We all face important decisions in our lives. Is it time to look for a new job or even a new career? What school do I want to attend, or what school will be best for our child? Should I move to a new city? Is this the right relationship for me? Should I begin training for a marathon? Is it time to think about retirement? I'm looking for a way to volunteer and give back to the community, but I'm not sure where to start. In many ways our identity is simply the product of all the decisions we have made in our lives. The decisions we make are that important.A group of men gathered in Rome this past week to make an important decision as they were charged with electing a new pope. While most of the decisions you and I make do not attract a great deal of public attention, this decision-making process captured the attention of the world. People worldwide were so interested in the making of this decision that there was even a pope app that millions were using to track the election. Over five thousand journalists from all corners of the globe were gathered at the Vatican, all watching a small chimney, waiting for the white smoke to appear signifying that a decision had been made. I believe we can learn something important about wellness from following the recent election of a new pope. Wellness is all about making decisions. Our physical, spiritual, emotional, relational, and vocational wellness is created by all the little and big decisions we make on a daily basis. As I watched the cardinals gather to make the decision about who the new pope would be, I saw them demonstrate two essential guidelines for making important decisions--decisions that will lead to greater wellness and wholeness. The first guideline for making good decisions that the conclave of cardinals demonstrated for us is that the best decisions are made when they are made in the context of community. The collective wisdom of a group is always greater than the wisdom of any one individual. To apply this to our own lives means that when we have an important decision to make we will be wise to create our own “conclave”, our own community of support. If you are thinking of making a career change, or if you are thinking of downsizing and simplifying your life, reach out and talk to as many people you know who are currently working on a similar decision or who have already worked through a similar decision. If you are thinking of running your first marathon, you would greatly benefit from talking to everyone you know who has run a marathon or who is currently training for one. Such conversations will build a community of support for us that will help us make and implement important decisions in our lives. The second decision-making guideline the conclave of cardinals demonstrated for us is that decisions are always best when they emerge from and are congruent with our core values and beliefs. While this may seem obvious in an explicitly religious decision making process such as the election of a pope, this same guideline applies to the important decision in our lives. We will greatly benefit from first clarifying our core values and beliefs so that we can be sure that the decision we make emerges from and supports those core values and beliefs. In our Living Compass program we talk about how the compass of our core beliefs and values needs to be the orienting compass for the decisions we make. All important decision points are opportunities to clarify and strengthen our core values and beliefs. So the next time you have an important decision to make, call your friends and form a community of support. Lock yourselves in a room with pieces of paper to write on and a wood-burning stove. Talk amongst yourselves, clarify your core beliefs and values, and when you have made your decision, send up a puff of white smoke to let the world know. While, of course, you and I won't literally gather friends and vote in this way, the guidelines that underlie the process of electing a pope will serve us well in the important decisions we make in our own lives.
Springing Back to Life
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where I live, we recently received eight inches of wet, heavy snow. The local radio station referred to this type of snow as “heart attack” snow because of the risk that comes from shoveling such heavy snow. While I am happy to report that I did not hear of any people suffering a heart attack related to the snowfall, the news was not so good for trees in our area. I unfortunately heard many reports and saw many photographs of trees whose branches had broken under the weight of the heavy snow.We have many evergreen trees in our yard and so we were especially worried about how the heavy snowfall might damage these trees. During the storm, my wife and I slogged our way outside through the snow with brooms in hand to brush and shake off the limbs that were quickly becoming weighted down with the heavy snow. We found that there was something almost magical about this experience of shaking off the beautiful, but heavy snow. The magic was not so much to be found in the beauty of the freshly fallen snow, but rather in the joy of “freeing” each snowbound tree branch. I could almost hear each branch groaning under the weight of the snow, and then in the instant that the snow was removed, I could imagine the branch shouting, “Thank you” as it sprang back to its natural position. A couple of months ago I was struggling with a new project that I was creating. I was stuck. I wasn't sure which direction to go and the longer my indecision went on, the more I began to second guess myself. Like the trees in my yard this week, I was weighed down and not feeling very resilient. I was fortunate at that moment to have a couple of close friends and colleagues reach out to me and offer some much needed encouragement, along with some helpful feedback. It was amazing what a difference their words and gestures made. It was as if they had come by with their brooms and knocked all the snow off my branches. Suddenly I was springing back to life, and saying, “Thank you” to my friends. It seems that you and I are a lot like trees in that we, too, can find ourselves overwhelmed and weighed down, especially when life has dumped some heaving things on us. A recent loss causes a person to feel alone and isolated--but just then a thoughtful call or visit from a friend helps them come back to life. A child comes home from a bad day at school, obviously burdened by what happened that day. Fortunately they are welcomed home by a kind, patient parent who creates a safe space for the child to talk about what happened. After the talk, the child begins to spring back to life. A person acknowledges his or her wrong-doing and takes full responsibility for hurting someone they love, and suddenly the relationship begins to spring back to life. And to paraphrase what Jesus said: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will brush the snow off your branches.” Who do you know that needs a loving word or gesture from you which could help them shake off what life has dumped on them? Who do you know that has been through a recent storm and is feeling especially burdened right now? Are you willing to put on our boots, get out your broom, and do what it takes to help? I hope so, because there is nothing quite like the magic of helping another living creature--whether it be a person or a tree--spring back to life.
What's Your Story?
Holocaust survivor and human rights activist Elie Wiesel included one of my favorite stories as a preface to his novel, The Gates of the Forest. “When the great Rabbi Israel Baal Shem-Tov saw misfortune threatening the Jews it was his custom to go into a certain part of the forest to meditate. There he would light a fire, say a special prayer, and the miracle would be accomplished and the misfortune averted.
Later, when his disciple, the celebrated Magid of Mezritch, had occasion, for the same reason, to intercede with heaven, he would go to the same place in the forest and say: "Master of the Universe, listen! I do not know how to light the fire, but I am still able to say the prayer," and again the miracle would be accomplished.
Still later, Rabbi Moshe-Leib of Sasov, in order to save his people once more, would go into the forest and say: "I do not know how to light the fire, I do not know the prayer, but I know the place and this must be sufficient." It was sufficient and the miracle was accomplished.
Then it fell to Rabbi Israel of Rizhyn to overcome misfortune. Sitting in his armchair, his head in his hands, he spoke to God: "I am unable to light the fire and I do not know the prayer; I cannot even find the place in the forest. All I can do is to tell the story, and this must be sufficient." And it was sufficient.
God made human beings because God loves stories.”
We are indeed story loving people. Our identity is formed and shared in and through stories. Three times in the last few weeks I have met with friends I had not seen for quite a while. How did we choose to reconnect? We reconnected by sharing coffee and stories. We shared stories about what we've been up to since we talked last. We shared stories about what people we love have been up to as well. “Tell me one more story” is not just the request of a child who doesn't want to go to sleep, it is the request we all make of one another when we get together.
If you need more evidence of the power of stories in our lives, be sure to watch the Academy Awards this Sunday night. Movies, which are simply stories brought to life on the big screen, play a powerful role in our culture. They inspire us and get us talking with one another. They entertain us and distract us from the stresses of everyday life. They bring couples, families, and friends together to create a shared experience not just in viewing the movie together, but in discussing and replaying the experience for hours and days after.
In our Living Compass 2013 Lenten Booklet, this week's entry talks about the Academy Awards (which take place this Sunday evening), movies, and our love of stories. The entry appears below, and the entire booklet can be found at www.livingcompass.org/lent.iml
“The Stories and Scripts of Our Lives”
Religious truths are communicated primarily through stories, with the Bible being the most well known collection of religious stories. The Bible contains hundreds of stories of Jesus, Paul, Moses, Sarah, Ruth, and countless others. The stories are there to teach us and to show us how peoples' lives have been transformed by God. Together, the stories create a narrative, which for we Christians, is the primary narrative that informs and guides our lives. All families, cultures, and religions tell stories to both entertain and to pass on essential truths. In our modern culture, movies are a dominant form of story telling. Tonight's annual Academy Awards extravaganza is a reminder of just how important movies are in our culture. Like stories, movies come in every genre: comedy, historical, religious, drama, family, and mystery to name just a few. Some movies are simply for entertainment, while others embody and teach important values about character, relationships, and meaning. While a movie involves many different creative talents, the whole process starts with the writer. Without a writer, without a script, without a story, there would be no movie. While each of us has been formed by the stories of our families, culture, and faith, we have also each been given the freedom to be the scriptwriters of our own lives. We get to write the stories that define our lives and our relationships. We get to decide if the relationships between the lead actor or actress, ourselves, and the other cast members will be marked by compassion or conflict. We get to decide what values and belief systems will influence the choices we make. We get to create the story line this is our life. So how is the story/movie of your life going these days? Are you excited or bored by it? Are you content or frustrated? Whatever you may be feeling, the good news is that the movie of your life is not finished yet! The story/movie is still being written. Are you unhappy in an important relationship in your life? Are you unhappy in your work? Have you lost a sense of purpose or meaning in your life? If so, there is time to expand and rewrite your script rather than continue to write a story you are not happy with or that is not fulfilling. We cannot write a new beginning, but our Christian narrative promises us that we are free to begin writing a new ending today. Our freedom to write and rewrite the scripts and stories of our lives is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. And remember that the greatest award for a well-written, and well-lived life, is not an Academy Award, but rather the peace and joy--the “right spirit within us”-- that comes to us and our loved ones when we dare to dream and create such a life.
Of Lent and Love
Ash Wednesday, the first day of the Christian season of Lent, and Valentine's Day will both be celebrated next week. The calendar has them falling just a day apart this year with Ash Wednesday on Wednesday and Valentine's Day on Thursday. While these two days stand for something quite different from one another, I would like to share a brief reflection that might actually help us to see what these two days have in common.Imagine a person buys a beautiful bouquet of flowers for his or her beloved for Valentine's day. The person receiving the flowers is moved to tears and says, “Your expression of love means SO much to me. Thank you so much.” And then imagine the person giving the flowers responds by saying, “Well, it is Valentine's Day you know and I didn't want you to be mad at me if I didn't do something for you today.” Ouch! The flowers in and of themselves would have been a wonderful gift. But when the person says, “I just didn't want you to be mad at me,” all of the positive energy of the gift of the flowers disappears. Why? Because the giver of the flowers revealed that their giving of the flowers was motivated not by love, but fear. Giving someone a gift because you are afraid they might be mad otherwise is very different than giving that gift to express genuine love. This is where Ash Wednesday and Valentine's Day have something in common. Our true motives in regard to how we approach each of these days makes all the difference. Because organized religion has so often encouraged a fear-based approach to getting people to do the right thing, many people approach Ash Wednesday, the season of Lent, and many religious traditions in the spirit of, “I better do something because I don't want God to be mad at me.” In matters of love and spirituality, the “why” we do something is as important as the “what” we do. Rather than approach Lent from a place of fear or guilt, why not approach it from this kind of mindset? “I choose to do certain things in this season of Lent in order to strengthen my connection with God because I am grateful and thankful for for God's love and for all that God has given me.” If you will be celebrating Ash Wednesday and Lent, and if you will be celebrating Valentine's Day next week, I encourage you to do so with a spirit of love and delight. Give of yourself freely because you truly desire to do so and not because you are worried about what might happen if you do not. A portion of Psalm 51 which will be read at Ash Wednesday services everywhere says,
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Give me the joy of your saving help again...” (Psalm 51:11,13).
Love in any form, from those on Earth or that of God, indeed renews the spirit within us and when we feel it we, cannot help but express in return that loving spirit with joy and delight. The expression of heartfelt feelings of love in any form is only authentic and meaningful if the motivation itself is grounded in love, not fear. When we are clear about the motivation, the “what” we do or give becomes less important and the true expression of gratitude and thanksgiving for that love takes care of itself, both on Valentine's Day and in observing Lent.
Falling Upward
One of the best books I have read in the last five years is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, by Richard Rohr. When I had a chance to be part of the FORMA Annual Conference this past week in Albuquerque, NM at which Rohr was going to speak, I was naturally excited. It's not always the case that an great author is also a great speaker, but I am delighted to report that Richard Rohr is both.Rohr is a priest in the Franciscan order who integrates wisdom from spirituality and depth psychology. He has traveled the world the last forty-two years leading retreats and conferences on wholeness and wellness. Falling Upward, published in 2011,is a book about the two halves of our lives. The first half of life, according to Rohr, is characterized by external growth, expansion, and accomplishment. It the time of life when people finish school, begin careers, begin relationships and families, and most things in one's life are on an upward trajectory. Rohr talks about the first half of life as being primarily about building and solidifying one's identity and one's ego. In contrast, Rohr describes the second half of life as being primarily about deepening one's identity and about developing one's soul. In the second half of life, things begin to get more complicated. Loss becomes more prevalent. Relationships end through separation or death. Bad things happen to good people. Dreams fall short and disappointments occur. We begin to face the finite limits of our lives in the second half of life. Things begin to fall apart, but the point that Rohr makes is that we have a choice when we face an experience of things falling apart. We can choose to fall down, or we can choose to fall upward--hence the name for his book. Rohr's book resonates completely with my own experience in life, both personally and professionally. In my experience, all spiritual growth--all growth of the soul--occurs in response to working through some experience of loss, some experience of facing a problem that cannot be solved by simply working harder (the striving of the ego). Another way to capture this is to quote one of my favorite sayings: wisdom is simply healed pain. Those who face and heal their pain as they move into and through the second half of life become wise. They are the sages and elders of our lives whose wisdom and council we regularly seek. Their souls are well developed. They have a depth and a gravitas that is palpable. Those who do not face and heal their pain in the second half of life, become constricted, bitter, and cynical. Rohr captured this difference in his talk this week when he said, “we have a growing population of elderly in our country, but not necessarily a growing population of elders.” The field of personal growth literature is vast. Much of it is geared toward the first half of life, toward what Rohr would call the growth of the ego. Most of these books are some version of “Ten Steps To A Better You.” There is of course nothing wrong with this kind of literature as far as it goes. But if you are looking for a book that will nurture the growth of your soul, look no farther than Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. You can read the book an a couple of days, but you will spend the rest of your life integrating and benefiting from its wisdom. Regular readers of this column know that one of my favorite sayings is, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” Richard Rohr makes this more specific, by saying, “Falling is inevitable. Falling upward is optional.” Rohr says that when we fall upward, what we come to discover is that what is falling away as we get older is the false self, and that what is finally emerging is the true self. He is clear though, that this is a choice that we have to make. We make it one day at a time, in community with those we love and trust, and in community with a Higher Power who is always guiding us to discover our true selves.