Valentine's Day Deposits

As we prepare for the celebration of Valentine's Day, here are some interesting statistics that capture just how much this day means to Americans. • 17.3 billion (that's right, billion) dollars will be spent in celebration of Valentine's Day. • 224 million roses will be given. • 1.9 billion dollars will be spent on flowers. • 1.6 billion dollars will be spent on chocolate. • 4.4 billion dollars will be spend on gold, diamonds, and jewelry. • 151 million Valentine's Day cards will be exchanged.

As a culture, we clearly value expressing our love for each other this time of year. This includes the expression of all kinds of love, not just romantic love. Valentine's Day is also an opportunity to tell friends, relatives, colleagues, and class mates (Remember exchanging cards with everyone in your classroom when you were a child?) how much they mean to us.

While it would be possible to look at the amount of money that is spent on Valentine's Day and conclude that this holiday has become overly commercialized, I choose, instead, to see the numbers above as a reflection of how powerful the need is within each of us to both give and receive love and appreciation. Two of the most fundamental needs we all have in life are to love and to be loved.

In our Living Compass class on healthy relationships we talk about the concept of "emotional bank accounts." In order to build and maintain healthy relationships we need to make regular "deposits" in the emotional bank accounts of those with whom we are in relationship. When we celebrate Valentine's Day by giving a friend or loved one a card, some flowers, or chocolate, we are clearly making a deposit in their emotional bank account. We are making them happy and we are strengthening the relationship.

There will undoubtedly be times when we make "withdrawals" from another's emotional bank account as well. Withdrawals can come when we are irritable or overly critical, when we forget to acknowledge an important event or day (like Valentine's Day!), or even when we are distracted or simply not paying attention to a relationship. Withdrawals are a natural part of life, but something we want to be aware of because too many of them can significantly hurt a relationship.

Research has shown that healthy relationships have a ratio of deposits to withdrawals of at least 5:1. This means that in healthy and happy relationships there are at least 5 times as many expressions of kindness, gratitude, and appreciation as there are expressions of criticism or lack of attention.

Now here's some really good news. While it true that Americans will spend over 17 billion dollars on Valentine's Day, some of the most powerful deposits we can make in each other's emotional bank accounts do not cost a cent. Giving a compliment, saying a kind word, expressing gratitude, making a phone call, sending a text message or a hand written note can make a big difference in a relationship. Just letting someone know that we care about them will not cost us anything at all, and yet will do a lot to build up that person's emotional bank account and at the same time strengthen our relationship with that person.

To paraphrase a MasterCard commercial that has been popular recently:  What is the cost of Valentine's Day related expenses for Americans? $17.3 billion. What is the cost of regular, ongoing expressions of kindness, gratitude, and appreciation? That, my friends, is priceless.

Stay With Me

My wife and I saw Bob Dylan in concert this past November in Chicago. It was probably our twentieth time of seeing him perform over the last thirty-five years and we were thrilled with his performance. In fact, at age 73, we found his singing to be as clear and soulful as we had ever heard him. He is always finding something new to add to his concerts, and so now he only plays the grand piano and no longer plays the guitar--either acoustic or electric--that he is well known for playing. After Dylan completed his performance, he left the stage, and to no one's surprise, he received a rousing, standing ovation. Upon returning to the stage Mr. Dylan sang two songs as his encore for the night. The first song was no surprise as it is one of his most well known songs, Blowing in the Wind. The second, and closing song of the evening, was a complete surprise to all. Seated at the grand piano Dylan enchanted us with the song, Stay With Me. Stay With Me, it turns out, is a song that is actually a prayer for guidance, and was written in 1963 for the film The Vatican. The song was recorded by Frank Sinatra the following year. I must say the surprise encore of Stay With Me was one of the most pleasant and delightful moments of the evening and one we will not soon forget.

This week, Bob Dylan released his 64th album that, based on early reviews, is also being received as a pleasant surprise to listeners. The Album entitled Shadows in the Night, includes ten classic songs from what Dylan calls the "The Great American Songbook," including the song he surprised us with at the Chicago concert, Stay With Me. Several of the songs on this album date back to the 1940's and I am guessing that Bob Dylan, born in 1941, grew up in a home where his parents listened to many of these songs.

I am inspired by Dylan's new album in several ways. First, I am inspired that at age 73 he is still creating new music, and is still out there touring and enchanting audiences. I am also inspired by fact that Bob Dylan, one of the greatest song writers of all time, is humble enough to record an album on which he lifts up and sings the songs of other great song writers. Finally I am inspired that in this album I see the wisdom that comes with age, that bows to acknowledge and honor the wisdom in the songs that formed and shaped him as a young child.

Dylan models for me an essential lesson in wellness. To live well means to be able to do two things. It means to be able to find your own voice and "sing your own song" and, at the same time, it means to be able to honor the voices and sing the songs that come from a collective history and wisdom that are bigger than one's self.

I can only now imagine the young, twenty-three year old, Bob Dylan writing and singing The Times They Are A Changing, thinking all the while that his parents didn't know much about life and that their music was old and irrelevant. And now, I can also imagine a much older Dylan recording the album he released this week and thinking to himself, "Wow, my parents knew actually did now something about fine music and perhaps about life, too, and I am grateful to be able to honor that music with this album."

So in honor of Bob Dylan's new album this week, may we all continue making our own music, and at the same time, may we remember to honor the collective wisdom, and the collective soul, of the voices and music that have come before us.

Here are the lyrics to Stay With Me. If you would like to listen to the song, you can do so at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt1BBubMHzM

Should my heart not be humble Should my eyes fail to see Should my feet sometimes stumble On the way, stay with me

Like the lamb that in springtime Wanders far from the fold Comes the darkness and the frost I get lost I grow cold

I grow cold, I grow weary And I know I have sinned And I go, seeking shelter And I cry in the wind Though I grope and I blunder And I'm weak and I'm wrong

Though the road buckles under Where I walk, walk along Till I find to my wonder Every path leads to Thee All that I can do is pray Stay with me Stay with me

The Power of Vulnerability

Like many people in my generation, I was raised with the idea that vulnerability was a weakness. Showing vulnerability was something to be avoided. Many of us were taught that if we were ever feeling vulnerable it was best for us to do everything possible to hide this from others. This mindset regarding vulnerability did not serve us well and thankfully I realized that at a relatively young age. While suppressing vulnerability at all costs may serve a person well when facing a saber-toothed tiger or facing an armed enemy, it does not serve a person well when it comes to living and loving well. In fact, as I learned just this week, there is now extensive research that shows that the key to living well, the key to living a whole-hearted life, is the ability to feel and express vulnerability.

I am in Houston this week for a national conference of leaders in the Episcopal Church who are passionate about helping others to learn about life-giving approaches to teaching and experiencing the Christian faith. One of the keynote speakers for this conference, Dr. Brené Brown, is a graduate professor in the school of social work at the University of Houston, and is also an active member of Christ Episcopal Cathedral in downtown Houston where we were meeting. We had the privilege to sit in her church, listening to her tell us about her research on "the power of vulnerability." We were not the first people to hear this fascinating woman speak about vulnerability.

The fact is that over 18,000,000 people have watched Brené Brown's twenty minute TED talk on "The Power of Vulnerability." (I highly recommend it. You can watch it here.) It is one of the most widely watched of all TED talks. Additionally, Brown has had several bestselling books on this topic and she consults regularly, not just with church leaders, but with the leaders of Fortune 500 companies as well.

In brief summary of Brown's research, she has discovered that while blocking or numbing feelings of vulnerability may help us deal with pain in the short run, in the long run it also blocks us from the ability to form meaningful connections with others. As I heard her say this week, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and of love." It turns out that science now proves that the advice that we should do our best to hide feelings of vulnerability is not at all helpful, as was once believed. Instead, the ability to express vulnerability is a key to experiencing happiness and joy.

Here is a concrete application of what Brown is saying. Imagine you have experienced a loss recently--perhaps the death of someone you love, a recent illness, job loss, or some other kind of hurt or set back. When a friend asks you how you are doing your first instinct might be to avoid any expression of vulnerability and respond that you are doing just "fine." The problem with this, of course, is that is not true. You know it, and the person you are responding to, knows it, too.

Now imagine instead that, while it is not easy, you choose to be vulnerable with that friend and respond by sharing with them how difficult it is for you right now. Responding in this way will do several things. It will immediately deepen your connection with this person, it will help with your own healing, and it will likely illicit a response from your friend that lets you know that he or she may have experienced something similar in his or her life and that you are not alone in feeling the way you are feeling.

Dr. Brown's research on vulnerability is counter-intuitive to what most of us have previously been taught and believed. I hope you will do yourself a favor and watch one of her TED talks or read one of her best selling books. More importantly, my hope for you, as it is for myself, is that we will have the courage to live our lives in ways that promote wellness through authenticity, and vulnerability so that in the end we can experience a life of joy and whole-heartedness.

The State of Our Union

This past week President Obama delivered his 'State of the Union" address, something every president does this time of year. In light of this annual ritual, I suggest we take this as an opportunity for each of us to do something similar in terms of our own wellness. I invite us to pause and take stock of the "state of our wellness" and specifically to reflect on the state of our own "union." What exactly do I mean by this? Well, let me start by saying that one of the core wellness principles in all of our Living Compass programs is the principle of integration. To be well is to live an integrated life. This means several things. It means we pay attention to and integrate all aspects of wellness in our lives--physical, spiritual, emotional, relational, vocational, and intellectual. It means that we are integrated in all the roles we play in our lives, meaning that we are not one person at work and in public, and a different person at home and in our private lives. To live life in a united, integrated way is to "walk the talk, and talk the walk." It means that we have no secrets and that we have nothing to hide from others or from ourselves.

Another primary connection between unity, integration, and wellness is that it means we live our lives in such a way that our spirituality--our faith, our core values and beliefs--is integrated into every aspect of our lives. To live this way is to fully integrate what we believe into how we live. The opposite of union and integration is division, and so the opposite of living an integrated life is to live a divided, disintegrated life.

When we lived a divided life, a life where we do not integrate all dimensions of wellness, where we pay attention to one aspect of our wellness but neglect others, and a life where our spirituality is not integrated into all aspects of our lived, we will experience "dis-ease" instead of wellness. The wise Trappist monk and prolific author, Thomas Merton, wrote that "There is in all things, a hidden wholeness." To seek to live into the wellness and wholeness that is God's gift and God's call to us, is to discover and integrate the "hidden wholeness" into our daily lives. I know this to be true, and yet I also know from first hand experience that to live a fully integrated life is an ongoing work in progress.

So what's the current state of your life, of your wellness right now? What is the current state of your own "union," your own integration? What do you want to affirm and celebrate and what to you want to commit to strengthen and improve going forward? What are your deeply held values?You and I don't have to share our answers to these questions on national television, but pausing to take time to answer the questions for ourselves, will be invaluable for strengthening our own wellness and wholeness.

Ascending Together

This past Wednesday rock climbers Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson reached the summit of El Captain's Dawn Wall in Yosemite National Park after nineteen days of climbing. Until they accomplished this amazing feat, no one had ever free climbed the vertical, sheer, 3,000 foot Dawn Wall. The climbers used only their hands and feet to ascend, using ropes only as safety precautions to catch either climber should one of them fall, and to hold their tent and sleeping platform at night. Free climbing, as you can imagine, is by far the most extreme and challenging form of rock climbing. To provide some idea of how difficult the climb was it is important to understand that one portion of the climb took Jorgeson seven days and ten attempts to complete. Caldwell, having already completed this difficult section, was forced to wait on the wall for his climbing partner to catch up to him. At other times during the climb, they were forced to pause their ascent as they waited until lacerations in their fingers and hands healed enough for them to be able to continue. It was not uncommon for them to use super glue to close the cuts in their fingers. Their patience and determination was tested in every way. The sheer magnitude of what these two individuals accomplished is almost impossible for most of us to fully comprehend, especially if we are not climbers ourselves. Caldwell and Jorgeson will now clearly be seen as two of the most accomplished and skilled individuals in the history of rock climbing.

As I have read the stories of the amazing success of these two men, one thing that stands out to me is that an essential ingredient in their success is the fact that they accomplished this climb together. Their partnership is not just a nice addition to their success, but rather an essential and necessary ingredient. Neither man could have done this alone.

Caldwell and Jorgeson have spent many years and thousands of hours planning and practicing this epic climb up the Dawn Wall in Yosemite. They knew from the beginning that they would need to make this journey as a team and there was always the intention that they would both succeed in reaching the top together. During the climb, they of course cheered each other on and at other times belayed each other, assisting with the ropes to help keep the other person remain safe even if one lost his grip and fell. Because this was a free climb, neither climber could ever use the ropes to help himself or his partner to ascend in any way, yet they could use the ropes to catch their friend if they were to fall.

There is a great wellness message in all of this. Each of our journeys in life is in many ways an individual journey. There is much in life that we can only do by ourselves. Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson could only do their own individuals climbs--they could not do one another's climbs. At the same time, though, they could only achieve what they achieved because they did it with the support of each other. There is an African proverb that sums this up so well: "If you want to travel fast, travel alone. If you want to travel far, travel with others."

When asked by reporters at the top of their climb if they hoped that their feat would inspire others, Jorgeson replied, "I think everyone has their own Dawn Wall, some big goal they would like to achieve." With this in mind, may we look now to Jorgeson and Caldwell as a reminder that whatever challenges we find ourselves climbing or whatever difficult goals we have set for ourselves, we will always climb farther and higher together.