happening now for the players and managers involved in the baseball cheating scandal). The best decision of all, of course, is to live our lives with integrity, in such as way that we have nothing to hide in the first place.

Integrity is related to the word integration, and when we live our lives with integrity, we are living in a way that is whole and undivided, living ethically and honestly without compromising the truth. Living this way does not mean that we will not stumble, fall, or make mistakes, but it does mean we will not intentionally cheat or hide secrets, and that we will always strive to be better when we have made a mistake.

Perhaps remembering that, like pregnancy, our character will always show in the end, will help keep us committed to living a life rooted in honesty and integrity.

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Sooner Begun, Sooner Done

Sooner Done, Sooner Begun

         I love shoveling the sidewalk in front of our house after a fresh snowfall. I don’t always get to see immediate, tangible benefits in the kind of work I do for a living. So I take particular pleasure in doing things, like shoveling a sidewalk, that show clear and obvious benefits. And because we live in a walking community, I value being able to make a clear and safe path for the many people who walk by our house every day. 

It snowed an inch or two overnight last week, which given our lack of snow this year in Wisconsin, was a welcome morning sight. I was home on vacation, feeling lazy, and for once was in no hurry to clear the new snow off the sidewalk. I could see that there was no ice and that people had no trouble using the sidewalk and so I didn’t get out to shovel until mid-afternoon.  

I learned a valuable lesson by waiting so long to clear the snow from the sidewalk. It is exponentially more difficult to clear snow that has been heavily walked on for the better part of a day. A job that usually takes me fifteen minutes took forty-five, and even then, the walk was not nearly as clear as if I had shoveled first thing that morning before folks were out walking. Tightly packed snow solidifies and sticks tight, much like snow does that is made into a snowball or a snowman.  

As a person who works with people and organizations to help them make positive changes in their lives, I find my recently learned shoveling lesson to be helpful. And because many of us have set resolutions for change this time of year, you might find it useful, too. Here’s what I learned:

 The longer a pattern has been in place, the harder it will be to change. 

The more well-worn the path, the harder it is to make a new one. 

Changing a habit that is new and barely formed is much easier, 

as easy as shoveling new-fallen snow. 

The applications here are twofold. First, be patient with yourself when working for personal or organizational change, especially when you are seeking to change well-established patterns. Second, keep in mind that the sooner you recognize that a choice or a pattern is not serving you well, the easier it will be to change it, or as the quote at the top of the column, which really sums all this up, states, “Sooner begun, sooner done.”

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Find Your Why

Find Your Why

          Yesterday I took our now dried and brittle Christmas tree and placed it on the curb in front of our home. It wasn't alone out there as many of our neighbors had recently done the same. Even though Christmas is over, it's still a sad sight to see all the once beautiful Christmas trees waiting now out in the cold to be picked up and taken away.

    There is a lesson I find in these discarded trees that applies to a favorite activity this time of year, the making of New Year's resolutions. Trees die quickly once they are cut off from their roots, and the same is true of resolutions. If we only focus on the what we want to change rather than the underlying why, there is a good chance our resolve to change will not last. Connecting with the why we want to change something helps us to connect with the deeper emotional or spiritual reasons that we want to grow, which is different and ultimately more important than merely making the change. The above quote from John Maxwell captures this well: "Find your why and you'll find your way."

   , A parent, for example, who wants to change their critical tone with their child is more likely to make that change if they first reconnect with their love for their child, and their deep emotional and spiritual awareness that their child is a gift and worthy of respect. A desire to make a healthy lifestyle change will have a higher chance of succeeding when it is grounded in a higher purpose, such as wanting to have more energy to bring to work, service to others, or to share with friends and family. 

   Many people who follow a spiritual path seek to make changes in their lives on an ongoing basis and not just at the beginning of a new year. They hope that these changes will more fully align their lives with their spiritual ideals, such as loving their neighbor, caring for the environment, seeking peace and reconciliation in the world, or living with greater kindness and patience toward others. Spirituality focuses on the why of our lives, which in turn gives rise to the what and the way of the specific changes we seek to make.  

We at Living Compass wish you all a Happy New Year. And if you are thinking about making a change as we start this new year, we encourage you first to take some time to reflect on why you want to make that change. Connecting with the deeper spiritual and emotional reasons you want to change will not only help you clarify what you want to change, but will greatly increase the likelihood that the change you seek will not end up being discarded along with your Christmas tree.

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The Life-Light Blazed out of the Darkness

The Life-Light Blazed out of the Darkness

          Singing "Silent Night" by candlelight at the late service on Christmas Eve touches my soul deeply and moves me to tears every year. As the lights are turned off in the church, everyone gets their candles ready. A handful of candles are lit in the front of the darkened church, and it is a magnificent sight to watch the light as it is passed from one person to the next, until each person's candle is lit. Only then do we unite our voices in singing the beloved hymn "Silent Night." Sometimes the organ or piano stops entirely, and those gathered sing a verse without accompaniment, creating a true choir of angels.  

 In the first chapter of the Gospel of John, the birth of Jesus is referred to in this way, and here I quote a modern translation known as The Message, "What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." Seeing two hundred candles shining their light in the midst of a dark church on Christmas Eve is a testament to the power of the Light of Love to cast out the darkness in our world.  

  In the northern hemisphere, it will soon be the darkest day of the year. Shortly after this darkest day, Jews will begin the celebration of Hanukkah, and a few days after that, Christians will celebrate Christmas. It is worth noting that, central to the celebrations of both Hanukkah and Christmas is a witness to the power of a light that cannot be extinguished.  

  The holidays are a hard time of year for many. Darkness can be experienced in many forms—grief, loss, anxiety, financial strain, loneliness, and the feeling that we are only the ones who are not having a joyous holiday celebration this year. Darkness is real and needs to be acknowledged, for it is in the midst of that darkness that the true meaning of Christmas becomes real, the Light of Love is always stronger than the power of darkness.  

  Occasionally during the singing of "Silent Night," a draft may cause one's candle to go out. Not to worry, though, because the person next to them will patiently and without question simply relight their candle. This provides a beautiful metaphor for those of us who will soon be celebrating Christmas, inviting us to think of people whose candle could use some support as they rekindle their lives, ones we could reach out to, patiently and without question, this year.

  We at Living Compass wish our Jewish readers a Happy Hanukkah, and our Christian readers a Merry Christmas. May the Light of Love be rekindled for you and those you love, and shine for all the whole year long. 

**I will be taking time off next week for the holidays and so this column will return in two weeks.  

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Making Peace

Making Peace

       Again this week I have been immersed in deep and inspiring conversations about peace, as Living Compass continues to host a Facebook discussion group of almost eight hundred people who are reading our Living Compass Advent booklet entitled, “Practicing Peace with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.” The wisdom in this group is uplifting, and I am clearly receiving from the group as much as I am giving.

The group is private, but anyone can ask to join. Once in the group, what people share is confidential. So while I can’t share anything specifically that has been written, I can share that a common theme, which I am sure is not a surprise to anyone, is one of people struggling to make peace with a current stressful situation or relationship in their life.

The holidays often serve as a magnifying glass for whatever challenges we are currently facing. It’s also a time when we become acutely aware of any changes or losses that have occurred in our lives since last year. And so it is not unusual during the holidays to find ourselves saying or feeling something like, “This year, I am trying to make peace with ……... “

The phrase “make peace with” is so perfectly descriptive because peace is not just something that happens on its own, any more than getting in shape just happens. You have to make a decision, and then take steps to make peace with whatever you are facing that is challenging in your life.

Each person’s path toward making peace will be unique, but I have found that there are specific steps that help. Here, in no particular order, are ones that I find to be helpful in my own life.

*Focus on simply accepting “what is” at this present time.

I have always loved the quote attributed to a 113-year-old man who was asked why he had lived such a long life. He replied, “When it rains, I let it.” He surely knew that fighting or resisting “what is” is a sure way to prevent peace because what we resist will persist.

*Practice gratitude.

Most of us are aware of some feelings of loss or emptiness around the holidays. We don’t want to ignore or minimize these feelings, and at the same time we don’t want to overlook what we have to be grateful for in your lives. What we focus on tends to grow.

*Get spiritual.

All spiritual traditions provide teachings and inspiration for making peace. Turning to a higher power can help us let go of hurt or conflict and make peace with our lives as they are.

*Learn to let go.

As Brené Brown says, "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one." Of course, it's not an either-or choice. We will always want to reread and cherish previous chapters of our lives, while at the same time, we will want to be open to creating new ones. If we only reread and revisit our past, then we will have trouble making peace with our present and our future.

These are my thoughts. What else would you add as crucial steps to making peace? If you are so inclined, please visit our Facebook page and share your responses. Your idea might be just what someone else needs to hear fright now.

Whatever this holiday season holds for you this year, I pray that you may find your own path to making peace with it.

And if you want to receive our daily Advent email reflection about Practicing Peace, you can sign up for them HERE.

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