Staying Connected in the Midst of Conflict

I am currently in Israel on a trip through the Holy Lands and so am sharing a column that I wrote six years ago regarding being in relationship with people who have strong differences of opinion regarding politics.  It is interesting how relevant it still is both in Israel, in the United States, and throughout the world.   With the recent intensity of political division in our country people are being presented with plenty of opportunities to practice their conflict resolution skills.  Family members, friends, and colleagues who find themselves on opposite ends of the political spectrum are finding their relationships challenged, as emotions are high and the language on both sides becomes increasingly more inflammatory.  Thus, it seems that now is good time to share a few thoughts about how to manage and/or resolve conflict, so that healthy relationships can be maintained, and maybe even strengthened, in the midst of conflict.

I write from two perspectives, as a marriage and family therapist and as an Episcopal priest.  As a therapist, I help couples and families resolve conflict every day.  As a pastor, I work with faith communities that are  made up people who represent the full range of  political views, conservative to liberal.

So from these two perspectives, I offer a few tips on how to maintain healthy connections with others, even in the midst of conflict. This is list is by no means meant to be exhaustive.

• Listen.  Listen.  Listen.  Few people make the mistake of listening too much, especially in the midst of conflict.  Listen to the position of the other person until you understand it so well that you can articulate it just as clearly as your own.  Somehow people have confused compassionate listening and understanding with agreeing.  They are not the same.  Mutual listening and understanding are foundational to conflict resolution, and remember that if through listening you find your position changing somewhat, this is not a sign of weakness.

• Understand the narrative that has given rise to the other person’s position.  All positions, all view points, are embedded in a life narrative that has been formed and informed by important people, places, experiences, core values and beliefs unique to that person.   Knowing all of this will help you understand the emotions that the person connects with their position.  At the same time, be aware of your own narrative, your own life experiences that have formed and shaped your positions and view points. When you encounter a person whose opinions are very different from your own, a couple of great questions to ask are, “How did you come to believe what you believe? Who were the important people and what where the important life experiences that formed the opinions you have today?”

• Remember that the problem or issue which is being debated is the problem, and don’t make the person with whom you are disagreeing the problem.

• Avoid inflammatory language and always avoid demonizing the other person.  Never resort to name calling or degrading language. Be respectful at all times.  Practice humility.  Articulate your perspective strongly, but know that in any complex matter, there are intelligent, ethical, well-meaning people who see things differently than you do.  Affirm what unites you, rather than merely focusing on what divides you.  There are often higher ideals that both sides agree on, even though they  disagree on the best way to enact those ideals.  If possible, look for genuine ways you can “meet in the middle” and when you cannot, then assert and act on your opinions and beliefs in a way that is respectful.

Times of conflict, believe it or not, can even strengthen a relationship because during such times we show our deepest passions, and what it is that truly defines us. Through that process we will also come to know one another more fully.  There is a vulnerability when we reveal our deepest passions and ideals to  one another, and this has the potential to deepen relationships.  If we can do this with respect, integrity and compassion, we will find that we can maintain healthy relationships, even in the midst of conflict.

The Wisdom Is In The Room

     Just before Christmas I had the honor of spending an hour with a group of forty elders at their retirement community. The occasion for my visit was that I had been invited to come and give a talk about "How To Maintain Spiritual and Emotional Wellness Through the Season of Winter."  Here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the days are quite short this time of year and it is important for all of us, no matter how old or young we are, to be proactive about staying well. I accepted this invitation without hesitation because I have found that I always benefit from spending time with people who have more years of wisdom on this earth than I do. I began my time with these wonderful people, most of them in their 80's and 90's, by sharing with them a core teaching from our Living Compass wellness programs. That teaching is, "The wisdom is already in the room."  This teaching is a reminder that whenever a group of people gather to discuss wellness and wholeness, every person brings  a great deal of wisdom with them. It is also an effective way to remind people that the most important wisdom can be found within what people already know and not necessarily in what some presumed "expert" knows.

So as I began my "talk" at the retirement community, surrounded by a room full of wise souls, I said, "The wisdom is already here in the room.  You have gained it over the years and have brought it with you today, and together we are going to learn from each other about how to enhance our spiritual and emotional wellness." I'm delighted to report that they spent the next hour proving my assumption to be correct.

I had a large pad of paper on an easel and together, as a community, we worked to create a list of essential habits and practices they gleaned as being good for the nurturing of one's heart and soul. What made the list  so powerful, is not just the ideas that were shared, but the context within which they were shared. Many of the elders shared quite personally about very real challenges they were facing, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and so the wisdom they shared was clearly coming deep from their life experiences. I made sure to copy the list and I share it with you here. I hope you enjoy and appreciate the wisdom I found in this group as much as I did.

"Things That Strengthen One's Spiritual and Emotional Wellness as Shared by the Residents of St.John's on the Lake, Milwaukee, WI, December, 2016"

Cultivating an "Attitude of Gratitude"

Reading books on spirituality

Serving others

Spending more time with friends-not isolating

Spending more time with children

Forgiving freely-others and yourself

Letting go of regrets

Not taking yourself too seriously

Praying, meditating, embracing being quiet

Singing as often as possible

Spending more time listening, rather than just talking

Learning to accept and love things as they are, including your aging body

Supporting one another

Laughing more

Staying active, trying to move some every day

Finding the blessing in each day

Remembering the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer

Every time you see someone, even if you don't know them, greet them with a smile

Reflecting back on this experience, I know one thing I would add to this list as something that I believe always enhances our spiritual and emotional wellness: Spending more time with the elders in our families and in our communities.

The Roots of Change

I took our now dried and brittle Christmas tree out to the curb the other day, and placed it on top of a snow bank. (Those of you who are not so fortunate to live in a northern, winter climate like Wisconsin, will have to use your imagination.) It wasn't alone out there as many of our neighbors had recently done the same. Even though Christmas is over, it's still a sad sight to see all the discarded Christmas trees waiting to be picked up and taken away to be turned into wood chips somewhere. Even though we are only a week into the new year I have already had three people tell me that they have given up on their resolutions for making a change. It seems that, at least for some people, their resolutions are being discarded, right along with their Christmas trees.

The reason a Christmas tree dries out and needs to be discarded is obvious-the tree has been cut off from its roots. In a similar manner, resolutions to change that are cut off from their roots are also bound to die quickly. Unless we deal with the root of the issue we want to address with our resolution, our efforts to change will rarely succeed. This is true for individuals, couples, families, and organizations as well. Perhaps if you have made a New Year's resolution you may have already discovered that keeping a  a resolution is more complex than you may have thought.

For example, let's imagine a couple has made a resolution to make a positive change in their relationship. They have been feeling distant from each other so together they resolve to start having a weekly date night.  The first date night goes fairly well. They feel good about themselves for acting on this resolution. The second date night, however, does not go so well. One spouse begins to criticize the other's parenting, creating a reaction of, "I'm sick and tired of always being told what's wrong with me." This creates a reaction of, "If you'd ever listen to me, maybe I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself!" As you can imagine the third date night never happens. Why? Because some of the roots of the problem in the marriage, unhelpful communication patterns, along with old hurts, have not been addressed. Unless that becomes the new focus for their resolution, the weekly date night resolution will most likely not succeed.

This example could easily be applied to any relationship that we seek to improve. Old histories, old patterns-the roots of the problem- will inevitably emerge as we seek to change and grow with each other.  Knowing and understanding this is crucial as  this helps prevent us from becoming discouraged when our attempts to change are not initially successful. "Failed" attempts at change, usually means we haven't yet focused on the root of the problem.

As the root of the problem emerges we can make a new resolution to deal with it. In the example above, the couple could go back to the drawing board and create a new resolution to work on their communication. They might resolve to get some coaching or counseling, sign up for a marriage education class, or together read a book on healthy communication.

Remember that any attempt to make meaningful change, in any area of our lives, will  eventually surface the challenges  that have been preventing the change. If you experience this happening, simply refocus your resolution to work on addressing the roots of the issue. By keeping your resolutions to change connected to their deeper roots, you will improve the chances that your resolutions won't soon end up on out at the curb, discarded in early January, just like a dried out Christmas tree.