The Voice of Our Inner GPS

The Voice of Our Inner GPS

 Summer is a time when many of us spend more time in our cars as we head out on road trips, vacations, trips to the beach, or even long drives just for the fun of it. If you are like me, you have come to rely on navigational software when you drive, especially when headed to an unfamiliar destination. I realized just the other day that there are some valuable life lessons to be learned from my directional assistance software.
 

     There are  always multiple routes available. When I enter a destination, my software always gives me at least three options from which I can choose. I have learned that sometimes the most interesting routes are the longest ones, taking me by sites I would easily miss on the more direct, faster route. Regarding whatever short or long-term destination we are seeking in our own lives, it's good to remember that there are always multiple ways of getting there and that often the less traveled routes are most rewarding.  
 

    Stay calm in the midst of stress. A few weeks ago I was driving in heavy traffic in the middle of a torrential rainstorm. It didn't matter how stressful the situation was, the voice of the woman who speaks to me through my software remained cool, calm, and collected. I would be wise to do the same when talking to myself or others in the midst of stressful times.  
 

   Be kind to yourself when you've made a wrong turn.  As I said, the voice of my directional assistance software is always calm. This especially impresses me when I make a series of wrong turns. I fully expect her to turn on me at some point with something like, "How many times do I have to tell you?" Again, I wish I could be so kind when I or others make wrong turns.
 

     Recalculating is always possible. Speaking of wrong turns, my software never gives up on me when I miss a turn. Instead, it just calmly lets me know that it is recalculating and then gives me new directions based on where I am  now located. Never once has my software said to me, "I have no idea how to help you now, and so I give up."
 

    Learn to celebrate small achievements. It's a small thing, but I love it when my software sounds a little chime when I arrive at my destination. It's as if she is giving me a high five and saying,"Way to go, you made it!" It's a little thing of course, but it's also a reminder to regularly celebrate small achievements, both for ourselves and others.
 

    So here's to a few more road trips before summer is over, and here's to the many directional assistance software programs that assist us in more ways than one.  

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The Wisdom of Trees and Other Wonders of Nature

The Wisdom of Trees and Other Wonders of Nature

In his 2005 book Last Child in the Woods, Author Richard Louv coined a phrase that has stayed with me since I first heard it. He writes that children are spending so much time indoors that he believes they are suffering from what he calls “Nature Deficit Disorder." There is plenty of data to back up Louv's claim that children are spending more time indoors. The American Pediatric Association recently reported that an average eight-year-old child in the United States spends eight hours a day in front of a screen (computer, mobile device, or television) and that the number increases to eleven hours a day for teens. Nature Deficit Disorder is not a medical diagnosis, but is a way to call attention to the fact that children are too often missing out on the whole-health (body, mind, and spirit) benefits of spending time outdoors.  

Nature Deficit Disorder is not only affecting children. It seems that this time of year that almost everyone, when given a chance, retreats to nature for renewal. As I view emails and Facebook posts from countless friends who are taking time off, I see that almost every one of my friends is choosing to spend a significant portion of their vacation time doing something outdoors, away from screens. They are going for walks, gardening, golfing, camping, kayaking, biking, hiking, fishing, spending time at the beach, going to summer camp, cherry picking, attending picnics, and enjoying countless other outside activities. We are intuitively aware of the restorative health benefits that come from spending time outdoors.

A friend of mine who is a grade school teacher loves to spend time in her garden, and when she is not in her garden, she is often biking, hiking, or kayaking. She is concerned about children experiencing Nature Deficit Disorder and when I recently visited her classroom I was not surprised to see that there were many nature-themed posters on the walls. Each of the posters contained a motivational quote to inspire the children to spend time outside. Not being able actually to hold class outside, she had found a way to bring the lessons of nature indoors. I remember one poster of a large oak tree in particular and I will close this week's column with the wisdom from this poster. The photo of the mature oak tree was stunning, and it drew me closer so that I could read the message that was the central focus of the poster. Here's what it said:  

Advice From a Tree
By Ilan Shamir

Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb
Remember your place among all living beings
Embrace with joy the changing seasons
For each yields its own abundance
The Energy and Birth of Spring
The Growth and Contentment of Summer
The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall
The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter
Feel the wind and the sun
And delight in their presence
Look up at the moon that shines down upon you
And the mystery of the stars at night.
Seek nourishment from the good things in life
Simple pleasures
Earth, fresh air, light
Be content with your natural beauty
Drink plenty of water
Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes
Be flexible
Remember your roots
Enjoy the view!

I need to go now because I need to get away from my screen and get outside to see what essential lesson nature has to offer me today.

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Who Do We Appreciate?

Who Do We Appreciate?

I was out for a bike ride one evening this week, and I came upon the iconic summer scene of a Little League baseball game. I stopped for a moment and watched, reminiscing about the many years I spent both playing baseball as a kid, and coaching my kids as they did the same.

As I rode on I found myself thinking back to one particular ritual that we used to do after each game, both when we won and when we lost. Our team would form a circle and chant, “Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Go…….Giants (or whatever the name of the other team was).” Then we would go over and shake hands with the other team, who had usually just finished doing the same cheer for us. We were paying attention to each other’s efforts, whether it led to a victory or not. 

For me, one of the most important parts of youth sports, if not the most important part, is the opportunity to teach character and values through being a good sport. Educating youth to appreciate others efforts sincerely, no matter the outcome, is a life lesson they can hold on to long after they complete their Little League baseball years.

All of this brings me to one of the core teachings that runs throughout our adult, parent, and teen wellness programs, the principle that, “Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.’ While I didn’t mention this principle directly in my column last week where I talked about the gift of imperfection, it was certainly implied. In that column I spoke of when it comes to our gardens as well as our lives, we can pay attention to the weeds that will always be there, or we can pay attention to that which is good and beautiful. Because, in fact, whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.

I recently heard a different way of declaring this truth and it ties in with the Little League baseball cheer I mentioned earlier. It goes like this: “What we appreciate, appreciates.”  

If we appreciate and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we appreciate someone’s efforts in facing a hard challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and their commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something kind that someone does for others, we give encouragement for more acts of kindness.

When we call someone up who is alone who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and make their day.

You can, I’m sure, think of additional examples from your own life of how, “What we appreciate, appreciates,” and I encourage you to do so. Even more, I encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way and appreciate people in your life.

So, here we go team,…….”Two, four, six, eight. Who can we appreciate? Go……….”

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The Gift of Imperfection

The Gift of Imperfection

    I was talking to a friend the other day who described himself as a perfectionist when it came to his yard, while at the same time acknowledging he was doing his best to get over the trait that had earned him his self-given title. He explained that the problem with being a yard perfectionist is that even when your lawn is ninety-eight percent weed free, the only thing about the yard that you notice is the few places where crabgrass is interrupting the beautiful stretches of grass. While no one would ever confuse me with a lawn perfectionist, I certainly can be one in other areas of my life, and so I know of what my friend speaks. In fact, I shared with my friend that I describe myself as a "recovering perfectionist." I commit one day at a time to not wearing myself and others out by not wanting or expecting everything to be flawless. 

    Summer is not only the season when we spend time thinking about, working on, and enjoying gardens, lawns, and parks, it is also the season of the year that we think about, plan, and enjoy weddings. As I was thinking about weddings this week and all of the relationships that will be celebrated, I realized that my lawn perfectionist friend provided me with an ideal metaphor for helping those couples, and all others in relationships, think about how they can best build healthy, long-lasting relationships, marriages, and families. 

    Every relationship contains some weeds of imperfection. Why? It’s because every relationship is made up of two imperfect people, two people who at times naturally become self-centered, irritable, and crabby. If we struggle with perfectionism in our relationships then eventually the only thing we will see in our partner, child, or friend is his or her "weeds." If we make a habit of noticing their flaws, pretty soon we may, without even realizing it, begin to overlook all of their good traits.

    We have a saying in Living Compass that reminds us that, ”Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." If we only pay attention to the crabgrass in someone we care about, pretty soon that's all we will see. On the other hand, if we pay attention to what we love, enjoy, and appreciate about that person, we will see weeds less and less. If there is a weed growing in a relationship that is serious and potentially destructive to a relationship, then it must definitely be addressed before it creates real damage.

    I recently had the chance to spend time with a couple who has been married for over fifty years. When I asked them what advice they would share with any couple just starting out, they both agreed on two pieces of wisdom.

“Don’t focus on the petty things that can annoy you in the relationship.” 
and

“Make time every day to truly love and appreciate one another.” 

    This advice certainly seems to be helpful for many people I speak with, both personally and professionally, and I can see how it relates to managing perfectionist tendencies. Anyone can quickly wear out a partner, child, spouse, friend, or coworker with unrealistic expectations. 

    Weeds will always appear from time to time, both in lawns and in relationships. Knowing the difference between the weeds that are a normal part of every relationship and the weeds that are potentially destructive, and doing something about them is key to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. In addition, choosing to regularly focus our attention on what we love about a partner, spouse, child, or friend will grow both our love for them, as well as create a surplus of goodwill in our relationship. Just as grass needs water to stay green and growing, relationships, too, remain green and growing when they are watered regularly with love and positive attention.

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A Willingness to Get Involved

A Willingness to Get Involved

  Charlie Drake, one of my heroes and mentors, passed away this past week at the age of 86. I am one of a significant number of people who looked up to Charlie as a mentor. There are so many things to celebrate about this man’s life, and so I am pleased to be able to share one story that shows who Charlie was and why so many looked up to him. This story has to do with his very personal, hands-on efforts to help start what is now a vital nonprofit organization serving youth in the city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

    The Rev. Seth Dietrich, the pastor of Christ Episcopal Church in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, where Charlie was a very active member, actually wrote about Charlie’s work in helping to start this youth organization in the church newsletter, and so I will share with you here what Seth wrote to the people of his church this week.

    “In the late 1980's, St. Andrew's Episcopal Church on 32nd and Lloyd (Milwaukee) had many kids from the neighborhood coming to church. Charlie felt a call to ministry in the city, and he checked out St. Andrew's and began to periodically worship there. As he got to know the kids in Sunday school and worship, he heard first hand about the incredible challenges they faced on a daily basis. He enlisted the men's group of our church, at the time called The Brotherhood of St. Andrew's. Originally, the group was going to put up money for a scholarship fund, but Charlie convinced them that kids needed more personal attention and mentoring. In 1990, 8 people began a tutoring program for about 20 kids and The Homework Club was born.

    While Charlie was tutoring he began to get more involved in kids' lives. If they needed a winter coat he bought one; same with school supplies. He would take his mentee to baseball games. He started going to kids' parent-teacher conferences when a parent could not be there. The other tutors followed Charlie's lead, and before long, formal programming (e.g., a large-scale coat-drive) was created to institutionalize things that Charlie had just been doing on his own. Eventually, the Homework Club became Our Next Generation, a thriving non-profit organization which now has multiple locations and serves hundreds of kids every year.”

    One of the many things I love about this story is that Charlie made the decision the path of personal, direct involvement in the lives of the kids was the best way to make a difference in their lives. Over the years have had the honor to serve as both a board member and a tutor at Our Next Generation and so I have had the chance to witness first hand the effect that Charlie has on the kids. He made their faces shine when he walked in the door, and I couldn’t help but notice that they returned the favor, making his face shine with delight every time he was there with them.  

    I thought of Charlie when I heard the tremendous news of the twelve boys from the Thai soccer team, along with their coach, being rescued from the cave where they had been trapped for nine days. The willingness of the international team of divers, doctors, and other rescue team members to risk getting involved, and to give so selflessly is what made the mission ultimately successful. Any one of them could have chosen to pass on the mission, but they did not. Charlie, like the team of rescuers, chose to risk getting involved and to give selflessly to help hundreds of children. He, too, could have chosen to pass on the mission, but he did not.  

    It pretty safe to say that the opportunity to help a child in as dramatic a way as the rescuers did in Thailand this week will never present itself to any of us. It’s also pretty safe to say though, that we are all presented with many opportunities to help children in our own contexts, children in our families, neighborhoods, and communities. 

    In honor of Charlie, I’m going to be looking for new opportunities to serve a child in my corner of the world who needs a little extra love and support. I think that would make Charlie smile.

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