The Why of Change

It's the time of year when people make new year's resolutions. Here, according to Time magazine, is a list of the ten most common resolutions that people have made in recent years:  

1. Lose Weight and Get Fit

2. Quit Smoking

3. Learn Something New

4. Eat Healthier

5. Get Out of Debt and Save Money

6. Spend More Time with Family

7. Travel to New Places

8. Be Less Stressed

9. Volunteer

10. Drink Less

And what would you guess is the success rate for people sticking to their resolutions? The most common figure given is 8%. That's right, on average, 8% of people follow through on their resolutions for six months or longer. Perhaps this is why now 38% of people say that they never make New Year's resolutions.

Whether or not we make resolutions this time of year, we all know that creating sustained and lasting change is difficult. This is as true for individuals as it is for couples, families, and organizations. Our habits and routines become comfortable over time, and so by definition a change in those habits and routines is uncomfortable. The bigger the change we try to make, the greater the discomfort and apparently most like to avoid discomfort.

I believe that one of the reasons that resolutions to change fail (whether at New Year's or any other time) so often is because most resolutions to change focus far too much on the what and not nearly enough on the why. Connecting with the why we want to do something helps us to connect with the deeper emotional or spiritual reasons that we want to grow, which is different from merely making a change.

A parent who wants to change their critical tone with their child will be more likely to make that change if they first reconnect with their love for their child and their deep emotional and spiritual awareness that their child is a gift and worthy of respect. A desire to make a healthy life style change will have a greater chance of succeeding when it is grounded in a higher purpose, such as wanting to have more energy to bring to one's work, service to others, or to share with friends and family. Many people who follow a spiritual path, are wanting to make changes in their lives on an ongoing basis (not just beginning of a new year), ones that more fully align their lives with their spiritual ideals, such as loving their neighbor, caring for the environment, seeking peace and reconciliation in the world, or living with greater kindness and patience toward others. Spirituality focuses on the why of our lives, which in turn gives rise to what, if any, resolutions to change we may wish to make. The question then for all of us is why do we do what we do? Why do we want to work hard to make the changes we desire?

We at Living Compass would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. And if you are thinking about making a change this time of year, we invite you to first take some time to reflect on why you want to make that change. Connecting with the deeper spiritual and emotional reasons you want to change will not only help you clarify what you want to change, but will greatly increase the likelihood that the change will last.

The Wonder of Changing the Way We See

Wonder is a movie that stays with you long after you see it. It is the story of Auggie Pullman (played by 11-year old Jacob Tremblay), a fifth grade boy who has a craniofacial difference due to having been born with Treacher Collins syndrome, a rare genetic disorder. After years of being home schooled by his mother (played by Julia Roberts), his parents make the scary yet brave decision to send Auggie to middle school.  As if going to middle school isn't hard enough for anyone, Auggie and his family know that the potential for other kids to be cruel to him could be more painful than the twenty-seven plastic surgeries he has already endured. I won't share any spoilers here-well, maybe one, which just happens to be my favorite line in the movie. During a pivotal part of the movie, speaking to a student that has been suspended for bullying Auggie, the principal of his school says, "Auggie cannot change the way he looks. But maybe we can change the way we see."  While seeing this movie this past week, this quote helped me to put into words something of the meaning of Christmas. The message of Christmas is that through the birth of Jesus, a radical new understanding of love was born into the messiness of our ordinary lives. And at the heart of this message of love made incarnate is an invitation to change the way we see.

You and I are also confronted with the same choice each day that the middle school classmates of Auggie Pullman had to face in the movie. We can choose to see the world and the people around us through the constricted filter of judgment and of what we think is important, or we can choose to see the world and those around us through the expansive filter of love and what God shows us is important.

"Love came down at Christmas," is a line from a familiar hymn sung this time of year.  As we celebrate that Love, may we allow it to change the way we see, enhancing our capacity to see the wonder that is in each and everyone we encounter.

Going to movies is a holiday tradition for some, and so if Wonder is still showing in your community, give yourself a gift and go and see it.

    Merry Christmas from all of us at Living Compass.

Sharing the Light

I was reminded last night of an important lesson that candles have to teach us. I had the honor to co-facilitate a Living Compass Wellness Circle at Crossroads Presbyterian Church in Mequon, Wisconsin over the last six weeks and last night was our closing session. Each person was invited to share what they had learned during the program and as they did so, they each came forward and lit a votive candle, placing it around a large pillar candle in the center of a table. Some of the participants lit their candles from the central pillar candle while and others lit theirs from the votive candles that were already lit. Each time I observed a person lighting their candle I was reminded of the wisdom that a single candle can light a thousand other candles, and yet doing so never diminishes its own light. While it was not necessarily a new lesson for me, it was good to be reminded of it, especially as we approach the darkest day of the year. It is good to remember that it is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness, whatever form that darkness may take.

Candles are an essential part of two religious traditions that are both happening right now. Our Jewish friends began the celebration of Hannukah this week and Christians continue their observance of the season of Advent, preparing for Christmas. The central ritual of Hannukah involves lighting the menorah with its nine candles. The shamash candle, the taller candle in the center, is used to light one additional candle each night of Hannukah, until, over the eight days of Hannukah, all of the candles are lit. Similarly, the observance of Advent includes a wreath with four candles, often placed around a center candle. In each of the four weeks of Advent, an additional candle is lit, often from the center candle as well.

For Jews, the candles of the menorah recall the miracle that occurred when one day's supply of oil lasted eight days during the purification and rededication of the Temple of Jerusalem over two thousand years ago. For Christians, the candles symbolize the light of Christ that came into the world to overcome the powers of darkness. Followers of both faiths commit to not let the light go out, to keep the miracles of light and love burning brightly, sharing it with others whenever possible.

I came across a quote from a rabbi by the name of David Wolpe sometime ago that continues to inspire me. "The shamash is the candle that lights the other candles. Be a shamash." I was reminded me of this just the other day when someone called to thank me for something little I had done that meant a great deal to them. If they had been able to see my face, they would have seen that it was lit up with a big smile. In that moment, with a simple expression of gratitude and kindness, this person was being a shamash.

What opportunities will you have today, this week, this holiday season, to be a shamash? And remember, as you go around being a shamash to others, your own light will never diminish-in fact, you may even find your inner light burning just a little brighter.

Seeing Someone We Know For The First Time

Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns with family members can be magnified as we may find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see. Continuing with the theme of practicing wonder that is the focus of our current Advent booklet, I would like to reflect on what it would mean for us to practice wonder when it comes to relating to our families. Here is an excerpt I wrote for our Living Compass Advent booklet about what this might look like. "Students of Buddhist meditation talk about the spiritual discipline of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few.

What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold.

Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly how annoying Uncle Fred or Cousin Sally is going to be again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching our relationships with people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we must commit to practicing wonder and openness, and approach each person as if we are meeting them for the first time."

When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we were to take this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?

The mindset we take into our interactions with others does much to determine what we will see and experience. If I am sure I will be annoyed by someone, I will be sure to see and amplify in my mind those things that bother me. If instead, I practice a sense of wonder and am open to seeing the best in someone, I will likely experience the person in a whole new way.

Betty Smith, in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, may have said it best, "Look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time: Thus is your time on earth filled with glory."

Stop and Wonder

I don't think I have ever heard anyone say, "Hurry up and wonder." The much more common phrase is, of course, "Stop and wonder" and is often heard in the form of a question, "Do you ever stop and wonder...?"  In order to make room for wonder it seems that have to slow down and pause long enough to pay attention. If I were to ask you right now in your life, “What causes you to stop and wonder,” how would you respond? Given the news cycle these days it wouldn’t be surprising if what comes to mind is wondering about some aspect of the latest bad behavior of some famous person. We might wonder about many different aspects of such a situation. I’m guessing as well that if most of us were to come across the statement, “That kind of behavior really causes me to stop and wonder,” without having any idea of its context, we might easily assume it is describing a negative behavior.

Of course, the experience of something causing us to stop and wonder can relate to positive experiences just as easily as to negative ones. When I hear about an act of generosity or self-sacrifice, or someone who shows the strength to persevere in the face of adversity, it often causes me to stop and wonder what gives someone the ability to act like that. Yet I know that unless I am intentional, I often fail to stop and wonder and thus miss these types of good things that are happening around me every day. And I imagine I am not the only one for whom this is true.

The season of Advent starts this Sunday. Advent is a season that some Christians observe as a time of spiritual preparation for Christmas. Each year, Living Compass creates a booklet to help people observe Advent. We recruit guest writers from around the country to help us create a collection of daily readings around a particular theme. This year, the theme is wonder, with the title of the booklet being, “Practicing Wonder with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.”

In our Advent booklet we invite people to take a moment each day to stop and wonder about the signs of love, light, grace, and hope that surround us, knowing that they are there, and that we can enjoy them if we slow down, taking time to notice. These positive expressions of wonder often appear as a whisper, while the negative expressions unfortunately frequently appear as a shout, and so… we need to create space in our hearts and souls to be quiet long enough to hear the whispers.

So whether you observe the Christian season of Advent or not, I invite you to take some time over the next month for a regular practice of stopping and wondering. As with anything we practice, the more we do it, the more natural it becomes for us and the better we get at it. Let’s see what difference it makes when we each make more space in our hearts and souls to be quiet long enough to observe and appreciate the wonder that is all around us.

P.S. We have sold out the print copies of our Advent booklet. You can order an ebook version from Amazon for .99 cents.  Click here for the English version and here for the Spanish version.

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