If You're Not Making Mistakes, You Probably Aren't Trying

If You’re Not Making Mistakes, You Probably Aren’t Trying

   My wife and I just returned from a two-week Spanish language immersion experience in Cuernavaca, Mexico. It was indeed one of the most profound experiences of my life. We lived with a local host family, and so our learning experience was not just limited to the six hours of formal instruction we received each day. Mexico has always been our favorite place to visit because the people are so warm, soulful, and welcoming. This recent experience only confirmed this truth many times over.  

  We had been considering taking this plunge for some time and finally got up our courage to do it. I thought that deciding to sign up and go would be the hardest part of the process, but soon after arriving, I faced an even more difficult decision that I had to make.  

  I have studied Spanish sporadically throughout my adult life, even taking private online lessons with native speakers, and so  I went to Cuernavaca with a beginner/immediate level of confidence. I also went with a bit of pride, wanting to show what I already knew. My pride evaporated immediately when in response to my perfectly crafted questions (perfectly crafted because I had time to prepare them in advance) were met with responses that were well beyond my level of comprehension. I was suddenly rendered speechless. 

  It was at that point that I had to decide how I was going to show up for this cultural immersion. Was I going to play it safe and stay within the comfort zone of the Spanish I already knew? Or was I going to allow myself to risk making continuous mistakes as I tried to form new phrases, use new tenses, and reveal how little I really knew. 

  I am happy to say that I quickly got over my pride—thanks to the help of my host family and teachers who were “muy amable”(very kind). And once I became comfortable making mistakes, my learning curve progressed exponentially. The more I learned, the more chances I took and the more mistakes I seemed to make, all ofwhich  became additional teachable moments. It reminded me of a saying I heard a few years ago: “I have learned so much from my mistakes that I think I will go make some new ones.” That became my motto for the last two weeks.  

  It occurs to me that my language immersion experience is pretty much how it goes whenever we are in the process of  change or growth. Whether we are learning to let go of a child who is leaving home, entering a new relationship, starting a new job, making a move, entering a new stage of life, going back to school, or taking up a new hobby we really have no choice as to whether there will be mistakes and missteps. We do, however, as I learned in Mexico, have the choice of whether we will choose to embrace and accept our mistakes and missteps, realizing that in the process these moments are exactly what lead to the learning and growth we are seeking. 

So remember, “Si no estás cometiendo errores, problamente no estás tratando.”

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Three Questions for Back to School

Three Questions for Back to School

   You can just feel the rhythms of daily routines and habits changing this time of year, not just in the changing of the seasons, but in the changing rhythms of households with children who have started a new school year. Even if you don't have children in your household, you most likely know some child-a niece or nephew, a grandchild, neighbor, or a child of a friend-who is back in school.  Families everywhere are now adjusting to routines of more structured days and evenings. While there is the inevitable sense of loss over the ending of the free patterns of summer, one positive addition that many families rediscover this time of year is family dinner time. Even if it can only happen a few nights a week, time around the dinner table is precious and meaningful. This week, I read an article by a blogger, Meg Conley, who shared a simple way to enhance family dinner conversations. She suggests having each person at the table share their responses to three simple questions, which can be discussed as a family, with another adult, with friends, or simply in your own mind. If you keep a diary or a journal they are ideal prompts for some soulful reflection there, too.

   Here are the three questions.

   How were you brave today?   I love this question because it is so strength-based. Asking people to highlight how they courageously faced a challenge is positive and hopeful. For adults, this could apply to anything from bravely facing an illness or loss, having a difficult conversation with someone who has hurt them or who spoke up upon hearing something offensive in their presence. For a young person it could mean talking to a teacher about someone who is bullying them or another child, or asking for help in understanding a difficult assignment. Life is full of difficulties at any age and it is inspiring to celebrate brave and courageous responses to life's challenges.

   How were you kind today? This question reminds us that no matter what happens to us  on any given day, there are always countless opportunities for both children and adults to practice kindness. Extending kindness to others can be as simple as the way we interact with a clerk or server, or calling or visiting a friend in need. A middle school student could be kind by befriending a child who has been marginalized by the popular crowd at school. Come to think of it, this same expression of kindness could be practiced by adults as well in their own contexts.

   How did you fail today? This last of the three questions normalizes the fact that, in spite of our best intentions, on any given day, we fail. Sometimes we try something that fails, sometimes we fail to do something (like being brave or kind) that we wished we had done. A high school student might share that they tried to give a talk in front of the class that day without notes and they became embarrassed when they lost their train of thought. Or an adult might share they didn't speak up that day when they wished they had, or missed a deadline at work. They might even acknowledge something that they failed at as a parent. This question normalizes the fact that none of us are perfect and that the mistakes any of us make are opportunities for learning.

   So how would you answer these three questions right now? Whether you answer these questions by yourself, with friends, or family around the family dinner table, I believe you will be inspired and enriched by what is shared, and what you learn about yourself and others in the process.    

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I am away, and in fact have gone back to school myself this week (more to follow about this in future columns), and so this column is one that I first wrote and shared several years ago.  

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Balance and Ice Cream

Balance and Ice Cream

   Do you ever suffer from sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia? If you do, you have no one to blame but yourself. That may sound harsh, but I know first hand about this because I, through my own doing, suffered from it again last week. That's right, just a few days ago I made the mistake of eating my two scoop mint chocolate chip ice cream cone way too fast.  Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the scientific name for what we normally refer to as a brain freeze or a dreaded ice cream headache. 

   A brain freeze, I learned after doing a little research, is caused when the nerve fibers on the roof of one's mouth get overwhelmed with too much of a cold sensation. When this happens the nerve fibers begin to constrict and the brain interprets the signals it is getting as pain. A brain freeze will pass relatively quickly (although it doesn't feel quick when you in the midst of it) and it is helpful to know that holding your tongue on the roof of your mouth will help relieve the symptoms. This is because your tongue will help warm up, and thus expand, the cold nerve fibers.

    The lesson in all of this is simple--too much of a good thing is often a bad thing. We know this in theory of course, but it is easy to forget in the moment. For example, I have a tendency to work too much and when I do my work/life balance gets off-kilter. This can easily create its own kind of brain freeze, where stress causes my thinking to be less clear and my emotions to be more reactive. Others may routinely stay up late enjoying the quiet of the night leaving them exhausted and crabby in the morning. Others may overspend in the excitement of the moment, only to feel the pain when the credit card bill arrives. Still, others may enter too quickly into a relationship only to find out later that the other person is not a good match for them.

   We live in a culture that seems to thrive on excess and intensity, and where moderation can even be viewed as boring or dull. This way of thinking is captured in a saying I have heard folks proudly exclaim from time to time, "If anything is worth doing, it is worth overdoing." It is usually said in a joking manner, yet many people seem to take it seriously or even as good advice. However, interestingly enough, whenever I ask people to list some words that they associate with wellness, the word balance is almost always at the top of the list.

   The famous Trappist monk and writer, Thomas Merton wrote, "Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony." And the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus wrote, "Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance." My response to these two great thinkers is to pose a few important questions for all of us, myself included: Is there anything right now in our lives that we are doing either too intensely, quickly, or in excess? Is there some area of our lives that if we slowed down or did in a more moderate way, we might enjoy it more, both now and in the long run?

   With this in mind, the next time you find yourself enjoying an ice cream treat, remember that balance and moderation are not only essential to enjoying ice cream, but are also the keys to helping us all, "taste the joys of life in abundance."

Scott is on vacation today and next week, and is no doubt eating lots of ice cream. This column first appeared several years ago.

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Food For The Soul

Food For The Soul

  I have always loved going to farmers markets, but the last two years, my weekly visits to buy freshly harvested vegetables have taken on a whole additional level of significance for me. That’s because the market vendor I am buying my freshly harvested, chemical-free vegetables from is Blue Heron Community Farm, a Wisconsin farm started two and half years ago by my hard working daughter and son-in-law.  

  I have learned more about how to grow and choose healthy food in the last few years than I ever knew was possible. To walk the fields with the farmers who are growing your food and to see first hand how food can be grown without herbicides and pesticides (but with a lot of hard, manual labor) has helped me to connect with the source of my food in a way that no trip to a grocery store ever will.  

  I recently read that there are over 8,000 farmers markets in the United States each summer, and that this number is increasing rapidly. What is it that people are longing for that accounts for the growing popularity of these markets? I can think of at least three reasons. 

  The first  is community. Farmers markets are communal by nature. They bring together producers of various kinds (vegetable farmers, growers of flowers, organic meat producers, bakers, local artisans, musicians, and more) and at the same time they bring together the local community. Part of the fun of going to a farmers market is running into neighbors and friends. Since the beginning of time, food has brought people together as it is grown, gathered, cooked, and shared with others.

  I think a second reason we love farmers markets is that, as the saying goes, “They are keeping it real.” Most of the produce offered at farmers markets is like my daughter and son-in-law’s in that it is grown without pesticides and chemical fertilizers. In a world where much of our food is processed and filled with artificial ingredients, it is all the more appealing and important to purchase and eat food that is produced the same way it has been produced for hundreds of years. Michael Pollan, author of In Defense of Food, Cooked, and The Omnivore’s Dilemna captures this perfectly when he suggests, “Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.”  

  The final reason that I love farmers markets is because they directly connect me with the source of the food I am eating. When I buy my produce from the grocery store, I don’t have that same direct connection to the farmer and the land where the food is grown. In thanksgiving for all those who make healthy food possible I find another quote from Michael Pollan to be appropriate, “Whenever possible, shake the hand that feeds you.” 

  Spirituality is central to my life, and so I do many things to practice and nurture my spiritual life. It occurs to me as I write about what I love about farmers markets, that I am describing what, for me, are three cornerstones of spirituality: community, “keeping it real,” and connecting with the source from which all life comes. It’s no wonder I love farmers markets so much!  

  If you haven’t visited a market yet this summer, you still have time to support your local farmers and other artisans, and your own well-being all at the same time.

You can learn more about Blue Heron Community Farm at their website HERE.

Great photos of their produce can be found by visiting and liking their Facebook page HERE.

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Love Is Greater Than Hate

Love Is Greater Than Hate

     Portions of these thoughts were shared in a previous column I wrote several years ago, in response to acts of hatred that had occurred that week. Regrettably, these words are still timely in response to the horrifying acts of violence that occurred once again this past week.  

  Some of the most beautiful words ever written about love were authored two thousand years ago by the apostle Paul. The words appear in the Bible’s New Testament. If you have attended a Christian wedding this summer, you may have even heard his words read at the ceremony. No matter how many times any of us have heard or read these words, they are always a good reminder of how we are to live in relationship with others. I, for one, am always moved by them. Here are Paul’s words from his first letter to the Corinthians written almost two thousand years ago.  

Love is patient; love is kind.

Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 

It does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in the truth. 

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. 

And now faith, hope, and love abide, 

these three; and the greatest of these is love.    (1 Corinthians 13)

  Sometimes we are better able to understand something when we reflect on its opposite. And so when I read the words below this week about hate, I found that they made me appreciate even more the power of Paul’s words. These words are intended to help us deepen our understanding and commitment to living out the words from 1 Corinthians 13 by looking at its opposite.  

Hate is impatient; hate is cruel.

Hate is jealous; it puts on airs.

It is snobbish; it is always rude.

It is self-seeking; it is prone to anger.

Hate rejoices with what is wrong, but does not rejoice with the truth.

There is no limit to hate's malevolence, to its untrustworthiness, its despair, its weakness to sustain.

Hate never wins.

There are in the end three things that fail:

Deceit, despair, and hate.

And the weakest of these is hate.

(Rob MacSwain, shared with permission)

  Each of us must do our part to stand up and speak out against hate, both in our public, and private lives. We must work to ensure that, “Hate never wins” and that, “Love never ends.”

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