Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget.  I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning.  The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us.  Those who lost loved ones that day or those that were close to the trauma are of course most affected, but to some degree all of us still affected which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected.  Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return.  This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it  is an important key to healing.

As a pastor and psychotherapist I have had the opportunity to work with many victims of trauma through the years.  They have taught me that there are three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss, one of which I have already mentioned.  The three essential tasks are: feeling, talking, and trusting.  If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first.  They can come like waves that feel as though they are threatening to drown the person who has experienced the trauma.  The key to working through these intense feeling and to beginning the process of healing is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow.  If the feelings are blocked the healing is blocked.  Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced.  There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out or we can act them out.  If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs.  It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust.  We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting.  Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

When I work with people who are recovering from trauma my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to.  You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss.  What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk?  For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001 are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed.  There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself this saying is incomplete, though.  Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds.  What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again, and again.

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

If you are a working person and are fortunate enough to have this Labor Day weekend off, you will probably enjoy the experience of doing less this three day weekend.  No doubt it is wonderful to do less over a long weekend, but the author of a new book says that real joy and real productivity is found by learning to do less on a daily, long-term basis. Greg McKeown, the author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less has written a thoughtful book for busy people.  The following questions from a promotional web page for this book, reveal the audience this book is written for.

Have you ever found yourself stretched too thin?

Do you simultaneously feel overworked and underutilized?

Are you often busy but not productive?

Do you feel like your time is constantly being hijacked by other people’s agendas?

This is not another book about organizing our time, our money, or our stuff.  It is instead a book about organizing our priorities, about deciding what in our life is essential.  According to McKewon, organizing our priorities requires us to focus our energy on determining what is most essential to us and doing only those things.  The following two lines from the book help make this point.

“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done.”

“Instead of making choices reactively, the Essentialist deliberately distinguishes the vital few from the trivial many, eliminates the nonessentials, and then removes obstacles so the essential things have clear, smooth passage. “

I don't know about you, but I am prone to saying “yes” to too many activities, making commitments and then finding it hard to do all of them well.  I have had a habit of doing this in both my professional and personal life and so this book really spoke to me.  Since reading this book six months ago I am delighted to report that I have been practicing essentialism and am getting much better at saying “yes” to the things that matter most in my life. I am also finding that I have renewed energy and am more fully present for the things I do commit to do.

McKeown does not talk directly about spirituality in his book “Essentialism” and yet I found this book to be spiritual through and through.  Clarifying one’s most important values and priorities and then developing a disciplined set of life habits that reflect those most essential values and priorities is at the core of what it means to live a spiritual life.

Of course, the easiest part of reading any self-help book is just that, reading it.  The hard part always lies in the disciplined application of the important truths that the book contains.  I do appreciate the fact that the subtitle of McKeown’s book is “The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.”  He is well aware that reading his book will make little difference if it does not lead to disciplined action by its readers.

If your Labor Day weekend plans include plenty of time to rest, you will be happy to know that McKewon has a chapter in his book as well about the essential nature of rest.  And if your weekend plans include reading, I highly recommend this book.

Teaching With Our Actions

Last week I repeated a column from a few years ago that asked we adults to reflect on the question that many young people are asking now as they return to school,  "Who is your teacher?"  As I reflect on this question for myself, I am aware that one of my teachers is a former United States President, Jimmy Carter.  For the last several decades he has continued to teach me a great deal about love, service, and the capacity to transcend political ideology in the service of a higher purpose. Two weeks ago Jimmy Carter announced that he has been diagnosed with liver cancer, and that it has spread to four spots in his brain.  So what did this former President and Nobel Peace Prize winner do the Sunday following his announcement?  He did what he does most every Sunday, he taught Sunday school at his church, Maranatha Baptist Church in Plains, Georgia.  In fact, this was the 689th time he has taught Sunday school at his church. This time though he did something he had never done before. This past Sunday because there were more than 800 people lined up for his Sunday School class, more than he could accommodate in his regular class, he agreed to teach a second class later in the morning at the local high school.  And the topic for this past Sunday's double-header Sunday School class?  Former President Carter taught his 800 students about "loving your neighbor as you love yourself" while his wife of 69 years, Rosalynn looked on with pride.

I don't know the specifics of what Jimmy Carter taught about loving your neighbor last week, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what he might have said because I have been watching how he has lived his life for so many years.  I don't need to know the specifics because the former President has modeled loving his neighbors through his life of service, his thirty years of volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity, and his founding of the Carter Center, a non-profit whose goal is to wage peace, fight disease and build hope throughout the world.  The teachers that I admire most, the ones that have taught me the most about life, teach with their actions and by how they live their lives, as much as what they say or teach with their words.

Some things transcend political divides.  Things like love, coping with a serious health diagnosis, and facing death with dignity and grace.  These are things we all need to learn how to do and we are wise to seek out teachers who can teach us through their words and deeds, teaching us to live our lives in ways that model dignity and grace.

I am blessed to have many teachers from whom I continue to learn these important life lessons. A few are well known like Jimmy Carter, but most are people I am simply blessed to know as family or friends. I am grateful for all the teachers in my life, but this week I am especially grateful for a man of deep faith from a little town in Georgia.

Now I  ask each of us, in honor of our teachers, to reflect upon these questions.  Who are your teachers, and perhaps just as important, who are you teaching? Who might be looking to you to teach them important lessons about life or love? Who might be watching how you live?

Who's Your Teacher?

Beginning this past week, all across the country, students have returned to school. Feelings of excitement mixed with a tinge of stress are ubiquitous for both children and their families as rhythms of summer are replaced by the rhythms of the school year. One question that is especially on the mind of every younger child as he or she begins school is, "Who's my teacher going to be this year?" Parents, along with their children, are hoping that their children get the teacher they desire. For most of the readers of this column, it's probably been a few years since you have started a new school year. However, I invite you to think of the question, "Who's Your Teacher?" as it applies to you in your adult life.

We may not be in school any more, but we are learning our whole lives. Life is our classroom and the potential lessons are limitless. As you reflect on your own life right now, who are you learning from? What teacher or teachers are you seeking to learn from? What lessons are you wanting to learn from this teacher or teachers? There is an old saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will arise. What in life are your ready to learn right now? Who will you learn it from?

In this classroom called life we are all students and we are all teachers. We are all lifelong learners. We turn to our friends, family members, mentors, colleagues, pastors, rabbis, coaches, therapists, and others to be our teachers. And along the way, others turn to us to be their teachers as well.

We often turn to someone to be our teacher who has more experience in what it is we need to learn. This is often someone who has already been where we are going. A parent turns to other parents, especially those with more experience, to learn from their wisdom. A person struggling with a cancer diagnosis turns to other cancer survivors to learn from their life experience. A person wanting to deepen their spiritual life turns to their faith leader and members of their faith community to learn from and be inspired by their faith journeys. A person starting out in their career turns to a respected leader in their field. A singer hires a voice teacher and joins a choir. A person wanting to start exercising takes a fitness class or joins a fitness club. A reader joins a book group.

When we were school children we did not have a great deal of say about who our teacher was. As adults though, we get to choose who our teachers will be. Choosing our teachers is very important. And just as important is being humble enough to acknowledge that there is always more for us to learn. To be a lifelong learner is to relish the fact that our awareness and consciousness is always expanding.

So who are your teachers right now? As you think about who your teachers are right now, also think about whether you are looking for an additional teacher or perhaps an additional learning community at this point in your life. If so, this time of year is a great time to make a change.

And so to all the students out there, both young learners and lifelong learners, "Happy back to school!"

     This column originally appeared several years ago and is being repeated with some updates this week as Scott is on vacation.

Road Trip!

What do the following songs have in common?  

On the Road Again, by Willie Nelson

Counting Stars, by OneRepulic

Blue Suede Shoes, by Elvis Presly

Barracuda, by Heart

Drive My Car, by the Beatles

Truckin’, by the Grateful Dead

Born in the USA, by Bruce Springsteen

Lean on Me, by Bill Winters

Sweet Child O’ Mine, by Guns N’ Roses

The Wolf, by Mumford and Sons

Stronger, by Kanye West

That’s the Way I Like It, by KC & The Sunshine Band

Summertime, by Kenny Chesney

Happy, by Pharrell and

Hot Fun in the Summertime, by Sly and the Family Stone

Give up?  All of these songs are songs I have recently heard on a Sirius Satellite Radio called “Road Trip Radio.”  This station, just  available for the summer, is a collection of songs from multiple genres—country, hip hop, R & B, classic rock, and pop—that all have a driving beat that makes you want to turn up the volume and sing along.

Sirius Radio is offering a free thirty day trial and so I signed up a few weeks.  I stumbled upon “Road Trip Radio” on channel 18 the first day of my trial subscription and I’ve been living ever since.  I haven’t had the pleasure of going on an actual road trip during this time—like so many others are doing this time of year—but I certainly have enjoyed the good vibe and energy that the station creates in me as I drive around town.

Going on a road trip is an American tradition, something not surprising at all given our love affair with the automobile.  The first transcontinental road trip in America took place in 1903.    Route 66, begun in 1926 and completely finished in the late 1930’s, became a “ must do” road trip for many Americans.  The completion of America’s interstate highway system meant that long distance road trips were then possible for anyone with a car.

While most people who go on a road trip have a destination in mind, perhaps a tourist attraction, a national park, or to visit friends or family, the actual road trip itself is often an important part of the fun.  Experiencing the freedom of the open road while driving with the windows down and the music turned up loud is often as much fun as arriving at the intended destination.

Can you remember any memorable road trips you have been on in the past?  Have you been on a road trip this summer, or are you going on one soon?  If so, lucky you!  If not, don’t fret.  As I have discovered the last few weeks, tuning into the right kind of music, rolling down your windows, turning up the volume and singing along can instantly create that free and easy feeling that one experiences on a road trip.

Road trips are a great experience in and of themselves, but they also provide some great reminders for us about living life.  Life is more fun when accompanied by a great sound track.  We feel most alive with the windows open and a breeze in our face.  Whenever possible, take others along with us to maximize the experience.  And most importantly, we are wise to remember that enjoying the journey is sometimes just as important as getting to our destination.