Commencement Wisdom

As a person who does a great deal of public speaking, I love this time of year because I have the opportunity to read and listen to a wide variety of commencement speeches.  While I have no personal experience giving this kind of speech, I can only imagine that this is one of the hardest speaking assignments as each speaker must work to find just the right balance of wit, wisdom, and originality.  Because many commencement speeches focus on advising graduates how to live well in this world, I thought it would be more than appropriate to share some of the best quotes from a few college commencement speeches given this year. Columnist David Brooks spoke at The University of the South at Sewanee, and shared these words. "Commencement speakers are always telling you to find your passion.  Your passion will find you. Relax and wait for it. … Don't think about what you want from life, think about what life wants from you. If you're observant, some large problem will plop itself in front of you. It will define your mission and your calling. Your passion won't come from inside, it will come from outside."

TV Journalist Katie Couric spoke these words at Randolph Macon College in Virginia.  "The losses I've experienced have taught me something else: We are all terminal. You have to appreciate the gifts that every day of your life will bring. Your family. Your friends. A beautiful sky at sunset. A perfect ear of corn in August. The first snowfall of the year. A baby's tiny hand. Be grateful for the time you have and savor the joy that comes your way.  Look for those in-between moments … not big events, but the little ones when you're laughing with a friend, taking a walk, helping an elderly neighbor with her groceries."

James Sprung, gave the graduating senior speech at The Cooper Union for Advancement of Science and Art in New York City, and shared these inspiring words.  "Hope. Hope is everything. A fresh way to approach a dull or dangerous thing. To do a dull thing with hope will never be preferable to doing a dangerous thing with hope. To do a dangerous thing with hope is what I call art. Hope is a way of doing. A way of being done."

Author and environmentalist, Bill McKibben, reminded the graduates at Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida that commencement is not an end, but a beginning. "This is not an end, commencement. It's an opening. Your minds have been brought alive, and hopefully your hearts have been brought alive as well by the education for the last many years. Do not let those hearts and those minds go back to sleep."

Twitter CEO, Dick Costolo, helped graduates at the University of Michigan remember that often in life we do not fully realize the full impact we are having on those around us.   "Not only can you not plan the impact you're going to have, you often won't recognize it when you're having it."

All of these speeches have something wonderful to say us all, but by far my favorite commencement speech this year was given by Jon Murad at Harvard University's commencement.  Mr. Murad earned his master's degree this year from the Harvard Kennedy School and was chosen by his peers to offer the Graduate Student Address.  Jon is proud to be a “cop in the Bronx in New York City.”  He was given a year's leave and a scholarship by the New York Police Department to get his graduate degree at Harvard.  He also earned his bachelor's degree from Harvard eighteen years earlier.    Now that he has graduated, he will return to his old job of being a cop in the Bronx.  His speech is a wonderful reminder that one of the highest callings in life is serve others, whether in one's job, volunteer work, or any other way we can find to give back to the world.

What follows is an extended quote from Murad's speech, but I highly recommend that you watch his speech in its entirety.  It's a great investment of a little under seven minutes of your time.   The link to the speech  on YouTube is:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdwTBesf2zE “I'm probably not the only municipal cop in the country with 2 Harvard degrees, but I'm surely in a tiny cohort, but that's not a boast but a lament. If there is something special about this place [Harvard] and the lessons that we learned here, and I believe there is, then America, the world needs people like you in these roles.  Because John Adams was dead wrong, success doesn't mean rising to the top, it means changing the world. And here's the secret: everyone changes the world, everything ripples. It's how we do it that counts.”

Congratulations to all the 2013 graduates.  May all of us go forward remembering that passion must come from the inside, that our losses often teach us what's most important in life, that hope is everything, that we need to keep our hearts and minds awake, that often our greatest impact on others is hard for us to see, and that finding ways to serve the greater good is the key to a well-lived life.

Loosen Your Grip and Keep On Pedaling

Over the years I have learned many important life lessons from riding a bike.  This past weekend I broke out my bike for the first long ride of the season and I am pleased to share that I learned one more lesson that I would like to pass along to you.  The point of the lesson has to do with what at first seems like a paradox--something that is completely counter-intuitive, one can work to be relaxed while stressed.Because I'm somewhat of a bike nerd, I love to read articles about biking whenever I get a chance.  I read an article  this winter that provided the basis for the life lesson I learned last week on my bike.  This article said that many riders lose valuable energy during times of peak exertion--the very same time that they can least afford to lose any energy.  The article made the point that when a rider is straining his or her legs riding up a steep hill that there is a natural tendency for the rider to completely tense up his or her hands, arms, and upper body.  There is a tendency to grab the handle bars with much strength and thus to tighten all the muscles in his or her 's arms and shoulders.  This tensing of the upper body does not translate into any increased output for the rider's legs, but rather it has the opposite effect.  Tension in the upper body drains energy from the lower body, where the energy is needed most. The article went on to say that the art of riding well when a biker's legs are stressed is to keep the upper body very relaxed and loose.  When I read this, I was intrigued.  I wondered if it was really possible to be relaxed and stressed at the same time.  I looked forward to trying out the idea and that's exactly what I did last week.  Sure enough, I naturally did  exactly what the article said not to do.  Whenever I came to a hill or tried to accelerate quickly, I found that I immediately tensed my whole upper body--not just my arms and hands, but my teeth as well!  This reaction was automatic each time I exerted myself. I remembered the article I had read in the off-season and for the remainder of my ride I tried to practice what I had read.  Each time I found my self straining my legs for either a hill or because I was increasing my speed, I worked  hard to keep my hands, arms, and jaw very relaxed.  I consciously deepened my breathing and loosened my grip on the handle bars.  I loosened my shoulders and jaw as well.  And guess what?  I could immediately feel a difference.  My legs felt stronger and most importantly I felt like I was riding more efficiently. I could truly feel a positive difference.  One thing I learned was was that if I consciously took the time to relax my upper body just before I began a steep climb up a hill the climb was much more manageable. The application of my bike lesson to the rest of life is perhaps obvious.  We all face stresses and obstacles.Like you, I have plenty of things that can be stressful in my life.  Sometimes the pace of my work gets very stressful.  Sometimes I have to have a stressful conversation with someone I care about.  Sometimes I get stressed worrying about someone I love.  In all of these situations, remembering to take some deep breaths and at the same time to loosen my need to control the outcome of situation, has a very positive effect on how things go.  Whenever I know I am about to enter a stressful situation, I always take a moment to say a prayer and center myself.  It always helps me to approach the situation with greater calm and greater clarity.  In a sense, that's what I'll be doing from now on my bike as well.  I'll be praying that somehow I can make it up the steep hill in front of me. And because I'll be more relaxed going forward I will in fact have a better chance of making that prayer come true. Please don't take me word on all of this, though.  Try it out for yourself, whether on your bike, or the next time you are about to enter a stressful situation at work or home.

Wait For It

Have you ever accomplished or created something significant in a short period of time?  While there are exceptions to everything, I would guess that most of us would answer this question negatively.  It takes time and patience to create a life of meaning.  It takes time and patience to create a trusting, caring friendship, marriage, or family.  It takes time and patience to create a new initiative in your community.  It takes time and patience to create a spiritual life.  It takes time and patience to create meaningful work.  It takes time and patience to create physical wellness.  It takes time and patience to create a life of giving and service to others. No one would ever confuse me with a person who is good at practicing patience, but as I get older, I am working on it.  It takes time to learn the practice of patience!  Too often I want to see immediate fruit from some effort I am making, whether it be getting in better shape, strengthening a relationship in my life, or starting a new project in my work.  Even in my prayer life I can find myself acting like a line from an old joke: “Lord, please give me patience, and please give it to me now!” Patience is in short supply in our world.  People want what the want and they want it yesterday.  In our LIving Compass Wellness groups we see that patience is often the biggest challenge for participants.  As participants in these groups seek to make small changes to strengthen one area of wellness in their lives, they often report that the biggest challenge is staying committed to the changes if they do not see immediate results.  To make any significant change in our lives takes commitment, discipline, perseverance, and patience.  Of these four, patience is often the hardest for people to practice. One place we can turn to better learn the practice of patience is nature.  The rhythms of nature unfold at their own pace.  A tree buds and flowers blossom in their own time.  They cannot be rushed.  Eggs are laid and young are hatched in their own time, following patient rhythms of nature.  Along the east coast of the United States, from North Carolina to Connecticut, we are witnessing an amazing and unique example of the patient rhythms of nature in watching the unfolding of what is known as “Brood II.”  Brood II is the term used to describe the return of a particular group of 17 year cicadas.  Some 30 billion cicadas that were born in 1996 and have been living underground since they were born, are just now emerging as the temperature of the soil reaches 64 degrees.  They will live for a short time with the primary goal of reproducing.  Their offspring will then burrow into the earth and like their parents, emerge 17 years from now in the year 2030.  Could there be a better lesson right now about patience?

One of the most beautiful writings about love was written 2000 years ago in Saint Paul's letter to the Corinthians.  It is worth noting here that in Paul's description of the many attributes of love, the first one he lists is patience.  Love, like everything else worthwhile in life, takes time.  The fruit of mature, abiding love takes time to be fully realized.  May the cicadas remind us that love, along with all good things in life, require patience and time--sometimes as long as 17 years.

Momisms 2013

Our wellness initiative continues the tradition of honoring mothers as Mother's Day approaches, by remembering the wisdom they teach us about how to live our lives well.  Last week I asked readers to share their favorite momisms and I received seventy-five responses.  I am sorry that I can't share them all, but I am delighted to share ten that stood out to our Living Compass wellness team.  We offer these ten momisms to you with a sentence or two reflection about what they have to teach us about wellness.      You can't know anything you've never been taught.  The implicit message of this momism is that we are wise to remain open to learning throughout our entire life.   Throughout each stage of life we can benefit from new experiences that teach us important lessons about wellness.

     Buy good fruit.  The wisdom here is that in order to eat well, we have to first make the choice to buy well.  This applies to all aspects of wellness.  Anticipation and preparation set us up to succeed.

     This moment is fleeting in the face of eternity.  Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things--to live in the present moment, and that any present suffering is more bearable when we place it in the context of a much larger time frame.

     Take care of a goldfish and then you can get a dog.  When taking on any new challenge or responsibility it's important to start small.  New habits are learned best in small steps.  For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run you first 5K.

     Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.   Twelve step programs teach this same wisdom when the remind us to live one day at a time.  Start toward major goals with small steps.

     You know the difference between right and wrong, so act accordingly.  We almost always know what wellness and wholeness look like in the various aspects of our lives.  The key is matching our actions with what we know, matching our walk with our talk.

     For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken.  We need to remember to integrate the spiritual with the practical.  Faith without works is empty.

     The best way to have a friend is to be one.  Today this is known as the law of attraction.  All relationships are important and need to be tended to stay strong and healthy.

     If you can say something nice about somebody--sincerely--you should tell them.  This is the positive version of, “if you can't say something nice about someone don't say anything at all.”  This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others as it is what builds and strengthens individuals and relationships.      You are my sunshine and my love and prayers go with you always.  Unconditional love is the best gift of all.   It is love that is based on who a person is, not on what he or she does.  It is not only the best gift we can receive, but also the best gift we can give.

Emotional Resiliency

I love the word resiliency.  It's a fun word to say and I love the way it sounds.  It just sounds hopeful.  Even more than how is sounds, I like what it means.  To be resilient means to possess the ability to bounce back and recover one's emotional and spiritual center in the midst of difficult conditions.  Resiliency is not so much a trait a person possesses, but rather a skill that a person can learn and there are certain habits that a person can cultivate that will help them become more resilient.I had the joy of facilitating a conversation about emotional resiliency in the work place with forty church administrators this week.  As in many work settings, those in administration are the ones that hold the place together and when there is stress in the workplace, they are often the one's most affected.  It doesn't matter where you work--whether in the church or just about any other setting--stress in the work place is on the rise.  Some of the reasons for the increasing stress are people working longer hours or multiple jobs, they are taking on more increased workloads,  and they are finding that with smartphones, computers, and email it is harder than ever to keep personal time separate from work time. Perhaps you are one who is experiencing stress in the workplace right now.  Or perhaps you are experiencing stress in your personal or family life.  Whatever the nature of your stress here are a few suggestions that emerged from the conversation I had with some wise church administrators.  These suggestions can help any of us become more emotionally resilient in the face of stress. The first thing we all agreed upon was the importance of awareness--being able to honestly recognize the early warning signs that stress is building up and becoming a problem in one's life.  At our workshop I asked the group, “How do you know when stress is becoming a problem for you?”  Here are some of their answers:

• I get irritable and snap at people, either at work, or at home.
• I have trouble sleeping.
• I eat poorly, eating comfort food that's not good for me.
• I shut down and pull away from everyone.
• I get sick a lot.
• My allergies get much worse.
• I feel really anxious and have what feel like panic attacks.
• I cry a lot.
• I work more hours, but get less done because I'm tired and unfocussed.
• I stop exercising--the very thing I need to do more!

Our group agreed that the earlier we can pay attention to these warning signs that we are stressed, the easier it is for us to make the changes or adjustments necessary to recover our emotional balance. Our group discussed several other vital habits that help them maintain or recover their emotional center in the midst of stress.

• Develop and nurture one's spiritual life.
• Exercise on a regular basis.  It will do as much for one's moods as for one's body.
• Create healthy boundaries.  Know your limits and practice saying, “No.”
• Cultivate optimism.  Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.
• Create or find a social support network.  No need to go it alone.  Resist the urge to either isolate from others, or to become irritable and short with them.
• Keep your sense of humor!

Stress happens.  It is ubiquitous these days.  Emotional resiliency happens, too, though.  The key difference though, is that stress happens whether we want it to or not, while emotional resiliency is something that we have to choose to make happen.   I am grateful for our wise group of church administrators for reminding us all of the habits and practices we can create to help us thrive, even in the midst of stress.